seize the day it sounds to me like you are doing awesome! way to go! with regards to the hiding- I mostly hide my binging. It embarrasses me how much I can actually eat when I put my mind to it. I don't like eating infront of other people because I am afraid that they are judging my eating habits. Then there is the voice in my head saying "Nicola, they see you eating healthy all the time and still...you are fat"... very self destructive! I seem to be on a good path right now, taking each day at a time. I have a heck of a time with cravings! I am a very emotionally charged person, so when I really want to eat junk food I get moody and upset... how charming!

Hope you are having a good week!
-Nicola

Hello everyone,

My struggles with eating disorders began when I was 10 yrs old. The best dx to describe me is OSFED-BN, or subclinical bulimia. I have been in "remission" for 8 months...until tonight. :cry: I was feeling stressed with.... LIFE. But without going into tons of detail, my kids have unique needs, and one has a disability. Anyway, I ate a ton of food in 30 minutes' time, then it sat and percolated in my stomach for 1 hour. I was feeling so guilty for bingeing. I wanted to relieve the anxiety and shame I was feeling, so I puked. Now my invisible "purge counter" is reset to zero days.

I've had looooots of counseling. In the past 8 months, I've used other outlets for my stress and anxiety - some healthy, others not so much. I've gotten into a weird habit of picking the skin on my heels when I'm stressed/anxious. Unless I work through my underlying emotional issues, I know that I can lapse again with purging.

I want to take a positive, proactive approach to this lapse - and not ruminate on the shame I'm feeling right now. Thank you to the person who suggested listing the 3 things you're happy about today. Here are mine:
1) Lemon lotion
2) My black lab puppy (even though she is very naughty! ;) )
3) A hubby that gives me unconditional love, even when I'm a "B"

and a few more:
4) My kids, for teaching me patience and unconditional love, something I didn't feel growing up.
5) My body - because even though I put it through lots of abuse with eating disorders, it still helped me achieve my dream of becoming a mother.

Do you think recovery is even possible for someone who's been disordered for 15 years?

Hey! I feel like it has been a while since I last posted anything. Here is a little update: I have started doing crossfit again, which has really helped with my confidence and feeling strong! not to mention it is a sweet sweet calorie burn!

My main focuses lately have been eating different foods, eating fats, and trying to find some sort of balance... I am crossfitting at least 5-6 hours per week and running to work 2-3 times a week.... yet, my weight remains the same.... VERY FRUSTRATING. I was hoping to be in the 180's by now.... I am trying to limit my salt intake because that makes me retain water like crazy!

that being said- my binging seems to be there on the weekends still. I just go crazy/lazy and eat whatever I want. "I'm tired today, lets order a pizza". That is NOT the way to achieve my weight loss goals!!!!!! UGH then I start again on Monday and lose weight to gain it back on weekends then lose it again. Very frustrating!


anyways... that's what is going on with me! Hope everyone is well

nic, I applaud you for 5 days clean eating; I'm sure the other two will come.

girl81- Thanks so much! THings are still frustrating... back up to 199lbs.... At least I am less than 200? I feel like I am eating very healthy and exercising like a crazy person only to have my weight stay the same! VERY hard to not start on a binge.... I'm not losing any weight, might as well eat cookies right? NO! I have starting crossfitting 5--7 times a week and running as well... maybe the using the weights at the gym have made me put on muscle mass? I was still hoping to lose a lot more fat...

how are you doing girl81?

nic,

I bet you are gaining muscle with crossfit. Congrats! :) And forget those crappy cookies; you deserve yummy fresh good fuel after all that hard work.

