How RUDE! Or IS it?
 

I just met up with one of my web design clients who did something that disappointed me. I acquired this client literally a couple days after I hit my GW and things have gone well since. We often meet up at Dunkin Donuts because it is convenient for both of us and has WiFi. Today, at Dunkin, we saw a clearly obese woman who had a very pretty face. I didn't pay much attention to her or what she was eating, but my client noticed that she ate a box of six donuts as she worked on a college assignment. When she was on her way out, my client said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but do you know what you are doing to yourself? Eating six donuts isn't good for a very huge girl like you, and you'd be such a pretty girl if you just lost some weight." She looked like she was about to cry, and he said, "It's just the truth, dear. Look at her *points at me* do you think she would be as thin as she is if she was eating all those donuts? I'm just saying this for your own good."

I did not initially want to apologize for his behavior because he is a client and clients equal money, but I still told the girl, "He said it, not me - I would NEVER come up to someone and make a comment like that. I used to be overweight myself... I know it's a struggle every day being plus sized in our society. If you want to lose weight, you know what you need to do. I'm not going to lecture you on your health. And you DO have a very pretty face, by the way."

One part of me thinks the comments my client gave this girl were rude and uncalled for, and the other part of me thinks, "Maybe he is giving her a wake up call about her obesity. She is still in her early 20's and will have a much easier time improving her health now than she would in 20 or 30 years." And if she was not eating six donuts at once, I would not even assume she was unhealthy unless she had any obvious physical indicators.

What do you think of comments like this? Would you have been infuriated or inspired if you were in her situation? I would be both. No one ever gave me any kind of wake-up call when I was at my HW, but I was also an "acceptable" kind of fat - the sort of overweight that most people don't notice because the average American woman wears a 12-14. If someone HAD, I probably would have cried, just like I cried when a-hole frat boys yelled "HEY FATTY!" from their cars as I jogged with my jelly shakin'.

Wake up calls come from inside- they are NOT outside jobs! I grew up in a tourist town and worked at a local resort and there were a few occaisions where people (always men) would launch into a speech about how "what I was doing to myself", or how if I worked at it I could really be pretty. All it did was make things worse.

Ahem.

NEVER is this welcome OR a wake up call. It's offensive, inappropriate, intrusive, rude, arrogant... Who gives anyone the right to tell someone "what they are doing to themselves"??? Thin or fat, commenting on something personal such as weight or what someone just ate (from a total stranger no less!!!), well, your client would have hobbled out of that donut shop if he said that to me.

Rant///over.

Edit- Shane, I have recieved tons of "wake up" calls and let me tell you, all they ever made me want to do was crawl under a rock and die.

I agree with Jen. I'm sure the girl wasn't unaware of her weight or what she was eating, and any comment like that one your client made is simply rude and arrogant.

I've also had some of those "wake up calls" that just make you feel worse. They don't do anything to motivate a person at all. Sometimes, they can do the opposite.

I like how you dealt with it though. Good for you for not just walking away with your client!

I am stunned by your clients comment, but I am impressed with your response. Your showed her compassion and understanding by acknowledging her struggle. Good for you. Also, maybe your client will think about your words and reevaluate his "helpfullness".

Hey Nite,
I am sorry to say your client is an @sshole, that was totally rude and uncalled for, not to mention unappropriate! He outta be ashamed of himself for saying something like that to a complete stranger. That was beyond RUDE!!!! That girl probably cried all the way home, come on like she doesn't already know she has a weight problem, nobody knows what she struggles with inside, what if she was raped or something and is dealing with that with food, maybe she has a thyroid problem and can not help it, maybe medication she is on is making her weigh more. NOBODY knows but her, and it is up to the individual to know when and if they want to do something about their weight, nobody has the right to tell somebody otherwise, onless you are a concerned friend and know the person.
In closing, shame on your client, he's an @sshole for doing saying something so rude!

I'm afraid I agree. That poor woman. I recall someone once shouting at me in Leicester Sq in London: "Look at that fat bird - can't tell if she's standing up or lying down!" I recall a doctor telling me: "Well, you're what I'd call a strapping great lass!" Both very different approaches -same result. I wanted to die. Just - DIE.

It is NEVER okay to speak to someone you don't know (WELL!) about their body - be it thin, fat or PREGNANT! You'll hear that from pregnant women - it's like everyone thinks they have a right to comment, touch you, tell you what to do to have the 'right pregnancy'.

