Violette-I imagine buying a house is very stressful! Oh that's very interesting how your feelings concerning feeling worthy are different. I can see how feeling like the world around you is denying you would be very frustrating. For what its worth I think you seem cool! :hug:

girl81 and nicolas-How are you guys doing?

So I made a point today to find 2 things I like about my appearance and didn't allow myself to argue against them or discount them. I also did the affirmations about being worthy and deserving to be happy. It was hard and I kind of wanted to run away from the mirror, but I did it. I'm going to try saying them out loud next time instead of just wording them and thinking them. Anyone have any favorite positive sayings or affirmations that they use?

Focusing on health is working for me with eating right now. I was supposed to be in a couple weight loss challenges but pretty much dropped out of both since they were stressing me out so much. I HATE dropping out of challenges but it happens. I kind of wish there were more health focused challenges instead of the entirely weight loss focused ones. There was actually a really cool one I did last year on here that lasted like several months and was totally health and habit improvement based plus you could log your weight too. It was based on this triangle chart thingy. Maybe I'll just make one for myself and try it again.

I am blessed and grateful to the Lord Jesus Dot :). I appreciate you asking. I will try to respond more in this thread.
I'm glad you are finding things you like. I would suggest starting with what's inside; I see you as compassionate, loving, kind, and so much more. :) Those are the qualities that I seek in people I cherish and value. Love to you..

Hi Everyone! Sorry I haven't been around for a little while... honestly, I was embarrassed because I had nothing good to report and I felt like I fell off the bandwagon! I have gained 3 pounds.... but by the end of this weekend I am hoping to have shed it off again!

I was watching the latest episode of Mike and Molly (i love it!) and Mike was struggling with eating really healthy, losing 50 pounds, and rewarding himself with on pie! Not that I have ever hit a person, but I can relate to the grumpy feeling while starving! Mike was upset because he ate the pie and gained 5 pounds- so he was going to purge it off... obviously this didnt work! He was in his support group and asked a question that I ask myself everyday "Why is food the reward?" Usually I watch the show because it is funny and adorable, but today, it struck a personal note! Mike went on to say that each day is a battle and to take things one day at a time! I found such comfort in this because I feel the exact same way... each day is a massive internal debate! If I am feeling good about myself and my results I reward myself with candy, or a yummy burrito! Then I wake up the next day and feel guilty and terrible...and around and around we go!

I just wanted to share that here because I found it really wonderful to see it on the screen instead of in my mind! For those of you who don't watch Mike and Molly it is absolutely hilarious and effortlessly adorable :)


also, thanks so much Dottington for asking how I am! It truly means a lot to me :) I hope you are all doing well!

Hi everyone. Hope you had a terrific Tuesday. What are 3 things you are grateful for today? Me:

- I have Friday afternoon off
- I am dating a guy who trust in his love for me
- I have a clean comfortable bed to crawl into tonight

God bless.

3 gratefuls:
- met a new friend at Bible study
- a job I love
- God's neverending faithfulness to His children. Praise You God.

Hello Everyone! Today marks the first day of my new diet! It is called the "Dukan Diet". It starts off with 7 days of unlimited, pure proteins (meat, fat free dairy). Then after that you add veggies in and for Pure Protein days then Protein Veg days! I am hoping it works and I can jump start my weight loss journey again! It has been a bit of a struggle and I think my body has plateaued. I am really hoping this gets things moving in the right direction! anyways, I will keep you posted with my success or lack of success!

hope everyone is having a good week!

Nicola

I'm going on a cruise next week and tried to elicit support from my travelling companion, who I thought would be supportive as she's currently working on her own food/health issues. That didn't go very well. She keeps insisting that she's never overeaten on a cruise and I need to leave the protein bars I'm bringing at home.

I explained I have a legitimate disorder, a history of bingeing while on vacation, and need a plan in place and support but she either just doesn't get it or wants a bingeing companion.

Meanwhile, she's saying we need to go to port in Mexico to buy Adipex.

I think I am too big to be a featherweight at this weight, but I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past, so I hope you all don't mind me chiming in.

I was hospitalized in 2010 at my lowest weight which was in the low 90's (BMI around 16 I think), and have been reasonably healthy since then. I just had a baby (three months ago) and am finding it tricky to stay on track with losing the baby weight w/o falling back into old habits.

I think I am doing a good job not eating too little most days (I am trying to stay above 1200) but I find that I am getting addicted to looking at "thinspiration" again. I try and focus on fit looking girls that could hold a reasonable correlation to how I look at a healthy weight, not really-really-skinny ones, but I still feel like I have to hide this behavior because it is similar to my negative disordered behavior -- even though I don't think looking at pictures of fit women is fundamentally bad... Any thoughts on this? Do any of you find yourself looking up pictures of actresses, models, athletes, etc. that you admire for their physique? Do you feel guilty or bad about it?

