Hey ladies! Just a quick check in, I'll do personals later or tomorrow! I had a great weekend but ate far too much. Lots of salty stuff too, like pizza and crisps. I was just so busy and didn't get a chance to eat dinner on Sunday so I just snacked a lot.. other than that it was over indulging at dinner parties and with friends. Woops. Well the scale said 144.6 this morning, holy crap. I'm not too worried, I know that I made the choice to eat what I did too. I'm holding a lot of water - I can feel it so here's hoping that it all goes down pretty quickly. I've been peeing a lot today already so that's something :D

I had a pathetic meltdown yesterday and convinced myself I was TOO FAT TO GO OUT which is RIDICULOUS because (A) I'm not fat and (B) even if I were, fat people can go out too. I think it's because I am just built the way I am - tiny bone structure and higher body fat % than other women my height and weight. Then I finally got myself to leave the house, met my friends outside a bar, and could barely interact because I was on the verge of tears. I went back to my boyfriend's place and he told me about how some girl at the bar came onto him and I nearly had another meltdown because she's thinner than I am and looks better in tight pants. All that BS after I ran a really good 5K plus some, 3.3 miles in 28:05, and ate totally healthy all day. This is STUPID, I just want to feel human again. Trying to today!

krampus : your weekend looked terrific! Your in laws seemed happy to see you and your boyfriend! ;) Mmmm brownies! i think it's totally normal to break down from time to time. Even as a featherweight, we put so much pressure on us, looking at everything we eat, feeling down from waterweight and everything... You were maybe a bit tired and BOOM! Breakdown. I'm sure you'll be fine. Plus it's always nice from time to time to play de whinny one and get the other to comfort us (the others should know it's not the right time to brought up some other girl at the bar, though! ;)) And to answer your question, the abs are doing okay, still not the flatest and most defined, but you can see the start of something. Increasing my rep is totally more challenging and more fun!

TheManeki : Nice to hear from you! Ewww octopus. I dislike that so so much LOL

Jessica : Your 5k run with your dad is going to be so much fun :) And I do agree with you, if you are only planning to have a fun race and not having the time to run much in the next week, don't bother yourself with the speedwork! ;) Magnet chalkboard wall? Your kid is going to be thrilled! I wish I had one!

Joss : I hope you're doing alright, girl! You seem to be busy as h*ll, don't forget to rest a bit!

Alexis : You're good at keeping yourself busy!! On the emotions matter, to me knowing what is wrong is as much of a big part of doing what you need to make it right. Keep it up :)

Leila : Glad you had fun on your weekend!! yay for the peeing! Ahaha!

***

Still 137.0 this morning. As I'm not eating horribly, I decided to just stick up to my routine, drink my water, pay attention to my portions and go for a run tonight with the boyfriend. Even if I would be better with the numbers on the scale being under 135, 137 isn't a big deal, I just have to remember that.

Plus today I'm wearing a pair of jeans I haven't wear in months (they were a bit to thight when I got them at the beginning of the summer) and I think I'm rocking them today :D Yay for self-esteem!

Oh and I forget to say that last weekend, I tried 2 pairs of jeans (Volcom and Billabong, so not the ''a big bigger'' Target/supermarket kinda jeans) in the size 7 and they both fit. Like fit FIT, I was able to live in it and I actually ended up getting one the 2 pairs. I got a size 7 skirt this summer but I thought it was a matter of brand... I'm now 7 in threeee freaking different brannnnds OH YEAH. (I know you probably all wear 3-5 sizes here, but I got junk in the trunk :P)

Alrighty, I'm going to try to catch up on some personals, but I apologize if I miss a bunch of stuff!

Turbo - Even though you're up a few pounds from your 135 pound goal, it sounds like things are still coming along nicely! After all, what is a number really? Its one way to gauge your progress, but I think how your clothes fit you is much more important. I am guilty of the numbers obsession myself, but really, the clothing is what matters. So, congratulations on that!
Yeah, I've been a busy bee the last couple of days traveling and working out here in Colorado. Today we got out early though, so I have a bit of an opportunity to play forum catch up.

Krampus - Ugh, big hugs lady! :hug: I saw your previous post talking about your weekend and how you ate too much but didn't care, and I was thinking "that's my girl, great attitude!" but you know what, the mini breakdown you had doesn't take away from that at all. It's not realistic to think that we'll all be happy and secure and love ourselves all of the time. Even us 'feathers' / 'maintainers' still struggle with this stuff from time to time, and that's why its so important to share this kind of thing and to cheer others on when they are the ones going through it. I've been having a hard time since Saturday (more on that in a bit) and honestly it helps me to see that you have struggled a bit too. It's not so much a case of misery loving company, but the fact that I know I'm not so alone, and that I'm allowed to feel like I'm having a "fat day" or an "ugly day" or just an off day in general. It doesn't need to make sense, it just happens sometimes.

