Hello I'm writting today on behalf of my wife. She is morbidly obese, but hasn't always been. She often tells me how she wishes she could lose weight, but makes no effort to do it.

I've tried everything I can think of to do. Plain talk doesn't work because she refuses to talk about her situation. I've read so many books about the subject, hoping for her to ask me if I knew how to go about it. I even gained a few pounds to see if she would like to lose weight together.

She takes every approach as an insult, even an innocent one. If I slip up and say something that could in any way be construed to be a reference to her weight she starts a cycle I'm all too familiar with. First she cries, then she stops talking to me, then she starts yelling at me for making her feel bad about being fat.

In the last couple months I've noticed the things she says have been suicidal when she's upset. She refuses to see a counselor about it and refuses to talk about it with me. As far as I'm aware of she doesn't talk to anyone about it. She prefers to keep things to herself and suffer through. She also refuses to see a doctor about anything medical because of what the doctor will say about her weight.

Anyways, I'm at my wits end. What can I do for her if she refuses any help of any kind that I offer or try to get for her? I think that given enough time she will kill herself. I also think that if she wasn't overweight she would be happier, she was a very happy person when she wasn't overweight. I tell her I want her to be happy with herself and she should do whatever it is that will let her be that, but she doesn't do or change anything. I've been as supportive and neutral as possible and it's not working. I'm sure she knows she has to lose weight because she's just not healthy now and there's no way someone couldn't know that, but she just won't do anything to help herself.

I am so sorry!! I know how hard it is to be overweight!! I also lost my father to suicide! It really sounds like she needs some kind of help! Ususally when people refuse help like that she is really crying out for it!! I hope somehow you can get her some help before it really is to late!

Good Luck to you and your wife!!

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's problems. But I think it's wonderful that you are concerned and want to help her.

Could she be suffering from clinical depression? This involves a chemical imbalance and can be fairly easily treated with medications such as Zoloft. If she doesn't want to see a doctor about her weight, do you think she might see one if you approached it as clinical depression instead?

A lot of our members have been through this, including myself. I took Zoloft for a short period of time and it helped. My doctor also advised me that regular exercise, such as walking, has also been shown to improve depression since it stimulates production of seratonin in the brain. This worked wonders for myself and other members.

Would she be willing to take walks with you? I don't know where you live, but do you have parks you can visit where you can take walks, and perhaps a picnic?

I know that the most important thing whether she will admit it or not is your support. She needs to know that no matter what you love her. The things you are saying really do sound like clinical depression. Another thing that helps is actually just getting her out in the sun. The sunshine can increase the melatonin in your blood stream which changes to seratonin when it hits the brain. I hope that once she starts feeling a little better that maybe she can get the other help she needs. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we will agree to do something to change our lives.

Find a counselor. Go (even if she does not go with you). Find out what resources are available in your community. Find out how you can get emergency crisis intervention if you need it.

I'm sorry to hear about this. Does depression run in her family? does anyone else have it that you could talk to? Would your wife talk to a friend who has depression, a neighbor, some one from church? it might be a start.

Sounds like she is embarassed to admit she has a problem?.... I know I was in the beginning. It took years before I went to my doctor but once I did man, the world was lifted off my shoulders.

I agree with Suzanne, if she has an imbalance than all it might take is some medication to help her to feel good again. I say do what you can to get her to a doctor.....tell her you love her and don't want to lose her...and this is very serious. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to mess, take every word seriously.

Its a vicious cycle, the more you eat the more you get depressed and the more you get depressed the more you eat.

Please keep in touch and let us know how she and you are doing.

GOOD LUCK !!!!!

DITTO!

