Kathleen, I'm soo sorry! You're very lucky to have such a loving support network of family and friends. You keep them close and stay strong! Just a bump in the road, girlie, a bump in the road. Not a little bump though, so you hold on tight!

You be sure to discuss all your supplements with your oncologist. And get plenty of regular sleep in a pitch-dark room. Hang on to that chipper attitude we all love so much, and keep working on the fitness and weight loss. It's more important now.

One step at a time.

Hello peeps,

I am so sorry I abandoned you but I am back now. So much has been going on here.


For several weeks, I was so sick with anxiety. I had to drop out of school. I might try and go back, I'm not giving up. I just need some time to get my **** together.

It has been so cold here. Today it is -1 out and that is before the windchill.

I gave up Mountain Dew finally. I have been off of it for 2 weeks now. I have NOT gone cold turkey as I would have been so sick with withdrawals, I have been drinking some pepsi in it's place. I can't take the headaches from going cold turkey. I want you to know that I am not drinking much pepsi. I'd like to wean myself off of it too, eventually. I only have pepsi twice a day, in the morning and in the afternoon.

I tried my scrub pants on this morning and I "THINK" they are looser on me. I'm not sure but they went on easier. I hope so, I need to lose some weight.

Again, I'm sorry I disappeared. I was just so down, I wasn't up to posting.

Much love to all.

Lisa— I'm so glad to see you back! Too bad about your anxiety and the school stuff, but at least you know where you are and have started on the getting-better part. By giving up Mountain Dew! Good for you! Caffeinated diet soda has been my drug of choice ever since Tab came out, but I kicked *** last fall and gave up the aspartame: I have coffee with cream & stevia in the morning now, but no caffeine past noon. And I drink seltzer—gotta have those bubbles!

As for myself, well, I'm distinctly grumpy—that's a -1 on my mood scale—but otherwise fine. In the DC area, a mere 5 inches of snow is enough to paralyze the city and close schools and other worthy places, such as the mindfulness clinic where I meet with Mike, my Qigong instructor. =sigh=

As my 60th birthday draws near (it's Sunday, the 22nd) I have things to do in my studio to make room for my big birthday present (more on that later). Grace is coming on Friday and will help me sort clippings, but her contribution will be much more useful if I do some sorting myself to figure out what I've got and why I decided to clip it. Plus Bob needs room to get in there and measure the space, since he's going to make a table for all the new goodies to live on.

I'm in a complete muddle these days about food—still in the pattern where I'll be on plan for a day or two, then off plan for a tiny binge on sweets, then back on plan. I've always been sensitive to big-number dates, be they birthdays, anniversaries, whatever. I think of 60 as a threshold number. I've completed one long passage in my life so far, and am very curious about what the next phase will be like.

I have this fantasy that various members of Bob's extended family will show up on Sunday, hand me a dessert they've prepared (a chocolate mousse would be nice) and say, "Oh no, I can't come in. I have things to do and besides, I don't want to intrude on your privacy today. Happy Birthday!" The trouble with that scenario is that the people I have in mind don't know what day my birthday is, let alone that it's my 60th. And then there's the problem of what would happen if I tried to organize a little dessert party: people would bring cakes (or cupcakes) and ice cream. I can't stand cake, and have never been on speaking terms with ice cream because it makes my teeth hurt. I love desserts, by all means, I just can't cope with ice cream and cake. Am I brave enough to make a few phone calls and assemble a cake-free and ice-cream-free gathering? Do I have enough emotional capital in this family—mostly through my relationship with Grace—that people would bestir themselves for such an occasion? I don't know.

You may have noticed that "I'm on a weight-loss diet" didn't even show up as a consideration. It's just not relevant. On Monday the 23rd I will wake up a new woman, and the first thing that new woman will want to do is organize a full-force attack on this flab that hangs so unattractively all over me. But before that happens there will be champagne (French, I hope) and really dark chocolate and perhaps other yummy things.

At least I am doing my leg exercises—600 leg lifts a night, just one leg a night to give the other one a chance to rest in between. I made it up myself. Its main virtue is in my quads, which handle stairs more nimbly and spare my knees in the process. I still need to start walking, but my agoraphobia, while not as fierce as Bob's, is still a major issue. Ah well...

