Before going into the kind of support I'm looking for. I'm going to tell you my story. Please know that I don't condone my behaviors in any way and wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy... Know that it sucks. I realize that sometimes anorexia is easy to romantisise when you see it in magazines; the ultimate weight loss... but its also the ultimate life loss. Loss of relationships; loss of health; loss of drive...all to an obsession. Vanity; the obsession of self loathing.
My name is Grace. Weight loss was always kind of in my house. Magazines, diet pills, videos...everything was exposed out in the open. I started expressing a desire to lose weight in forth grade, by sixth grade I began self loathing. By seventh grade I had a full blown eating disorder. I wuld excersise for hours a day, throw up what ever I ate, and limit myself to a few hundred calories a day. It was miserable...and I was so wrapped up in it noone could stop me.
I went to the hospital twice. Now I'm graduating highschool. I am in a much healthier place now, probabbly forth pounds heavier, but my body is ill and always will be. I am only 18 and have acid reflux, what appears to be arthritis, anemia that wasn't there before, and a chemical imbalance (was over medicated in the hospital). It is what it is, live and learn, life goes on....
I am 128 pounds; a normal weight. About the middle of my weight range. But I feel absolutely disgusting in my own skin. I want to lose weight. I terribly want to lose weight; just twenty pounds. But I don't know if I should. I don't' have to lose weight but I can. People tell me I look fine but I dont believe them.
There are two parts of me. A part of me that wants to feel better and a part that is just so scared of loosing everything to anorexia again. I don't know what to do... and I'm scared if I tell a doctor about this desire they'll just think I'm sick again.
Is there a healthy way to lose weight if you are recovered or in recovery for an eating disorder? Is it okay to want to lose weight if you're "normal"? This is so hard.
Given what you've told us, I think before you spend any time losing any weight you need to spend some time ACCEPTING your current body type and weight. Until you can accept YOUR body there is no point in losing any weight because you'll NEVER be happy no matter what you weigh and you'll be looking at a lifetime of yo yo dieting.
I second or third at this point seeing a doctor. If that's too embarassing for your or too hard for you, then try some self help books. There are a lot of books out there for people with eating disorders that help you to accept your body.
But like I said, until you accept your body the way it is NOW, weight loss is a waste of time for you because all the body image issues will still be there after you've lost weight.
This is defenetlly a reality check; but its kind of a really hard realization. I feel i've been relapsing into old thought patterns for a while now, all the while hanging onto healthy eating habbits for dear life. And i don't mean to sound whiney but its so tough to compeate with yourself.
Part of the reason I'm afraid to get help is because then it will be harder to lose weight, like I want to best of both worlds. I want to loose 20 pounds but also be able to work on the self acceptance... I also don't want to fall into the starving and throwing up because i know my body cant take it......
however i know the self loathing is unhealthy. ugh. I don't know. I have been using some of the skills i did learn in the hospital... like using positive reframes and complimenting myself. But sometimes it just feels crummy. it is what it is
and i just did my measurements. My waist is 28" and my navel is 33" I just used a body fat calcuator and it said athletic whicih is a boost but.... meh.
Sorry if I'm upsetting anyone
oon the positive side of this is that I'm not just completely consumed as I have been in the past. There is more to my life right now than worrying about how ugly I am. I have so many exciting things going on like college and such. So that's good
Last edited by catostrophix; 05-30-2011 at 11:56 AM.
catostrophix--I'm so glad you're reaching out for help and trying to get a "reality check." Honestly, I don't think having goals to lose weight at your weight/height are unusual or even unhealthy, although your goal weight is maybe a little low. The issue comes in with the constant negative thoughts about yourself, and just your history of eating patterns etc., and the likely unhealthy way you would reach your goal weight. So I'm glad you're checking up on yourself and understand this could spiral downwards, and what the ultimate outcome could be. Thinking in terms of absolutes of "this is gonna kill me" is probably not going to help you much, although it is good to recognize why you need to seek continued help, and I agree, this is may not be the best time to start losing weight until you're in a healthier place
Is there any way for you to go see a therapist? Finding one who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy would probably suit you very well and help you see how your catastrophic thoughts and self talk negatively affect you and your behavior. Are your family/friends helpful? If you can't find an individual therapist, there are often support groups, offered in hospitals or local agencies that are usually free. It will be very important for you to find someone who can support you without judging you, someone who will just listen to you.
