I feel like I might explode. I just need to rant a little. Some of it might not make much sense (unless anyone has followed some of my blog), but I just want someone unbiased to hear me, and maybe provide some advice.

I'm going to be 26 in January. This November marks my 7th year being married to my husband. I can't drive. He can't drive, either. My parents were supposed to teach me, but my dad is busy all the time, and my mom doesn't want to. She has fibromalgia and is very impatient. She's trying to quit smoking now too, so I just stopped asking her. If I "bug" her too much she'll start smoking again and it'll be my fault.

My husband and I live in walking distance from my parents. If I need to go to town, I have to walk to their house before she leaves, even if I've told her the day before (except on rare occasions) that I need to go with her. She'll either figure I don't need to go, because I didn't get over there fast enough, or she would rather go by herself, because she hates going anywhere, and I guess I keep her in town longer than she wishes. I think another reason she doesn't want to teach me is because she thinks I will steal her Independence. She used to do all the housework, yardwork, and tending to the pets before her pain set in. She can still manage with housework, but she complains constantly, yet doesn't want help when offered. She doesn't understand that I don't want her independence; I want my own.

I have become so bored these past few years that hardly anything makes me feel happy anymore ... let alone excited. I kind of feel like a very old person awaiting death. I only go out for grocery shopping and church. Here lately, I've skipped going to church, because I feel a huge bitterness toward anyone that seems happy. Then I feel guilty for not going to church afterward. Go figure.

I will go over to my parent's house a lot. We eat there when we run out of food, and are waiting for our food stamps to come in. My mom really only likes to go on Fridays, so even if we get them earlier in the week, we still have to wait until Friday to buy food. My 12 year old brother gets on my last nerve. All the time. It's gotten were I can't even tolerate being near him. I have some really bad sound sensitives (undiagnosed misophonia), and even the sound of his voice invokes rage. He makes deliberately loud noises just to annoy me. He doesn't respect my husband, and is constantly treating him like he's his same age, or younger. He gets away with everything and has way more privileges than I ever did. I was raised on spankings and got yelled at constantly for doing small things. He does worse and hasn't been spanked in over a year. He's barely even yelled at too. Meals revolve around whether or not he will eat them. He has free rein over the entire house, it seems. When I was little, my dad was the one in charge, but now it seems like my brother is the king of the house.

But, because I depend on my parents for every, single thing, I can't let my annoyances out. If I make them mad (if I even argue with my brother!) my mom might not want to take my trash off, or take me to town or to church. It frustrates me to no end! She will usually get over it before it comes to that, but not before making me feel super guilty over it.

Also, another thing that grates my nerves is that my mom tends to overlook things I say. We're not exactly compatible, but it doesn't mean she has to tune me out when I tell her something. I can tell her something, and she gets this glazed look on her face, and just says something like, "Oh. Mmhmm. That's good. Yeah." and then starts talking about something that has absolutely nothing to do with what I just said. It drives me up the wall!

I also have no friends. I have acquaintances on facebook (people who occasionally like or comment on my statuses), but nobody who would actually visit me or hang out with me. I don't blame them. I'm a very negative, boring person. I even annoy my husband with my constant complaining about how boring my life is. I have never been good at bottling emotions. I also cry almost every day. I either cry or get really, really angry and explode at him. I know I shouldn't, but he's the only safe person I can vent at. I just get so uncomfortably angry, that I can't think straight and just want to hurt myself. I don't know what to do when I get that angry.

We're extremely poor, so therapy is definitely out of the question. So is getting put on antidepressants (or antpsychotics). I can't even afford painkillers for a neck injury I sustained as a teen that left me permanently stiff.

Sometimes I just really, really hate life. I know there are worse out there than me, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. While other people can make the best of worse situations, here I am super pathetic, wallowing in my own misery instead of doing anything about it. It also doesn't help that I suck at everything I try to do. I wanted to try couponing to save us money, sucked at it. I wanted to try gardening to grow my own food, what a surprise! Sucked at that too. lol. You get the picture. I'm not even very good at writing, even though I claim to be an aspiring author.

I almost completely stopped exercising. The only thing that really makes me happy is eating junk food. I look forward to it like I'm going out to a theater, or something. I've been binging on Halloween candy I bought on clearance since Friday. I guess it's better than cutting myself. Or it might be close to the same. lol.