As far as the situation with my hubby and the cat, it's hard! I know why he tossed him outside (the cat jumped up on the table and peed in my husband's gym bag for no reason) so my hubby was mad and didn't want him in the house for a bit. He had no clue that the cat would run off and not come back. I don't want to be mad at him, but I am super disappointed.
Others have mentioned putting up posters, and for some reason that thought woke me up this morning and made me so angry! Why in the **** would he just sit back and assume the cat will come home? Other people probably see the kitty and assume he's an outdoor cat, so no big deal. Maybe if they knew he was missing someone would call! I am now pretty angry that, while apologetic, my husband hasn't made any effort to recover the cat. Honestly its really effecting me... I'm having trouble dealing with those feelings and it's manifesting itself in my diet and workouts. *UGH!* I'm white-knuckling the binge demons the past two days, and honestly I ate my face off Saturday night and Sunday afternoon/evening.
Today I went to Sprouts, which is a natural foods store here in CO, and it was amazing... like a Whole Foods with gorgeous bakery and deli items, tons of treats... I wanted so badly to eat it all. I was just saying "If I get some sort of 'sign', skrew it, I'm eating it all!"... but I didn't. Barely. I didn't even buy any treats because I knew I would eat them and then continue binging.
I was going to go have a nice dinner with my husband on Friday but now I feel like I don't deserve it because I already overdid it 3 days this month, and it's only the 11th!

Leila - I'll join you on the 'Constantly peeing today' bandwagon. :) Why is it that we all seem to "fall off the wagon" at the same time?! LOL it's like when women's periods synch up, only for us, it's overeating!

Alexis - LOL, see, now I feel like a fraud with you telling me you were impressed I stayed on plan! I WAS, but then Saturday I did my weekly WI and hit an all time low (113.4 pounds) and it freaked me out a bit. I was like, "OMG, I'm going to waste away and lose my muscle!!" so I ate. A lot. and then I did it on Sunday too. Grrrr. I DID do it on purpose, but I should have done it 'cleaner' because I'm battling some awful sugar detox demons.
If you don't mind me asking, what is the "audacious" goal you set for yourself? I'm intrigued!

Jessica - Your daughter's room sounds like quite the project! Painting isn't a huge thing, but the chalkboard paint is a bit intimidating! Hopefully sanding it down and doing another coat fixes the lumps and bumps.
As for your training, is there no way you can sneak in 30 minutes to go for a fast run? I'd hate to see you have to play catch-up and then risk overuse injuries or burnout.

TheManekiNeko - I can relate to being busy! Good luck balancing it all. :)

Chickie - Actually I spoke to the woman who helped to design my ring, and since she spent so much time on it she's going to do all the repair work (replacing the diamond, cleaning it, checking all the settings, sizing it, etc.) for free. :) It is insured, but that would still have to come out of my pocket initially and it's sort of a pain. The fact that they'll fix it right off without me having to use my insurance is awesome. I'll just have to get it to them and wait a bit to get it back.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with the headaches and working out again! I wish I had some advice, but when it comes to working out, I go all out... I'm not good at "easy" either. :(

Wow... my husband just finally fessed up and told me that when he tossed my cat out, he got hit by a car and so my husband buried him in the back yard.
I am so upset right now! Not only did my cat that I have had for EIGHT years die, but my husband kept it from me for a week!

Joss- oh my, honey. I don't know what to say! I am so, so, so sorry. I don't know what was going through your husbands head, but I'm sure he panicked like CRAZY and at the time, it may have seemed like a "good idea" to "save you from the pain" and just say the cat ran away. Totally wrong...you know that, he knows that. I just want to throw him a small bone and say that I'm sure he feels like total *** and has been probably trying to find a way to tell you. Again, I am so sorry about your kitty. Losing a pet is never say, and this has been especially hard. Major cyber hugs!

Krampus- you are gorgeous. Seriously. Sometimes I feel like an old woman on this thread, because everyone is so young and vibrant! Especially you. You are always doing something fun and outgoing. You kicked butt on your run and had an awesome eating day. And THAT is why you look great, whic you really, really do. Sometimes I see your siggy and I'm like, "she's taller! Why can't I be that weight!" we are like three pounds apart...women are just plain psycho when it comes to our bodies and looks. It can't be rationalized. Just accept the occasional, completely unfounded self-critique and move on. Your boyfriend loves YOU, not skank-a-licious at the bar ;) I straight up hate myself today. I have horrible, awful, bad skin. And I make it worse by trying to "make it better". Then I obsess so much and feel so crappy I won't wear certain shirts because I'm sure EVERYONE is staring at the blemishes on my back and shoulders. Sigh. Why do we torture ourselves?!?

