I was just wondering if any of you ladies have noticed your depression affecting your partners, family, friends, etc. I always get worried that my depression will have a negative effect on my relationship with my Fiance'. He has often told me I'm too pessimistic with my outlooks on some things (I think I'm just more realistic and practical!) but has never mentioned my depression. I guess I'm afriad that if I show him the true scope of my depression, (I often try my hardest to be happy, even when I'm not) it will bring him down, and that is the last thing I want.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Do you pretend to be happy, like a "fake it till you make it" type deal? I almost feel like pretending is lying. I guess I'm feeling a little off today. Any feedback would be appreciated!

Yes, i have the same problem. My boyfriend gets sooo upset when i bring up my weight. He's known since day 1 that it's a MAJOR issue with me. I've had alot of therapy and she tells me to "fake it till i make it". When i go to say something she tells me to refrain and keep that sort of talk between me and my girlfriends as they would understand better. He tells me he loves me just as i am, it's hard for me to understand that as i've gained 20 lbs since surgery this time last year. So yes, i know your pain and struggle. Maybe do pretend if you need to, it's not lying, it's just not putting yourself out there to your fiance in a negative way hugs!

Hey remember that honesty is important in a relationship and so is being true to yourself. Honestly I'm sure he'd rather know how you're truly feeling. I have similar feelings sometimes but pretending to be happy doesn't really work, I don't think it's ever that convincing. I talked to my boyfriend recently about how I was feeling and he was very understanding. He just wants me to be happy.

Hope you're getting through things.. you said fake it til you make it but are you seeking help for your depression?

LeilaJey, I was on medication for years, two years ago I stopped taking medication. I normally feel fine but every now and then have a "down day" where I just feel like I'm in a funk. My fiance' knows about my history with medication and depression, and truthfully, he makes me very happy and is very supportive. I just know it's no fun to be around a debbie downer, so I try to put a smile on my face. He's very receptive and supportive of my feelings and for that I am greatful. I have an appointment Thursday with my doctor for a physical so I may bring up that medication may be needed once again, I just didn't want to go down that road again. Thanks for the response.

I understand.. I know it's not nice but there's no shame in needing a little help sometimes. Good luck with your appointment

debbie downer

vixxi, I'm so glad that your fiance will listen and does care! you sound like you do have a great relationship together. He wants you to be happy and he realizes that sometimes you're not..I think as long as you know you can always tell him what you're feeling, you'll be good. I understand your saying that you think you're not being true to yourself by 'faking it'..perhaps it helps to acknowledge that you are feeling down that day, but are trying to combat it by trying to be upbeat.

Best wishes with your doctor's visit tomorrow!!

When my anxiety disorder was at its worst it definitely put a dent in my relationship only because I was so consumed with it...he was on the back burner for a long time. Fast forward to today and everything is fine, he stuck with me through it and I am grateful. I feel bad that he was "neglected" for so long and I apologized but he knows I couldn't help it. I did hold a lot of it in only because it was embarassing and repetitive but it's over now.

If people/friends/family love you they will stick with you through it, just make sure you're getting help.

Yeah i am slowly drifting away from my boyfriend because of it...it sucks i cant really control it hopefully i can start therapy soon :/

My SO probably suffers from worse depression than I do...but it expresses itself differently. He starts thinking very negative thoughts about himself. I start getting irritable and generally discontent (likely due to being somewhere on the bipolar spectrum--I'm complicated!).

If we're both having a bad day, it can be really bad. Since I started the Wellbutrin, though, it's been a lot better. My irritability and inability to find anything fun was really putting a strain on things.

Yes!! My irritability has really diminished taking this, which has helped my relationship a lot.

But to answer the question:
Yes yes yes, a thousand times yes. I had really bad anxiety and depression + mood swings the first 1.5 years of our relationship ~ it was AWFUL. Scared he was going to cheat on me, scared of him having female friends, not feeling good about myself, etc etc.

We had a very very rough patch and I honestly know that most would not be able to tough it out...but he stayed. And I got better. And now I'm really, really happy.

I've had periods of depression, and both times I sought out my doc for meds to help. DH was supportive. I think it's better that he knows what's going on with me so he can be a good partner to me in thick or thin. Paxil, Xanax, Zoloft -- I had to turn to these tools for extreme rough patches and once past it I could let them go. So far only twice in my life.

Both were during INTENSE stress times in my life and I'm an angry person. Anger directed inward becomes depression easily so.... can't be mouthing off at your loved ones, but can't be internalizing stressful YARGH either.

There's got to be some learning in there to find the balance or else you are going to BLOW or totally SHUT DOWN.

I won't say I've mastered this and will NEVER need the help of a doc again because who knows what life will throw my way in future.

I will say I know myself better now, and I know to give DH the heads up when I feel like the crazy train is getting to be TOO MUCH and my load is going to make me crack. He knows to scale back on expectations, requests, and step it up on the sheltering me from toxic people until my headspace is better. If it is really bad, I know I can make a doc appt.

In a healthy relationship, all that can happen and I'm blessed this way.

