There may be a light at the end of this long tunnel
I spent three whole years dieting and killing myself exercising. I've tried everything--eating more, eating less, constantly increasing my exercise--and I just kept either not losing or gaining. People kept telling me "You must be miscalculating your calorie intake." They told me that so much that I started to feel like I might be going insane. I started weighing my food portions twice. Then I started to look at the food I was allowing myself like it was too much. I started to believe that I did have fork-in-mouth disease. It defied all logic, but I believed it because I didn't have anything else to go by.
Because of this, I spent six months this year struggling with near-constant guilt and self-disgust. I told myself if I weren't so weak I could lose weight like everyone else, so I signed up for every hike, and ran 6+ miles on every day I wasn't hiking. The exercise was the only time I didn't feel guilty. And all the while, I was battling fatigue so severe that it became a struggle just to go to work for 8 hours. I had to up my sleep on weekends from 12 hours a night to a solid 14 in order to not be shot for the next week. Working out was the only time I'd "wake up" and feel mentally alert. Right now, I'm still going through all these things. But I'm finally starting to have hope.
I got my blood test results back, and I am hypothyroid. It makes sense, of course--I've been dealing with increasing fatigue, weight gain, intolerance of cold, depression and highly irregular periods for the past year. I've been dealing with the fatigue and weight gain for four years now. However, I fall within "normal" TSH ranges for my current medical office, which goes by outdated lab standards. So now, when I am so exhausted that running errands on top of exercise and work is daunting, I have to put in the effort to find a new doctor who goes by the updated lab standards, so I can get treatment. I also went to a gynecologist, who ran hormonal blood tests on me and found out that my hormone levels are very abnormal. He put me on a lower dose of BC pill to see if that helps, but in two months he wants me back for more blood tests because he doesn't think the pill is the only problem.
I know these don't sound like easy fixes, and they're not, but I have finally, slowly, started to stop blaming myself for something that isn't a result of me being "weak" or "defective." It's a real condition. It's not in my head. It's not something I did to myself. It's not something I could have prevented. If I work hard and get the right treatment, my exercise and dieting will actually work. It's a light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel, and for the first time in a year I'm starting to have hope.
I guess the point I'm trying to make here is: sometimes, it's not you. Sometimes, when nothing works to make you lose weight, it's your body, not you. I urge anyone who reads this who struggles with nonsensical weight gain, or impediment to weight loss, to go see a doctor. Maybe you don't have hypothyroid symptoms, but there are other problems like PCOS that can make you gain despite diet/exercise. Find out. Explore all your options. If you're doing all you can, that's all you can do, and it's time to seek medical help. In the thyroid patient community, many who have thyroid disorders are misdiagnosed with depression, which is a symptom, not the cause itself. If you get tested for thyroid disorders, get the numbers. Don't just go by what your doctor says--do your research. The American Thyroid Association has good info. If you get tested for anything, get the numbers and do your research. You aren't alone, and you have the right to feel good and be healthy!
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