I am feeling very blessed and taking it one day at a time. Are you a Christian if I may ask?

girl81 currently I do not consider myself a Christian. That being said- I was raised in the united church and was baptized by a catholic priest

I too have struggled since I was 13 yrs old with self image based on the scale.
I have been close to anorexia at age 19 (117 lbs 5ft6") then occasional bulimia until at age 27 got pregnant with my daughter and never did that again,happy
with my 140lb weight after my daughter and even after my son was born 6yrs later,then through much stress at age 35-38 went into complete menopause and gained 25lbs now I yo yo and I just dont want to be controlled by food anymore.I want to figure this out for good and be free from any kind of binge eating and I believe only with GODS help I can do anything. May God Bless ALL of you in your journey to not be controlled by food

I am so happy I found this thread! I have been struggling for years with binging after I do so good for weeks just to gain back everything I have lost. I know the binging makes me feel horrible (mentally and physically) but I can't seem to control myself. I am so close to my goal (10-15lbs) and just want to stop this cycle. I will definitely be reading the older posts and checking in here often for support.

I lost 60 pounds from december, im so close to my dream weight (only 15 pounds left) but this last week i have been binging like crazy, i even considered purging (luckily i was't able to throw up so i gave up).
I need support from you guys to get back to my diet.

i may suffer BED, i have an appointement with a terapist next week, i hope i cant get past this last step.

ups, double post :(

I'm quite glad I found this thread. I was anorexic and have always had a bad body image. As I child, I was grwoing very fast until I was 13, then it more or less stopped. But I was bad at PE-classes and the teachers in elementary school dealt with it badly. I also developed early and even though people say I'm rather delicate today and I don't have a lot of curves, I still have the feeling of being "too voluptous". I could never make myself throw up, so for a few years I did "chew and spit".
My eating is normal now, I don't binge, but my body image still isn't good. It was better for a few years, until I had knee surgery in 2012. Now I would at least like to get down to 110 or 108 lbs because I used to be that weight for quite a long time. However, I can't tell anyone here because nobody would understand it. I don't want to be anorexic again, especially since we want children, but I would like to be a little slimmer and more toned.

I have let my weight slip again to below 95lbs. I refuse to accept that. I am going to trample this demon and live a normal life with the Holy Spirit in Jesus' Name. What a waste of time it is to worry about number of miles run. I get so obsessed. The amount of exercise I do doesn't determine my worth; the amount of love I give to God, others, and my self does.

Goal of the week: 5 miles/day MAX.

I have been way overexercising and I am ready to love my temple and be kind to it.
Anyone else want to post a goal and hold eachother accountable with encouragement? :)

Hi I'm back again after jumping off the wagon. I've gained back 8 of the 17 lbs I've recently lost. Having some motivation issues here. I have binged crazy-like during the last month. SO MANY FEELINGS! I hate being controlled by food, obsessed with food, worried about food, consumed with food. If I am to be successful at removing this bad habit (binge cycle) then I have to replace it with a good habit. But what if my unhealthy food consumption serves a purpose - to calm anxiety, soothe fears, comfort loneliness? What do I replace that with? Not drugs, not alcohol (I don't drink but if I did I'm sure I'd be an alcoholic by now.) What then? Or, if I just need to feel those feelings - yikes. I am seriously considering going to OA. I'm in the pre-contemplative stage. There are all sorts of body types in OA. Anyhoo. Even though I don't know you ladies (and men?) I love you all. Sending hugs.

Redon, do you exercise? I find it is a great outlet (when done in moderation).

Yes, low intensity walking with dog 5x/week, 45 mins. But my stress eating cancels out all those calories I just burned lol!! Just started DD in preschool today... Hopefully my stress will go down. She is very spirited, and not always in a good way. Demanding, screaming, oppositional. She has sensory defensiveness so I need to help her regulate her emotional responses to perceived threatening stimuli. I end up being her emotional punching bag during the day. She sees an OT 1x/week, but wow! DD's anxiety issues are running me into the ground.

*hugs* Redon.

anyone still here?

Sure. I had issues from years. I still do and now have medical issues which cause me to gain weight. You can imagine how that works out if you have a huge fear of weight gain!

hugs.

Checking in. How is everyone?

I gained 4lbs and can't seem to lose it.