sERVAL87 first stop the negative talk about yourself. Counseling with a pastor is free. Have you ever been diagnosed with bi-polar? Are you handicapped so you can't get a job? One step at a time-which one is it going to be?

I don't have access to a place like that. My mom is the only person I can carpool with, and it would inconvience her too much to take me to a place like that. Also, being a member of a church of Christ, I would feel a bit weird getting any form of help or guidance from a denominational church. The only minister I could talk to is the one at the church I attend, or the other church of Christ minister I correspond with through email. The new minister we have at the church I attend is an extremely nice guy, but I don't exactly feel comfortable talking with him about my innermost thoughts, especially since I see him in person several times a week. It's hard to explain, but it'd be weird. I don't even disclose all of my thoughts to my mom. My husband is the only person who completely knows how messed up I am.

I've never been diagnosed with anything. I haven't been to a real doctor since I was a teen. I went to the health clinic a couple years ago about a dental issue, but it was a waste of time, so I had to start seeing a real dentist every couple of months, but it was really, really expensive. My husband's SSI check got cut this year (not completely, but they took maybe 60 dollars out, so we're living on less than 500 a month), so I haven't been able to go back yet. I still have a lot of work I need to get done, and the dentist is dumb about payments. The biggest wiggle room she'll allow me if paying half up front and the other half 2 weeks later. If I could make smaller payments on my own time, I'd go and have it all done, but that can't happen. I did have this thing for a while, that was 7 dollars a month, and it took like 25% off everything, but "conveniently" they stopped accepting it several months after I started using it. Ticks me off.

Anyway, I got off topic. lol.

I have a 1st cousin that is bi-polar, though. Not sure if that matters. My mom said she might have a bottle of antidepressants I could try. They were given to my dad, or something. Not sure if I want to try them, or not. I, most likely, wouldn't be able to get anymore, so if they helped, it would suck going "back to reality". lol.

I was having some moments of feeling a little better, but it's been cold and my knees and neck have been extra achy, and it hasn't been that comfortable enough to walk outside. I've been wanting to clean the kitchen more, but I haven't. I've been staying up all night and then going to bed when the light is coming in. I also have barely been writing at all. I sort of lost interest in the story I had been editing, and haven't felt much like picking up on another one.

I read that website someone provided earlier, about training yourself to have better habits, and am definitely going to try it, so thanks!

Unfortunately, I gained most of the weight I lost back, or else it was from eating too much dairy (I'm mildly lactose intolerant, but I LOVE cheese and ice cream; I don't drink cow's milk anymore, as it seems to react the worse with my stomach). I was going to start eating raw or steamed vegetables whenever I felt like binging. It's still not the best thing to do, but sometimes I just feel the need to eat something, and then I feel somewhat better. :P

Speaking of impulses, I've had the strongest impulse to take one (or all four) of the black kittens my mom can't find homes for. I have three cats already. I just took one from the last litter. I was supposed to take her originally, but I procrastinated (not really sure if I could afford another cat, and afraid of the harmony between my other two being altered), but then my dad took the cat and her mother off, and the cat (I named her Mado) showed up at the church I attend, and I felt very guilty, so I ended up taking her anyway. Even, despite that, I feel a very strong urge to take one (or all) of the kittens. Maybe it's because they're new and exciting and make me forget things when I'm playing with them, but I know I can't afford anymore cats. I won't take them, but it doesn't mean the urge isn't there. I know I will have some minor guilt if they get taken off like Mado and her mother did. It just makes me feel awful.

Anyway, if I take anymore cats my catfood and litter bill will go up too high and knock out any possible chance of me ever going back to the dentist or even to a real doctor once I get all of my dental work done. I have incredibly crooked teeth. I desperately needed braces as a child, but my parents never got them for me (even though they've never had any trouble taking out loans for things like vehicles or tvs, but whatever). I was also never taught to floss as a kid, and didn't get into the habit until a year or so ago, so you can only imagine how disgusting my mouth was. I also have one of those mercury fillings that I need to get removed, as I've broken it by grinding my teeth in my sleep. I also need a crown for said tooth. It's all expensive stuff. I feel bad for all the money going into making my mouth healthier, but I also don't ever want to lose any teeth. I have nightmares all the time about losing teeth, and they freak me out.

Dang. Sorry for rambling.

Get a new bike. Maybe you can get a child's bike from one of your fellow church member's kids as a hand me down? I notice on your profile you're only 4'9"...I'm 5'3" and I can comfortably ride the bike I rode as a 12 year old. Plus kids get a lot nicer looking bikes anyway. Or as an alternative, I think Goodwill has some sort of vehicle program. You could check them out, perhaps there's one near you. Perhaps in addition to securing a vehicle they'd help you get a license.

