I am so sorry not to have time to address each of you wonderful chicks personally this morning..just it is so wonderful to communicate with you all

I MUST give a hurrah to CDubs (chelsea?) I am SO impressed that you are able to raise, then humanely butcher your meat, after honoring and loving them. I have always felt like a hypocrite (there's that guilt, haha) by just buying meat all cleanly wrapped up in the store..feeling guilt on how those animals were possibly treated but all I do is purchase..you are a true being of the Earth that you do that!

that is all for now but I hope all of you can have a good day with minimal if any bad feelings

(let's BANISH that stinkin' thinking!!! : devil: )

hi everyone' thanks for posting your thoughts and well-wishes. you are all so supportive, yet you need so much support.

i read all of your posts, carefully, and i pay each word the respect it deserves. although i can't always find the time to go back through and post individually, i do think of everything you lovely people have said!

now having said that i want to tell you that i have a rule. i learned it from a friend years ago and i have never forgotten it and i think of it often:

NEVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN.

got it?

ok then

i have lost another 100 grams..i think i need to buy a pretty dress for xmas day if i can find one, tomorrow.

and i will remember the rule when iu am trying on dresses!

yes, i love my pets. they are my children now . now that my real children have grown and are living their own lives. i miss them so much - they are in another city and i don't see them very often unfortunately. i think i will need to go over again soon. like now!

but i will have to let them know that i have no money to give them. one always wants...the other never wants, i just want to give!

haha

i soo want to go now that i have started to talk about it grrr

i can't afford it though. oh well, what can i do? nothing, really. not since i cut up my credit cards and closed those accounts…the best thing because i can't be trusted around a credit card! lol

ber happy, you are allowed to choose it you know, until tomorrow friends, saraphin
xxx

I feel like I'm coming down with a cold or something, so just a short note tonight. I'm doing great diet-wise, and delighted to be free of emotional/compulsive eating. Comfort and joy, and good health to you all!

Fi: Way to go on 23 days binge-free!!! That is wonderful! Keep up the great work! I visited the Junonia website and ordered a few more workout shirts and a parka coat! Thanks again for the link!

Chelsea: Yes, you guessed it, I was raised Catholic! I am actually still a very strong practicing Catholic, but my entire notion of God and Catholicism is different/healthier now than when I was a child. I blame my parents, not Catholicism, for the guilt and shame that was passed on to me. Unfortunately, it is now my responsibility to continue to let go of the shame and guilt that piled up over a lifetime. I will get there! My husband and I share a very strong faith, which has been seriously tested during our lives together. Our strong faiths have seen us through many difficult times and ~ along with the suffering ~ we have also experienced some serious miracles along the way. We feel very blessed that our paths crossed and that we reinforced in one another the best of our Catholic faith. I could seriously write a book based on our experiences!

Holly: Thanks for checking in! Here's to banishing the stinkin' thinkin'...... once and for all!!!

saraphin: Congrats on losing 100 more grams! Good for you! And I love your rule to NEVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN!!! Thanks for sharing!

Trish, Becca, and sh1nk1ngme: How are you ladies? Please post and let us know!

Oooooo I had a really close call last night on the emotional eating front, but I managed to squeak through with my streak intact. What happened was, my husband Bob and I were talking as we were getting ready to go to bed, and something I was saying about how moderate exercise elevates one's mood got Bob all defensive (because his agoraphobia has him housebound these days) and he more or less bit my head off. Normally I would have protested and we'd have had a chance to clear the air, but right after Bob's outburst, he put his head on the pillow and promptly fell asleep! I mean, one second he was making me feel terrible, and the next second he was snoring.

So I went downstairs all in a storm of feeling treated unjustly (which, I should add, Bob rarely does). I was irritable anyway from feeling like I was coming down with a virus, so I was really mad. Anger, I have discovered in the past few months, is my biggest trigger for having an episode of emotional/compulsive/binge-type eating. And it's especially dangerous for me to get angry on a Friday or a Saturday night, when our local Starbucks drive-through window is open all night long. Even though it was like 2 o'clock in the morning, I could very easily have popped in my car and gone and binged on those big Starbucks oatmeal raisin cookies I love so much, with a vente-size caramel macchiato to boot! I swear, y'all, my right hand had already picked up the car keys before I caught myself. =whew=

So what I did first was to practice Kathryn Hansen's Brain Over Binge technique of separating yourself from the urge to overeat, where you view the urge as what she calls "neurological junk" from a lower part of your brain that you, the person in charge, choose to ignore—not fight, just ignore. That got my head considerably clearer and allowed me to put the car keys down.

