Bullied at work
 

Hi everyone :)

I just joined 3FCOAD. I was looking for some help relating to the issue I am having at work and I came across this website. So here goes.

I am a 26 year old who is overweight. Not obese. I have a big butt and fat arms and am 5'4. Recently a bunch of new guys joined the room I am working in (we have different client rooms) and they keep bullying me about my weight. For example, I was looking at one of my friends' Blackberry phone and one of the guys came up to me and said "oh thats a good phone for you coz it matches your size." I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. The same person took my lunchbox once and held it up for the entire room to see (its a small box) and said "see how little she eats in office. She must be gorging at home huh?" The bullying has got so bad that I don't feel like going to office anymore.

I feel like killing myself. I frequent the gym and I am seeing good results. But I feel like an ugly blob and my self esteem is at a negative bazillion because of this bullying. Please help me.

he's pathetic, next time you can say "rumor says only a guy with a small penis laugh at other people cuz he has low self-esteem issue."

Hi jazzyjas. Thank you so much for your reply :) He is such a jerk that he would actually ask me if I would like to see his penis to see if its small or not. I have stopped talking to him and this has resulted in the people in the room avoiding me. Thinking I have made a big deal of nothing. I'd like to ask for a transfer but I don't like to seek help from the senior people in office because the guy who bullies me is an office favorite. Everyone loves him. And I don't think they will support me in any way..

Well, this guy is a real jerk. No ¨real man¨treats a woman like that no matter her size. Personally, I would walk in with my head high knowing if I were 300lbs, I would still be 100x the better person than this a@shole is!!

Lose the weight sister and then make him drop to his knees drooling. Sometimes revenge is the best reward!!

Originally Posted by lovemydoggiesx2:
Well, this guy is a real jerk. No ¨real man¨treats a woman like that no matter her size. Personally, I would walk in with my head high knowing if I were 300lbs, I would still be 100x the better person than this a@shole is!!

Lose the weight sister and then make him drop to his knees drooling. Sometimes revenge is the best reward!!

Thanks for your reply lovemydoggiesx2 :) Two weeks ago one of the guys in my gym told me that I have lost weight. I was so happy I was bouncing off the walls lol. And then these jerks turned up and everything went downhill from there. I was not that serious about losing weight but I am going to get serious now. I am sick and tired of being bullied...

This is harassment pure and simple. Go to your human resources department. If they don't resolve this issue you have grounds for a lawsuit. You do not have to put up with a hostile work environment whatever size you are.

Originally Posted by moviegrl1737:
This is harassment pure and simple. Go to your human resources department. If they don't resolve this issue you have grounds for a lawsuit. You do not have to put up with a hostile work environment whatever size you are.

Hi moviegrl1737 :) Thanks for your reply. If this continues then I will have no choice but to report them. As I mentioned before, this bully is an office favorite. So I don't know to what extent seeking HR's assistance in this matter will help me. But if it continues I will go to them :)

Where do you work ? Sounds like your coworker is stll in the fifth grade. Start documenting every time this jerk makes a remark about your size. Just jot down the dates and the comments, when you have a few, go to human resources.

Originally Posted by jazzyjas:
he's pathetic, next time you can say "rumor says only a guy with a small penis laugh at other people cuz he has low self-esteem issue."

TOTALLY AGREE!!

re:
 

Yep, write down everything that happens and go to HR. They will want specific examples.

It's flat out harassment.

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Document, document, document. And go to HR. That is absolutely unacceptable behavior, and you do not have to put up with it, regardless of whether he is the office favorite.

If HR blows it off, look up the employment board for your state and contact them.

This is insane - he's supposed to be an adult. I understand not wanting to escalate things, but please, please do. You shouldn't have to deal with this.

I agree. Document, report it to HR. If they blow it off, go higher.

Next time he pulls a stunt, pull out a notebook and ask him if he's like to put that in writing and initial, thanks. Don't be aggressive so he starts escalating things at you. But let him know you are taking notes!

If he starts up with the "you are too sensitive, can't you take a joke?" business, note that too. In fact, check out #6 and #7 and maybe #10-- sounds like he plays in those areas.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

How much of that applies in his case? Because he is mean and abusive. So document THAT too -- the type of abuse/intimidation he's doing.

