Disordered eating support thread
 

Has anyone here struggled with severe disordered eating (anorexia, bulimia, binging)?
I would like to use this thread as a place of support and open, honest sharing and love for any people who have experienced these things to a deep extent.

I will start. I have a history of starving and binging.

Hello everybody! This is very useful post. I think it van help many people! Well as for me I also was starving and binging.

I appreciate you participating Ginger. :)
I definitely have noticed things that help me. Focusing on correct thinking and patience have been important for me. Positive thinking with the Bible as my truth are definitely what pull me back to reality when I start getting off track.

I am really glad this thread exists! I signed up this morning because I weighed myself and did gained a little on the scale. I have about 29 pounds I want to lose. I have a history with binge eating and over exercising. At some point along my journey (there have been many), my mind gives up on me and I start to eat a constant flow of junk food-it is not until I've gained back all my lost weight and then some I stop- hate myself all over again- and try to lose some weight. I really want this time to be the last time...

I'm glad you're here Nicolas! :) I am so excited to see us all reach our goals and get healthy this year! 2015 is going to be a great year.

Anyone read "Mood Cure" or "Diet Cure" by Julia Ross?

Thank you so much! I am in need for some support! I am so grateful to you all already :)

Well, I have like "sage" status on the mpa site...ugh. No binging here, just used to not eat that much, have fantasies of 105 lbs again, but realistic at 120 lbs because I've discovered eating. I'm obsessed with diet, nutrition and exercise.

Honesty
 

Hey! I also struggle with starving and binging. Still to this day, unless I feel slightly hungry and empty I don't feel quite right

Out of curiousity, Anyone here also raised with in a Catholic upbringing?

NOTE TO SELF:
Food will still be there tomorrow. Opportunities to love people are priceless and pass quickly. Follow your heart and follow Jesus. :)

struggle
 

Hey! I've been really struggling with my eating these days. I think the hardest part is the guilt I feel. Can anyone else relate?

Hey thanks for starting this thread. I've always wanted to start a thread like this but was too scared :p I've been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder and struggled with various eating disorders since I was very young. I developed bulimia and anorexia in middle school and went through phases of starving, binging, and purging until I was sent to an eating disorder treatment center a few years ago. Fortunately I was able to eat again and stopped the purging BUT I then started binging like crazy and ballooned up to 200lbs. Its been an incredible struggle and balancing act to lose weight in a healthy way :(

Recently I started relapsing and have upped my calories and am trying to not focus so much on losing weight but just being healthy. Its really a daily struggle because I've noticed that the thoughts never leave. And the struggle for control is always there. I'm actually really embarrassed by it and just wish I could be "normal".


girl18-I did not have a Catholic upbringing, I was raised 7th Day Adventist.

Nicholas-Well to get over feeling guilty I suggest thinking about how the food is nourishing you and practice mindful eating. I know what you mean about not feeling "right" unless you're kind of empty....I try to aim for moderation and focus on how even though feeling empty feels good in the moment it hurts me from completing daily tasks and exercising in the long run.

Dottington: Thank you! Some days go better then others... Today I'm feeling alright, but who knows what tomorrow will bring

Foremost, I want to welcome Dottington!

I hope to respond more later to the above posts. I can def relate nic.

I'm going to start seeing a counselor again for the first time in years. I know19 years of disordered eating can be corrected with God's help (With Him all things are possible).

girl81-Good for you! Let us know any good advice your counselor gives you.

I'm struggling right now. I upped my calories a couple weeks ago to stop my bingeing and I feel SO FAT! UGH! I feel like I've gained so much weight and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror :(

I'm retaining water right now because of my new exercise program, hormones, and higher than average sodium intake the past couple days. I know logically its impossible for me to have gained fat but I can't help from feeling grotesque. I really really want to lower my calories but I promised myself to stick with the higher calories for a month. And it HAS stopped my bingeing so I know its working but still....its so hard!

Sorry, just need a place to vent.

:cp:
I encourage us all to focus on the positive and build on that. I believe the negative will fall away as we focus on pressing forward cheerfully towards the awesome power of unconditional love.

