Oh Concernedhusband... my heart breaks for you.

You've received much wisdom here, in these ladies' posts. My son (now 23) and my husband have both been suicidal. We took the hardest stance we've ever taken with our son and had him admitted. We phoned the dr ahead of time and found out what we legally needed to do (he was legally an adult when this happened.)

I had many private conversations with hub's dr... and because i was able to convince hub to see dr, we were able to take a different route.

Now we are dealing with our daughter... more depression... (we are living testament to depression running in families). She has just turned 18 and is now legally an adult in our province, but 6 months ago, we dragged her up to the hospital for psychiatric eval after a phone convo with our family dr....

Hard stances? yes indeed... but the bigger picture was harder to face.

I think THE most important thing you can do is... find someone for yourself to see... no matter what decision you end up making, you are going to need some support yourself. We can't help others if we are not well ourselves. This may sound selfish, but it is the truth.

Good luck to you... please keep us posted as to how all of you make out. My heart and prayers are with you.

Despite my depression over my weight, I have never wanted to hurt myself. I know some that have. It is embarrassing and doctors can make you feel belittled. They may not mean to do it, but it is how it feels. Many women don't receive proper attention from there doctors and are left feeling it is their fault. There are so many medical conditions out there that can cause a person to be over weight. Many people don't know that your thyroid contributes to your emotions. I didn't, until my best friend of 20 years was diagnosed with a thyroid condition. She was told she may be bipolar by one doctor. (Note: she is under weight...) Turns out most of it was because of her unbalanced or untreated thyroid. Then my stepfather was diagnosed with a thyroid condition...struggled his entire life with weight. Now that his medication and treatment are under control his weight is more manageable and his emotions are better.

Additionally, I agree with everyone else. You need to see a counselor yourself. They will help to guide you in the right direction. As her spouse, you are able to have her committed for evaluation, pending physician approval.

Weight and emotional wellbeing go hand in hand. I am so happy I found this site. I read some of the posting and honestly, they bring tears to my eyes. I am not happy people feel so badly. It is more of a relief that I found a way to communicate with people that are suffering as I am. I don't feel so alone and misunderstood. If your wife could find the same kind of support, I honestly feel it would benefit her.

like everyone else has said, she will not be helped unless she wants to be: with her wieght, her attitude or her will to die. If she states that she is suicidal the correct response is to get her to a doc or an emergency room OR call 911. In most states the police will come and do a "safety check" to check on someone's mental health. If they determine that she is not safe, they will get her to someone who can help and who can keep her physically safe (probably the ER or a short term psych ward). From there, they will determine what to do with her as far as helping her in the long term (Sending her to a long term facility, reccommending she go home but have regular visits to mental health professionals, etc).
I, too, used to go through the cycle of "get upset, eat, get upset about weight, get depressed, not feel like doing anything, rinse, repeat" It didn't stop until my self esteem had improved. Despite that she was a happy person when thin, i think that something else is the cause of the depression and the weight is an aggravating symptom.
I think you going to counseling is a good idea as well because a therapist is someone who can give your perpesctive on your relationship and who can help you be realistic about things. One of the therapists who works in my office always says that the lie about people like this is that we can help them and the lie is also that we can't help them. Early intervention can actually help someone who is suicidal BUT she won't be helped if she doesn't want to. If she really and truly does not want help, you could intervene appropriatley and she could lie to you, say everything was fine, lie to the cops, the er, etc. and then go and kill herself anyways. I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm saying this to say that a therapist can help you sort out this perspective and help you keep a clear head in what is a very emotional and, potentially, very messy situation. (sorry if i sound a little non-chalant about death, I work with clients who are suicidal on a regular basis).

hi
first off.. weight is just the symptom.. I think your wife is depressed first and the weight is secondary.
Your wife isn't thinking clearly, most depressed people don't. I have been there and I take medication daily. Depression is a disease, my advice is to seek councling yourself to help her.
good luck and keep us posted...

One thing...suicide issue needs to be addressed...no question.

Telling someone they need to lose weight repeatedly needs to be dropped. The more my father pushed, the more I ate. It wasn't until I left his house that I felt liberated enough to take care of myself. I did it for me, not him. Telling someone they need to lose weight (even subtly) repeatedly may begin as concern, but it becomes patronizing to the person who has to hear it. Let that go for now. Work on finding resources for her, making her feel better no matter what, and she probably does need clinical help. Unfortunately you can't make it happen. You can do some aggressive things and hope it works, but in the end a person will only take care of their lives when they are ready to.

it sounds to me like she is bringing up the fact that she's upset about her weight and he's suggesting things to try to help her. It is in human nature to try to fix problems. Sometimes, that's not always the best response. I think that in this case, it could be making her feel patronized, etc. I think your idea of him not discussing it at all, could be a good idea for now. If she says "I'm so ugly, i'm fat" just say "if there's anything i can do to help let me know," and leave it at that. I think minimal response or non-response could actually be very helpful in this situation. This doesn't mean don't repsond to her, but watch your responses specifically to weight related complaints. IF she says "i'm fat, i'm ugly, I want to die" well... lets just say there are ways to intervene for suicide, but i'm not certified to train anyone in how to handle it, so I shouldn't be dispencing advice on a board. Ask your counselor how to handle a suicidal person. Anyways, the point is address the suicidal ideation and not the weight, the dog or whatever it is that's causing it. Everyone has probalems with their weight, thier marriage, their dog, etc., but everyone does not turn to suicide as an answer. So the problem at that point is not the weight, it's the depression and suicidal ideation. If you're not sure what to do, call 911.

I am sorry to hear that your wife is that depressed... You are a good man by being this supportive, and even gaining some wieght to try to motivate her!!! I would recommend that you both search medical resources to find a doctor that specializes in morbid obesity. These doctors are not rude about the wieght issue and they are supportive and offer many things. Your wife may also be too embarrassed to do anything about her wieght. Maybe she is afraid of what people will say to her (it may have happened to her already, and she has not told you) if she makes a move towards the loss, an example being, someone would call her "fat ***" while jogging or walking outside, even at the gym. It has happened to me, and those kinds of comments are enough to put anyone on the edge, especially if she seems depressed. You should also maybe see a marriage counsler, someone who can help ecourage the communication between you both, and on the side, have your wife see her own counsler...It sounds like a bit much, but it may help, and it's worth the shot