I'm almost constantly in a dreary state. I only ever feel happy if I'm anticipating something (food included, although I'm more talking about something out of the ordinary), but most of the time when the thing of anticipation comes, I'm left feeling empty and indifferent. A sort of "Great, what do I have to look forward to now?" kind of feeling. I also feel happy if I've taken painkillers for my neck or had a lot of sugar or caffeine. That happiness wears off with the effects, of course.

Since I'm almost always in a dreary state, I'm also terribly lazy and sometimes have bad hygiene. My house is usually in a state of despair, but it would be, either way, since it's practically falling a part (it's a very old trailer).

Sorry, this was so long and random.

I just feel like my life is being wasted. I want to have experiences. I don't want to be just sitting around, waiting to die.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this all the time. This sounds like an awful situation for you. You said you like writing but don't feel like you are good at it, maybe you could take an online writing class? It seems like you have internet since you're on here, and there are pell grants, scholarships, student loans, etc to pay for it. If you are stuck at home all day, it would make you feel better for you to do something rather than just sit around all day feeling worse. I'm sure you will surprise yourself. I recently started back to school after a 3 year break, and I know when I get an A on a test, it makes me push forward harder so that I can keep impressing myself.

Even if you don't take my advice, I hope things get better and you start believing in yourself. It's not just a cliche, you really can do anything, you just have to start.

You really need to start walking and doing some sort of exercise. You will feel better. As you probably know, eating the candy and crap will make you feel like a superstar, until the guilt sets in and the scale goes up. Start thinking about what would be good for YOU. Don't buy clearance candy, buy some apples or the least expensive fruit available at your market. Sit outside in the sunshine for 15 minutes (now that the weather is changing). Try doing small things for yourself by yourself: hair, nails, etc. Good luck to you!

I use to be just like that; meaning family situation. Listen; I will tell you like my mom tells me. No mother or father will have RESPECT for a man who can not take care of home! My father had no respect for my hubby because, my family had to pay for everything for us at first! They want the best for you and I am not saying he is not the best. But this is how parents think!

No need to feel negative about yourself because you have a roof over your head, food on the table and internet. There are so many people who do not have what you have. My mother has funny ways also; but no matter what ; I know she loves me. While I know you guys want to learn how to drive. You might have to pay someone to teach you how to. Which might not be a bad idea.

I also agree with the other poster! You could try a online class to help you with your writing. This will also give you something to do while educating yourself.

Best of luck to you !

I strongly recommend that you and hubby start working on a plan to move away from your folks. I presume that you live in a rural area and do not have any sort of bus service there. You should start saving and look into moving to a town that has public transportation. If you have graduated high school, start thinking about a career you would enjoy and explore training options at PUBLIC community colleges or career centers. They will also be able to work with you about student loans, and pell grants, but be careful as you will have to pay any loans back. That's why I recommend a public institution over a private and/or online training college - you can have more confidence that they are committed to you rather than to maximizing their return on your investment.

You and your husband should be able to make a go of it in town by combining entry-level salaries from available jobs and renting a modest 1 bedroom apartment. You could take driving lessons after you had saved up enough money instead of relying on your mother, who seems more interested in keeping you at home and dependent rather than giving you guys the freedom you need to move on with your lives.

If you have not graduated high school, you should enroll in a GED program and start working on your GED now. Contact your local library and ask them about GED programs. They probably have some available via the internet and/or supplemented by public television programs, with assets you can check out at the library.

You should also look into the Job Corps. The Job Corps provides housing, training, and career placement for young, low-income Americans. You may be on the upper cusp of qualifying for it (I am not sure if they have an age-limit), but you should contact them as well:

http://www.jobcorps.gov/Home.aspx

I think having a positive plan to create a life for you and your husband, a plan with goals toward which you can work, will help your mental health and anger issues.

Finally, I recommend that you seek some professional help. In my state, there are local mental health agencies that are non-profit centers and provide care on a sliding scale basis to people in crisis, and particularly low income people. They might be able to help you.

