Hi everyone! Feeling a little sheepish, I haven't been on in... sheesh, months? Yikes. I can't believe how well everyone is doing, holy sh!t. And so many new feathers!!

I was maintaining 120-123 for so long while I was on here, it wasn't my goal weight (115) but I looked good and I feel like that's where my body likes to be!

But I started getting too obsessed with that 115 number and I started restricting hard, too hard, and only eating ~500 calories a day. I got waaay down on the scale, but I was just pissed off and always crying, blech. I was skinny but I couldn't even see it, I looked in the mirror and just saw this huuuge person. I started checking out thinspo sites and just making myself feel like ****.

So, after managing to pull myself out of that, I started bingeing without restraint, and now I'm noticing that I only wear loose shirts and bigger jeans instead of my sexy clothes, because they are too tight! I'm happy, and I'm having fun and enjoying life, but I cringe when I walk by a mirror. I'm guessing I've pulled myself up into the 130's, but I'm not sure since I'm terrified to get on a scale.

Phew, I need some kind of normalcy. I've got to start posting again and writing my calories, and stop making every night at home a booze cruise with my boyfriend. Ready to get back to where I was!!

Krampus, thank you so much for the note you sent me on May 18th asking about me, it made me smile and was exactly the push I needed this morning after gorging myself on cookout food yesterday. (burger, hot dog, ice cream, those frozen wine-cooler cocktail pouches from Walmart that don't even taste good because they are so syrupy....)

How did everyone else do with Memorial Day? Did anyone else succumb to the cookout?

Hey everyone,
Hope you had a spectacular weekend. It was crazy for me, so while I'm glad it's over I'm not glad to be back to work

Kiddo's birthday party went great even though it was HOT. Of course I got sunburned even with sunscreen on. I'm so pale!

It was pretty crazy here with my sister. Hard at times too as I'm trying to watch my weight and she is obese. Since I'm a lot smaller than her I try not to talk too much about the fact that I'm trying to lose weight. When we were shopping at the grocery I mentioned how hungry I was because breakfast was just an apple she said "Well, you need to eat some real food." umm, how much more real can you get than an apple?? She was also talking about how she's finally going to get her weight loss surgery and yet chowing down on muffins, chips, etc all weekend. I'm concerned that if she goes through with it she won't be successful because she's not going to changer her eating habits. And that will be even more frustrating to her. Anyway, she's heading home today. We work best together in small doses I think.

I did pretty well staying on track calorie wise Saturday and Sunday, even if it wasn't the most healthful food choices. But I definitely ate way too much leftover pizza yesterday. I just wanted it out of the house and there were only 3 slices. bleh. I normally weigh myself in the mornings but last night jumped on the scale and was up to 139.6! Saturday morning I was 137.3! What the? TOM happened but still. Yikes. I want to hop on the scale this morning so bad but it's in the bathroom downstairs and my sister is still sleeping - plus I think she'll freak out that I'm weighing myself and go into a 'you don't need to lose weight' tirade.

Anyway, hope you all are doing well. I'm back on track this am with a fresh fruit smoothie so hoping any blip upwards is just due to too much salt this weekend. Going for a long walk at lunch and tennis tonight.

Have a great day ladies!

Hi all!

I'm up to 130.0 but considering I was 128.5 Thursday morning and spent four days at a metal festival living in a hotel and went to a cookout involving buffalo cheese-stuffed burgers and chips and ribs yesterday, I'm not worried. Maryland Deathfest was AMAZING and I ate fancy supermarket salad bar salads like a king and even made myself lift at the hotel gym (once, but once > never). Ready to get back to routine now though. My new roommate/friend moved in and she's gonna join my gym with me today!

Saw some great (and some not-great) pictures of myself from the weekend, sometimes I can't believe I look like that still. This is probably my favorite (and proves I'm not exaggerating when I say I have small boobs) because there is a photo like this from 2007 where I was pushing 155 and I just look way better now.





DottieMae You're a good sister. She could stand to take your example, but you can't be the food police.

Dorian5 Dude so happy you're back. Don't worry about what you weigh now - the important thing is healing and recovering from a negative/disordered headspace. The rest will come, I think!

crazygurl CONGRATS on hitting the 135 milestone!!!