Today, along with many other days, has be thinking about guilt and the guilt I carry around every day. I feel like I have a ton of weight on my shoulders and all of it is the guilt I have around food. Every single thing I consider eating or actually eat has a consequence and occupies a lot of my time. The guilt takes over most of my work days, then in the evening and weekends it all of a sudden switches and I just eat whatever I feel with the "I am free and breezy, no problem here, I can eat whatever I want"... Then I wake the next day and feel guilty and further away from my goals. I struggle with consistency most of all. Anyways, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings :) I was wondering if anyone can relate to my ramblings! Hope everyone had a good weekend and is going to have an amazing week!

-Nicola

Thank you! I am going to hold onto this :)

girl81-Thanks for the reminder to focus on the positive! :)

Nicolas-I'm so sorry about the guilt you carry. Weekends are very difficult for me as well. I'm pretty sure everyone I've ever met with eating issues has trouble with consistency and balance. I know I tend to always fall into extremes.

I binged this weekend. I really tried every method I know to stop including logging ahead of time, imagining myself eating the food in detail(usually works great), really thinking about why I wanted to eat, distracting myself, telling myself I could have it later etc. I feel so weak for not being able to stop myself. I had 2 donuts, some chocolate frosting, and toast with nutella. If I try and see the positive though I did manage to stop it from becoming even worse. Without all the fighting I did against the binge I know I would have eaten 6 donuts.
I will just work on being better next weekend and making good choices during the week.

Hi; I discovered this thread today. Previous history of BED that would probably currently be classified as OSFED due to frequency. It still causes a great deal of anxiety and hampers my ability to lose weight. I've never been able to get help because every "professional" I ever saw just diagnosed me with depression and pushed pills that exacerbated the bingeing and weight gain. Sigh.

Dottington Thanks so much! I am having a better day today... I feel like I am in control of my eating. I can't wait for the day when I stop thinking about eating all the time... seriously 98% of my thoughts! Maybe it is time to speak to a counselor about this, get some ideas to help redirect my thoughts!

Violette-That's really too bad that you haven't been able to find a good professional for help. Have you specifically sought out an ED specialist? I've noticed that most therapists and health care professionals can be completely clueless when dealing with EDs and you really need someone who specializes in it. That's so frustrating about them pushing meds that would make you gain weight :(

Nicolas-If you can find a counselor who specializes with EDs I would say go for it! I don't have too many ideas for getting rid of the obsessive thoughts....besides replacing the thoughts with other activities and hobbies.

My self esteem is currently shot. I'm trying to remain positive and not succumb to negative thoughts or drastic measures. Here's something we can all try...look in the mirror everyday and find one thing you like about your appearance. I remember when I first did this in treatment and the first few times I couldn't do and would cry and get angry but eventually it gets easier. I'm going to start doing it again.

I located a BED specialist about 100 miles away (I live in the boonies.) Chances are he takes my insurance (I'm a state employee) but I'm hesitant to contact him for three reasons (and probably more subconscious ones):

1) That's a long trip.

2) I've had very bad experiences with mental health professionals in the past.

3) I'm pretty sure the first thing they tell you in BED treatment is to eat at maintenance levels and not restrict calories. I DO NOT want to do this. I want to be thin.

I've never seen an eating disorders specialist and in my opinion, most therapists are clueless about a lot of stuff. I just found a BED specialist within driving distance but had such horrible experiences with mental health practitioners before that I still don't want to call him. :/

Violette-I understand, I've had bad experiences as well with therapists in the past and seeing a new person is really scary. That is a REALLY far drive....could you do a phone interview first? Just to see if you connect and if it'd be worth the drive? I've done something like that before when I was at boarding school. As far as being concerned about what they'll say...during my treatment the first week was spent entirely on getting me to admit I had an eating disorder. We didn't talk about calories or food at all. Nutrition didn't come till after a month or more of being in a clinic having hours of therapy every day so I'd be very surprised if they would talk about something so incredibly triggering right away....