Turbo- your weight loss has been really steady...way to go! Yea! About your jeans fitting better. That always makes me feel better than going to a lower size, because I never truly know if the new lower size is actually smaller. But when I can fit into pants that I couldn't previously...score! Lol about your junk in the trunk. Me, too! I have the worst time buying pants.

JossFit Oh my gosh I am so, so sorry about your cat :( :( :( I imagine your husband was completely and utterly riddled with guilt about kicking him out and didn't sleep at all for that entire week, racking his brain about how he could possibly tell you...not like that makes it BETTER by any means, nor bring him back. RIP kitty, sending you all the e-hugs and words of encouragement I can't think of. I don't know if I ever want a cat again after going through losing Cinnamon. Thanks as always for your sensible and encouraging words; the notion of someone as lean and fit as you having a "fat day" seems almost absurd, which helps me work through my own sh!t.

ChickieChicks HUGS to you, it's way too easy to pick ourselves apart and get pointless competitive. I will admit I've seen your pictures and gotten all huffy like "hrrrnnnggggffff she's had 2 kids and she's shorter than I am and she looks sooo much better in a bikini, wahhhhhh" ;) Thanks for humoring my complaining - hope you can pull yourself out of the self-hate and feel good about what you do have, and the fact that you're maintaining a 60+ lb loss!!!

TurboMammoth Congratulations on the size 7 pants! I am a vanity juniors' 5 on a good day. I kind of (ok not kind of, really) hate shopping for pants because nothing ever fits me right. Guess it's stretch pants for the foreseeable future. Challenging and fun = good exercise in my opinion!

******

125.0 this morning, I probably gained a pound over the weekend. I didn't eat much yesterday - 1500 or less. Added overhead press to my lifting routine this morning + lots more renegade rows. OUCH in the good way! I am determined to feel good about myself today.

Joss : I am so so so so so sorry to hear about your cat! :( :( :( As a crazy ''my cat is my baby'' type of girl, I don't know what I would do. I know this is no way to mend for his actions, but your husband was probably so ashamed about the whole situation... In a state of panic, we do many stupid things.. Big big big hugs. Let me know if I can do anything for you girl!

Chickie : Oh god thanx I'm not the only one who have trouble to find pants! the legs fit, but the waist doesn't, or the opposite. it juuuust started getting easier lately, thank god!

krampus : You seem to become more and more dedicated to your muscles routine... that is NICE. I wish I could stick to something like that (or just be able to do something like that. i'm sooo weeeak lol)

***

136.2 lbs today. Happy about it. I'm expecting some kind of increase though tomorrow, I ate a larger meal tonight, and cooked through the morning. I ended up eating 2 of the pumpkins muffins I made (they were small and healthy though) and tasted a LOT of the plum-cardamone jam I made. D*mnnnn.

I'll wait until tomorrow before panicking!

krampus aw lady, that sucks.. how are you feeling now? Those melt downs really just suck and they seem to come out of nowhere. Well let me tell you that you are effin' awesome! You're totally hot, kind, helpful and funny and I don't even know you (so I know that it might not mean so much coming from a strange far away internet person with cow pattern plates and cups and things/also might sound a bit strange) really. I know the feeling though, and I know it doesn't make much sense/is irrational. It's hard to know how to deal with it when it does. :hug:

Joss I am so so so sorry to hear about your cat :hug:, that really is just awful.. I'm in the same boat as Turbo so I really do feel for you. :hug: (sorry this is so short, just know that I'm thinking of you)

Turbo Pumpkin muffins?! Send me some :D Congrats on the size 7, that's awesome! I too have junk in my trunk.. I often have that issue of the pants being tight on my legs and loose at the waist.. agh! Also way to go on 136!! :)

Trying to figure out clothes sizes are impossible.. did I mention I picked up some Ralph Lauren in a size 12 and they're still too small (uk sizes)?! They're way smaller than some of the size 8's I have.. agh!!!


Right if none of that up there makes any sense I'm sorry, it's 1.30am and I'm just finishing up some work stuff, I got up at 6.45am (after 5hrs sleep waaaa waa waa) and have been on the go since.. my brain is melting! Had to do a lot of driving too and I surprisingly enough managed not to eat like a crazy person even though I was all 'I have lots of work to do, I deserve to eat all of the chocolate'.. yay

I've been peeing like a racehorse though, holy crap.. 142.4 this morning so that should keep on coming down..constantly going to the bathroom = not cool.