Is there a free clinic close to you? It sounds like you need at least some kind of antidepressant, if they prescribe one for you some medicine brands will help you with low to no cost medication if you qualify. I think pain medicine is included in the no/low cost but I am not positive.
Can you find someone else to help you learn to drive? Maybe call some churches and see if they can help you guys out.
I agree, start walking a little bit each day, get out in the fresh air and sunshine. It sounds like you really need to put some distance between you and your family for a while and figure out how to stand on your own. I know it is so hard when you are poorer than poor, I have been there, **** I still am.
I know how you feel about not being good at anything, I don't think I have any redeeming qualities either. But we are both wrong! You are an important part of life, you just need to figure out where you fit.

mnemosyne, I was so glad to read your post. Sometimes I really do feel like the US and the UK are on separate planets I have mental health problems( bipolar) and as I am unable to work and my husband is currently looking for work we are on a very limited budget.
Over here access to help would be free and there is help for people who want to improve their education but don't have the money. The course I am doing at the moment was completely subsidised..... I am very blessed.
Serval 87 you really are in a bad place.....I have said this before on 3fc but please be kind to yourself. You cannot fight a battle on multiple fronts. I think sitting talking with your husband about a plan for your future is a great start. It is the first part of taking control over your own life. Of course you are seeking solace in food,as you say it is better than drink or drugs or worse. In the short term put your weight worries aside and concentrate on your health both physically and mentally. A short walk every day....a few veggies planning your meals around when you know you will be able to collect your food stamps.
You are young and you don't mention children so you would be able to be flexible for jobs that require shifts etc....concentrate on what you have to offer.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. No, I don't have kids. I don't want any, if at all, to be honest. It's not something I can think about in my situation, anyway. I'm not sure about clinics are stuff. I know we have a health clinic, but I'm not sure if it covers mental health stuff. I do live in a rural area. I live in my grandparents old trailer, right beside my parents. I will probably get back into walking. I enjoy walking. I've just lacked motivation, and feel that if I'm going to do something that requires energy, it should be cleaning the house, since I'm such a slob. Sometimes I don't wake up in time to walk, because I stay up late trying to write, but mostly just browsing facebook. :P I have a weird feeling of doing anything fun, like playing video games or reading a book, because I feel like I should only write, or I'm worthless.

When I was younger I was very depressed. I don't think I could have gotten out of that without help. I think looking into a free clinic to get on an antidepressant is a very good idea. Given your level of depression, I think it's a really important step one. It's not always easy. It takes time to find what works. But it's a lot better than trying to get to a better place without the help. Also, I think the suggestions about school are a good idea. Sometimes financial aid includes money for living expenses, too, which could help you to be able to do things like get anti-depressant meds and driving lessons. It is important to be careful about loans, but I think it's also important to be moving forward, toward something.

Things can/most likely will get better. I know sometimes it probably feels like all you do is struggle through your days with little to show for it, but that doesn't mean that the struggles won't pay off down the road. Try not to worry about too many things at once, I think. Focus on taking care of yourself and the rest will come.

That's just my two cents. To borrow a phrase I heard, take what you like and leave the rest. =-)

A case of beating yourself up because you have the "shoulds". Those are dangerous. You can keep wallowing in the shoulds, but it's not going to make you feel better.

If you enjoy walking, why don't you set aside some time that works for you on a daily basis to go out for a walk. This walk will only be about you, not about your family or husband or house cleaning, it's your walk.

You don't even have to make grand proclamations to anyone that you are going to walk every day, just go out and do it. Just do that one thing for a while.

I think you are probably an "all or nothing" type person, which I am too, and that's a very difficult way to be, seeing as it can set us up for many disappointments because technically, you can't do everything all the time. You just can't.

Bit by bit though, you CAN do things. It's very overwhelming to think of cleaning your house, I HATE cleaning my house and I have so much to clean and organize that I end up doing nothing and then feeling bad about it. Instead I have learned to just do one tiny little thing at a time. It might take me like a year to have my house exactly the way I want it, but one tiny thing actually makes a difference!

I will give you a link to an article that kinda changed in my life in this respect, maybe you will find it interesting. http://www.nomeatathlete.com/limitless/

Oh and one more thing. I like your writing. To be honest if someone posts something long on here I usually can't be bothered reading it, but I read your entire post because you wrote it very well and kept me interested. :-)

This sounds like a VERY tough situation. It's hard when you want to better your situation but your very situation prevents it.