TurboMammoth mmmmmmmmm poutine. Glad you enjoyed yourself! What kind of poutine did you get?

philana The nice thing about being active etc is that you don't even need to count things or worry much when your eating becomes habit!

kwinkle Welcome back! I'm in Troy now which is near Albany. I moved back to my hometown after Japan!

LisaTcan Losing inches means you look visibly slimmer and are stronger. I agree with jayohwhy - the scale will move!

jayohwhy Amazing! I wish I could wear a 4 solidly but I'm still an only-sometimes 4. How was the dance? Did you yell at kids for grinding?

crazygurl : awesome on the 135!

dorian : so long, girl! trying to lose weight can be a source of stress, but to me, the pressure of maintaining can probably be much worst... no wonder we fall over sometimes! glad you're back

dottie : as krampus said, you were nice to your sister. even if we try to put sense in people, the change must come from them, I think... glad your survived your son birthday party!

krampus : omg you're so slim. love your outfit btw, is this a dress? and my poutine was the regular fries, cheese and brown sauce with bacon and onion. YUMMY. My boyfriend had one with spicy stuff like jalapeno and a spicy mayonnaise. Our stomachs had a BLAST!!

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heyyyy. my tummy is still huge. I was up to 138.4 this morning, even after behaving super good yesterday. My boyfriend said that TOM might be coming my way, because I was moody since Sunday (... I don't KNOW what he was meaning by that LOL... thank you, boyfriend)

still sticking to my abs routine, but I put a new twist to it this week, instead of 50 crunchs morning and night, it's 50 crunch in the morning and 50 bicycle abs at night. I think I start to see some kind a line defining on my abs. I think..!

DottieMae -- I'm sorry to hear about your sister, kudos to you for being nice to her, even when she voices her opinion about YOUR food choices. My sister and I do well in small doses as well, I can understand. I so hear you on the pizza thing, too. I will definitely eat the rest of something just to get it over and done with so I'm not thinking about it. Smoothie sounds great, you've inspired me -- I may have to make one tomorrow morning.

Krampus -- WHOA I know where the gun show is!! Your arms look great!! You're so petite and adorable, even with your grrrr face on! What a sexy outfit, you look wicked hot! I can't believe how much you've lost, when I was last posting in February you were still wrestling with the low 130's, now they definitely seem to be LONG gone! Rock on!

TurboMammoth -- Ah, my fellow hockey-loving feather. The Devils & the Kings can both go you-know-where, next year it will be my Hurricanes and your Canadiens!! Also, PLEASE LEAVE SOME WEIGHT LOSS FOR THE REST OF US! Sheesh, you have dropped so much!! I can't see my abs at all, I might need to get on board with doing some crunches myself, they seem to be working out for you!! And aren't boyfriends just SO tactful when they say whatever pops into their head? Haha.

krampus- the dance was fun! it was one of those things where the boys and girls just looked at eachother and wouldn't dance together. at the beginning everyone was in this big circle watching the 5 people that were dancing. it sort of looked like a gang fight. ahaha. i LOVE your new picture. you're so funny!

turbo- aww, i hate having "fat days". did you get a new dress?

philana- nice to see you again! congrats on not gaining!

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oh dear. that was way too much eating this weekend. it started with kbbq on friday night, and then saturday was a night out at a club with one of my friends and her bf to see genuwine perform. i had a little wine at dinner, a vodka soda and a patron shot at the club and i didn't pass out! that was the first time in years i had had that much to drink. i am a little proud at being able to hold my own. i did well ordering at dinner- i just shared a bowl of chili with the table, and had a salad with all the fixins on the side. i realize that i'm not a fan of salad dressing at all any more and am used to eating my lettuce plain.

however, there was a drunken late night dennys trip after the club, which ruined me.

sunday, people randomly came over and we had a barbecue. since i was hosting i was able to measure and track and ate at a 300 calorie deficit even with yummy prime new york steak, salad, and a little spaghetti and ice cream!

however, yesterday my husband and i spent the day together, which meant indian food for lunch, walking around disneyland, and then a fancy steakhosue for dinner-- i only ordered salad at dinner, and gave half to him, but he gave me some of his steak, and i couldnt help but have the freshly baked sourdough bread and creme brulee!

needless to say, i'm wearing a looser shirt today and had a horrible weigh in this morning. i'm still fitting in my size 0 jeans, which is a good sign.

on the up side, since getting the unlimited yoga pass, i've been going to classes at least four times a week and went for yoga on friday morning, and hip hop dance saturday and monday morning. it's amazing me what my body can do and the difference in stamina now. i can see people who are at my beginning weight who are winded in class and i'm surprised that i can hold my own now.

do you guys think my veins could be larger/more visible because i was obese for so long?

sorry about the journal entry.