I agree emphatically! If you believe that your wife is suicidal PLEASE talk to her. Ask her if she has considered suicide. If she says "yes", ask her if she has thought about any specific plans---when, how, where to commit suicide. If the answer is "yes" it is imperative that you get her some help immediately. You can always call her regular physician and discuss it with him/her. If she doesn't have a regular doctor, or a psychiatrist, you can always bring her to an ER. An emergency room physician can issue a Physician Emergency Certificate (PEC) ---this is an involuntary hospitalization for psychiatric evaluation and is usually good for 72 hours. This is used when someone is suicidal and refuses to get help. It is used only when the physician feels that a patient is a threat to themselves or others.
Hopefully you will never need such drastic measures.
Another thing you can possibly do is call a suicide prevention hotline. They should be able to give you more information and resources. 1-800-suicide
or http://www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/suicideprevention/

http://www.hopeline.com/

I hope these help you find information and resources. Please PM me if you have questions and I"ll try my best to help you find answers.


Your wife is fortunate to have you!

In my experience, the weight is the symptom of the disease not the disease that causes depression as a symptom. Even is she were equipped to lose the weight, the cause of the depression would still be there. The disease has to be treated first. Ignore the weight and work on the spirit.

To answer some of the questions:

Yes, I've tried to get her out and to go for walks, but she will say she's too tired because of work. On her days off she will say she wants to relax or something like that.

I didn't mention it before, but she has tried to commit suicide before. I ended up seeing a counselor because she refused to go herself.

Depression doesn't run in her family, but her family is to say the least, not supportive of her, especially after she gained weight.

She doesn't talk about it with her friends.

I do think it's a cycle. She eats when she's upset and then gets upset about her weight. I just wish I knew how to break it. Outside help is out of the question, the only thing that would get her there is force, or the law. She just won't accept that she needs help.

I'm getting to the point of leaving her if she doesn't do something, but I know that would only make things worse so it's only a passing thought, but living with her ups and downs are wearing on me.

Your in the right place....were she should be! Were here for support and answers and questions and venting and help, but until she is willing to help herself your going to have a rough go at this. If you make suggestions she wil resent it..I have been there done that. Until she is ready to get help or help herself having a loving, caring and supportive husband is the best thing she can have right now. If your going for walks and eating healthy maybe she will eventaully join you. Show her this site...let her read previous posts...success stories. I know for me that is very helpful!!

Ummmm............ hells yes.

I gained probably 150lbs over the years grand total while depressed and couldn't work on losing weight until my depression/anxiety issues had gone into remission.

concerned husband...

I agree I think it might be best for you to go to speak to someone on your own and ask for their medical assistance. If you have tried everything possible, then before you get to the end and decide you cannot take it anymore, just try some way to find an intervention. it does sound like it might be her only hope at this point. If you find a way to force help upon her (as much as you'd rather her be willing) it may be her salvation.

I can tell by your posts that you are worried and love her dearly. But sometimes you do need outside assistance even if she does not want to have it. Since she has done this before, it is a sign she could try again.

Our thoughts are with you and your wife. You can get through this, just try to stay strong.

As soon as she starts making noise about suicide it is time to get intervention. Depending on the state you are in it can vary in its effectiveness, but it should be attempted regardless. My husband has done this to me in the past. I am manic depressive - I have attempted suicide three times in my life. Even in Texas, which is one of the worst states for forced committment, he was able to get me assistance through an emergency room.

I would speak to a psychiatrist of a licensed social worker to determine what your legal position is in your state - then act on it.

You can only do the best you can do. I know what I have put my husband through in our 16 years of marriage - and then on top of dealing with me our oldest son developed manic depression.

Taking the unpopular stance, I will say that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. Consequently, someone who is suicidal is only going to be helped if they want to be helped. Once you have done all you can do, legally, morally and emotionally, sometimes you have to decide how far you are willing to take your own life down that road.

I agree 100 % with everything said here. Get help! Even if she gets mad at you, do it anyway! I also completely agree with CJ, Suicide is very, very selfish and once they are in that "State of mind" there is no changing it. That is why you desperately need outside help.

I know its not easy, but you have come to the right place, lots of great people and support here.