What he said, when it was said, who witnessed if any, type of abuse. Take it to HR and keep on doing it.

It is NOT anything to do with you or your personhood. And you know what? your self esteem will take a hit UP instead of DOWN taking action on this nonsense. You do NOT deserve this.

:hug:

A.

Vex and Blueberries are totally correct. You need to document everything. Time and dates, locations, what was said, etc.

Everytime it happens, go to HR. Document that as well. Who you talked to, what you said, what they said, what they said they were going to do to resolve the issue.

Each time he does something, head down to HR and file a report. Keep as much paperwork in the chain as possible.

You also have a right to see your employee file at anytime. Do not hesitate to ask for copies of reports regarding the situation for your own files. If HR isn't putting copies of the incidents in both your files, they are not doing their job.

This guy is the one with the issue - NOT YOU!!! The best defense you have is to arm yourself with as much information and back-up as you can.

If HR doesn't act, you do have a lawsuit.

Just remember - you are the only person who can let him make you feel bad. Empower yourself and you will feel better.

Keep your chin up, keep moving ahead and have alot of faith that it will work out in the end.

Document it! Like others have said. Especially if it occurs in a hard copy form (like an email). This is 100% harassment and NOT work appropriate. I'm so sorry you're going through this. :hug:

You're getting great advice. I just wanted to add my support and to echo the comments reminding you that you are NOT the problem. This guy is a harasser and a bully and what he says has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

Be kind and gentle with yourself through this process so that his words don't get to you.

Document and report him. He's creating a hostile work environment. You should not have to deal with personal attacks in the workplace.

I suggest that you research the role of your local employment/labour board anyway so that you can be prepared in case you need to bring them into this.

What a horrible person.

Please take action against this immature jerk. Please don't let him continue to laugh off his completely inappropriate behavior!

Don't let some worthless punk ruin your day! There's no reason for him to try and make up for his inadequacies by picking on you. Maybe try a boxing class at the gym, something to boost your confidence level?

Hunny, first and foremost, don't let a loser like that treat you that way. I agree, you need to report the harassment to your HR and if they do nothing, take it further up.

Secondly, If you are feeling great with your progress, don't let anything that this @sshole says go to your head. He is most likely still reliving the "glory days" he had in high school where he acted the same way to others as he is acting to you and somehow got appraisal from other immature minds.

Everyone on this site is beautiful and trying to make a difference in their own lives. Take time to think about all your progress and keep moving forward. This jerk needs to be reported. They will be others he will harass that may not be as strong as you in the future and may be affected in different ways and not be able to bounce back from it.

You're already making a difference in your own life and by getting him reported, you may be making a difference in someone else's future.

Our company provides harassment training (how to deal with it, not how to do it!) and I learned that harassment based upon weight is a firing offense. You could get his @$$ fired! You might be hesitant because you'd worry that your other coworkers would avoid you for getting someone fired, but a lot of this would calm down if Mister Bully weren't around stirring the pot. Personally, I'd rather have my coworkers be awkward around me for justly getting someone fired than be constantly called out and bullied in front of them.

This is very disturbing that this kind of behavior is happening at work. I know it's not easy to ignore because how can you forget the words that hurt you. Obviously this man has some serious issues with himself and I pity him.

What everyone has said about documenting these actions is so completely correct. Better to have ammo if you ever come to a point where it is brought to a higher level. Also, I don't know if your company offers it but it would be a good idea to talk with someone....not just HR but like a therapist. You say this is making you depressed....having to see a therapist because of office issues makes a case for you. Just in case!!!

I think you're a very strong girl, and I would definitely have no problem working with you. I also would have no problem punching the guy.....I don't stand for bullying....that was left for the blacktop back in Grammar School.