I see obese women now (and men) and I think - 'Oh, if I could just put my arms around you and show you how to lose that weight...' But I don't. Because I CAN'T. That's up to them.

Your client is an arrogant boor, and I don't envy you having to work with his kind.

Heather :D

ABSOLUTELY

It is like telling a smoker to stop because it is bad for them. Of course they know that. They aren't stupid. Same thing about being overweight.

I would have to agree. I don't think it's a wake up call. I was called names by a family member all the time (elephant to be exact) and it only hurt my self-esteem. It didn't push me to hbe healthier or lose weight. I just ate more and ended up doing the wrong things at the time. The people who I needed support from only hurt me more. This guy was out of line. I would've cried myself. I would probably cry for the next month and that comment would stick with me for the rest of my life. I don't care how big someone is, it is the inside that allows you to lose the weight or at least the motivation to. Who knows, what if she had just lost 50 pounds and that was her reward. What if she worked so hard to lose those 50 pounds and that was her motivation and someone just made her feel smaller than a grain of sand. Her confidence probably just went out the window. She could've been 700 pounds but you don't know where she has been and why she is there to begin with. What if she was trying to avoid hurting herself (even if it was eating 6 donuts) and that just pushed her off the edge?! Things like that should never be said, especially to a stranger.

Sorry, I know you had nothing to do with it but I dealt alot with it myself growing up (on the receiving end). It's hard to live with comments like that.

Amen!

uhm. wow.
personally, i do think that is rude because your client does not know the girl at all. I have several family members who are morbidly obese and I won't even say something like that to my own sister because i personally know how hurtful it can be, even if meant well.
while I rarely heard anything from friends or strangers about my weight even at my HW (except my mother but i could be 110lbs and still overweight in her eyes) I can imagine how mortified she was.
In my eyes, his comment is not very different from the guy who once walked up to me at a bar and told me he always wanted to "ride a whale" and if i was willing. He was under the impression that big girls are desperate and would take anything thrown at them, no matter how degrading the offer.
.. while a drunken proposition isn't the same, the words hurt just as much.
was it a wake up call for me? absolutely NOT. I am an emotional eater and the comments said to me just made me want to eat more and bury my head in the sand more. It wasn't until 2 years later that I started making changes for myself and my health... it really is something that someone needs to do for themselves, and a lecture from a stranger really more than likely hurt rather than helped.
for a very short period of time, my boyfriend did try using similar tactics to "support" me .. using negative reinforcement, comments about what I ate, comments about my health. I finally sat him down and we talked about it and he honestly thought he was helping and supporting me by being my "conscience" .. in reality i think i gained 10 pounds over the period of time that he was doing that, but he really thought he was helping by being like that...he had no idea how incredibly hurtful he was being.


as an aside, I found more people made comments to me about my weight when I was a size 14 than did when I was a 22. I was shouted at more often from cars (the same "hey fattys" you've heard nshane) ..more family members and friends felt comfortable making comments about specific parts of my body - my stomach (where more of my weight is) my rear end, etc.
is it more socially acceptable for someone to discuss/insult someone who is only a "little" overweight as opposed to someone who is morbidly obese? Or did all these people think that they were encouraging me to lose more weight? or was it blinders and i just didn't notice it until then? I don't know.
during a time that I felt people should have been congratulating me on my weight loss and new healthy lifestyle - I HAD lost 40lbs - I was hearing nothing but negative comments... now that I'm a size 10, I hear nothing at all from these same people either way.

Awful & Rude! I don't know how you contained yourself........client or not, my mouth would have been running! Thats so sad to hear. Those are comments that come from mean people who have never walked in our shoes.

It is never okay to discuss someone's weight without their permission. Ever.

He is an A$$HOLE and I would fire him as a client on the spot! That's known as condescending arrogance, not concern! It's like, suppose you were minding your own business and some stranger came up to you and said, "You know, you would be a lot better off if you would just accept Jesus [or choose the religion you wish here] and that way you'd be saved. As it is, you are going to ****. I'm telling you this for your own good."

No one EVER has ANY right to tell ANY stranger what they should or should not be doing with food they are eating. That's the kind of behavior that LOVED ONES may do in an intervention, NOT what you say to a complete stranger in a restaurant, for heavens sake!