Big hugs to all of you!

HUGS for everyone! I am magically down 0.4 lbs despite eating probably a full pound of meat and a ton of potato chips and pasta salad last night. I was RAVENOUS and never even felt "too full." Tonight I'm going to the Olive Garden (yawn) with my parents for their anniversary dinner. I am probably gonna order grilled salmon and secretly wish I had gotten fettucine Alfredo. :D

In happy news, my dress clothes that I couldn't fit into 10 lbs ago are now fitting great! I bought this H&M German size 34 (so French/Spanish size 36, US 4-6ish but we all know H&M runs SMALL) blazer in winter 2010 when I dieted myself down to the 120s, and promptly ate my way back up into the low 130s, where it never quite fit. Now it fits perfectly!

Speaking of Europeans...where did philana go? Dorian5 and Dianne wherever you are I hope you're doing ok! I miss you guys!

LeilaJey Aw you're sweet. If I make it to Ireland I'll make a point to visit you and eat like a pig off of all your cow printed dishware. I feel much more human now - I think there was some issue coming down from the brownies if I may be honest. Clothing sizes are all BS, at some stores I am squeezing into the Large and in others the XS is too roomy.

TurboMammoth Oh my gosh pumpkin muffins! My roommate is making pumpkin and chocolate fudge for a food swap on Sunday. I am going to make something but I dunno what yet. What ingredients did you use for the muffins? You might think it's a big deal for me to stick with lifting but it goes by FAST, unlike distance running...I never have the patience to go longer than 5K!

Leilajey : I would gladly send some muffin your way, if they would'nt have blue/green beard when they finally got to your place! ;) WOAH, sound like you had a busy day! good job on not eating your life away during the day! When I, on the run, I always make it an excuse to eat everything everytime everywheeeeere. Hoe all this peeing will get you down on the scale! ;)

Krampus : I'm so happy to hear you've been feeling better! You're doing such a great word handling your workout and your diet in your life, don'gt let a brownies-induced slip up bring you down :) omg pumpkin and chocolat fudgeeee. I never succeeded making fudge. I tried twice so far and I never cooked it enough = major fail x 2. I have an incredible respect for people who are able to make this! LOL

the pumpkin recipe I used is this one : http://www.kingarthurflour.com/blog/...to-perfection/

I baked them in muffins tins, and because they are a weekly night dessert, I wanted to keep them healthy and swap all the butter for unsweetened apple sauce and I cut in half the sugar they put in... They are reallyyy good though. I sprinkle them with cinnamon-spiced sugar but they would probably be super good in more a decadent way with a cream cheese frosting sprinkled with cinnamon!

***

136.0 this morning, even after the rice + peanut chicken + all the tasting I had while cooking yesterday. I had it more easy on the pooping for the past 2-3 days, it probably helped :D I'm eating the rice left over tonight in some kind of salad.. Only hope the 2 carbs in 2 night won't messed up hehe. I'm planning to go fod a speedwork out run tonight when the temperature will have decrease a bit.

I do agree with krampus, Dorian, Philana and compagny, are you alive? We miss you! :(

I feel like I've been so absent lately... sorry ladies! I'm just so out of sorts right now and I don't know what in the heck is going on with me. Ever since Saturday, every time I eat I just want to keep on eating and binge like crazy. I have been OP and controlling it since Monday, but it's so hard! I haven't had this problem in a long time, and it's obnoxious to say the least. My guess is that it is partially because I am out of town, and traveling always has that effect on me to some degree; not being able to cook things like I do at home that really satisfy me coupled with all sorts of new/different restraunts and food options to tempt me make things hard.

I am probably going to see my hubby and brother tomorrow, and as much as I would like to stay OP I also would really like not to and eat some awesome things. That line of thinking makes me think; well, might as well start now if I'm just going to go off plan tomorrow anyway. Stupid right? I honestly think it would be easier if I were trying to lose weight, but being as lean as I am, I know that I could undo any damage I might cause with just a bit of hard work, which I plan to do once I get home anyway...

Be honest ladies; what would you do? Am I going nuts? I feel like it right now...