Keep your positive outlook....be proud of your accomplishments with your weight loss. Don't let him make you feel bad and then eat something you don't want to eat....I understand wanting that emotional eating..instead...decide to do 10 more minutes in a workout. You have nothing to prove to him.....seriously I wish I could come there and knock this guy around....I'm from NJ I'll do it the Soprano way...LOL

Sending you my support and lots of HUGS.....Be strong. xo

YES YES YES to everything that's being said here. And remember to toss in a few buzzwords like "hostile work environment,", "threatening behavior," "bullying," "intimidation."

in other words, don't sugar coat this. But a word of warning, you will have to be strong throughout this - and as Kathology said, a therapist might help you cope. there's a chance that he'll move to the parking lot as well. If that happens, you can call the police.

We Joisey girls have attitude! and we're always willing to share it.

Originally Posted by moviegrl1737:
This is harassment pure and simple. Go to your human resources department. If they don't resolve this issue you have grounds for a lawsuit. You do not have to put up with a hostile work environment whatever size you are.

^^^THIS!

What he's doing is unprofessional and places your employer in a legal liability position. They are required, by law, to protect you from that type of behavior.

I tend to escalate slowly, so the first comment I might have looked at the guy and said, "Really? Did you just say that? That was completely inappropriate." The second time I would have said, "I've already told you those types of comments are inappropriate. If you make any more comments like that to me, I will report them." Then if there as a third comment, I would report it.

At this point though, the pattern is set. So if I were you, I'd report it. And you need to document these comments- time, date, who said it, who witnessed it. Also document that you reported it and asked either your supervisor or HR to address the issue. You may need this information later, in the event that nothing is done.

For the record, I think most employers take stuff like this VERY seriously. I had a guy in another company branch once tell me that he got a shipment in from our warehouse that was damaged and he blamed it on my warehouse supervisor. He said she was so fat she couldn't bend over to pick things up or put them down, so she must have dropped his package. EXCUSE ME? I let him know in no uncertain terms that he was wrong and that if I ever heard him say anything like that again I would report it to HR.

SHARMSLUV ~ it doesn't matter whether he is popular or not -- this is very UNprofessional conduct; and he is being very rude. The fact that he has continued this personal attack on you at work constitutes "harassment". I'm surprised no-one else has called him on his behavior by now. Don't you have any managers or supervisors in your office?

And please don't take this out on yourself! He is an ignoramus and I'm sure many of your co-workers feel the same about him, trust me. I would definitely keep track of his comments and if they don't stop, report them to Human Resources. I am positive they won't like it either -- one word from them and he may just stop it because he knows that it could affect his work record. A bad record is a bad record and can prevent promotions. As a matter of fact, the more he mouths off; any supervisors who hear about his conduct will not likely think well of him in the future. I'm surprised he is taking such a foolish career risk.

Now some people may say he must have low self-esteem himself, or more likely -- he may even have a crush on you. I've seen this before; some guys are just very immature when it comes to women. You know, bad attention is better than no attention at all. For example, the Blackberry comment doesn't even make any sense.

Why he is so concerned about your eating habits is a puzzle otherwise. You know, some idiots actually think they are helping you by making these nasty comments (that it will provoke you to lose weight). Take care of yourself for YOU. The guy at the gym was quite encouraging; listen to him.

I'm sorry you are going through this; I am praying for you that it will be resolved very shortly. In the meantime, hold our head up high and just plant a great big smile on your face -- that is the best revenge of all. :hug:

PS ~ Dee has a good point there: the next time he says something to you -- tell him exactly what she said below ...

Originally Posted by :
" ... those types of comments are inappropriate. If you make any more comments like that to me, I will report them."

Sometimes, that will put an end to it right there.

Oh my gosh!! I wish I found this website sooner!! Thank you so much for your support. I truly appreciate it. I'm almost in tears now. I always used to talk to my mom about these things and she used to get so mad at them. She always tells me "you are not fat, you are beautiful!" I know she means well but I tend not to believe her much coz it's her job to say those things right? After all, she is my mom lol..

The last time this guy spoke to me was two weeks ago. I stopped talking to him. Because of a particular incident. One of my co-workers said she is going to the gym after office and this jerk said

Jerk: "Hey, you know you guys, Sharmsluv should go to a gym!"
Me: (I got so angry, I turned to him and asked him) "How do you know I am not going to a gym?!"
Jerk: "Because I can see that you don't when I look at you."
Me: "How can you say that?! I wear baggy clothes. So you can't tell if I lost weight or not."
Another guy in the room: "You know Sharmsluv, when I skip dinner, I have noticed I lose a lot of weight that week." (I am sure he meant for me to skip dinner as well."
Jerk: Gave an 'you should listen to him' nod.

