Hi Feathers.

Ok. I don't know whats been going on with me latley. I have been so moody. Very up and down. I really hope its not a medical issue such as depression or bipolar, and hope its just a hormonal phase I am going through. Are there a lot of hormonal phases in your 20's? I hope so. I'd rather blame it on that then it be something more serious.

Recently, I have been struggling with the fact that I can't seem to be comfortable or happy with myself until I lose the weight I want to. I think thats why I am so hard on myself. Because its either do or die. Either I lose the weight and be happy/comfortable or be miserable and unhappy with myself. But then it makes me think, is this really about losing weight or do I have some other psychological thing going on? I feel grateful and know I am a blessed girl, but I cant seem to be happy with me. I know that having weight you want to lose can cause these negative feelings towards yourself but is it my weight or just me in general? I dont know how to explain it and I am sure I am sounding like a loon. I just have been so emotional, moody, IRRITABLE and I just want to relax and enjoy life. I just cant seem to do that. And I have it in my mind that if I lose the weight, I can be happy with who I am, not be disgusted when I look in the mirror, and I can start living again.

Is it common to go through bursts of depression during your 20's? Some days I really feel just SO unhappy. Other days I am somewhat content. Then other days I feel like "hey life is a-o-k!". Please tell me I'm just being an emotional 23 year old!!

I notice my friends who also want to lose weight arent as irritable or seclusive as I am. This is what makes me think I am depressed and my weight isnt the main issue. I really hope this isnt the case but I am starting to think it is.

Sorry for the long depressing post. Who knows; maybe tomorrow Ill wake up feeling great. Ugh I hate being a woman sometimes

Depression is at least a possibility. I dealt with mild to moderate depression for most of my life but thought of it as just my personality rather than as a problem that might be fixable. For me, your mention of irritability is kind of a red flag because that was one of my biggest symptoms.

After some worsening mood swings through much of 1995, I had kind of a scary depression in the fall of 1995 that finally broke through my resistance to trying medication. After various on-meds and off-meds periods since then, I am now depression-free and med-free since 2006. Interestingly, I feel like I'm even more "me" in some ways--still weird and quirky, but not nearly as irritable and better able to deal with the "normal" slings and arrows of life.

One caution: I have known people (including myself) who are subject to "I will be happy if..." thinking. "I will be happy if I lose weight", "I will be happy if I get married", "I will be happy if I move to a different city", etc. One the one hand, it can be good to have a goal...but, if you *get* that goal, and you're just as unhappy, the bottom can really drop out. It might not be a bad idea to look into counseling before it gets to that point.

honey.

I don't really know a whole lot about depression, and it's so hard to say without actually knowing you in day-to-day life, but here's what leapt out at me from your post:

"And I have it in my mind that if I lose the weight, I can be happy with who I am, not be disgusted when I look in the mirror, and I can start living again. "

This was a red flag to me because at your height and weight you should not be disgusted, and your weight should not be keeping you from living and enjoying life. I understand your interest in losing weight, absolutely -- but it seems that a very small amount of weight, which many (most?) people would not even consider excess, is causing you a lot of pain. (Clarification: I am not saying there is a weight where people should be disgusted, just that the degree of upset-ness seems disproportionate to the amount of weight we're talking about here)

I am a lot like you describe: some days quite blue, other days quite happy. I think my 20s were definitely worse. I cried a lot more in my 20s.

Would it help to keep a journal of how you feel each day? I always think that when you have a record of something like that, it helps you see -- do you have more up days or more down days? Does it relate to your menstrual cycle? Also, if you decide to talk to your doctor about it, you'll have a record to show her, to give her an idea of how you feel day-to-day.

again.

OH Amy! You were meant to be in my life! I am so grateful for you. You always seem to know the right things to say. You are SO right. I never thought of it that way. I dont have enough excess weight to be this sad about who I am. This is clearly more a psychological issue. But its frustrating because I dont know why I feel this way about myself. I really dont get it. I come from an amazing loving family, had a great childhood, and great friends. My sisters who were raised obviously just ilke me, dont have self issues like this. Why do I? I have always had self-esteem/worth issues since highschool. The ONLY thing I can think of is my first love who I met at 14 and didnt end things officially till this April has had a big effect on me. I never felt good enough for him. He never made me feel good enough. He would choose other girls over me all the time. Maybe this is where it came from? Is it possible to develop your self worth/esteem so late (at 14 I would think you would already have your self-esteem figured out). Its strange though. When I am feeling good, losing weight, etc., I feel on top of the world and like I have tons of confidence. But deep down I must not if I do have that mentality "Ill be happy if". I wish I could figure why I am the way I am. I think I might start blogging or journaling. You have a very good point about it. Thanks again for always have the right words for me

