[kaplods]

Seeing my attitude as a choice rather than an outside force, I think really is what I'm talking about. It's not really the knowledge that some folks have it worse - because just that knowledge doesn't inherently make me feel good (and it shouldn't). After all, if I feel guilty for not realizing that I'm lucky, what kind of jerk feels happy that some people have it worse. Shouldn't that depress me further, knowing that the world sucks so bad that I'm supposed to feel lucky.

I realize that I have gone through that - where the thought that there are people suffering far worse than I am, got me thinking about their problems. So now I was just bitter for myself AND all those other people.

And I think that what recidivist said really hit home with me, what my change was. It wasn't in considering myself luckier than anyone else as much as generically considering myself lucky (despite the evidence I could have used to prove otherwise). I choose (more often than not, I still go through funks) to focus on what I CAN do and enjoy and try very hard not to let what I can't do depress me, because then I get robbed of joy two ways. In what I can't do, and in how I feel lousy about what I can't do. It's about choosing the best "Plan B" that I can.

It's not as easy to depress me as it once was. It took practice to see the good luck in some things. One I still can't wrap around is my autoimmune disease. It's left scar tissue on my lungs, has eaten a quarter-sized hole through my septum (and all the "known" autoimmune diseases that do that are lethal without treatment) and has caused periodic outbreaks of a hideous weepy, crusty impetigo like rash on my face (or as my husband so graphically puts it "face rot"). There's a lot of bad news in there, and part of it is good news. In autoimmune diseases for which there are no specific tests (unless it's known to be inherited and a parent has the disease - I'm adopted and have no medical information on bio family), then the disease is diagnosed based on the pattern of organ damage. So in essense, I probably have a disease that is lethal without treatment, but the side effects of treatment are so bad that I can't get treatment until there's proof of more severe ongoing organ damage to prove I really have the disease. So, I'm supposed to wait around for organ damaged because there's an outside chance that I might be in remission (lucky) or that I never had an autoimmune disease because I lied about never having snorted cocaine (a non-autoimmune cause of septal deterioration) never smoking (a non-autoimmune cause of lung scarring) and well I have no idea if there are nonautoimmune cause of face rot. I know, but doctors don't, that I didn't lie so I have to cling to the possibility that I might be in remission.

It doesn't feel like a gray cloud as much as the hot breath of some invisible dragon. That's the one that can really, really creep me out and make a good day terrible if I allow it. I don't know why, but knowing the name of the beast, would be easier, but it's not like I want to experience organ damage just to get a name (but there are times that I wish it, as crazy as that is).

I guess I just don't want that lousy dragon ruining my life. If I sit and think about what may happen or even what probably will happen, I lose out on enjoying today. Today has been a mildy bad fibro day. No correct that, this evening has been a mild flare. I had energy today, so I went out with hubby doing errands, and probably overdid it. My skin hurts. It's a mild flare so it doesn't feel like sunburn (a bad flare can feel like having been hit by a truck and having a full body sunburn on top of it, even with pain meds.) So this afternoon, I felt like my skin hurt and I just couldn't get warm enough, even though the apartment must have been warm (hubby had taken his shirt off, which usually is a sign that I've bumped the thermostat up too high trying to get warmer). The best I can explain it is like when you know you're coming down with a really terrible flu, but haven't gotten any severe symptoms (yet). So, I took a nap and turned on the electric blanket.


In many ways, I've become a much happier person the worse my life has gotten (friends, family, and aquaintences think I'm nuts, and I probably am). It's not that I was miserable when I took my health for granted - but I was on autopilot a lot. I was always working and saving or putting things on hold for "later." It wasn't that I was suffering at all, I just wasn't sucking much enjoyment out of life, because I assumed I'd have time for that later.

People get hit by proverbial busses every day. Even healthy, young lives can be cut short with accidental or unexpected death. I'm not saying we shouldn't plan for the future, but there's much to be said for seizing the day when you can.

In some sense, I think I'm trying to make up for lost time. It was very frustrating to know that I prepared so long for a life I may not (ok, probably will not) have. All the overtime and working on career and education development that was swept away in disability and resulting bankruptcy - even the education itself some days I feel robbed of (I have cognitive problems with the fibro - things that I took for granted like spelling ability and a near photographic memory are gone. It may be temporary or it could be early signs of something that causes senility - another unamed dragon, or perhaps the same one).

I'm not trying to draw pity - because I don't have any for myself. It's just amazing what a person can "get used to," and still enjoy life under. On my very worst days, I'm not much use to anyone, including myself, but I can't let that happen very often or I would have no life at all. I suppose I feel that I cannot afford bitterness. While completely natural and normal, I refuse to rob myself of joy. I still get bitter, depressed, and even angry but it's never prolonged. It's like I have an inner voice that says (ok, you've got twenty minutes, rant and rave all you want, but just for twenty minutes, then we've got to find something FUN to do).

Usually I take a lot less than 20 minutes, because I want to get on to that fun thing I've planned for myself. Sometimes I don't have enough energy for my plan B, so I have to go on to plan C or D, but I've not run out of alternatives yet (so far my worst case scenario plan isn't too terrible - crawling into bed with the heating blanket and a book or movie).

Don't feel guilty for feeling bitter, but don't let the dragon rob you of joy either.

[Justwant2Bhealthy]

Yes, no-one is glad that anyone else has to suffer; that's a given. They are not one and the same: my blessings don't negate my suffering, pain, or grief (NOR THEIRS). I still had to grieve the good health I no longer had; the good memory and the good eye sight; and the ability to walk well. I take nothing for granted anymore ... and I do stop and smell the roses!!!

I now see all the beauty in this world (and this is a huge blessing) in a much more magnified way: green is greener, blue is bluer, pink is more vivid. It's hard to explain but like KAPLODS says, I now enjoy life more. I believe (for me) that GOD showed me how to LIVE BETTER and MORE FULLY than ever before. I appreciate every little blessing and gift and benefit; I am more grateful; and more contented; and more satisfied with my life now. How amazing is that?

Why did it take illness for me to see life in such a positive way? I think it's like this ... YOU CAN ONLY SEE THE STARS WHEN IT'S DARK! In the light of day, they are hidden (when things are going well and easy); when things are a little tougher, the stars shine brighter!

As a matter of fact; I see other people's needs even more now. I see just how blessed I am; and how I can do something to help those who are less fortunate than me. It was like someone turned a light on in my mind. It's kinda like a reflection of opposites. It doesn't matter what it is; as long as it helps us to get through, to have hope, and then we can move on, and help others along the way.

Yes, there is a choice to be made: you can either stay stuck in the mire of self-pity and bitterness, or pick yourself up, dust yourself off; and move on to a bright, new future. Yes, it will be different, but it will be better ...

Just this morning a friend and I were discussing how so many people think that others have it so much easier or better than them; but the truth is they don't! This is the truth: Life IS Fair -- WE ALL HAVE TROUBLES!

Hence, this popular saying ~ Be a little bit kinder to everyone you meet today; because EVERYONE is fighting some kind of battle!