Two things I thought of:

One, have you thought of approaching your pastor about this situation? Perhaps someone in the church could teach you how to drive? I no longer attend church but when I did I recall it has being a fairly tight community with members willingly assisting other members with their needs. Are there driving schools in your area? Perhaps you could contact them and offer to do work for them in exchange for lessons? People still barter, and maybe they need help with something in their office right now and you could help out.

Two, in regards to your depression and rage- are you certain there are no options? You may qualify for State Medicaid, which would be insurance for you. You also might be able to get counseling through your church, and even assistance with medical bills through your church. There may also be free clinics nearby. If you have any Catholic hospitals nearby, I believe they do a certain percentage of their stuff as charity work. You may have a lot more options than you think.

^What they said.

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. You're in a really tough position.

Some areas do offer free or reduced-cost mental health services - it's definitely worth checking into.

Like BreathingSpace said, it sounds like you might have some unhelpful thinking habits that lead to you feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and angry. A book that I've found very helpful in dealing with my negative thinking is Feeling Good by David D. Burns, MD. From what you've written, I think it might be helpful for you too. If you have a chance, you might try borrowing it from your local library (you could probably request it through Inter-library Loan if they don't have a copy) or buying a copy (the paperback costs about $9-10). It's geared for people with depression, but it also has a whole section on anger.

As far as transportation - how far from town do you live? If you could get a bike from freecycle or wherever, could you bike there? If you live too far out or that's just not an option, do you think one of the people at your church might help you out with transportation (at least for getting to and from church)? Do you think anybody you know might be willing to give you driving lessons in exchange for you doing some work for them, like housework or babysitting?

If you want to go for a walk, go for a walk. S---- the housework. It's not going to go anywhere.

Thanks, everyone. Again. I really appreciate all the helpful and nice comments.

The church I attend is nondenominational, so we don't have consoling or stuff like that. I have my preacher's email address and an email address for a minister that I really respect, but I'm not completely comfortable going to them for advice on my mental issues.

Some men from the church will pick me up for church if I request it, but I kind of messed that up a while back by not going when they'd come over (we were using my parents phone at the time since we don't have one, and my parents decided they didn't want a phone anymore, so they got rid of it, and have cell phones only for emergencies) and I wasn't able to cancel anymore. I should have just went, but I was either having stiff pains or depression issues and didn't feel like being around a lot of people.

I have a bike, but I'm a little scared of it, because I'm short and can't touch my feet to the ground. lol. We live about a 20 minute drive from town.

Thanks for the book suggestion and I'll check out the link. I make a small amount of money on amazon mechanical turk sometimes and do surveys on listia.com to get books and little things like that. It takes a while, but it's better than not ever getting anything.

I haven't thought about bartering. I'm very socially awkward. I might look into seeing if I could qualify for medicaid or something. Thanks for the suggestions.

It is a terrible pity that you don't have access to affordable medical care as I think that antidepressants could really help to improve your outlook. With your depression under control it would be easier to break the cycle of dependence and poverty you are currently trapped in, but it is still possible to take steps to improve things, it's just a little bit more challenging to stay motivated to do what is necessary.

Is it in any way possible for you to move closer to town so that you and your partner can find work? You need to get a job. Any job. Not just for the money, but for the confidence and self worth that it will bring. Have you thought about asking your church community if any of them have a room you could stay in while you and your partner find work and get on your feet? I really feel that the crux of your issues is your location and that once you are closer to town that things will improve for you from there.

At 26 you should be leading a far more independent life and making your own choices. I really hope that things pick up for you soon.

I agree with all of this. Please try to find a way to get on antidepressants. I was your age when I was first diagnosed with depression and started on antidepressants (as a full time student without a lot of money). I felt like I wasn't capable of making any of the changes I needed to make to improve my life until those antidepressants kicked in. It wasn't overnight but I slowly began to feel capable again, and started tackling obstacles to my happiness.

You are in so deep right now that nothing seems possible so you don't even try. Once you get properly medicated, that will change. And if you truly cannot get on a generic antidepressant, I agree that you should start getting regular aerobic exercise (like walking). That has been shown to alleviate MILD depression. It sounds like you have more than a mild depression, but something is better than nothing.