I hope you're able to come to resolution :hug: Let us know how it goes. In the meantime have you thought about joining a BED support group? Maybe there's a meetup where you live or you could start one? Of course I know there are tons of forums online(I'm finding this one very helpful myself actually ;))

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm rather disappointed in myself right now. My BDD has been acting up the past week. I went swimsuit shopping and ended up with one pieces, which is not what I had planned on. I really had planned on getting a new bikini since I've been fine wearing them in the past. But after looking at myself in the dressing room mirrors I felt disgusted and sad so I bought these two one pieces that are really cute, but it concerned me how negative my thoughts were. I also noticed I've been putting myself down more to others, so its not just in my head anymore(for example calling myself disgusting and fat a lot). I'm now voicing it aloud which of course is awkward, but helpful in making me realize that these thoughts are not valid.

I'm trying to focus on "health" right now and remembering that I deserve to be healthy and happy. Its really hard for me to believe that sometimes, but I know if I work at it I'll eventually accept/remember that I'm worthy of love.

Do any of you struggle with feeling worthy of love, happiness, health etc? Do you have any affirmations that help you manage those feelings?

Do you belong to a Church?

I don't know if I could do a phone interview or if I'd even want to. I have poor hearing and don't connect well with people over the phone. I'm still mulling over what I want to do. It doesn't help that I'm trying to buy a house for the first time and this occupies a lot of my thought.

I don't know about support groups. I've done that before for other reasons and I just never felt very supported. I'm highly introverted and rather misanthropic and being in a room of people expecting me to listen to and talk to them is usually rather unpleasant for me. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

As for feelings of unworthiness...I have a rather different experience with that. I think I'm a decent person. I look around me at other people and I don't see that they're any better than me or have more to offer than I do yet they all seem to have more than me. I'm speaking of intangible things, not stuff. Love, friends, social networks, people in their lives who care for them, just better life experiences. I feel worthy of love, but feel that the world around me doesn't want me in it. I wonder all the time if there's something completely unacceptable and repugnant about me that everyone else but me sees, but for the life of I can't figure out what it might be. I'm think I'm pretty darn cool. :?:

Yes.

Violette-I imagine buying a house is very stressful! Oh that's very interesting how your feelings concerning feeling worthy are different. I can see how feeling like the world around you is denying you would be very frustrating. For what its worth I think you seem cool! :hug:

girl81 and nicolas-How are you guys doing?

So I made a point today to find 2 things I like about my appearance and didn't allow myself to argue against them or discount them. I also did the affirmations about being worthy and deserving to be happy. It was hard and I kind of wanted to run away from the mirror, but I did it. I'm going to try saying them out loud next time instead of just wording them and thinking them. Anyone have any favorite positive sayings or affirmations that they use?

Focusing on health is working for me with eating right now. I was supposed to be in a couple weight loss challenges but pretty much dropped out of both since they were stressing me out so much. I HATE dropping out of challenges but it happens. I kind of wish there were more health focused challenges instead of the entirely weight loss focused ones. There was actually a really cool one I did last year on here that lasted like several months and was totally health and habit improvement based plus you could log your weight too. It was based on this triangle chart thingy. Maybe I'll just make one for myself and try it again.

I am blessed and grateful to the Lord Jesus Dot :). I appreciate you asking. I will try to respond more in this thread.
I'm glad you are finding things you like. I would suggest starting with what's inside; I see you as compassionate, loving, kind, and so much more. :) Those are the qualities that I seek in people I cherish and value. Love to you..

Hi Everyone! Sorry I haven't been around for a little while... honestly, I was embarrassed because I had nothing good to report and I felt like I fell off the bandwagon! I have gained 3 pounds.... but by the end of this weekend I am hoping to have shed it off again!

I was watching the latest episode of Mike and Molly (i love it!) and Mike was struggling with eating really healthy, losing 50 pounds, and rewarding himself with on pie! Not that I have ever hit a person, but I can relate to the grumpy feeling while starving! Mike was upset because he ate the pie and gained 5 pounds- so he was going to purge it off... obviously this didnt work! He was in his support group and asked a question that I ask myself everyday "Why is food the reward?" Usually I watch the show because it is funny and adorable, but today, it struck a personal note! Mike went on to say that each day is a battle and to take things one day at a time! I found such comfort in this because I feel the exact same way... each day is a massive internal debate! If I am feeling good about myself and my results I reward myself with candy, or a yummy burrito! Then I wake up the next day and feel guilty and terrible...and around and around we go!