Me too!
 

Hello seize the day! my name is Nicola! Thank you for sharing your story! I can really relate to the "thinspiration" you speak of! I find myself comparing my body to celebrities and athletes and wonder why I can't look like them! why am I built this way? Being a 6'0 broad shouldered woman, I feel like shrek on most days. My battle with food is daily- if I let it slip for even a moment I binge eat everything I have ever craved...this makes my goals quite difficult to reach! I gain and lose the same 5-10 pounds every month! This is NO way to live! I need to find a balance of enjoying food without going overboard! I guess they call that self control? What seems natural to me is to be very restrictive, then go crazy on my "cheat days"... Anyways, I will stop boring you with my ramblings!

Even know I am not full of advice- I hope that I can help you in understanding that you are not alone!

-Nicola

Thanks Nicola. It is always nice to know that there are others out there with the same struggles. I really feel like the thinspiration and just compulsively wanting to watch or read about everything having to do with weightloss, eating disorders, etc., and feeling guilty/hiding behaviors are the only struggles I am having right now. I do alright with eating enough and not binging/fasting for the most part but I still hate eating in front of others, feel uncomfortable grocery shopping, feel like I have to hide things like tracking my meals or anything related to diet, exercise, health etc.

For instance, I feel really uncomfortable doing any type of exercise with people I know around, and normally I try and exercise and shower before my husband gets home because I don't want him to know that I have been exercising -- even though I do it in a normal healthy way now... I still feel embarrassed about it, or kind of a mix of embarrassment and guilt. The guilt I understand, because I used to exercise compulsively to an unhealthy degree -- but I don't know why I feel embarrassed about it.

In any case, there are some things that I think will always be hard for me, but in general, I think I am doing okay.

Does anyone else have these hiding behaviors?

seize the day it sounds to me like you are doing awesome! way to go! with regards to the hiding- I mostly hide my binging. It embarrasses me how much I can actually eat when I put my mind to it. I don't like eating infront of other people because I am afraid that they are judging my eating habits. Then there is the voice in my head saying "Nicola, they see you eating healthy all the time and still...you are fat"... very self destructive! I seem to be on a good path right now, taking each day at a time. I have a heck of a time with cravings! I am a very emotionally charged person, so when I really want to eat junk food I get moody and upset... how charming!

Hope you are having a good week!
-Nicola

Hello everyone,

My struggles with eating disorders began when I was 10 yrs old. The best dx to describe me is OSFED-BN, or subclinical bulimia. I have been in "remission" for 8 months...until tonight. :cry: I was feeling stressed with.... LIFE. But without going into tons of detail, my kids have unique needs, and one has a disability. Anyway, I ate a ton of food in 30 minutes' time, then it sat and percolated in my stomach for 1 hour. I was feeling so guilty for bingeing. I wanted to relieve the anxiety and shame I was feeling, so I puked. Now my invisible "purge counter" is reset to zero days.

I've had looooots of counseling. In the past 8 months, I've used other outlets for my stress and anxiety - some healthy, others not so much. I've gotten into a weird habit of picking the skin on my heels when I'm stressed/anxious. Unless I work through my underlying emotional issues, I know that I can lapse again with purging.

I want to take a positive, proactive approach to this lapse - and not ruminate on the shame I'm feeling right now. Thank you to the person who suggested listing the 3 things you're happy about today. Here are mine:
1) Lemon lotion
2) My black lab puppy (even though she is very naughty! ;) )
3) A hubby that gives me unconditional love, even when I'm a "B"

and a few more:
4) My kids, for teaching me patience and unconditional love, something I didn't feel growing up.
5) My body - because even though I put it through lots of abuse with eating disorders, it still helped me achieve my dream of becoming a mother.

Do you think recovery is even possible for someone who's been disordered for 15 years?

Hey! I feel like it has been a while since I last posted anything. Here is a little update: I have started doing crossfit again, which has really helped with my confidence and feeling strong! not to mention it is a sweet sweet calorie burn!

My main focuses lately have been eating different foods, eating fats, and trying to find some sort of balance... I am crossfitting at least 5-6 hours per week and running to work 2-3 times a week.... yet, my weight remains the same.... VERY FRUSTRATING. I was hoping to be in the 180's by now.... I am trying to limit my salt intake because that makes me retain water like crazy!

that being said- my binging seems to be there on the weekends still. I just go crazy/lazy and eat whatever I want. "I'm tired today, lets order a pizza". That is NOT the way to achieve my weight loss goals!!!!!! UGH then I start again on Monday and lose weight to gain it back on weekends then lose it again. Very frustrating!


anyways... that's what is going on with me! Hope everyone is well

nic, I applaud you for 5 days clean eating; I'm sure the other two will come.