I am just incensed. I'm glad you said something, Shane, but I would have... gosh, probably ended up slapping him!

Jay

Wow -- that was terribly rude (as you've heard from everyone here!!) -- having an eating disorder myself -- that would have just added to my shame and sent me home to have an all out binge -- I still feel like everyone is watching me eat when I'm out (what I eat, how much, etc.) and his comments solidified that for me!! That's why I used to do all my binging in "hiding" (after everyone went to bed, kid's at school, etc.) Doing homework, etc. she is probably stressing out, needs better mechanisms for stress or just, like me, tends to eat without even noticing it.

Even people we love cann't "talk us into losing weight". I agree, it comes from within you, when you are ready.

You were VERY kind and from all of us "still overweight" people out there -- I say "thank you VERY much for sticking up for us" -- the "been there, done that" is working for you!! My sister's comment she used for me once would have worked good here -- "I can always lose weight, you will always be ugly". He is apparently an insensitive jerk -- even though he tried to word himself "nicely". Good luck working with him -- I bet you will run into some uncomfortable comments as well.

this is absolutely awful! this man has no idea who this girl is, her life experiences, where she has been, or where she is going. it takes a lot of arrogance to believe that he has the right to remark on her weight and lifestyle. this would be insulting coming from a friend or family member, but coming from a stranger it's doubly insulting! he has not walked a day in her shoes and therefore has no right to "help" her. i don't believe he was coming from a good place, either. he doesn't care whether this girl eats herself to death. he just needs to point out the perceived weaknesses of others to make himself feel superior. my experience has always been that those who seem the most arrogant have major insecurity issues, and this guy has ISSUES. FOR SURE. his remarks probably had the opposite effect on that poor girl, and it was not fair that he brought you into the conversation by commenting on YOUR body too!

you showed a lot of restraint, and good for you for trying to put out the fire by being sensitive and not sitting idly by. my first instinct would have been to smack him. what a pompous jerk.

What a jerk!!! That poor girl. You did and said exactly the right thing. What an @sswipe!! I HATE rude people!!!!!

wow... there are plenty more words than a-hole that I could come up with... not appropriate for client ears, of course, but geez!

a comment above likened it to some religious people trying to save the world... which reminded me of an experience I had a few years back in burger king.
it was a sunday morning, I was either at my HW or just about to get there... and I went out for breakfast with my parents after church. because of my weight, I was in a really bad state of depression, and was either sleeping 16-18 hours a day.... or not sleeping for days on end, as was the case that specific morning. my mom is a textbook morning person... and even on a good day, I am not :-) We were waiting for my father and I had my head down on the table...it felt like it was going to fall off. my mom was talking a mile a minute and I swear she wasn't breathing, lol. I was listening to her and doing everything I could to not tell her how badly she was annoying me in my state of all-out exhaustion (i as even answering her occasionally). Out of no where, this guy walks up, interrupts her, and starts chewing me out for being an insolent teenager (he told me that he assumed I was 17.... I was 23 at the time, but when opened my mouth to say that, he basically told me to shut up) and being disrespectful to my mother... he went on and on about how I should be so grateful for the time I have with my parents.... blah blah blah (don't get me wrong, I am grateful for everyday). it still makes no sense to me... my mom actually apologized to me for him being such a jerk.

why do people think they have a right to comment on other people's lives... especially in a destructive manner?

Your client is a jerk.

GOOD, I am SO glad to know that I am DEFINITELY not the only one who thought my client made a VERY RUDE and uncalled for comment! After she left, I told my client that he really did not need to make a comment like that, and he said, "Well, I said it for her own good. She doesn't need to be that big, especially not when she is so young!"

This guy is a normal/average sized 50-something businessman with a lot of money. He has been married seven times :lol: and openly discusses inappropriate things like, "I had this lady friend once. She was skinny as a rail, but she ate as many donuts as that fat girl. She had no tits, but BOY could she screw."

While those comments are pretty obscene, people tell me stuff like that ALL THE TIME. I have this way of making people very comfortable - people who are practically strangers confide in me - and I've heard it ALL before, so I wasn't surprised. He's a male chauvinist pig, even though he has been nothing but nice to me.

