Hello,
I'm not sure if anyone recalls, but I used to post in this thread earlier this year. I have been going through a pretty bad depression for quite some time and it has been worse this year than it has ever been. So I just kept to myself
I always worry about dragging others down and feeling like my problems aren't "bad enough" to share with anyone in the world.
I'm really wanting to get better and really struggling. I hope its ok that I rejoin the group.
Tomorrow I go see my doctor to get a prescription that I rejected earlier this year. I didn't think I needed it and felt on and off that I wasn't really depressed.
Anyway I'm now thinking that is the way forward for me. I've meditated and journaled and tried distracting activities and things are still worse than ever. My brighter moments are dimmer than ever.
Some facts about me - I am married to a wonderful, supportive man. We do not have children. I'm currently working a very stressful job that can be somewhat toxic at times. I'm trying to balance my feelings regarding this with the fact that I've been having really obsessive thoughts. So maybe it's not as bad as I think ? Nonetheless I started job searching a couple of months ago and then stopped. I don't feel great about myself so it is hard to sell myself. I am also a long term weight maintainer who has now packed on 30 pounds this summer
Nothing fits except a few new pieces and I feel awful
Right now I'm having a hard time planning for the holidays. I'm a huge introvert and simply do not do visiting tons of people and travelling from here to there during the holidays. It's come to light from the one family member on my side that I would visit that she didn't like our visits and that she wanted to take a break from it. I was OK at the time. A little puzzled since we are very relaxed people when it comes to the holidays ad would visit for 3 hours tops, at the day and time of her convenience. Driving through bad weather for quite a distance with presents in hands and smiles on our faces. But last night I got all these obsessive thoughts reflecting back on the conversation. I felt hurt because I mostly visited her out of obligation (like I said I am a huge introvert and would prefer to stay home) and now I'm being told that my visits are stressful. But yes please bring your presents on Boxing Day, apparently. Which isn't going to happen. We have two days to play around with and my husbands family is meeting then. By process of elimination she won't be getting a Christmas visit by choice. I am perfectly happy not going anywhere for the holidays. I've done it in the past at her request. There were other things too that I rumenated about last night from this very conversation that took place weeks ago and that initially I was fine with. I am definitely feeling a little crazy today and hope that my encounter with my doctor goes well.
well at least it counts as my exercise for the day! and I'm glad that physically I can do it. 
I was only able to get an appointment tomorrow. However I guess it is a step in the right direction. I know it takes time to kick in but I hope it helps me so I'm able to heal. I read recently in a book by a clinical psychologist that sometimes taking SSRI's even for a couple of months help the brain so it can heal. 
Arrrrrgh!!!
I came here a week ago and started personals. Hit one button that deleted most of my post and I had to log out. Then, I just came back and typed an incredibly long post with personals and all that's been happening with me, and when I went to preview my post, the freakin' screen went blank and I couldn't get my post back! 