Oboegal You said it ! I am that girl thats always saying Ill be happy if. And I HATE that I am like that. I want to be happy NOW! I think my main issue is I am not comfortable in my own skin. And I get a glimpse of being comfortable when I start to lose weight, which leads me to believe Ill be happy if I lose weight. I understand depression also. I had a really bad case of depression for about 2 -3 years. OMG it was horrible!! I ended up taking Lexapro for about a year and it helped wonders! But I am not much of a medicine person so I got myself off it once I felt I was okay and man was that hard. The brain zaps were ridiculous! So naturally, when I start feeling sad and depressed again, I get scared because I never want to go back to that place.

I hate that I have spent so much of my good years worrying about weight and being sad. I am sick of it. I have nothing to complain about and I know it. Yes, my dad is sick, I hate my job, have not found any man even close to being "the one" (Im a hopeless romantic) and am not happy with my body. But there are WAY worse things out there and considering everything, I am very blessed. I wish I could just relax, live life and be happy. Please tell me this is just a normal mid 20's rut everyone goes through!!

Regardless, thank you both for your kind words and taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it

Just want to say, I hear you and I think so many of us deal with feelings of unhappiness about our bodies. I'm in my thirties, but i have almost gotten used to feeling unhappy with my shape after being so overweight for so long! That's sad, isn't it? I also think being overweight causes a lot of us to feel sad at times.

My best advice for you is just to love yourself, no matter your shape. There is really no such thing as perfect, anyway! Loving yourself includes just treating your body well. Exercising and eating healthy foods for health. I have found that every time I focus on health, rather than weight or appearance, I find much more motivation to stay on the right track. Being healthy is loving yourself. I hope that helps a little. Hang in there!

I think you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure to lose weight. AND I can relate. About a month and a half ago, I would describe myself quite similar to what you have expressed. I am about your age (22) and about a year ago jumped from 115 to about 136 in just two months time.. This was a rather quick and dramatic change for me and caused me to feel VERY depressed for the past year. Well i have lost about 10 lbs in the past 5 weeks and already feel SO much better about myself. It finally came to a point where I realized that if i could just STICK WITH IT for a few weeks I would see results. Well, sure enough I stayed entirely dedicated to my diet plan I had laid out for myself and lost almost 5lbs in a week! after that week I was so motivated to keep at it, I did not let my love of food get in my way. The way I look at it is that yes you may be dieting then decide to pig out on this or that, or go out drinking BUT if you can just be extremely disciplined for a week straight I think you will see a GREAT improvement, not only in the way your body handles itself (less cravings, better feeling, etc.) but also in weight loss. I really think you should try and give your diet a chance and stick with it for at least a week straight before you let yourself have drinks, eat out, etc. Honestly you wont regret it.

I really had been feeling depressed and I think that most of it was due to my want to lose weight. I think your sadness and depression will likely fade once you feel happier with your weight, comfortable in your own skin if you will.

If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me whenever. I honestly feel like we have many things in common with the struggles etc. believe me. I had tried to diet probably more than 10 times in the past year and just kept giving up on it. But once I devoted myself to losing the weight it just happened. You cant depend on a single motivation (i had a wedding coming up and still didn't lose a pound! just too overwhelming) So from my experience i would say you have to maybe be a little strict with yourself for the first week or even two to see some GREAT results, and it will just honestly be all worth it!!!!!!

OMG, I hope we weren't supposed to have this done by 14! Because I am at least 24 years overdue!

I don't know that self-esteem is something most of us figure out at any time. You can have your ducks in a row and something comes along and knocks them out of whack. I know it is something I struggle with every day.

Something LMP mentioned got me thinking -- would you consider giving up drinking for a few weeks? After all, it is a depressant. It feels good at first but overall it's a downer for the system. I know I have twice taken breaks from drinking, once for 6 weeks, once for Lent. It's interesting. (also breaks for pregnancy) I drink a lot less now than I used to and a nice side effect is that I'm a lightweight and if I do want to kick back a little, it only takes a drink or two and I'm good. Of course, that could be hard if I was going out for a long night where everyone was drinking a lot. But if you are drinking several nights a week, it could be affecting how you feel. It also messes with your sleep -- you may think you're sleeping really hard, but actually alcohol interrupts your sleep cycle so even if you sleep for enough hours, you will not get proper rest. That never helps anyone!

honey. I know you can work through this!

lilmisspope and Amy Thank you so much for your replies. It really helps so much to not only know that there are people out there for you that you dont even know, but can truly understand and relate. LMP we do seem to have so much in common. Maybe its our age and we are going through similiar hormonal adjustments? When you say you went 4 weeks completley on plan, did you not drink? Were you exercising? Please dont tell me you were doing low carb. I remember you said you were sticking to 1200 calories?

