I've been thinking about my weight so much for so long and I am so tired of it. It makes me a more boring person. It disengages me from beautiful things. I spend more time worrying about my appearance than I do playing my cello, or reading.
Part of weight loss motivation, for me, is a type of self hatred. Look at that flab. Look at that cellulite. Grab your thighs, grab your belly. You can end this, you can be thin.
I have a very delicate frame, with small hands, feet, bones, and have always rationalized this as the reason that I needed to attain a lower weight to achieve the body look I wanted, maybe in the 105-115 range (I'm 5'2).
I very torn, one part of me wanting to accept and celebrate a lovely body, and put away the internal weight talk for good. To become a less vain and gentler version of myself. Sometimes I think this angry talk in my mind percolates down and makes me judge others just as harshly as my flab.
Another part of me knows how BADLY I have wanted this, and how close I am to achieving the loss of these "vanity" pounds. I had a terrible time in college, and am going to my reunion in May, and in the back of my mind want to be beautiful and thin and perfect to show those snobs a thing or two.
Honey, you should never have to accept self-hatred from yourself. Any amount of it is too much. Our world tells us we will only be acceptable at certain weights, but the truth is we can love ourselves at any weight. We may believe we don't have a right to, but we do -- and anything that is motivated by a sense of self-appreciation and self-love will feel much better to us than when we're acting from a place of fear/hatred. You deserve to love yourself; I'm sure you're beautiful and wonderful as you are, and whether or not you lose a few extra pounds will not in any way change that. Whatever you decide, start and end with love.
Last edited by beautifulone; 04-17-2012 at 02:07 PM.
I know how you feel. I fluctuate between "Screw everyone! I look fantastic! I'm healthy! I'm perfectly good the way I am, no, more than good"
But then there's "Dear Lord do I have any shirts that will hide this muffin top?" "ACK how can I go to that pool party when I'm no where near bikini shape?"
Then there's the subtle hints from my hubby that he likes fit women (rrrr)
I think it is normal to waver and normal to feel sick of the process. I actually felt like that tonight in my boot camp class. I was thinking "Do I really want to keep killing myself like this???? To what end???"
But then other times I feel really good about getting stronger and what not.
guichita, your post really moved me. I remember feeling like I became boring and obsessive when I was very "into" weight loss and actively doing everything I could to lose weight. I would worry and panic about social events and how it was never "good enough."
Now I'm focusing more on other aspects of my life, but my weight isn't moving and I am still heavier than I want to be. Like you I am very delicate-framed and I am well aware that in the country of my birth most women are my height and weigh MUCH less. Sometimes one glance of my body coming out of the shower is enough to convince me I need to ramp up my efforts and lose 30 lbs.
I think people like us need to acknowledge our progress and learn to be happy based on things other than our size or weight. It's so difficult when you've been so focused for so long, but your cello and my violin are gathering dust.
This idea might sound silly, but it helped me. I came to the realization one day that if it's not okay to call other people names, belittle them or pick on them, that it's not okay to do it to myself. Slowly, I've learned to let go the compulsion to label myself stupid, a loser, flabby, whatever. It doesn't make the extra pounds melt away, but it makes me feel a lot better. I think I used to believe that if I was always castigating myself that I would be more motivated to change. But it doesn't work.
I hope you (and me and all of us) can learn to celebrate all the good things about out bodies.
I felt like it could have been me writing this post. What especially hit me was the part where you said you felt like you spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about weight loss, to the result that you get sidelined from other, more intellectually important pursuits. I feel the very same way about myself all too often.
I've recently been stalled at 118. Where I'd managed to get down to about 110 during the thick of the last summer, my slow regain may not have been entirely fat. That is, because I'm now strong enough to run marathons and ride my bike for hours on end, I think my body composition has changed from where I started this time last year, even if my weight is only down slightly. And so it becomes this question of whether it's really worth it to take the pains to lose that last 8 pounds, just so I can go from looking "good" to "flawless".
And anyway, God knows I'd find another flaw in my appearance that required work, even if I were to push my weight down to 110 again. I don't know. Going off my routinized diet isn't really an option -- I'd feel too out of control. I guess I'll just maintain my present diet and exercise routine, even though it's not producing any loss, simply because I think I'd freak out for lack of structure if I did not ensure that my daily calories didn't go over 1800 (for most days of the week, anyway).
That's a really good point. I think that is true, that even if we were at our perfect weight, we'd find something to criticize. I have always found much to criticize about my appearance and I was at a good weight for most of my life.
I have a friend who got 15lbs below her goal weight, she is very very thin now and I'm a little envious. However, she does still obsesses about her looks and her weight all the time and is stressed about the rest of her life as well. I really don't think it has made her any happier or her life any better.
I am pretty occupied with my weightloss at the moment too, but I don't worry over it because I know I always get obsessed about something for a while and then move on to another thing. I am pretty sure that once I am at goalweight I will find a new obsession.
Moderation is an important skill to learn though, it's just so hard to come by!
A fellow Orchestra gal! (Violinist here, like krampus) You decide enough is enough right now! Vanity pounds are just that - maybe it's time you looked at the 'flab' as nothing more than "I can strengthen the muscles underneath what I think is flab. It will make it leaner in appearance. If I desire a certain look, this may help achieve that."
On the other end, even when you reach the "goal", you may still not have worked through the underlying issues that made you feel the way you have felt for a long time. Thinner bodies do not make for happier lives - the real happiness comes from the mental work we undertake to be stronger people. No one can make you feel bad unless you let them. You WILL reach that point where you have gotten through the issues enough that the esteem rebuilds itself and you just KNOW you're awesome and worthy and snobs can't touch your gilded wings.
You're a beautiful person. I know it without even seeing you. You will get to that point, gal. I totally believe in your strength.
I wrote a post about this a few months ago. I got down to 122 and couldn't get any further. I have bounced back up to 126ish and can't seem to drop below that without a LOT of work (and obsessing).
I think for me it's realizing I'm happy when I choose to be happy and I'm not happy when I choose not to be. The choice is mine. Why would I choose to go through life unhappy over such a trivial thing as wanting my healthy body to be just a tiny bit smaller?
I think the other part of me is trying to focus on being GRATEFUL that I have a functioning body: I can walk, run, jump, swim, lift, be completely independent. I am missing no limbs, I can recover from illness, I can build strength..... how lucky am I! It isn't fair to hate such an amazing instrument as my body just because it's shaped the way it's shaped.
I have also- to be honest- stayed away from 3FC a bit more and that has helped. I am not overweight, and I don't need to be surrounding myself with weight loss talk all the time. Sometimes I drop in and provide comments and support to others, but introducing/allowing weight loss talk to be such a big part of my life does not help support my goal of being happy where I am.
It is so easy to fall into a rut, especially when you want to look your best and impress others that you haven't seen in a while. But my advice is to give yourself time and allow yourself to lose weight at your own pace. The more you rush losing weight and the faster the weight comes off, the quicker it will come back on. Take pride in yourself always because each person is beautiful inside and out. The weight will come off in due time, but celebrate yourself and who you are every day because who you are as an individual is special, whether thin or overweight. Good Luck!!
Accepting reality, myself, and my size.