Hello Fi, Hello everyone,


I don't have much to say, not much going on here except work. I had 3 clients today, that is 6 hours of work which is a lot for me.


Fi, I just had to give up Mountain Dew. I was just getting bigger and bigger and it had to be the pop. I don't eat all that much. I have no idea how much I weigh though, I have no scale in my house.


I am supposed to have a quiet day tomorrow but we'll see. You know how it is. Just when you think it's going to be a quiet day, something happens.


It's really great to be back. Much love to you all.

****thinking of Kathleen!*****

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Hi everyone

Fi - sorry that the snow messed with your appointment. Real sorry that members of the family won't know/remember your birthday, we will be sure to give you a big b-day greeting this Sunday.

Lisa - hi!! so good to hear from you. Congrats on giving up something that is difficult, but causing you gain. Yay! Hope your job isn't tiring you out too much. And SUPER YAY for looser scrub pants!

HI to everyone else! Lira, Invinceable1, flower124, thewickedcity, nicola, Aunty Jam, EasySpirit, penmage!

Hey...yesterday I managed to stay on plan (eating-wise) for 24 hours!! One day!! I haven't been able to do that since...like last April Maybe ,just maybe, my mindset is finally where it should be. And all the Christmas cookies are gone from the freezer Wish me luck with today because that's the kind of help I need, one day at a time! Heck, one MEAL at a time.

...moment of reaching out to Kathleen, of sending my best healing vibrations in her direction...
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I seem to be following a "fake it until you make it" approach these days, at least until Monday morning, when my 60th birthday treats (e.g., dark chocolate) will be gone. I plan to stop eating the occasional large cookie and will recommit to the diet. I'm anxious about the next few days, and I don't really understand why. What is 60 that makes it so different from 59?

I also have plenty to think about—with this threshold event of turning 60—that is not food-related. Like my collage art... because my Muse is talking to me a lot about issues like how to incorporate acrylic paint in my art, how to have more discipline and spend more time in my studio, how to convert my 6" x 9" postcard approach (I have made somewhere around 220 of those) into a larger, more durable, format, and so on.

Anyway, yesterday and today have been on plan so far, the most important part of which is the leg exercises I do every night to support my aching knees. It's hard work to resume an exercise plan after a lapse of several weeks! My legs are stronger already, but now my thighs and calves are aching, too. C'est la vie...

Thank you so much, Holly and Fi for your awesome message toppers!!! Lisa, it is SO wonderful to finally hear from you again! Sorry you were so sick with anxiety and depression for several weeks. Did you ever get more Klonopin? If so, has it helped? Did you get any help from your doctor or physician's assistant while going through such a difficult time? I hope someone is working to help you! You are so right about how bitter COLD it has been here in Ohio! My kids had 3 days off school this past week due to the extremely cold temps! Of course, they LOVED it!!! HOORAY for YOU for giving up Mountain Dew and for looser scrub pants!

EasySpirit, lira, penmage, & Invincible1: Thank you all for your messages of support and prayers and encouragement! I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and concern!


UPDATE ON ME: Per the MRI, lymph nodes and right breast appear to be negative for cancer. Thank God!!! Still won't be positive about lymph nodes until the surgery. Tumor in left breast is 3.8 cm, which is longer than I am comfortable with. They also found extension of pre-invasive cancer out toward nipple of left breast as well as several other masses in left breast that appear to be benign (but not sure). Stage at this point is 2A. Please keep praying for me and my family! Surgery date to be set soon. Going for a 2nd opinion on Tuesday morning at The James Cancer Hospital, but will most likely stay with my current team of docs at Ohio Health. My surgical oncologist is recommending a mastectomy of the left breast, which I had already planned on. I need to let the reconstruction surgeon know by Monday if I also want to have the right breast removed (for prevention of another cancer developing there ~ and need for right mastectomy ~ at a later date). BIG decision!!! Regardless, I plan to have immediate reconstruction done after the mastectomy (same surgery). Depending on the pathology report (which we will get 3-4 days after surgery), they might recommend radiation +/or chemo along with hormonal therapy (i.e., Tamoxifen) for 5 years or more. The Tamoxifen cuts chance of recurrence in half!