I have thought about trying to take a few weeks off of drinking but I feel like there is always something going on. For instance, my coworkers surprise party this Friday. Its a country themed party with bbq and drinks. That is my favorite!! I am a southern girl at heart so it would be very hard to say no to the bbq AND the drinks. And then the following weekend I have my cousins wedding. How can I not drink at a wedding?

I think I am going to plan on sticking to plan with NO drinking the entire month of October and see how that works. I REALLY wanted to be at 125 by Thanksgiving but I am beg. to think thats not going to happen. I dont know how but I shot back up to 138.8 My body seems to be so comfortable at this weight because I have been at this weight for probably 6 years now. Anytime I lose weight, and mess up a few times it goes right back to its comfort of 138. Its so annoying. I really think I would look good at 120-125. I do have a lot of muscle just now there is more fat

Ive dieted so many times and have fallen off wagon so soon after I start that its now becoming so frustrating! Its to the point where I want to lose the weight just to prove I can since so many times I havent done it. Its like WTH Chelsey, you KNOW what to do do lose weight. JUST DO IT!!!

Ive got to do this. How the heck do I stay on plan being on vacation in NJ for 5 days with a wedding and a birthday two of those days?!

Oh thank you so much ladies. I feel you all are the only ones I can really rant to without thinking I am an obsessive girl with body image issues..

I also wanted to quote Dianes thing about self esteem and the same7 comment about it being overdue.......
Well I got you all beat I am 58 and still going through ALL this crap.....
little miss pope has a pretty good head on her shoulders and has pretty good advice. I myself have been in a rut and have been just breaking out of it by doing the same exact things she is saying once you get the results of the ONE week it So make it easier to face the next.
I know I can BEAT myself to a pulp still after all these years something you would never do to a friend whats with that

Chelsey: I ate 1200 calories a day, and no i did not do low carb. however i am the type of person who seems to just gravitate to protein so many times i ate less carbs then most and went over in the protein category.. oops. BUT it doesn't matter it all evens out. Also, I was not exercising.. i have only exercised about 3 or 4 times in the past 5 or 6 weeks. (im soo lazy) BUT i thought that at first for my body i did not need exercise.. why do it if i didn't need to ( i was still losing weight, and i did not want to overwhelm myself) Maybe you should get your diet under control first before you add in the exercise? just an idea. Also, i hear you about the bbq and drinks... and i understand you don't want to miss out on events. BUT if you just sacrifice a few events, think about how much happier you will be with yourself at events in the future. Say you start right after your trip, give it a real try. GO FULL FORCE and after one or 2 weeks i KNOW you will have lost at least 5 lbs if you dedicate yourself.

While it's true that there are always people who have it worse than you, you're still entitled to feel how you feel. There's a fine line between trying to make the best of things, versus laying a guilt trip on yourself for not being happier.

Be nice to yourself. Everyone has periods when we get down on ourselves--just do the best you can.

Lilmiss You read my mind! I am going full force after my trip and I made that decision after reading your post earlier about not drinking and fully dedicating for a few weeks; so thank you

Oboegal You are absolutely correct and I literally just realized how hard I am on myself. I also realize how bad the stress is effecting me! I went to the hair dresser yesterday and my hair is thinner than normal (I have pretty thick hair naturally) and breaking! She said its probably due to stress! So no more stressing. Life is too short

Thanks to everyone who helped me ! You all are amazing!!

WARNING: Tough love herein.

A lot of this just has to do with being in your 20s. I've been there: it's an emotional time. For me it was a VERY emotional time. As you get older, you often become much more comfortable in your own skin. It's one of the things that makes aging something with which I can deal.

From what I know of you from your posts, though, I've got to say that I don't think you have really committed to making a lifestyle change. And, until you do, you won't lose the weight you want to lose. I know: I stayed at 129 way into my 30s because I just couldn't get my head in the game and commit to making permanent changes.