Jay - That's a nice analogy. I've never had a stranger come up to me and tell me I was going to **** :lol: but if it ever happened, I'd probably just laugh really hard, but one's self image and self esteem are connected to so many more feelings than one's religious beliefs or lack thereof. ;)
I wanted to slap him, too, and I was EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED over his behavior. :(

karmuz - I wonder why that is... why you got more "hey FATTY!" comments at a size 14 than you did at a 22. I was around a 14 at my highest weight and I got those stupid comments frequently whenever I ran or biked (it was never when I was just walking or sitting somewhere, it always had to be during a form of exercise :lol:).

HeatherAngel:
"I see obese women now (and men) and I think - 'Oh, if I could just put my arms around you and show you how to lose that weight...' But I don't. Because I CAN'T. That's up to them." Same here! I know it is useless to say anything to them either way about their weight... it is something THEY have to realize in their own time and deal with in their own way. :)

em1183: I definitely agree that this client of mine must have issues! Most "she's fat!" type men tend to... his wife is pretty slim (but not skinny - she has curves in the proper places and is a good 20 years younger) and I have a feeling he thinks anyone above a 6 or an 8 is "fat" :barf: And despite being a 4-6 right now, I REALLY hate men who think like that!
I don't like that he brought me into the conversation, either, but after that, I felt COMPELLED to say something! I wanted to make sure this girl knew that I was not thinking the same things he was.

Eugh, dancingirl81, I'm not sure which situation is worse :( they are both incredibly uncalled for. I agree that strangers have no right to butt into other people's business... I did that at a very young age (around 4 or 5) and I was told repeatedly that it was, well, you know, RUDE! :)

:lol: I was notorious for doing that when I was little, too. It HORRIFIED my mother and she was quick to correct me. All I know is, lack of manners does NOT get cuter with age!

I think that I would have wanted to curl up and die if I were in your shoes, Shane! I don't think I would have had the courage to say what you said to her in her own defense. I probably would have remained silent to both the girl and the client. I obviously am not as strong as you are. Good for you for saying what you did!

I agree with everyone that comments directed to people about their weight are totally uncalled for. Which puts me in a unique situation....what would you do?: DD and I have an event at the end of May for which she needs a specific type of dress and it has to be approved by a committee. The dress was chosen, approved and purchased last summer. Since that time, DD has put on some weight. While it is not enough weight to be really concerned about, it is enough that the dress may not fit come May. Of course, we can take it for alteration and it may be able to be let out here and there, but there's no guarantee of that. Also, she will be wearing this dress up on a stage in front of several hundred people. I don't want her to feel self-conscious, but I don't want to confront her about her weight gain. Should I suggest she try the dress on so that if it is too tight she can decide on her own what to do about it? Should I just make the alteration appointment and have her try it on there? What do you all suggest. Please note that a year or so ago her best friend told me that DD doesn't like to shop with me because she doesn't like the way I look at her when she is modeling the clothes. Obviously I've done/said some things in the past which have hurt her (totally unintentionally, BTW) and I don't want to make her ill at ease again.

Allison, I would go with the first option - have her try it on right now and see how it fits. That way, it won't be an earth-shattering experience for her if it doesn't. Just say you want to see how pretty she looks in it. ;)

Does your daughter have a weight problem? Or is she just a normal sized teenage girl who has the typical teenage body image issues?

If he had said that to me, he'd still be prying my shoe from his testicles to this day. Seriously, like the poor girl doesn't know she's overweight. Maybe she lost 50 lbs. and that was her reward meal. Give her a break. It would be bad enough hearing something like that from a family member or friend, but a complete STRANGER in a random place?

You say he's been married 7 times? Next time you have a meeting with him, you should casually tell him that erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, and if he gets help for it now, he won't have to get dumped by wife #8. When his mouth drops open, say, "Oh, I was just trying to help!"

Moron.

:rofl: :lol: :rofl: , Nicole!!! If he annoys me or says anything chauvinistic, I just might do that!!! hahahaha!

That was completely rude and totally out of line. We don't have the right to question strangers about their eating, dietary habits, or weight. It's freaking none of our business. What a jerk. I feel bad that happened to that young woman. Another thing, fat people know when we are fat, and every fat person hates the "you have such a pretty face comment". Like they aren't good enough. It's bad enough when it comes from family members but when you're out minding your own damn business is enough to choke someone. A man did that to me once at a McDonalds. He told me I didn't need to eating here. We both were in line.