I can't comment on the mental health aspect. I have no knowledge of it. But from an outsider's point of view, gaining financial and mobility independence from your parents would probably go miles to improving your outlook on life. You might be able to save up enough to move away from them as well. Even if the job situation is particularly bad in your area, this is the time of year retailers begin hiring seasonal employees, so that could be a start.

You might see if there are any job placement services in your area too. My sister used to work for one. It's a publicly funded state service that helps with interview skills, resume writing, etc.

Serval - please do not take your father's antidepressants. They were prescribed for him, not for you. Antidepressants require monitoring by a physician. Some can contribute to liver problems, others can actually cause some people's depression to worsen.

This is the website of the Tennessee State Association of Community Mental Health Centers. Click on "Access to Services" and you will get a map of the state that you can explore county by county to look for services in your area. There are other numbers there that may be of help.

Bingo. Your Mom needs to cut the cord and you need to stop feeling guilt. You're almost 26 go live your life, she's crippling you. I would be very depressed in your situation too. I think you need to get away from this situation and you will feel a lot better. Not having kids helps too because nothing is tying you down. You seem very smart, start a plan for a better future. It can be done.

I second the suggestion by others to get a new bike. Try to see whether you can exchange the one you have for a smaller one. It will give you mobility and provide some exercise. I am not sure I would get antidepressants. What you need is a more structured life. Go to sleep earlier, get up in the morning, work out. Exercise, particularly cardio, releases hormones that will make you feel good. Pretty much the same effect as anti-depressants. If you have internet, you can purchase workout videos and do it at home. Jillian Michaels' videos are not that expensive and her books actually are pretty good (your library should have them). You might like her no nonsense attitude.
Ask your husband to help you with acquiring a more disciplined lifestyle. It is hard if you have to come up with all the energy yourself. Schedule some time both of you tidy up and clean the house once a week. If you are like me, it will be messed up quickly again, but just cleaning and putting things away makes you feel good.
Then, as others said, you need some kind of work. Even if it just is to get you on a schedule and bring in some pocket money. You write well and lucid. There is plenty of room to expand on this. Since you have internet, you could research some job opportunities that involve writing skills. The internet is blind to your looks, your place of origin and offers you world-wide access. You may not make a lot of money, but it gives you something to do and and to build a resume. Once you have that, you can also look for a job more locally. Depending on your interests and school background, you can also now find a lot of schooling resources on the internet, as many schools and universities provide lectures that can be accessed for free (on iTunes for example). Some also provide discussion boards for their "students" to exchange ideas and help with studies. If you feel socially shy, this may be a way to interact with complete strangers.
As to your health, Obamacare is coming. You should get better health care with it. Hold out.

Hi Serval, I didn't feel right reading your post and not replying and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you xxxx

As someone else has said you do sound like an all or nothing type of person (let's look at the cats!) ..... the positive side of this is that when you do get the strength to turn your life around there'll be no stopping you!

However, I don't think it is fair for people to comment on your mother in a negative way. To be fair she seems to have her own problems, you are now a married woman but still relying heavily on her. I think, perhaps with the help of medication (prescribed for you, not someone else) you will have to stop relying on her and your father and start doing things for yourself. Obviously if you can do something to earn an income of your own this would help enormously.

Forgive me for asking but if you aren't working what do you do to occupy yourself besides reading and spending late evenings on facebook? I think you should cut out facebook, I don't think it is condusive to a healthy relationship - perhaps your husband and yourself could start by going out for a walk in the evenings, this would help you both and maybe you could start to formalise a plan of where you are both going. The exercise is good too - I find when my husband and I walk together it gives us a chance to chat about various things, better than both of us sitting watching tv!

Please get yourself a smaller bike on freecycle ..... start by cycling 10 or 15 mins each day and building it up ..... in no time at all you'll be able to cycle into your nearest town rather than relying on your parents and it will give you a sense of independence.

Also, DO NOT TAKE ON ANY MORE CATS ..... the pictures you have posted look great but there is a place called stop ..... take care of yourself first and foremost.

Take care xx

Hi read your post before and was not sure how to respond to you in a way that would be helpful.
Sometimes I find it helpful to write my feelings down then have a separate column for action statements.
Feelings are find but we can not live our life strictly by are emotions are lives would be be all over the place.
Where do You want to be in a year and what are you doing to get yourself there?
Being willing to ask your Pastor for help and maybe he can offer you a referral to someone who could .
We all need to accept responsibility for where we are at and life and believe in our ability to change!
if we don't believe in ourselves how can we expect someone else will?
Everything that has happened to all of us good the bad makes us who we are.
Happiness is a choice ,something in you wants better choose that and reach out for help and have the courage to take it.
People have overcome impossible odds I think of about people who have lost everything and had to start over again.
Plan of action - what is going to get me where I want to go?
What have I done today to enrich someone life today?
Could be as simple as helping someone for no reason at all.
Try making a list of all things you are grateful for in life.
I hope you will reach out and get the resources you need.
Be like a Salesman they hear more no's than yes' but a good salesman keeps on and closes the Deal.
This is your life take an active role in getting your needs met.
I wish for you the courage to achieve your dreams . Roo2::

Thanks, again, everyone.