I agree with everyone who says to love yourself no matter what, but I also completely understand the desire to shed those "extra" pounds. And you won't do that effectively until you accept that you have to change the way that you eat. It's hard to do this when you're already thin by everyone else's standards. I know: I was a size 0/2 before I lost weight. So, as much as I wanted to lose, a part of me knew I didn't have to—and that made committing difficult. Eventually, though, I just said, "Screw it! I want this!" And I did commit. You can, too.

Please understand: I'm not saying you need to lose weight. But I have been where you are in your head. And I'm telling you I stayed in that place well into my 30s. Was I happier? Yes. Did I cry as much? Oh, no. Being in one's 20s is so hard. But I still wanted to be thinner in my 30s. I craved it still. And as much as I had come to accept who I was, I wanted to be an "even better" (in my eyes) me. So I had to make a change—for good.

You can't have the big pasta meals regularly. You can't have alcohol regularly. You can't have a lot of things you love regularly and still get where you want to be on the scale. It sucks, but it's true. You have to make a choice: party like it's 2010 or be the person you want to be, in the body you want to have, in 2011. I'm not saying you can't treat yourself sometimes. But you have to find balance.

If you can commit, the stress will fall away. It truly will. It's trying to live in two worlds—the one world where you compulsively watch what you eat and drink for a few weeks and the other where you eat and drink whatever you want for a few weeks; the one world where you count every calorie during the week and the other where you go crazy on the weekend; the one world where you eat little all day and the other where you eat way too much at night; the one world where you low-carb and the other where you binge; the one world where you try to keep up with your friends in the celebration department, and the other world where you secretly hate yourself later—that causes so much stress. You can't lose weight and keep it off this way. And you can't find peace, either.

I've all but starved myself before. When I was a freshman in college I ate one small meal a day for about four months.

I've also exercised all day and into the night for months and months on end.

And, in between these feats of insanity? I ate "too much." Too much, that is, to stay under 129. And I hated doing it. I've always been thin to everyone around me—and that made it easier for me to yo-yo instead of learning how to eat right and maintain a loss. But I still hated the fact that I was always either depriving myself or eating more than I ought for my goals.

Eventually, you really just have to commit and do it right. Don't overly restrict and don't go haywire, either. Adopt a healthy mentality toward food. And when you do—if in fact you find you really do want to lose the weight (because, again, no one is suggesting that you need to)—then you will find balance. Then you will find yourself.

Is everything going on with you about weight loss? No. It's about being in your 20s. But, if you are anything like I am, it's about the weight, too, and the feeling of being out of control, of not being able to achieve your goals. But you can. You. Just. Have. To. Commit. To. Doing. It. Right. And. For. the Long. Term.

*BIG!!!!! HUG* I have been there, girl. I understand.

This is EXACTLY how I felt. No one else looked at me and said, "oh you need to lose some weight" I was still alot smaller then most of the women i know, but it just wasn't me. I wasnt happy with being bigger then me but smaller than most. I hated feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, i started hating to shop to really do anything because i felt so weird so different then i was used to feeling. I think you will always feel how you do right now unless you really take action.

I think you will be really happy with your decision to eat good and not drink for a few weeks, do a count down.. make it your goal and commit 100% not one sip in three weeks, no fast food etc. try and make it doable but find ways to stay away from really bad foods. I will help you. Just start preparing yourself mentally and realize that this IS what you want, not that greasy nasty food, or those alcoholic drinks. Those things will always be there, if one day you want them, they really will and believe me 3 weeks without them is extremely small compared to another x amount of months or years feeling depressed/stressed/hated for yourself. IT IS WORTH IT and you have the support of all of us!

How do you stay on track through the wedding? You tell yourself you are changing your habits for life. How do you stay on track through birthdays? You tell yourself you are changing your habits for life. How do you stay on track during vacation? You tell yourself you are changing your habits for life.

One Saturday of overindulgence can screw up an entire week of eating well. You can't "diet." You have to change your lifestyle.

Fortunately, when you really commit, it gets so much easier. Oh, you'll hate it at first. You might hate it for the next three months. But in the end you will be just fine. And you will be happy.

P.S. Don't commit after your trip. That is honestly just more of the same. "Oh, I'll start after vacation. I'll start after the wedding. I'll start after my birthday."

Start now. Start now, and when you go on vacation, you'll be so much more in control that you can say "No" when you need to. But if you don't start now? You'll eat way too much on vacation and come back depressed and full of food cravings and not in the frame of mind to "start" by any means.

There will always be vacations. There will always be celebrations. There will always be life. That is something with which you need to come to terms.