So..McDonalds was ok for him because he was thin...right it's so healthy to eat a big mac. I could have just dropped a lot of weight, I could have been about to order a salad, I could have freaking been working all day and was hungry. We don't know what people are doing in their lives and to judge someone on their flat out appearance when they didn't ask you for it is outrageous. This happened years ago to me, it didn't affect my decision to lose weight, then again why would it? Just another rude jerk.

Shane~DD is perfectly normal. She's 5'6" and about 145-150 pounds. I know she's been down closer to 130 and happy there, but you know how it is when you're a teenager--friends go out for fast food and you eat, too. She's been doing a lot better the past two weeks--she's asked me to buy salads for her for school lunch, so I suspect she "knows" she needs to lose a couple pounds. Her body isn't built like mine--she's shorter and has my MIL's body: all the weight is in her stomach and butt. When I gain, it's a little here and there so I can hide it easier. I think that my being on a diet "again" is helping. We always eat healthy, but those darn casseroles that I made the past few months snuck up on me as well as her. I just make it a point not to mention it to her as I don't want to hurt her feelings. She was also telling me about a friend of hers who went to college this past fall. He didn't take his car--his parents drove him 4 hours from home--and he bikes all over campus and to run his errands. He lost 30 pounds last fall and DD was saying she was envious. She (I know) can't wait to try it herself next fall when she goes off to college.

Wow, he was rude and his comments were totally uncalled for. She should have told him that yes, she knows she is pretty and it's possible for her to lose weight if she chooses but he needs more work than she does, like a soul replacement because he's definitely short on compassion and is excessively arrogant. How dare he! It just constantly amazes me how some people expect everyone else to want what they want. Maybe she wanted to enjoy those donuts and is comfortable with her weight and the only reason she looked shocked is because she couldn't believe someone could be so rude.

Allison-Interesting story about your daughter. My daughter is going to be 10 later this year, and I am dreading the start of puberty and the oncoming teenage years.

If I were in your shoes, with my daughter, I would see if I could get her to try it on. Make the excuse that she looks to have gotten taller (some sort of excuse like this maybe?) or something if you have to, and tell her that if it needs hemmed or anything, that you don't want to wait until the last minute to find out.

If the dress is too tight, at that point, just take her lead. If she wants to simply have it altered, then that is fine. If she instead, wants to try to get fitter between now and then to fit into it, just invite her to go on walks with you, or sign up for an exercise class together, or something along those lines.

I can totally relate to how your daughter must feel, however. My mother is about 5'3", and her highest weight EVER, right after the birth of a child, was about 175. Her normal weight has always fluctuated from a size 5 to a size 9/10.

I always felt HUGE next to her...because I take after my two grandmothers in stature. I am about 5'7"-5'8" tall, so in high school I was taller than her, had a bigger bra size, bigger shoe size, etc. and obviously, when I developed weight issues, my highest weights were higher than hers. Even to this day, my mom says stuff about needing to lose weight because she is so "fat", at a size 9/10....which is my goal size, give or take.



Shane-
I would have literally told that guy off right there. Probably before that. Seriously, I have a pretty bad temper, and that kind of man will bring it out in about 10 seconds. :lol:

I honestly would have lost a client.

It is one of those situations though, where no matter what you say, or what you do-you always feel bad about it, and wonder if what you did was the right thing.

:hug:

I agree. Commenting on strangers is rude and uncalled for. You don't know anything about their lives.

Years ago my brother brother had something similar said to him. He's one of those people we all love to hate. Shovels the greasy fast food in his mouth by the truckload and CAN'T gain an ounce (and by every dr's reaport completely healthy!). Anyways, He would have been about 14 at the time, I was driving him somewhere and stopped in at a fast food joint for something to eat. He wasn't hungry and didn't order anthing. We were sitting at a table and a women walks up to him and tells him to go eat something b/c he's too skinny and it's unattractive..blah blah blah. She went on for a couple of minutes. My bro didn't say anything but it crushed him. He went home and cried. Not long after he started taking creatine to try and bulk up. Thank-fully he quit that after just a few months. But he's always been touchy about how skinny he is. That comment and others about his weight or lack there of, has really left a mark.