Will be back later- discouraged due to gain of 1.8 lbs this morning for no reason :-(

TOM week is the worst time to try and get back on track. I am eating maintenance for now. I am gonna get on "the pill" (or take the injection) because it's irregular, it's getting worse as in - the day before I am sick to my stomach and completely exhausted. I shouldn'complain because it's only 3 or 4 days. But out of that I have like a day and a half of feeling horrid. I can't plan any sports and other fun stuff because it's irregular. I am just done with it.

Also - I am gay, I am almost 27 and I am about 500000000% sure I am never having kids. So yeh. No use in getting the danged period every month. LOL.

If my doc agrees this is the last time I am having it for the next few months for sure. Ah, bliss! I want bliss.

Yes. I am a dramaqueen. LOL

DORIAN!!!! You are back! I've been wondering how you are doing. I was gone myself for about 4 months too but been back a bit now. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time though. Normalcy is important yeh. I think Krampus has really been working on her relationship with food so I am sure she can give you great advice, she's been doing awesome in the stable weight. You will figure it out, it's good you recognise the 'problem'. You look awesome in your pic by the way. And knowing what 130 looks like at 5'4 I can say that you are not fat. :P. I still feel big, my thighs are one big pudding. But I could hang at this weight forever and people would call me thin forever. So that's good. I wanna get at 125 because I called that goal last summer. And then I can start working on fitness more than weight. Now I feel a bit guilty for not pushing to reach that 125 atleast. So yeh. Work work work!

Krampus: You look hilarious and damn mean

You girls rock!

Feel better! I also feel like a drama queen before my period...and other times too hah!

My weight sucks today. I'm pissed and a drama queen and I can't blame it on PMS!!! For the next four nights I have concerts from 4-9 pm AND work during the day! BLEH!

Im in a bad mooodd

Oh, I'm spamming this place but:

Only 1 more month before I go to the Red Hot Chili Peppers!!!! I am gonna be 125lbs then. It's my goal. It's gonna happen. I also have aother big event that week that I wanna look good for. So yeh. Watch me drop this weight gals. Ha! :P

Dorian : I missed you too over here, hockey lover! God, I HATE the Devils. Martin Brodeur is from Quebec, where our Habs play, and everytime we play them they always DESTROY us for some strange reason. Next year, Hurricans and Canadian for the win!!!

jayo : I finally did not get any dress, I actually went shopping for shorts and dressed friday night and ended up with a skirt and a shirt. Go figure héhé. I have no idea about your veins questions, but I actually thought they could get smaller (or you know, harder to get in with injection and stuff?) for bigger people?

philana : my friend was doing something with a pill, she was taking it without taking the 7 placebos that you take when TOM strikes and like that, she could have like 4 months without getting her period. Don't know if it's medically ''super safe'' though. give us new from your doc appointment on what he suggests!

crazygurl : I'm exausted just reading your crazy schedule. Hold on girl!

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went for a run and had to cut it short because of thunder and stuff coming on... i dont liiiiike thunder. im such a woss i should have finish my training

plus i had feta on my pizza. i'm so sensitive to salt these days, i'll probably be up 3 pounds tomorrow! ;-)

Dorian - welcome back!! Sorry to hear you've been struggling with disordered eating, I actually threw out my scale in my bathroom today because I could kind of sense my self going down that path (I had a serious eating disorder from 12-22) and wanted to keep my sanity. I would suggest track your calories and workout but don't be obsessed with the number, it doesn't really matter
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Will get to everyone else later, had an ok few days. I'm thinking of focusing on just eating well and getting in good shape my scale hasn't moved in 6 months and it's started to affect me emotionally so I think I need to accept that my body likes to be be around 135..which isn't terrible.