Please keep the prayers coming my way!!! I am truly uplifted and encouraged by ALL of the messages of support I have received from people all over the world!!! Even complete strangers are praying for me!!!

Waving HELLO to all of you and wishing you well!!! Let's all meet here on Sunday afternoon or early evening for a BIG VIRTUAL PARTY for FI!!!

happy 60th birthday to Fi..! Wishing you happiness & all the best in life. This is your day! Enjoy!

to Kathleen : my thoughts are with you..be strong,positive & always keep us updated

VermontMom : hello! wishing you and everyone here a good weekend.

i'm cleaning my house today. i've been putting off cleaning for too long. so no TV for me today until cleaning is done!
will be back to update you with my cleaning results

Fi, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I am 62; the only difference between 59 and 60 is the SENIOR DISCOUNTS! MY YMCA membership went down 25% ! ! I get 5% off at my local grocery store on Tuesdays, and get the senior price on movie tickets, etc.

ENJOY YOUR DAY ! ! !

******Positive, loving, healing thought to Kathleen! *******

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Happy Birthday to Fi! <----dark chocolate in gift box )

Hope you have a wonderful day Fi!

Hi to everyone!

Lira - yay for your decision and determination to clean your house today!! do check back with us when you are finished

Kathleen - so sorry to hear about your dad!!! All my wishes that he will be okay. Bless him for reaching 85 and having a family that cares about him so much. Yeah girl you could do with LESS going on with your life! And thank you for getting us up to speed on your schedule of your winning fight against this scary diagnosis. We love you and are praying for you!

Hi EasySpirit! I actually had no idea of your numerical age from reading what you post here. Age-less chicks we are I hope you have a good day today!

Hi to Lisa, Invinceable1, penmage!

Just another day of at work for me, I have no weekends well Wednesday and Thursday are my weekends. We had MORE snow last night, our driveway is like a canyon and it is getting harder and harder to shovel/throw the snow up that high.

I feel a little bad for a new co-worker, she is young (21) and just such a little senseless dipsh*t but well-meaning; however now SHE is the target of the stupid things my boss does ( I was the target previously, but now with her here I am elevated to golden status )

I am glad he is leaving me alone, but she really does make herself a target by talking all the time, standing around doing nothing and talking while I find a busywork task, you know. OH jeez just about 7 more weeks to endure.

I had ONE GOOD DAY of eating on plan, then did terrible yesterday. But I am still proud of my physical strength. Sure wish I could get my act together

Kathleen, stay strong lady. We love you so much!!!!! Prayers for you.

Fi, hope you had a wonderful birthday!!!!


I am not feeling so hot today, really down here. just turned on a SAD light for about 20 minutes. I found myself very down today. I really did not want to go to work today, in fact, job #2, I called in. I am supposed to have tomorrow off, we'll see. I really need it.

Now more about the SAD light, it is a small one. I borrowed it from one of my crochet ladies who has since passed away. I have no one to return it to. Today was the first time I have pulled it out, although, I could have used it before now.

Jennifer comes home this weekend for spring break. yay!!!


Say some prayers for me, I guess I always need them but especially now.

Lisa: Thank you for your kind words and prayers! I am very sorry that you are feeling so down. I hope the SAD light helps to improve your mood. It sounds like it is meant to be yours. Have you tried a gratitude journal ~ where you list 3-5 things each night that you are grateful for? Even the smallest things help to remind you of what you DO have going right in your life and help to focus your energy on the positive. Not sure if you even have the energy to do that, but it always helps me. This bitter cold weather in Ohio is really getting old! Maybe when the weather breaks, you could try to get outside for just a short walk and some REAL sunshine! I resist it but when I do manage to get outdoors, it helps my outlook on life. Just a few suggestions. I wish I could help you feel better, but please be assured of my prayers. And know that you are not alone! We all care about you and want you to feel well. Glad to hear that Jennifer is coming home for spring break this weekend! Hope her presence will help to perk you up! Sending you a big hug!