In the mean time, focus on taking things one step at a time. You cannot control your thoughts, but you can control your behavior. When things get overwhelming, just focus on doing this one healthy act at at time and remind yourself why you need to stay healthy and continue having fun at college! It sounds like you've come a long way, so give yourself credit for that and keep it up
Last edited by pinkflower; 05-30-2011 at 12:50 PM.
That sounds about right. I mean, its not so much I'm thinking along the lines of "zomg im gona die oh noes"... (thats the reaction I'm scared of getting out of my doctors though when i tell them i want to loose)
its the fact that...either way I'm going to lose weight. I can lose weight now, I'm going to be cut loose in a few months. Noone has any control over what I do with my body; and I can finally get it to look how I want. The issue I have is just the desire to do this the correct way and kind of not let my eating disorder influence that. While loosing weight wont hurt me, using eating disordered behaviors will.
But yeah, I don't have a therapisit right now. My family and friends don't condone my loosng weight and I feel like if I tell them how disgusting I feel they won't believe it. I kind of don't think I'll ever be able to accept my body, but if I'm at a low weight I might kind of be able to think along the lines of "well ive done all I could". So I don't know.
I used to have a close friend who'd been anorexia since childhood (hospitalised at the age of eight). Don't worry, he's still alive as far as I know, the relationship broke down for other reasons, but my point is that I've been very close to someone in this situation. Anorexia since childhood is incredibly hard to deal with. I also have another close friend whose flatmate is in an anorexia treatment centre after a suicide attempt (and also following absolutely appalling treatment by her local hospital, who just used to force-feed her until her BMI was back up and throw her out again - she actually took the overdose while in hospital). There are other stories I can tell you of relatives who have nearly died from something quite mild because they were so underweight; you get my drift. It's a terrifying, dangerous condition and it must be absolutely hellish to live with.
I'm very glad that you have recognised that your desire to lose weight despite being at a healthy weight is worrying. The friend I mentioned, C, would never have done that, he would be terribly thin and insist that he was fat. So I think you're doing incredibly well. You're also reacting well to people's responses here, which is another good sign. C used to blow up whenever anyone told him to go to a doctor or remarked that he was looking thin (admittedly some of them were incredibly tactless about it - people tend to be quite nasty to anorexics, sadly). With a medical condition where a huge part of it is distorted perception, you thankfully sound like you're hanging on pretty well to self-awareness. Keep reminding yourself that your problem is not that you're overweight, your problem is that you think you're overweight when you're not.
I still don't know that much about anorexia, but to me you sound like you're in a good place to begin psychological treatment. Even if that's just at the internet forum stage to start with. This forum isn't focused primarily on anorexia, but it's large, thriving, and has people with all sorts of health problems, including a forum devoted specifically to mental health problems (the Depression forum, check it out) where I believe there are a large number of people with eating disorders. So I think this is a good start for you. With anorexia forums, I suspect it will be tricky to find one where you get the right sort of support, as emotions can run very high in those sorts of places and sometimes people can inadvertently encourage each other into destructive habits. (And that's before you get to those terrible pro-eating disorder places.) I'm sure there are sound forums for anorexia around, and I'm sure there are people here who will know of some, especially in the depression forum. Then there will hopefully be books people can recommend, that sort of thing. It's not professional psychiatric help, but it's much more feasible as a starting point, and community can be a great thing.
