I've never participated in one of these chat things before, but I have no one to talk to, and I feel like I'm starting to give up. I am 39, married, with two kids - 3 years old and 7 months. I have had clinical depression since I was about 11 or 12 years old. I have been on every medication known to Man. I have had ECT twice. At the moment I am reasonably well controlled by huge doses of Prozac and cognitive therapy (self-administered). During one of my worst bouts of depression, my weight went up to 210 lbs. I later lost 70 lbs, but gained a lot of it back. Before having my kids, I weighed 170 lbs. I now weigh 180. I've been an on-again/off-again runner for the past few years. Since the birth of my second child, I have not been able to get back to running. My first child is very "difficult" and high-energy. Between him and the baby, plus my husband working very long hours all the time, plus my depression, and nursing the baby, I just feel completely hopeless. I am so exhausted at the end of the day. I don't even have the energy for a shower. I often only get one shower a week. The dishes go undone, the laundry piles up. We live 1000 miles from the rest of my family, and I have no real friends here. I am alone. My husband is great in many ways, but he does not support my running. He does not want to watch the kids for me so I can go for a run. He says "oh, you're fine the way you are," which is nice and all, but doesn't take into account the fact that I absolutely HATE my body. (He did buy me a treadmill, but the only time I can use it is after the kids go to sleep, by which time I'm too tired.) After my last birthday, I decided to launch a "Fit by Forty" campaign. At first I was afraid to do it because I thought I'd fail and find out I am just fat and lazy. It seems now that I was right. I am just fat and lazy. Every time I get depressed or tired or frustrated or tense, I just eat everything in sight - especially sweets. I can easily eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting. And nowadays I am ALWAYS depressed and/or tired and/or frustrated and/or tense. I don't know what I expect posting this. I guess I'm just desperate for someone who has been there - and maybe someone who found a way out?

Hello BlueberryMuffin. I am glad you joined the forum and just want to encourage you that there IS hope. It does sound as if you are in a difficult situation; it sure would be nice if you had someone to help with the kids a bit to give you a break. You seem completely exhausted.

Also, you mentioned that you are on medication for depression. It is good that you are under medical care.

I haven't experienced the responsibility of caring for small children but I *do* have a tendency to let myself become overwhelmed when facing too much and just let it all pile up around me rather than coping with it. My best friend has taught me... and sometimes has to remind me... to make myself a LIST of the things that need to be done (I use Excel) and then mark them off one at a time. Even small things. Break it down into bite size chunks rather than trying to swallow the whole thing at once. It is a good feeling when you are able to mark something off.

Same with your health... don't focus on all the exercising, eating right, etc... start with one thing like watching your diet, which very much does affect the way we feel and our mental health.

Here in the forum, please check out this thread.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weig...ek-12-4-a.html

It has been helpful to me... we check in with each other every day and share what we have eaten, how we are doing, etc. There are many other good sections here, of course, and in time you will explore and find your places you are comfortable. But this can be a starting place for you. In fact I just came online tonight late because I was wanting soooooooooooooo badly to go get something to eat, which I do NOT need. So I shared with my cyberfriends rather than blowing it and chowing down.

Hang in there... you can do this!!!

First of all, welcome and I hope that joining gives you the support you are looking for. I have also lived in Texas (for about 2 years) and found it to be beautiful but I too felt very alone. I am not clinically depressed and really can't pretend to understand what you are going through on that end but I do find that if my house is a mess or there are things that need to be done like cleaning or dishes it does lead to anxiety for me. I have read that often times our environment can be a trigger for our moods. Also, with two what sound to be very active children, you might be missing out on an exercise opportunity. I don't know if you have any parks nearby but chasing them around, pushing them on the swings, lifting them, and other activities would be good exercise for you and for them. I know the 7 mos old might not be quite up to all of that but I imagine you have a stroller.

That said, you also need some time alone. Does your husband help with the children at all? I have a good friend whose husband helped very little because he had the opinion that he worked all day and she stayed home so she didn't really work. Too many times the partner who works outside (male or female) tends to forget that running a house and caring for children is more than a full time job. You really need to set some parameters for some you time. Certain days of the week for say a two hour block where he watches the children and you get to do what you want, running, shopping, laying in a warm bathtub... whatever makes you happy and is just about you.

Your depression probably also adds to your feeling of exhaustion. Sometimes it is just a matter of forcing yourself to make changes that will benefit you. I am no stranger that. I live in a complex with a very nice gym right across the parking lot for me - free to use whenever - and I have used it less than a handful of times in 3 years. My problem is I would prefer to be on the computer or watching television, even though I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would feel better (now and in the future) if I spend some time in the gym instead. I work graveyard and don't sleep well so I am often very tired, plus I am plagued with chronic health issues but in reality those are just excuses since I know that both would probably be helped by a regular exercise routine.