And then I quietly and deliberately fixed myself a small serving (1/2 cup) of muesli. Yes, the same magic healing muesli that brought me out of my recent depression. This may sound silly, but it was like that little bit of carbs served as an escape valve for my overheated brain. I ate the muesli slowly, concentrating on every bite, then went to bed.

Now I'm not counting that small serving of muesli as emotional (binge) eating: rather, it was an emergency measure to help prevent emotional eating.

So that's my scary tale of rage running amok... =laugh= Oh, and the virus I thought I had seems to have disappeared.

fiona you are getting clever

i am in a bad way now the day is terrible so far. horrible kids running amok in the service centre, then the boy got my registration preferences wrong which caused me to have the wrong deal on my plates so it's completely stuffed up my xmas present fromDH. (don't ask) my breakfast muck spilt all over the table, the floor, oh gosh, it is not ending so far. i don't feel well.

then the traffic was awful, the mail cost me a fortune, i got hot and bothered. the i madec a huge mistake and rang my son.

well he is an alcoholic and his life is always a mess and has always been - he's 35. anyway he has hjad about 20 jobsb (really) in 18 months and it's never his fault thart he gets fired.

also it's never his fault anything that goes wrong, goes wrong.

also i always get sworn at. he swears at me rather badly every phone call anmd hangs up. the f… word. i upset him so i feel guilty.

it's always my fault for 'digginfg'. i try to help him because he tells me he is in trouble. but i get it wrong and he loses his temper over it. now this is my fault.

me thinks not.

but what can i do? it's AWAYS the same no matter WHAT i say to him, it's wrong. he doesn't show me any respect or love yet he tells me how much i mean to him.

i'm very upset right now.

saraphin

Not much going on here. Still chugging along. Saturday night I found myself wanting to eat out of boredom. I'm still not doing great with small regular meals. It's almost 1pm and still haven't eaten.

Heya! My name is Gwen and I spent a long time yesterday reading through this thread and looked at links people provided. First to Saraphin, I want you to know that I am so sorry your son treats you that way, it isn't fair and it isn't right. It must be heartbreaking to be blamed for what quite clearly is not your fault. He has a disease and he needs to take responsibility for it. It is like depression however, when it raises it's ugly head thinking gets distorted and twisted. I imagine there may be a place in your mind where you might wonder if what he says is true. It isn't! I used to blame my parents and it was incredibly selfish of me.

Anyhow I see a lot of super smart people on here, seems as if Fi reads three books an hour, lol! And Vermont mom/Cupcake I have been lurking here for over a year and I like your posts. There are many others, but my short term memory is lacking a bit due to my medications.

So I am almost 40, 5 years ago I had a career I loved, lots of friends, was married, with a nice house. That all came crashing down after I was assaulted by a "friend". Long story short, I went through a horrible trial, had PTSD, and lost everything. I became very depressed and anxious and shut everyone out. My ex was a functioning alcoholic prior to this so I suppose in a way I am in a better place. I took my pets and moved home and to this day live with my mom and am on disability. I am agoraphobic. My favorite hobby was reading and to this day I can't read because I am forgetful and have to read things repeatedly.

I am recovering, slowly, and trying to get the 86 pounds I gained since the assault off, at least most of it. Over two years I have lost 34 pounds, as you all know setbacks with depression/anxiety derails weight loss efforts. I've been prone to depression and panic attacks for most of my life, so the trauma really magnified this. My family (mom, dad, brother and his wife and their kids) are supportive and loving, but don't want to talk about my issues. I have no friends. I have a great psychologist and doctor. My disability is up for review and I have to go see some independent psych in a month and I am sick with anxiety. My money goes to paying for expensive meds and to pay my therapist.

So... Sorry for long winded intro, I take things day by day, am in school again for a new career (online) gah it is hard! Wishing everyone a better day.

Gwen: to our group! So happy that you found us and chose to post! I am so very sorry about your assault and resulting PTSD and upheaval in your life. Yes, unfortunately, our bodies show what we are dealing with on the inside, so our weight increases. Very common with cases of assault such as yours. I am also a trauma/assault survivor, so I can relate. It sure sounds like you are a SURVIVOR, though, so keep on keeping on! You did NOT deserve that and it wasn't your fault!!! Happy to hear that at least some of your family is supportive and loving. Isn't it interesting when our loved ones don't want to hear about our "issues?" I always think to myself, "Oh, I am so sorry you have to HEAR about it........ but I LIVED it!!!!!" I deal with some of that in my life, too. For the most part, my hubby and kids are very supportive, thank God!!! Thank you for your kinds words to saraphin! Great advice you gave!!!

saraphin: I just want to echo Gwen's sentiment that you certainly did NOT deserve to be treated so poorly by your son. You should have been able to reach out to a family member on a tough day and get support, not more BS!!! That must be irritating! I am glad that you came here and posted. Sorry I was not online last night to support you! Be strong with your son and practice good ol' tough love! He will ultimately benefit from that more than anything else. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and his life, as I'm sure you know. Hang in there and don't take any crap from anyone!!!

