I think the definitions and morality of the issue and even the arguments for/against ALL exist on a spectrum. Everyone will probably draw the line in a slightly different spot.
I mean even starting with the definition of porn and infidelity. Does Baywatch qualify? R movies...romance novels... Nude art... Fantasies... a close platonic opposite sex friend? Indulging in any of these can be disruptive to a relationship, especially if the partners do so at the expense of the relationship or when each partner's "line" is very far from the others.
It is ok to draw your line where you see it. I think it's probably a good idea for people to discuss as many of "the lines" as they can before moving in together or getting married. I know my husband and I did. We discussed many, many things and our positions on them. We made sure that the ones we each felt were important were discussed thouroughly.
When we met, I had fully believed that I would NEVER EVER marry a smoker. I met him through an ad I placed in the local newspaper and its website, and I didn't specify non-smoker. I also didn't think to ask when I met my husband on the phone. By the time we'd met, I was pretty attached to the guy and I had to rethink my position on smoking. It was darned difficult, because I wasn't just turned off by smoking, I was very allergic. My eyes would itch, burn and swell when I visited his apartment.
He gave up smoking for me. He wasn't able to quit easily, and he had several relapses. He will occasionally have a cigarette or cigar on "boys night," but he takes a shower and brushes his teeth before coming to bed. He never smokes in the house or near me.
This was a case in which I was able and willing to move my line. You may not be willing to do so, and that is perfectly fine. It could end your relationship with this man, and if you feel that strongly, there's no shame in that either.
Another line I moved, and maybe shouldn't have is moving in with him before we married. I knew I wanted to marry him, but some of his prior relationships had been very drama-filled, and he was very insecure. His parents had also divorced, and their relationship (before and after teh divorce) was VERY ugly. I moved my line because of his insecurities, rather than my own values. I still regret it, mostly because I think maybe he would be less insecure now. He still has fears that I will find someone better and leave him. And that often is the mentality of some people. I've tried to reassure him that I am comitted to him, and that it would take alot more than a "better offer" to inspire me to leave him. But some of that insecurity still exists. In a recent argument, he interpreted something I said as a threat to leave him, and he got physically ill. He vomited every few hours for the whole day. It's taught me to be much more careful of what I say.
The important thing for a relationships longevity though is to discuss and be very open and honest about our boundaries, and only make compromises we can comfortably live with. Doing otherwise tends to be soul-eating.
My sharing my experience wasn't meant to tell you where you should draw your line. If I knew my husband was spending a lot of time watching porn or was watching porn I found disturbing, we would have to discuss it and I'd have to evaluate whether it has crossed my line. Since my tolerance of sexual content is higher than his, that probably isn't going to be a problem.
But something else might be.
For example, my husband has a bad habit of often inviting friends on outings we've planned together, without thinking to ask me (especially since his best friend moved into our apartment building). It was driving me batty. Not that every trip to the grocery store was intended as a romantic outing, but I wanted to be consulted first.
He's gotten ALOT better, and if he hadn't it could have caused major issues between us, even though in the scheme of things it's rather silly.
Don't be ashamed to draw your line in a different spot than he would, but talk about those boundaries and try to come to an agreement you both can agree with.
Last edited by kaplods; 06-29-2008 at 02:15 PM.
|