After that I stopped speaking to the jerk. Please don't hate me for what happened next, you guys :( The jerk tried to talk to me the next day. He came up to me and asked me "Are you angry with me?". I was so angry I just left the room in a hurry (plus I am an introvert who does not like confrontations). The next day he tried to get my attention by saying "Psst.. Psst!!" (Real gentleman, I know!! lol). I didn't even look at him. Then he turned to his 'Don't eat dinner friend' and asked,

Jerk: Hey buddy, why is she not speaking to me?
Jerk's friend: I don't know. You go ask her yourself!
Jerk: You know what, I think its better I stay put. Rather than go over there and get scolded. (For which everyone in the room laughed)

I didn't talk to him for two days. I felt bad (Idiot that I am) the next day and I brought some food for the room and went around offering it to people. When I went up to him and said "Hey! want some?" He just looked at the food and said "Uh, no thank you!" (In a very snobbish way). After that he does not speak to me and I didnt make an effort to speak to him either.

So now I don't have anything to complain about to HR. But it is so uncomfortable for me in the room. Hardly anyone speaks to me. I hate going to office now.

I am from Sri Lanka. And being overweight is "not acceptable". Being teased about it accepted. I used to like this guy in church who also liked me. His mom, who is usually nice, always makes comments about my weight. Around December last year I wore this red blouse to church and she said with a giggle that I look like Santa.

There is a supervisor in my room who the jerk is dead scared of. But when he is in the room the jerk behaves like an absolute angel. And even if he did make those comments when the super was around, I highly doubt he will take action because he LOVES him.

So since he does not talk to me or make any comments about me anymore, I can't go to HR.

Your encouragement has made me realize he is the ugly one and not me. And that means so much to me. Thank you so much you guys :hug:

oh geezz. sharmsluv. i thought you were in the US!!! I have no idea what the labor rules are in Sri Lanka - but I'd like to think that there's SOMETHING in there that would help you in this situation.

i'm glad you're feeling a bit better about your ability to deal with this idiot, though. be sure to continue to take steps to help yourself. and look for a new job, while you're at it.

You did get him to STFU! Good job!

You're working out regularly, you're smart enough to know that skipping meals isn't a good weight loss strategy, and you're probably doing other healthy things you haven't written on here about. You're doing well. Their arrogance and unkindness are reflections of their own need to feel important and their ignorance. (He really thinks he would be able to tell if you were working out, because you'd suddenly look different? :rolleyes:) Socially acceptable unkindness is still unkindness. If what they say and do isn't helpful to you, recognize that and try not to let it take up space in your head. Fill that space with knowledge about healthy living and supportive comments from people who really know and care about you (like your mom ;)).

Silence can work well as a response to stupid, critical comments. Even if they don't recognize how their words are inaccurate or inappropriate, it at least keeps you from getting sucked into their games. If they start bothering you again you could always point out their ignorance to them like you did before. If you wanted to, you could also tell them what you are doing. Like, "actually [Jerk], I have been working out regularly for [length of time]" or "That's an interesting idea [Dinner Skipper], but all the health literature I've read says that eating a healthy balanced diet is better for weight loss than skipping meals." However, since it's not their business AT ALL anyway and they may just use it as an excuse to criticize you more, that might not be a good idea.

At any rate, they sound like lousy coworkers. If you can get a transfer without going into the situation or you can find another job, take it. If you can't, just do the best you can and treat their comments as the ill-informed brain trash they are. And document anything they say or do that makes you feel harassed.

I cannot even fathom that an adult could act like that! It is just despicable. Don't let him feel bad about yourself at all. You are too beautiful to let some jerk bring you down!