I'm not surprised that your friends and family are being crap, sadly. Most people are. My cousin has gone through stages of non-psychological anorexia, if that's the term, when she was unable to eat much due to major physical illness, and I was horrified by the way the family responded. It practically became a competition to see who could get the most food into her. Similarly, I have memories of C's twenty-first birthday party, when a number of friends who hadn't seen him for a while kept on commenting loudly and publicly on how thin he'd got, and it made him very distressed. I also know the temptation to confide in people you generally love and trust, even though they may be lousy at dealing with certain medical conditions. (I've got CFIDS/ME myself, and my family and some of my friends are dreadful about it, much as I love them.) Having a good online community to talk to may help with that, as it gives you an alternative.
Anyway, that's the start. If you're self-harming as well, I know it's common alongside eating disorders, the same applies, ask around and there will be good forums out there. I popped into one once years ago when I was going out with a woman who cuts (like you, since the age of 12 or 13) and wanted to understand it more, and they were sound folks.
As everyone is saying, you're a healthy weight. I checked your BMI and you're at 22, bang in the middle of the healthy range. You may prefer your body at the thin end of that range, but it's much safer to be in the middle and comfortable with your body than it is to be at the thin end, distressed about it, and constantly seeking to get thinner. So I wouldn't recommend that you try to lose weight. The good news, however, is that this gives you some wiggle room while you try to tackle the psychological side of things, and at least you're not in immediate danger of organ failure or what have you. Losing weight probably wouldn't harm you physically for the time being, but I'm sure you know that once you got past a certain point, it would, and it could kill you. Actually, I'm finding that the process of losing weight does carry some risks. I'm happy that I'm losing weight, I'm going to be healthier at a lower weight in many ways, but meanwhile it has sent my hormones all over the place, to the point where my PMS (which was probably caused by being overweight in the first place, the doctors tell me) has been at dangerous levels. So quite apart from the fact that eating disordered behaviour is harmful at any weight, it may not be terribly healthy to be losing weight even at the physical level.
Finding a good therapist or real life support group is definitely something to go for, but I understand if it may not be possible right now, since I gather you're living with your parents and they're not very understanding about your eating disorder. Would a support group be easier than a therapist, or more affordable? Incidentally, how do you feel about doctors in general? Half the people I know with chronic illness, whether physical or mental, are terrified of them!
Another question: what's your diet like now? Healthy? Junk food? Calorie-controlled? Do you weight yourself often?
Best of luck, sweetie. While someone will hopefully be able to refer you to resources more focused on anorexia, you are very welcome here and you have come to a good place.
But yeah, I don't have a therapisit right now. My family and friends don't condone my loosng weight and I feel like if I tell them how disgusting I feel they won't believe it. I kind of don't think I'll ever be able to accept my body, but if I'm at a low weight I might kind of be able to think along the lines of "well ive done all I could". So I don't know.
Even if you decide to lose the weight for all the right reasons, the fact is that with the history you describe you're going to need professional, personal assistance to keep it from turning back into a disorder.
They might also be better able to describe the different between weight and being happy with your body. Weight might not be the issue you're having with your self-image at all. It could be what types of foods you're eating and the amount of movement (or lack there of) that you're getting each day. You could get down to 110 and realize that you still don't like your body if you don't eat well and exercise.
Either way, a professional therapist in person is the way to go. Find the right one to help you walk the line, and find the balance you need. Talk to one first before attempting anything, for your own health.
First off, I want to thank you for taking the tinme and energy necessary for that long drawn out post. It means a lot that total strangers can come together on a support forum like this and genuinely just help. Its really great. Thanks a ton.
I also want to just say sorry for all you've had to deal with in regards to family members suffering eating disorders. Its tough from any standpoint; like any other addiction it just effects everyone in the person. You are a really strong person for being able to deal with that. I give you huge props....