Bleh, boyfriend came home from work yesterday and said he wanted to take me out to dinner, so of COURSE I said yes to that, so I was a bit over my maintenance calories yesterday. Sheesh, first day back on the horse and I fall off. Oh well, today is another day.

Meanwhile I can feel my khakis biting into my tummy this morning and my boobs try to spill over the top kof my bra.

At any rate, our anniversary is on Saturday and we are going to a Brazilian Steakhouse called Brasa -- they have like, 13 different meats or something. My brain keeps trying to rationalize my unhealthy eating this week by saying "Well, what's the point of even trying to be healthy for 3 days, if you're going to go eat a big unhealthy meal on Saturday?" -- but I know that is exactly what got me here in the first place, because I seem to find an excuse EVERY week why I should wait a little longer to start. Plus, we are planning on not only eating a light lunch, but we are going to the zoo for the day! And it's a BIG zoo, we'll be walking a TON!

I tried to do a kickboxing DVD on Netflix when I got home last night, but I am not coordinated and fell over. The woman in the video went too fast and I got frustrated and turned it off. I added a new video to my Netflix this morning, figured I would try a yoga video since I don't think I need rhythm to do it. But the dog, the boyfriend and I DID go on a very long walk at dusk, and it was wonderful.

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philana - You should have no trouble getting on the pill. I'm on low-dose and have been for years (took Yaz for 2 months, was a homicidal maniac), I don't even have a period anymore because I don't take the sugar pills, I just skip to the next month of pills (like TurboMammoth's friend.) Also, RHCP concert sounds AWESOME! I am trying to make sure I'm 125 in a month too!! (idk how much I am right now, might have to re-evaluate once I weigh in) -- but we are having a big cook out for Independence Day and a bunch of people are coming over, I don't want anyone to be leaving our house afterward and think "gosh, look how much weight Candace has gained!!"

TurboMammoth - I won't run in thunder either, and my dog has HIGH anxiety when there's a storm, so he won't even go out the door if he thinks the barometric pressure ain't right. Here in NC, we are feeling the effects of a tropical storm/depression/whatever that thing is off the coast, it's supposed to rain for days, so I won't be able to take my dog on loooong walks this week. (It better stop by the weekend though!) I freaking LOVE feta cheese, yum!

LisaTcan - Thank you. Yeah, I haven't been on the scale yet. I am struggling with the fact that it may be the kick in the arse that I need to buckle down and get back to my normal weight, but it's also been known to trigger me into my light-protein-shakes-for-every-meal mode. I hate to hear that you are having trouble as well, 135 is most CERTAINLY not terrible, it's great!! Just like you said -- it's a number that really doesn't matter, just focus on making yourself feel good.

XOXO, keep it up everyone!

UGH pulled or pinched or tweaked something while I was lifting at the gym yesterday. Same schtick, "first day back" and something went wrong. My foot isn't feeling right either and I'm overdue for new running sneakers. Previously being injured has been a huge binge trigger but I don't see myself going down that path any time soon.

My roommate and my other friend (who owns a food truck/stall in London) are both baking/cooking nuts who blog about their creations together. Last night she made some amazing but not unhealthy chicken/sweet potato/black bean taco casserole thing. We used plain Greek yogurt instead of sour cream. My boyfriend brought over a half gallon of ice cream and whipped cream to make ice cream sundaes for dessert and we made peanut butter sauce. It was all very decadent but I managed to eat sensible portions of both.

Result: scale moved down 2 lbs overnight. 128.0 this morning.

Dorian5 People in exercise videos aren't real humans, I've decided. There is totally a point in trying to be healthy when big outings lie ahead - you feel like you're earning the big outings ne philana is totally blowing up my spot, I'm in no position to give advice!

LisaTcan You look great, are healthy, beat disordered eating patterns, and are getting in awesome shape! F--- scales, you don't need one to know that.

TurboMammoth Running in T-storms is kinda dangerous! I don't like being out in them either. mmmmmm feta.

philana Good luck getting on the pill! I don't want kids either but I am really wary of the pill's side effects and my periods are not bad.

jayohwhy Still fitting in 0s = "still ok" in my book. I will never wear a zero!