Fi: What a VICTORY you had when you resisted binge eating over the snapping from your hubby! My hubby is usually very loving and supportive, but will snap like that periodically, and it is so difficult not to take it personally. I have come a long way, but still find this situation so difficult. Good for you for going to what has worked for you in the recent past, the muesli, rather than that Starbucks cookie! Incredible that you successfully used the technique that you just learned from the book Brain Over Binge, too. You really took it to the next level by putting what you learned into practice at a crucial, trying time. That is some serious PROGRESS!!! YAY FOR YOU!!! A few days ago, you were talking about the hunger levels and said you normally range from -3 to 3, I think. Well, I have to admit that I usually eat until I am a 8-10 (or more), which is terrible!!! I get pain in my ribs lately from my stomach expanding and pushing on them, I think, when I overeat. It is very uncomfortable and embarrassing. I have not told anyone, including my hubby, about this (except all of you.....now). I feel it is just more evidence that I am addicted to food and overeating. So, I am making it my mission to at least STOP eating when I am at a 5, if not sooner! I need to trust that food will be available if and when I get hungry later; that I will be satisfied and that I've had enough once I have eaten a smaller portion of food. Anyway, thank you for sharing that with one of the other members of the group. It was a good reminder for me, too!

Trish: Thank you for checking in with us! It is always great to hear from you! Don't give up on yourself!!! Each new day ~ and even each new moment or meal ~ is another chance to get it right. The very first thing you need to do is to eat something within an hour of waking. Try to make that a priority. I know I keep repeating that, but it is so critical to your success with weight loss and getting your metabolism going in the morning! I really want you to succeed and I am cheering for you! GO TRISH!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

My family is just getting home now, so I must go for now. Hoping that everyone is doing well today! Waving hello to the rest of you! Please post soon and let us know how you are doing!

ibeieveinme2 thank you for you beautiful post. and gwen thank you for your supportive words. yesterday i wanted to be nurtured. i realised i forgot to take my med's yesterday morning. huge mistake.

and i haven't been eating until lunchtime lately . so i take your advice that was meant for someone else. sorry i'm stil not 'withit' yet to remember who said what and when exactly on this page even! i'm so dopey.

sorry lovely people. i'll tell you what though, as a group, you are so knowledgable and insightful, you help me every day. thank you thank you everyone on this forum

vermont mom, lilturtle, fiona you are all great friends to me. i must try and commit your avatars and post to memory. by the time i get to the foot of the page i have scroll through again to see who said what-when!

now we have gwen, another clever and helpful friend to welcome into our little group. i will get better, bear with me.

still losing yah!!!!!

here we are

Well, I'm discovering that I still have some learning to do about this whole muesli-for-depression thing. Last night, at 4 AM, I had another little episode of being angry (never mind what it was about), so once again, I had a measured serving of muesli to help myself deal with it. So far, so good. Then, come noon, after sleeping way late, I had the bright idea (right...) of skipping my noon serving of muesli, because, I figured, I'd already had my "potion" for the day. Sure enough, as the afternoon progressed, I got more & more down, until, about 4:30 PM, I was in genuine depression pain. All of a sudden (duh!), it occurred to me that there was a reason why I'd chosen noon as the time to eat my daily muesli: because of my diurnal pattern of feeling worse in the afternoons. So I got up and ate another 1/2 cup serving, and sure enough, about an hour later, the depression had gone away. I'm not going to make that mistake again!

I also noticed, in looking back over my daily mood tracking, that the sugar-containing muesli I had initially discovered was so helpful, was subtly, but more, effective than the non-sugar-added kind I've been eating in recent days. (Both kinds are Familia brand: mostly rolled oats, with just a few bits of dried fruit in them.) I don't really want to have the sugar-added kind available to me, since I tend to overeat it, wheareas I don't do that with the non-sugar kind. So tomorrow, I'm going to go get myself some raisins, so I can add a handful of those to my noon serving every day, and get more of an insulin pulse that way. If you're restricting your carbs, it's the insulin that supposedly helps one's mood (at least according to current theories), much more than the carbs per se.