I of course am not suggesting that your exhaustion and depression are excuses but I do think you need to first of all find some time to set aside for yourself. Be honest with your husband, he needs to support you. Tell him that you appreciate him accepting you the way you are but you are not happy with it and would like to make some healthy changes. Good luck to you

Thanks, Misti and hlaoroo, for welcoming me and for your suggestions. It's nice just to hear from some people who understand how hard this weight-loss thing is, never mind all my other baggage! I do get quite a bit of exercise from hauling the baby around and playing with my toddler. If it weren't for that, I think I would weigh a lot more. I have a jogging stroller which I really need to get out and use, but the fatigue and depression have been holding me back. As for "me time," I really feel guilty asking my husband to help with that. He works extremely hard and has issues of his own. I take some time to read a bit at bedtime, which sacrifices some of my sleep, but sometimes it's worth it just to feel like I still have a functional brain. The baby is crying now... gotta go. Thanks again.

sorry to hear your having a tough time i think if you do start running in the house you will get into a new routine and you will feel better and less stressed it will be hard to start it if you are tired but one you start u will be fine xxx

I am so sorry you are feeling so down, you do have alot to deal with, that is for sure, the young children, the housework all on you. I also agree if you could tackle maybe one thing at a time, that might give you incentive to keep on. It is hard I know!! I didn't even have my kids as close together as you but still struggled during that time. There will be a day when you are able to conquer one thing..and you will remember that the next day..and hopefully keep on

Thanks, everyone! I'm already feeling a little better just having a chance to vent. Tomorrow I plan to take the jogging stroller out for a spin, although so far it doesn't look like the baby is going to let me get much sleep tonight.

Trust me when I say I know exactly how it feels to have every possible complication life can throw at you being hurled your way all at once. For most people, this happens occasionally, but is not long term, but for people like you and me, it's an every day uphill battle. I know exactly how you're feeling. I may not have children, or be married, but as someone who suffers from depression and has been afflicted with it for the last five years, I know how life's stresses can pile up when you don't have the capacity to deal with it.
Now, I'm going to let you in on a secret it took me years to figure out and helps me to cope with my feelings and stresses and take it a day at a time: feeling stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, angry (to the point of sometimes bordering homicidal, don't worry, I know), sad, lonely, anguished, tired and worthless is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
When you're in a state of mental instability with life's pressures building up around you sometimes the things that send us over the edge, ironically, are our own expectations of ourselves.
You need to give yourself a break, and the people around you.
I was in a rather bad place six months ago. I was overweight, depressed and suicidal. Dealing with my body image issues, my friends issues (which they always seem to dump on me), my mothers stressful mental illness, my fathers constant absence, my brothers disability and my grandparents sickness was too much to bear. Perhaps the only thing that kept me from killing myself was that I was only thing holding my family together. I took care of my brother, who needs a great deal of care, I cooked and cleaned when my mother was catatonic or just pissy, I entertained my family to distract from my fathers absence. It became so bad that I barely had time for myself any more.
Despite all this however, the thing that really pushed me to plan my first suicide attempt was that I would do all this everyday, feel like Saint Natalie, finally get to my room to go to bed, look at the mirror... and hate myself every time. I hated that I felt like such a good person on the inside, but it didn't reflect on the outside. I felt worthless, despite how important I was to my family and with no one to watch out for me, to see the warning signs, I planned and executed my first suicide attempt.
Luckily a man found me and took me to the emergency room and I was out of hospital the next day with a slap on the wrist. Perhaps the most disappointing thing was that my parents and brother never REALLY cared. It was at this point, at my lowest point, that I began to re-evaluate my life.
I realised that I couldn't base my decisions on whether other people cared or supported me, because I definitely didn't have that. If I was going to get better, the drive had to come from me. With all the odds against me I started simple. I got on medication for my depression, started counselling and saw a GP about my weight and what she would recommend.
Long story short, after a long mental battle that included months of therapy, two weeks ago I started Body Trim and have already lost 4 kilos (or 9 pounds).
My very long winded point is that if you're going to lose weight and be successful, you really have to deal with your mental demons./ You'll never get rid of the stress in your life. Sometimes we're just dealt with a crappy hand, but if you're in the best possible frame of mind when you start, you'll have an infinitely better chance of success.
I wish you well on your weight loss journey and know that you have a friend in me if you need it.
I hope you know you're not alone and I know I'll be seeing you at "goal!" forum =)
by the way, if it gets you more inspired somehow, I'm 18 years old and if I can do it with my minimal life experience, so can you!