Sadly, I know two friends who are depressed and the REASON for the depression is not external like mine were -- the first time was the great confusion of trying to get my PCOS/IR dx and the extreme frustration of not getting answers. The second time was dealing with extreme stress and frustration with eldercare for my aging (prob Alzheimer) father and battling my mother over it because she did not want to see the need.

While these things put me over the max, they were external to my marriage. My marriage was feeling stress from things for sure... but it was coming at us from the outside.

Friends? One saw the light and got out recently. The other? She's still depressed because her relationship IS the reason for the depression. She wants so badly for it to work that she does not see it for the HUGE energy drain it is. Her partner puts her down as "too negative" or "too sensitive" or "not good enough" whatever in many ways. Minimizing her emotions is a tactic of abuse.

In her case I would NOT advise opening up further to partner about her depression -- esp if he's going to use it as further ammo against her! In her case, I hope she eventually drops wishing for things to work out here and accept that they just don't, the relationship is not healthy, etc. Too see maybe her depression would lift if she wasn't with a partner who depresses her and squashes her spirit! To decide to leave him and hope for a brighter future happiness.

I can't do it for her, I can only be her friend. Sigh.


So... not knowing you or your situation, I'd suggest you think it over on the partner side... do you feel safe to open up or not about this and be more authentic with partner? (You don't have to answer here. It's just for you to think about. Your biz id your biz.)

But def think about your upcoming doc visit and if you need to be on meds for a short while like a "touch up" or not. Meds leave our system, sometimes if the stressor is gone we don't need it at ALL. But if you are facing hard times, there's no shame in getting extra support. Meds are not magic pills to solve everything, but there's no reason not to use tools available either.

There's no medal for enduring pain that doesn't need to be endured or be that level of painful!

Just don't use meds to numb yourself or escape and just avoid dealing with the cause of the depression. They can help get you to a better dealing place, sure. But things do need dealing with.

GL!


A.

I think my Depression/Anxiety prevent me from having relationships with people I manage to make it to work, I manage to function in that envronment (somewhat I have ocasional anxiety related problems as well at the work place) and it leads me to just shut off to people.

I don't have a relationship and I don't have a lot of close friends, probably because of that. I'm slowly pushing the close friends I do have away not on purpose but I can see it happening I'm spending less and less time talking to them i'm feeling more and more like a 'bother'. It makes me sad but I don't know what to do about it. I try to fake it and be "Happy" but it doesn't always work. Some of the emotions seep through. : (

A big "yes" about depression affecting relationships. I realize that mostly now in retrospect. I had a great therapist few years back (cognitive therapy) and he would point out that it's not the depression causing the negativity, it's the negativity causing the depression, at least for me.

I suffer from both depression and anxiety and it has affected my relationship with my husband and my family. I tend to be withdrawn, moody, crying or extremely nervous and self-focused when suffering which makes it very hard to connect to people. Fortunately, everyone in my life is extremely supportive and realises that sometimes I'm not able to be there 100% for them. However, I try to understand when they do need a break from my general neediness/black cloud (although it can be hard when you're feeling low and that people are abandoning you!).

On the flip side, my husband recently suffered from anxiety due to an abusive workplace (he was afraid of going anywhere near his work, woke up in the middle of the night sweating and checking his work emails, cringed everytime he saw anyone with the same basic body shape as his boss or words that used to be in his company's name) and as I was supporting him through it, I have to say it was hard. I tried to be as happy, cheerful and positive around him as I could but when I was by myself I'd sometimes call my Mum and cry. But I'm also glad that he told me otherwise he'd have tried to stick it out by himself and he might have gotten much worse without family support.

Try talking to your fiance about how you feel when you're low. When I told my husband (he was my boyfriend at the time), he was understanding and knew that sometimes I'd have really bad days and to not take it personally. Now I tell him when I'm feeling really down or really anxious which allows him to be supportive (e.g. helping more with the housework as I'm often lethargic when depressed, cheering me up with little gestures, suggesting he cooks instead, watching a comedy on tv) and it does make it feel better to share. I used to be the type of person to hide it but it always ended with me trying to hide my feelings and emotions and spiralling deeper into it so by the time anyone realised, I'd have already sunk into major depression rather than just having a few low days.

Btw, I do recommend therapy as it really does help to have someone whose job it is to listen to you and to help you put your emotions into perspective. I overcame really bad social anxiety (I could not leave the house by myself and even with someone, the slightest crowd would make me feel nauseous, dizzy and faint) with cognitive behaviour therapy while cutting back on my medication. It was amazing because I'd been on anti-depressants for 12 years to stabilise my moods.

Get out of my brain! That is exactly how I feel and how my anxiety/depression manifest themselves. It's so hard to feel genuine connections or feel like you're worthy of a relationship sometimes.

I was creeping through the thread on weight and intimacy and depression just throws another wrench into the mix there. I hope one day things will be different, but for now it's so hard to feel comfortable let alone confident in those situations.

You (the original poster) seem to have a very lovely SO and I hope he will give you the support you need. Don't fake it because that will just cause confusions and problems later. Try to be as upbeat as you can, but if you really can't then just tell them that you're in a funk and need some time.