When I was little, my parents, myself and a family friend, who happens to be filipino and about 16 at the time were in disney land. As we were hanging out by the pool a woman walked up to my mom and said "What a great woman you are, for letting your husband bring home his little vietnamese mistake." My parents were shocked! My dad looked at her and said "She's not a mistake, but it seems like every time you open your mouth you seem to make one." The woman hurmphed her rude a$$ to the other side of the pool.

There are times when I wish as hard as I can that people like him get everything they well deserve in the end.

I'm fuming and I wasn't even there! Since when has it ever been okay to go up to anyone and tell them something about them physically unless it's that they have TP stuck to their shoe? Even then you're supposed to be discreet and respectful! Gah! I'm so angry I can't even type straight >_<


Yeah. Hate it! That comment always stinks of "... if only...." If only what? If only I could live up to your standards? If only anyone who hears that comment would say "I am a pretty person, thank you!"

Wow - rudeness abounds.

I'm a curious what kind of event requires a dress to approved by a committee?

Shane, I cannot BELIEVE how rude that man was!!!!! :yikes: Good for you for standing up and saying what you did. No wonder he's been married 7 times. I'm sure nobody would put up with him for long!

I have to confess that I might occasionally see a heavier person eating some unhealthy food and think about how I might like to help them, but in the "I've been there and I feel my quality of life has improved so much now that I want to help their QOL improve too." But I would never, ever say something out loud to them, b/c I don't know their reasons surrounding their weight (medical, emotional trauma, medications that might be causing weight gain, etc etc) and as everyone's already said comments are not wake-up calls, they're just hurtful. I've also experienced plenty of those hurts in my lifetime. And I certainly occasionally overeat, too, even at my maintenance weight. Who knows, this woman could have said "If I lose 50 lbs, I can eat some doughnuts, and then I'll lose another 50" - you just don't know with a stranger. Perhaps their QOL is great already. Who knows. That man is so rude!

And I get ticked off when people criticize what I'm eating, as everyone in the maintainers forum knows, so I wouldn't dream of critizing what others are eating! ;)

Allison, I'd agree with what's been suggested - get your daughter to try on the dress (tell her she should plan out her accessories or something) and then follow her lead.

OMG If I were that girl, those comments wouldn't "inspire" me in any way, shape or form. It would make me want to #1) Just squash the guy who said it, I mean literally just sit on and suffocate him and #2) Head back to the counter and order more donuts to bury my misery and embarrassment. I would've probably been running out the door crying too. What a total jerk! I think you did good for saying something to her for tempering his incredibly rude comments. I almost can't believe there are jerks that can be so hurtful and act like it's okay because they're "trying to help" :rolleyes: :mad:

More than rude!
 

What a piece of :censored: This man is obviously has a serious "I" problem and thinks it's his place to judge everyone. I hope you are charging him double for "hazard pay" for having to put up with his crap.

OMG Nicole, I am still laughing so hard I can hardly type!!

It is tough sometimes though not to want to let people know there are places like 3FC because your heart just aches for them when you can see they aren't happy but don't know how to get started - just this week I was behind a woman at the grocery store. Another pretty face and very young (OK well, younger than me - anything under 40 seems very young to me ;) ) but wide enough to have to do a little manuvering to fit through the checkout lane. What she was buying was ice cream, cookies, one of those breakfast cereals whose first ingredient is sugar, a frozen cheesecake and all different kinds of candy - including the entire display box of Reeses cups she pulled off the rack on her way into the line. Then there among all this "stuff" was a half gallon of nonfat milk! I almost wanted to cry. I really wanted to figure out a way to start a conversation so I could mention how great it is to have a resource like this but I just knew that, even though I am still pretty large myself, any comment from me standing there with my fresh tomatos and bag of raw almonds would come across as self righteous and probably just make her eat all those Reeses in the car on the way home. I'm really hoping she was hosting a party for some kids and the only thing she was going to partake of was the milk but somehow I don't think so. :cry:

I too think it rude...and also, your comment "And YOU do have a pretty face", like the rest of her is ugly. You could have said "And you are pretty"

I don't ever think it's right for another to say anything to anyone about their weight or anything else. People know they are overweight, come on. I would have went further though and stopped that client in his tracks, moeny or not. That was soooo totally rude and none of his business.

Off to read the rest of the responses.

OMG Shantroy! How appalling!

Shane, I am so sorry you have to work with that guy, but I hope your kind words made an impression on him today as well as comforted that poor girl.