I just wanted to share that here because I found it really wonderful to see it on the screen instead of in my mind! For those of you who don't watch Mike and Molly it is absolutely hilarious and effortlessly adorable :)


also, thanks so much Dottington for asking how I am! It truly means a lot to me :) I hope you are all doing well!

Hi everyone. Hope you had a terrific Tuesday. What are 3 things you are grateful for today? Me:

- I have Friday afternoon off
- I am dating a guy who trust in his love for me
- I have a clean comfortable bed to crawl into tonight

God bless.

3 gratefuls:
- met a new friend at Bible study
- a job I love
- God's neverending faithfulness to His children. Praise You God.

Hello Everyone! Today marks the first day of my new diet! It is called the "Dukan Diet". It starts off with 7 days of unlimited, pure proteins (meat, fat free dairy). Then after that you add veggies in and for Pure Protein days then Protein Veg days! I am hoping it works and I can jump start my weight loss journey again! It has been a bit of a struggle and I think my body has plateaued. I am really hoping this gets things moving in the right direction! anyways, I will keep you posted with my success or lack of success!

hope everyone is having a good week!

Nicola

I'm going on a cruise next week and tried to elicit support from my travelling companion, who I thought would be supportive as she's currently working on her own food/health issues. That didn't go very well. She keeps insisting that she's never overeaten on a cruise and I need to leave the protein bars I'm bringing at home.

I explained I have a legitimate disorder, a history of bingeing while on vacation, and need a plan in place and support but she either just doesn't get it or wants a bingeing companion.

Meanwhile, she's saying we need to go to port in Mexico to buy Adipex.

I think I am too big to be a featherweight at this weight, but I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past, so I hope you all don't mind me chiming in.

I was hospitalized in 2010 at my lowest weight which was in the low 90's (BMI around 16 I think), and have been reasonably healthy since then. I just had a baby (three months ago) and am finding it tricky to stay on track with losing the baby weight w/o falling back into old habits.

I think I am doing a good job not eating too little most days (I am trying to stay above 1200) but I find that I am getting addicted to looking at "thinspiration" again. I try and focus on fit looking girls that could hold a reasonable correlation to how I look at a healthy weight, not really-really-skinny ones, but I still feel like I have to hide this behavior because it is similar to my negative disordered behavior -- even though I don't think looking at pictures of fit women is fundamentally bad... Any thoughts on this? Do any of you find yourself looking up pictures of actresses, models, athletes, etc. that you admire for their physique? Do you feel guilty or bad about it?

Me too!
 

Hello seize the day! my name is Nicola! Thank you for sharing your story! I can really relate to the "thinspiration" you speak of! I find myself comparing my body to celebrities and athletes and wonder why I can't look like them! why am I built this way? Being a 6'0 broad shouldered woman, I feel like shrek on most days. My battle with food is daily- if I let it slip for even a moment I binge eat everything I have ever craved...this makes my goals quite difficult to reach! I gain and lose the same 5-10 pounds every month! This is NO way to live! I need to find a balance of enjoying food without going overboard! I guess they call that self control? What seems natural to me is to be very restrictive, then go crazy on my "cheat days"... Anyways, I will stop boring you with my ramblings!

Even know I am not full of advice- I hope that I can help you in understanding that you are not alone!

-Nicola

Thanks Nicola. It is always nice to know that there are others out there with the same struggles. I really feel like the thinspiration and just compulsively wanting to watch or read about everything having to do with weightloss, eating disorders, etc., and feeling guilty/hiding behaviors are the only struggles I am having right now. I do alright with eating enough and not binging/fasting for the most part but I still hate eating in front of others, feel uncomfortable grocery shopping, feel like I have to hide things like tracking my meals or anything related to diet, exercise, health etc.

For instance, I feel really uncomfortable doing any type of exercise with people I know around, and normally I try and exercise and shower before my husband gets home because I don't want him to know that I have been exercising -- even though I do it in a normal healthy way now... I still feel embarrassed about it, or kind of a mix of embarrassment and guilt. The guilt I understand, because I used to exercise compulsively to an unhealthy degree -- but I don't know why I feel embarrassed about it.

In any case, there are some things that I think will always be hard for me, but in general, I think I am doing okay.

Does anyone else have these hiding behaviors?