Turbo - Yay for speed work! I have been doing a lot more of it myself lately. I don't necessarily have anything I'm training for, but doing sprints helps me to preserve my muscle mass moreso than distance running would. Plus, it gets it over quicker. :)
The pumpkin muffins sound delish. I love pumpkin and make a lot of different things with it quite often though, so I'm more intrigued by this plum and cardamom jam you speak of... THAT sounds like a fantastic flavor combination!
Thank you for the kind words about my situtation with the hubby and kitty. I realize that he was trying to protect me, not himself, and he just didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to be sad. I think he finally realized that I was just going to continue to worry about the kitty until I knew that he wasn't still out there lost and lonely, so he decided to tell me. Was it the best way to handle it? Not at all. But, I understand, and I'm trying to forgive him. We're speaking again at least.

Krampus - I've been wondering about those ladies a lot too! I'm hoping they just aren't interested in posting lately, and not that they have completely fallen off of the wagon. A couple of them were having some hard times sticking to their diet and workout plans right before they stopped posting here. :(
Ugh, I'm totally ravenous lately so I can relate! My urge to binge isn't just mental, it's physical as well... no doubt about it. I think that the increase in carbs and calories this weekend has just made my body freak out, and now trying to curtail my eating is all the more difficult.
If you are trying to eat well at Olive Garden tonight, the apricot chicken is a good option as well. Here are a few things I found on their menu;

Minestrone soup - 100 calories
Garden salad (w/o dressing) - 60 calories (w/ dressing) - 150 calories
Chicken and Potato Flourentine Soup - 210 calories
Side of grilled chicken - 110 calories
Venetian Apricot Chicken (lunch portion) - 290 calories (dinner) - 400 calories
Herb Grilled Salmon - 510 calories
Parmesan Crusted Tilapia - 590 calories
Seafood Brodetto - 480 calories
Steak Toscano - 590 calories
Amaretto Tiramisu - 240 calories
Limoncello Mousse - 230 calories

Leila - Thank you as well for the kind thoughts and words. I'm working through it, but I think my workouts and diet (at least my dietary struggles) are really showing it's wear on me! You seem to be doing great though! It can be so hard when you're busy, especially when your brain tells you that you deserve it and to eat all the chocolate... that's what mine is doing now and it's so hard to shut it up! I keep arguing with myself that it won't hurt me, or that I can work it off quickly... but at what point does that go too far? Eventually it will catch up if I keep doing that.

Chickie - Thank you so much! You guys are all so great... I can see that you really mean it when you all say you are there for me and don't think I'm a weirdo for being so upset about a pet.
How are you? Hanging in there? Have you been able to try working out in the past few days?

** I just want to say thank you all again so much for the support. It might sound bizarre, but having this forum to go to and get out some of my neurotic thoughts about diet/workout/food/etc. is so theraputic. I'm not worried that you all are judging me or think that I'm somehow wrong for the things that I think and feel.

Everything in life is connected, and when I'm stressed out, upset, or just plain overwhelmed with life it definitely effects my attitude toward food and working out. I am making such progress with my "all or nothing" attitude, but I'm not perfect and I'll always struggle with emotional eating. I always feel like I have to be so strong and set an example, and Heaven forbid someone in my real life see me behaving like a normal human being (outside of my hubby and BFF, but even they get the filtered version) and having a hard time with my program.

I don't want to backslide and gain weight (fat specifically) even though I realize that it's normal to do so. I just have to take it a day at a time, or a meal at a time on days like today, and just keep pushing forward.

I totally binged for the first time in like, ever. I'm really grossed out by myself right now, BUT, it also made me realize I needed some motivation; TOUGH MUDDER CAROLINAS!

Yep, signed up with a team of my girlfriends... it's going to suck, but be awesome at the same time.

Hi girls! Joining in! I'm on my last 8lbs & it's a struggle to get there. I had my 3rd miscarriage in August, & got back at my dieting & exercising. I was down to 155 when I got pregnant & only gained a pound in the 3 months I was pregnant.

Since my surgery (had to have a d&c on Aug 11th which was actually my daughter's 2nd birthday), I've lost 9lbs. I had a goal of 139 by October 14th, but the way the scale is working, I don't think it's possible anymore. The closest I can get to 139 will have to do. :)

Joss - I am so sorry to hear about your cat. :( I agree with Krampus - your hubby must have been utterly lost trying to figure out how to tell you. Have you ever seen Just Married? This made me think of a scene from it. :) And one binge won't kill you. It happens. It was once & it's over now. You can move forward & know that it's in the past.

Krampus - Everyone has fat days. It's so hard. There will always be someone prettier or skinnier, but it's about you being confident in yourself. I have lots of fat days, but you have to remind yourself of where you are at compared to where you were. I go back & look at my old fat photos & realize that I've accomplished so much. And unfortunately, that fat girl is still inside of me, & she likes to make me feel bad every once in a while. Just gotta power through & tell her to shut up. You aren't that girl anymore.