Meanwhile, I have the issue of what would be the best way to deal with my anger episodes. I can get angry any time of day or night, depending on when there's a trigger for it. I think what I'm going to do is go back to an old dieting standby from the days when I lost 107 lb. on Jenny Craig: dates. I think a few dates, which I have no history of over-consuming, would be a more effective "emergency" sweet to have on hand for when I get angry, and that way I wouldn't have the muesli I need on a daily basis mixed up in my mind with what I need occasionally for when I get angry. Plus, a few dates are lower in calories than a serving of muesli, which I'm having with cream (because cream has almost no carbs).

I'll let you know how that goes. By the way, for those of you who are experimenting with letting your feelings hang out instead of stuffing them away with food, I highly recommend keeping a journal or some kind of tracking of your mood states, with notes on what foods you're craving or what foods you eat in response to those moods, and how those foods are or are not helpful. According to a book I've been reading—Robert E. Thayer's Calm Energy: How People Regulate Mood with Food and Exercise—the most common states people "medicate" with food are anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger, and depression. (I listed them in order of a mnemonic I made up: AL(L) BAD.)

There's lots of good stuff in Thayer's book, almost all from studies of human beings (not rats). One study I found especially interesting. We've all heard that moderate exercise elevates mood, right? Well they did surveys of people signing up for new gym memberships, asking them what were their reasons for joining the gym. It turns out that the people who had never had a gym membership before listed weight loss as their #1 reason, whereas people who had previous experience with using a gym listed mood regulation ("makes me feel better, improves my moods") as their #1 reason. Both groups also listed things like body shaping, fitness, overall health. Both groups included all sizes & shapes of people. Isn't that interesting, that the ones who had already tried out exercise were so much more aware of how it improved their moods?

ibelieveinme2 - thanks for the wonderful welcome! I am glad there are other survivors here. Thanks for making me feel at home . It has been a very slow recovery, I guess as one gets older it becomes harder to bounce back. I just ordered a safety whistle so I can feel more secure when taking my dog on walks in my immediate neighborhood. I am quite paranoid! It took me several years to go out on my own and I am not as consistent as I should be. Lol, I totally agree with your assessment about how family can be supportive but not supportive at the same time. I am extremely grateful my mom has opened her home to me, I know she has a tendency towards depression. We are quite the pair!

Saraphin - I am glad you are feeling a bit better today, and remembered your meds. I have so many darn meds it is hard for me to forget, sigh. However, when I do forget it doesn't take long for me to get wonky! I have horrible days as well, I am glad you had a chance to write to get it out.

Fiona - I love hearing about all the books you read! The reason for joining a gym thing is so true. When I manage to go it is with my dad (have to have a safety person with me when I go out so I don't panic). I used to be a gym rat primarily
to relieve stress in a very high stress work environment. So, now I go to elevate my mood. Another strange phenomenon I know all too well is when you stop exercising for two days or so it is all the harder to start again. I record my mood (just started a month ago) daily with a free website called Moodtracker. It is pretty cool, my therapist can see my daily check ins and it sends an email to remind me to log it. Even though it has only been a month I can see trends immediately. Your muesli experiment is also pretty cool, good for you!

Thanks, hope everyone has a restful evening!

Gwen

Some folks on another thread were commiserating about how frustrating time-of-the-month (TOM) is, because of the weight you gain. So I replied as follows...
________________________________

You guys think TOM sucks, just wait until you get past menopause. The post-menopausal body has a low metabolism and all sorts of other unpleasant proclivities. I miss having estrogen coursing through my veins.

Oh well. No one ever said losing weight was easy, not at any age. I recently saw a so-called "inspirational" quote that I think sums it up very well:

Being fat is hard.

Losing weight is hard.

Maintaining your weight is hard.

So pick your hard.

=laugh=
________________________________

Sorry I haven't responded to y'all individually in a while, but I'm really busy with work—not work that pays anything, just the work I do for fun. Because most of what I do is nonverbal (i.e., art), I think about you while I'm working: Kathleen, Holly, Trish, Chelsea, Sara, Becca, shr1nk1ngme. And hey there Gwen—nice to meet you! =waving hand= (I hope I didn't leave anyone out.) Y'all are a great crew to hang out with. I hope all of you are having some magical holiday moments so far, and will continue to have many more of them over the next few weeks. =smile=

IBelieveInMe2 Thanks for the encouragement. I was on my way here to post how holiday depression is really kicking my butt. I'm not overeating though for the most part. I'm not getting out at all this week. I hate being stuck in my apartment. On Sunday I leave for my brother's for Xmas and New Year's. I'm a bit stressed about that too as my mom will be there and we can handle only about 48 hours in the same house. I'll be there for 11 days. My friend told me to act from a place of love. I'm not totally sure what that means but I am going to try and be helpful and remember to be grateful. I have a lot to be thankful for and maybe if I focus on that things will be better.