I feel like anytime that strangers think that they're "helping" by pointing out the problem (thanks, captain obvious), they're essentially making one of two statements:

1) "You must be an idiot. Here, let me help you." OR
2) "You must be lazy. Here, let me help you."

I've had a couple of bad experiences with people trying to "help" me in this way, and I can tell you... I'm not an idiot (ha!), and I'm not lazy. Does the person think they're shedding light on a situation that I was otherwise ignorant of? Come on!?!?! I live in this body everyday, and I own a mirror, so clearly I am aware of my girth. The person should just shut the **** up! Keep the toxic "help" to themselves, arrogant pieces of crap.

Sorry. I get a little wound up sometimes. Old wounds, you know...

I lashed out at my own Grandmother just recently for making a comment about my weight... It went like this:

Grandma: "I wish you would get rid of some of that extra weight, dear"
Me: "I wish you would learn to be not rude."
Grandma: "I'm not being rude, I'm just telling you... lovingly."
Me: "That's BS. This isn't the first time you've commented about it, and all it does is hurt my feelings, so I wish you'd just keep your mouth shut."
Grandma: "Ok, i won't mention it again."
Me: "thanks."

We haven't spoken to each other since. :(

We are in a group called National Charity League--it's for Mothers with daughters in grades 7-12. The girls learn leadership skills while serving their community together with their Mothers. At the end of the 12th grade, some of the chapters hold a Senior Presentation--kind of like a cotillion or coming out party sort of thing. Each chapter is different, but most require a white dress (think wedding dress) and each has requirements (ours is no slits, no adornments--as plain as possible) and some have things like they have to have sleeves, etc. Anyway, the committee looks at each dress to make sure it is appropriate and doesn't break our chapter's rules (it also makes it so one girls doesn't outshine any others).

I read somewhere that if you have a child who is becoming overweight, instead of trying to modify their diet, you should encourage them to become more active. They stressed that having parents exercising with them would be the best option. Of course, you can always say it's about you, not them--that you, say, want to join a gym and think you'd be more likely to go if they go with you, etc. In fact, I might be remembering this wrong, but wasn't our very own amazing Meg encouraged to start going to the gym as a companion to her daughter? Or was it the other way 'round? :?: Anyways, alinnell, perhaps you could get your daughter to exercise with you? I agree that getting her to try on the dress might be a good thing, but considering her feelings about you seeing her try things on, perhaps you should suggest she does it and then leave it up to her as to whether she wants you to see it. Trying to zip it in the privacy of her own room could be enough for her. :shrug:

I totally understand how people feel in terms of wanting to share with others how incredible it feels to shed the weight and how helpful places like 3FC are. Like many of you said, it's not up to us to do, but the inclination to share this good news, knowing how it could transform their lives, is a common one, I'm sure. One thing you can do, if the situation warrants it, is reveal that you used to be overweight. Perhaps share a picture of you with family where you're overweight, without mentioning your weight. The opens up the possibility of discussion--if they want to ask what happened between then and now, they can. If not, at least they have the encouragement of knowing that it can be done and they also know that you're much more likely to be empathetic.

When I get into discussions about weight with friends or acquaintances (usually somehow centered around them asking about my diet) and they express their guilt or shame at being overweight, I am always quick to assure them that when they are ready, they will lose weight. I usually (badly) quote Anais Nin (the one about being ready to blossom) and do my best to encourage them not to beat themselves up for not being ready now. I hope that helps them. I do truly believe that--when they are ready, they'll do it.

I totally agree with all of you about how rude Shane's client was. Like many of you said, wake-up calls can be much more harmful than helpful, making you feel so bad about yourself that you only eat more. For some reason, when someone tells me, "You're too pretty to be fat like this" it makes me dissolve in tears. :cry: Not sure why that phrase hits me so hard, but it's SOOOO condescending!

On the other hand, as many of you noted, interventions from those who truly care about you (and are friends) can be helpful. One of the many things that drove me to finally do something about my weight was a talk with three very good friends. It was informal and I don't know if they even discussed it before. They told me how worried they were about my health and about how I was hurting myself. They told me that they would be there for me and help any way that I wanted them to. They told me that I deserved a better life and they they thought I was beautiful and wonderful and worth it. It made me cry a lot, but it wasn't the kind of crying that comes with the "wake up calls" from strangers. It really moved me.