Just so you know, cuz you said that this is really getting to you, the bully is ridiculously insecure. Further, while he is suffering from an inferiority complex to combat whatever it is of his that is lacking or subpar (i.e. his crayon penis), definitely report, document, and don't take the bullshit. Why change yourself for a boy like that? Rather: change him and make him cry and feel magnitudes crappier than he made you feel.

re:
 

Good that silence seems to be working...kind of. Yeah I don't know what kind of laws for harassment in HR there are.

Is it an American company you're working for by chance? Regardless of where you are if you are working for one of ours, you HAVE RIGHTS.

Just keep in mind, although no one is probably saying anything, I'm sure the rest of your co-workers think they're as big of jerks as we think they are.

.

Thank you so much everyone :)

@jiffypop - I really like my place of work and I don't want to change it. Therefore if this gets any worse I will ask for a transfer to a different client room :(

@theox - As you mentioned, if I tell them I am doing things to reduce my weight, it will only lead to them bullying me more. I'm am so sick of being around such human beings..

@wtfudge - Yes I think he has an inferiority complex too. Because when he was bullying me and bullying me I snapped and told him "Look at your tummy! Its as if you are pregnant!" (A lousy comeback, yes I know lol). He has a big tummy. Other than that he looks fine. He got so upset for this and he was asking the people in the room "Hey is that true? is my tummy that big?". For a few days after that he never mentioned my weight. But eventually he started again, which led to the situation I am in now. The funniest thing is that A@s of a man eats Fitness Flakes in the morning to lose weight and eats whatever treats that come our way during office hours! Hypocrite huh? Nobody bullies him about his eating habits but if I pick up a piece of cake, immediately come the comments "Oh my gosh! look at the size of her piece!" or "You shouldn't eat like that." My piece is the same size (if not smaller) than anyone else's in the room! And I don't eat sweets very often because it is a pain in the butt to work it off afterwards lol. If I crave a sweet at office I buy myself an orange and have that.

There is another guy in the room bullies me the same way. He is this coward who shoots his mouth off when our supervisor is out of the room but when someone approaches the door from outside he assumes its the super and runs to his seat. He is that afraid of him.

Last Friday I went to the ladies' to re-do my makeup and when I walked in he was talking to a couple of girls in the room. He had assumed it was our supervisor who is walking in but had realized it was me and this is how he explained it to the girls how he realized it was me and not the super (he thought I won't know he was talking about me.). "Oh, I knew who was coming into the room. Because when that person is outside the door that person covers the entire door with her body." (The door is 80% smoked glass so you can see if anyone is outside the door). I got SO angry I gave him the finger!! That is not the type of person I am and I do not like what kind of person these a@ses are turning me into. He was so shocked at my gesture and the girls were laughing away telling "damn good for you! you go Sharmsluv!" This same guy brought marshmallows to the room and asked me "why are you not having?" I said "no thank you." I'd rather starve than eat what they give me and be criticized for it.

I was thinking I will ask for a transfer this week if this gets any worse. I am a mess when I get home. I cry at night. At office I just listen to some music using my mp3 player because I have no one to talk to. I am losing weight and I don't need these jerks pulling me down. I wish I had co-workers like you guys :hug:

You are losing weight and soon these comments will stop. It is best you don't tell them you are dieting, because then they will have more to talk about.

If you have cake and other treats at home, don't eat them. Stick to your diet. Give the treats to the bullies and fatten them up as you lose weight. :devil:

Revenge is sweet. :D

A guy attempted to bully me the same way. Asked when my next prenatal appointment was. I immediately told him off and no other comments have been made.

You have to make it CLEAR that this will not be tolerated. If you let it happen it will keep escalating.
What kind of a man would treat a woman that way? You are beautiful and seem very sweet, don't let anyone tell you different.
People will only walk all over you IF YOU LAY DOWN FOR IT.

You shouldn't quit because he is a jerk! You need to stand up for yourself. What do you say in response when he is being a jerk?

I saw in the last update you posted that you gave him the finger and he backed off and was shocked... See? You can't let people push you around! HE should not have been shocked, he should EXPECT to be reprimanded for his rude words.

Sorry for all the capitalization but it just really makes me angry that people can treat one another like that and think it's ok.

You're a better person because they would have gotten a flat out "GFY" from me.