Soooooo I'm just going to reread your post right down the line and resopnd to each paragraph accordingly lol, sooo you might want to reread it. I diecided to wait a bit to respond just so it could kind of sink in and what not... anyway here i go
As far as kind of sort of being mindful of my illness. It took a lot to get to this point; to know that friends wernt out to get me or make me fat. Its actually really saddening to know I just became so isolated from friends after irritating them to no end and refusing to accept any kind of help. I mean, anorexia is NOT easy, but you have to respect the people who love you... I slapped so many in the face (figuratively) with my drive to just continue staying thin. I wish I could just go back in time and give all those people a huge hug. This is the part of my disorder that I can't stand.... the lieing, ruthless, controling part of it with just no consideration for those around.... its sad and just so vain. But I'm not like this now and never want to go back. i try so hard to hang on to the reality of the situation...That's whats keeping me in a healthy place.
I am just so scared to get real help. Its really helped me in the past... Its like... a part of me does want to lose weight and stuff, but another just doesn't ever want to see the ugly parts of this again... I wish I could have it both ways. As far as self help goes, I am part of an eating disorders forum and it helps A TON! but i feel like even they would be less tollerant of weight loss.... maybe thats a red flag? All I know is I'm trying... maybe I do need professional help. It seems I always get worse at the WORST possible times in life...like I have so much going on other than this. I feel like I don't have time for help. Lesigh. I'll probabbly get it eventually. I plan on utilizing any therapy they have for students in college.
Yeah, people don't accept what they can't understand...especially when they don't feel the negative side of it. Anorexia is so much more than starving yourself. Family and friends mean well, but I feel like I can't confide because they justs won't understand or will over react. And face it, its not their problem... atleast not right now. And I've put them through enough **** already. Its sad, but its the truth.
I used to self harm at that awkward 12/13 year old age. So glad I stopped that. What a nasty habbit. I still get urges sometime for whatever reason... I guess the pain releases some kind of chemicals or something.... I find pot releases those same chemicals lol. Don't do it a lot, but I will NOT scar my body ever again...
Yeah, as much as I want to lose weight... I probabbly won't be happy at a lower weight but again.... I'm thinking along the lines of like "if i get to that low weight than I know its defenetlly a body image issue" or something. Honestly, there has to be something deepper going on to drive me to relapse. A lot of changes, good ones, are happening right now... and kind of a lot of unsureness "pushed from the nest" feeling. Feeligns of lonliness...fear of regection and being left in the dust. All that... normal teenagery stuff. I guess this is my coping skill. But i dont know. Its so easy to let those weight loss surface thoughts take over rather than consider the real stuff.
Doctors...ugh. I've had a lot of chronic problems like headaches, fatigue, and the sort.... they never seem to find whats wrong and I've honesrtly wasted hours to be told its all in my head. I mean... I don't care if I have to see one or whatever its just like. For this kind of thing a doctor can't help you unless you want to help you. I kind of need a therapist I think.
My diet and excersise is honestly what I consider disordered right now. Somedays, like this holiday weekend I eat a ton, followed by days where I eat like 500 calories or less. I don't throw anything up, well not more than a few times I month... Like I did yesterday morning. Umm I don't really excersise, but we just opened the pool and I did swim laps today. I also am going to start running again. i have tons of spare time. but yeahh you get the picture
as far as what kind of food I eat, i just eat whatever...lots of processed food. When i move out I'll have more control over exactly what I eat so its all good...
Last edited by catostrophix; 05-30-2011 at 06:39 PM.
I plan on utilizing any therapy they have for students in college.
If you hadn't said this yourself, I would have suggested it. Most colleges that I know of have at least some free counseling services available, and I'm quite sure that eating disorders would be a common issue that they deal with. Colleges these days are generally very good about helping with/awareness of mental health/wellbeing issues. So please do check into this, and if you ever find yourself with any other difficulties, even if they seem small to you, avail yourself of those services. You're no doubt paying for them in fees, after all.