Allimac1, I really don't do much. I plan to do a lot, like reading textbooks I've won off listia or got off amazon with mturk money that I've earned from doing surveys and stuff. I have an interest in botany and herbology. I also plan to write/edit on stories, do housework, exercise, practicing singing (I know lol) , reading regular books ect. I usually end up playing on the internet, whether it's facebook, or youtube. Sometimes if I'm feeling better than usual, I will do some HITS on mturk to earn a very small amount of money (mostly surveys, article writing, crap like that), or I'll use listia (it's like ebay, but it's free unless there's shipping involved; you just make site points and trade them in for stuff). Other times, I watch a movie (we ditched our satellite and got netflix; it's cheaper and we still get to watch stuff). Or sometimes I go over to my parents' house and hang out with my mom/play with the kittens/take a shower (our hot water heater has been broken for almost two years).

One of clergypeople's jobs is to help people who are sick - both mentally and physically. Not reaching out to anybody but your husband (who I'm guessing isn't a certified psychotherapist) isn't working for you. If you want to get better, you're going to have to get outside your comfort zone. From what you've said, it sounds like sharing your problems with the pastors you know would be the easiest and least inconvenient way to reach out for help. It might make you feel uncomfortable, but if you want to get better you're probably going to have to reach outside of your comfort zone to get the tools and support you need.

This is really bad idea.

That's sad, but I think you're right not to take the kittens. Your well-being is more important than a cat's, and getting the cats probably won't help you in the long run, will it? Why do you feel guilty about the cats? Their existence/non-adoption isn't your fault.

I just feel bad, because I took one from the last litter, and she has a good home, and they might not have a good home. My parents are tired of having a lot of cats around. They're only going to keep the one my brother likes (Mado's sister), and if they can't find homes soon then they will dump them on the side of the road somewhere. They already got rid of the mother, who was a feral that we all worked with for months, and finally gained her trust and affection, and then they just dump her off. Makes me both angry and upset. I think my dad said she may have gotten a home, though, but my mom took her away from the black kittens before they were fully weaned.

I guess I just bond easier and faster with animals (especially cats). I'm around my cats and the cats at my mom's almost all the time. So, that's 8 different cats (was 9 counting the ex-feral) as opposed to my husband, parents, and brother. lol. So, I'm around more cats than people on a regular basis.

I might look into talking to my minister, I guess. I'm sure my anti-social behavior has already told him that I have some problems. Maybe I'll talk to the one I email first, though.

Thanks, again.

When I was growing up, our family had around 17 cats and it got out of control. They just kept having more and more kittens. I ended up posting an ad on Pet Finder and a cat adoption agency contacted us. They took all but 3 of the cats and the 3 cats that we kept, the agency spayed and neutered them for free. Maybe there is a similar agency in TN that your parents could contact that would take the cats and give them a good home.

Here is a list of places in Tennessee that offer free or low cost spaying and neutering for cats:

lovethatcat. com/ spayneuter. html #tn (remove the spaces)

Thanks! I'd have to do anything like that, because my mom will make excuses. I actually found my Avery off petfinder.

Hey, I just turned 27 and last year around this time I would of said all the same things as you. I hated life, I was so depressed. I was only dieting merry go round and just hated life most the time. I have been diagnosed with so many different things and the doctors wanted to put me on medications but after being on so many different ones as a teenager I didn't want to do that again.

My life now is COMPLETELY different.I now eat a fruit based raw vegan diet. I have so much energy its amazing. My outlook on life is different and my passions are multiplying by the day. I feel like life is amazing.

I went from doing a low carb, paleo style diet and feeling like crap, I always felt depressed and tired. Now from going vegan 9 months, and losing 100 lbs I feel much better and completely in control of my life. I don't know if you ever heard of the book 80/10/10, or you could look up "Megan Elizabath, Freelea , or FullyRawKristina" on youtube and check it out. I know for me personally it was the turning point and I am so happy now because of it.

I also have a youtube video talking about my journey into raw foods and how calorie restriction is just a merry go round and keeps us sick. You can find that at "GetYourFruitOn" on youtube.

Keep us updated and if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here <3

I was reading about the raw diet for a while, but I honestly can't afford all organic. I really only buy organic spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, and potatoes. I buy nonorganic bell peppers. The organic ones are close to 3 dollars a pepper. :-/ I would skip them all together since I can't get organic, but they're my favorite. I would eat them with every meal if I could afford it (spinach, onions, and tomatoes too; I'm crazy about all of them) Most of the other veggies (and almost all the fruit except bananas I buy) are frozen (non organic). I've heard of that book, but never read it.