Absolutly report the harassment to HR and get them fired. What are they 15? Geez people are rude.

He is clearly a d!ck. He is trying to deflect his insecurities onto you. For some reason, he feels he needs to direct attention away from himself, and you are his target. You had said that you don't like confrontation, and he probably knows that, so he sees you as an easy target.

Keep up the great work and continue going to the gym. Soon, his audience won't be able to agree with him and laugh at you, because they will see for themselves that you are losing weight and looking great! His co-workers will see what an *** he is and stop laughing at the bully he likes to be.

Best of luck to you! :)

I'm glad you said something back. Keep it classy though. Got a cel phone? Next time whip it out and ask if they want to repeat the comment for your recording for HR. Calm, no insults, just holding him accountable for his nonsense.

Keep taking notes for HR, and if you want to transfer -- tell them the reason WHY you want to transfer. You are a good employee and you don't need to put up with a hostile work environment just because these guys can't manage to deal with their own insecurities! HR should wanna know about this nonsense.

GL!
A.

Thanks for your replies, fellow chicks :)

@MARLA26 - I just walked into office (it's around 10.00 am over here) and there is a treat in the room already! I used to crave the treats that were brought to the room but now they just disgust me. And the best part is they ask me "Oh what's wrong? are you okay?" when I don't eat the treats!! Such hypocrites. Yes I shall silently take pleasure when they gorge on the sweets :D

@Kay7jay - I don't know why we have such degenerates in our lives.. I am so sorry you went through such an unpleasant experience. I wish I had your confidence to tell them off. But I am very very shy. When they insult me I pretend I didn't hear them. My mom scolds me about this and says " You seem all tough on the outside but why don't you speak up for yourself?!". I try but I can't bring myself to do that. I need to get over my insecurities before I can confront anyone I guess..

@Jacks Big Mama - He likes to have the "spotlight" on him. He knows everyone thinks he is this real fun person to be around. And he helps poor people and all. He must think he is getting good 'karma' by helping the less fortunate. Thats why he likes to bug me and make everyone laugh.. They say every dog has it's day. I can't wait for mine :)

@novangel - Thank you so much :hug:

@astrophe - Yes I do have a cell phone. I shall take your advice :) believe me, if I go to HR about this, they are going to get every single horrible detail about what I have been going through..

Hi everyone

A short while ago while I was on a call the jerk threw a stress ball at my head very hard. He sits behind me and was with a bunch of the other roomies. I was not sure who threw the ball and for the jerk's sake I was praying it was not him. I asked one of the girl's in the room who it was and she said it was him and not to get into a fight with him. I got so upset that I started shivering with embarrassment. I called one of my good friends at work who knows about this issue and told her I want to speak to her immediately. When I met with her I just started bawling my eyes out. She told me not to get upset and not to show any reaction to what he says or does. She said since he is very popular in the office and has been here for longer the senior management may think I am overreacting.

I was thinking of mentioning this to the supervisor in the room instead of my supervisor. I have worked with the supervisor in the room for the past year and I know he won't tolerate such an uncomfortable work environment. But I don't know how to tell him all these incidents without looking like I am making a big deal of nothing. Can you please tell me how I should mention this problem to him. My friend told me not to get emotional in front of him and to be very professional. But I don't think I'll be able to hold back my tears.

The reason I am going to the room supervisor and not HR is because I feel that he will be offended that I didn't come to him first since this all happened in his client room and I didn't mention it to him.

Please tell me how I should proceed with this situation. I don't want to mention the jerk's name specifically. I just want out of the room. Is it okay if I don't mention his name?

plus the room supervisor was off for the day so he was not around for me to complain to him. I will do so first thing in the morning.

If you do have an HR department, I would take your documentations of comments/dates/times/witnesses and bring it to them. They will direct you as to when it is an appropriate time to involve your supervisor.
Just keep documenting.

I want to add that while I can understand your frustration and anger, your reaction wasn't professional. Just remember, you can be angry, but never stoop to his level. I'm not sure how lax your environment is (sounds very much so) but it's important to keep your composure in the workplace. Your actions will speak for themselves, just like his will.

:hug: I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.