After spending countless years hating my body and feeling bad about myself all of the time, i finally decided that i had had ENOUGH. Every single day has been spent in the baggiest shirts and sweats that i could find in order to hide myself from myself and the world, hair pulled into a ponytail, and no makeup.
i don't know what the trigger was; why all of a sudden out of the blue i was in the shower and the thought hit me that i need not make myself miserable one minute longer. It was like this huge cloud lifted and my next thought brought a smile to my lips...i'm finally free from me.
DH sat me down not long ago ( as kind of an intervention ) and told me that ( metaphorically ) he has watched me drag this enormous boulder strapped to my back for too many years. That no matter how heavy it got, i refused to unchain myself from it, prefering instead to continue pulling it behind me even though it had no benefit whatsoever. i, of course, said " i pride myself on perserverence. It at least shows i'm determined and focused ". To which he replied " some people bang thier heads against a wall and finally give up when they get a headache. You, on the other hand have given yourself a concussion and brain damage and still keep going. Don't you know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? It's time to find a new path. A way that will finally get you where you want to go ".
That conversation was about a week ago, and i kinda " yeah, yeah, whatever'ed " it. But i think subconsciously i've been thinking about what he had said. That he was right, and i was doing nothing but making myself miserable. i had become someone who hated herself, and had been doing so for so long that in some kind of sick way i had become comfortable with it. And today in the shower...it's like the lightbulb above my head just clicked on and for the first time in 20 years i finally got it. It finally sunk in, and i was free from me. Free from dragging around that huge boulder of shame, and insecurity, and self-hate.
i got out of the shower, and dressed for the first time in clothes that actually fit my body the way they are supposed to. i did my hair, and put on makeup...with confidence and a smile in the mirror. All the huge, nasty tshirts i've been living in, along with the sweats meant to hide the real me were cut up into pieces and trashed. i left nothing to go back to. My only choice now is to go forward into whatever it is that i will become. i even went and bought my first shirts that have color; pinks and sherberts...things i would have never dared try before. Now maybe people will stop saying i'm walking around looking like a black hole. That can't be good to have others think of me that way.
i feel good. i feel...an inner peace i've been missing. It's nice.
i can't say why none of this clicked in my brain until today. Why it didn't happen years ago so that i could have spared myself from myself. But today is better than never, i do know that. And i wanted to share.
First Major NSV
And congratulations on acting on your "aha" moment.