Quick answer as I'm having rather a week of it myself, but yep, I'd agree that's a red flag. Do you feel up to being brave and talking about it with the ED forum?
I'm thinking along the lines of like "if i get to that low weight than I know its defenetlly a body image issue" or something.
Nah, I think you know that it's a body image issue now. Could you maybe find a form of exercise which is good for toning but unlikely to cause anything much in the way of weight loss? Yoga, Pilates, something like that? Would that be a psychologically healthy approach for you? Certainly don't overdo the exercise, you're trying to get shapely and firm here, not underweight.
It also sounds entirely normal for this to bubble up if you're going through a lot of changes in your life, even good ones, especially since it's been going on since childhood.
I gather that your current diet is on the better end of what you've experienced, but yep, that would definitely sound disordered to me, and hey, at least you're trying to catch it early. I forgot to mention, the "Chicks in Control" forum may also be useful, I think there's a lot about bingeing and bulimia in there. Since it's one of those things which is really hard to understand unless you've been there, and since I've not actually been there, I can only make wild guesses! But yeah, healthy people aren't making themselves vomit at any point.
I've been told that a craving for junk food is common with anorexia, something to do with the illness actually changing your taste buds or something, plus of course you don't have to think about food preparation. Maybe bring this up with someone who knows more about EDs? How do you feel about cooking, even if it's only the odd snack or breakfast?
Esophia, approaching a new form of excerise would be great for me physically and mentally. I've been meaning to join a gym, but I kind if need a job for that. I mean I can excsrsise at home, but I have to have extra money (im living off savings now) to really allow myself anything extra (graduation and senior expensese are...expensive lol). I'm considering joining planet fitness. I think working out in a social environment would kind of embrace the healt aspect of working out and remove that temptation to over do it or self punish. So yeah.... plus meditation helps me a TON. so maybe yoga would be good?
The craving junk food bit is off. I mean I've heard of it before and it DOES make sense that you;d crave carbs and fat after deproving yourself so long, but i never heard of the tastebuds changing. I mean... i used to like very weird things during the course of gaining weight... like I used to LOVEE cottege cheese which I hate now... and I would always always have eggs for dinner. So weird
When I'm starving myself...EVERYTHING has a scent and smells delicious. Like...stale bread is apptitizing to me when I;m starving. Its wild. And yeah, i hate cooking. I just suck at it lol. I like ready made things like sandwiches
Well done for your honesty castrophix - you Definitely don't need to lose weight - and the amount you have set yourself to lose is a little extreme, however I know that sometimes a relapse into eating disorders can be caused by being unhappy with yourself, and perhaps if you lose a little now then you'll avoid a complete relapse? I'm the same height as you and have been lots of different weights (I too suffered from eating disorders as a teen.) I'd say at our height try not to go under 118 - and even then don't strive for that weight if it's making you tired or sapping you of energy.
I think it's important to focus a lot of being healthy and getting the nutrients and calories your body needs, specially as you're studying at the moment.
Have rules of you try to lose weight, like 'I will not make myself feel dizzy, ill, wobbly' and 'If I am hungry I will eat something nutritious' - it's also important to eat if you're cold. When I was at my skinniest I was freezing all the time, even though I was living and working in The South of France at the time, and there was a massive heatwave. Eat for energy, and focus on things other than weightloss, for example foods which are good for your skin, like oily fish and leafy greens and whole grain bread and pasta and rice...
As for exercise, you don't have to have money, go for walks and runs and things, just don't over do it. I think you'll find that if you introduce vitamin rich foods into your diet and exercise a little (not to excess) then your weight will sort itself out (if it needs to) and your body will become whatever weight is right for it (although 128 is fine)
Sorry if I rambled.
I admire your bravery as I was scared to admit in my previous postings my own teenage anorexia, as I thought people would tell me I shouldn't be on here now, even though I am now recovered.
Anorexia, Weight Loss, and I
esophia 
