Has anyone battled loneliness and being overweight? Lately it's gotten really bad for me. I've never had many friends, but the friends that I've had have been pretty close to me. But lately everyone is moving forward in their lives. They're married with kids and way too busy to do anything with me. And then because I'm overweight I don't feel as if I can meet new people. My self-worth is at an all time low. I think partly because every time I lose a little bit of weight I gain it right back through emotional eating.

I tried online dating for about a year and it's been a complete bust. I felt as if I wrote a good profile. I don't feel as if I'm repulsive, but I'm not very photogenic. I don't have many pictures taken of me because I hate seeing what I've turned into. Finally found a decent picture of my face that I posted. Every guy that I wrote to never responded, and the very few that contacted me were incredibly odd or scary. I tried an experiment and put a picture up of a more average looking girl. She wasn't a model. Just someone that was fairly pretty and skinnier. I only did it for a night because it felt wrong to lie about myself. But surprise surprise, in that one night I was inundated with contact requests on several sites. Apparently I need to look like someone else to get contacted. So online dating has pretty much compounded on my issues of feeling worthless. I wasn't looking to find the love of my life. I thought that at least I could find someone to talk to. Maybe hang out. But I couldn't even get that.

I am on a depression medication cocktail for mood disorder and depression. I don't really think it's doing anything although I guess that the depression is somewhat lessened when I'm on the medication. It definitely hasn't given me the boost of energy that I was hoping to finally get off of the couch.

So here I am back to the beginning. I'm going to cancel all of my online dating accounts/profiles. I need to find something that will boost my self-esteem, but I can't figure out what that is. I know that losing weight will definitely help, but I can't seem to find the motivation to stick with it. So I basically sit at home most of the time watching tv and wallowing in self pity. Anyone have any suggestions for how to break the cycle?

Try exercising. You could start walking or join the local YMCA. I find that whenever I am anxious, lonely, depressed, upset, or worried about a family member walking or exercising helps. Walking in a swimming pool is great to start with. Exercising will boost your self-esteem, calm you down, and sometimes motivate you to watch what you eat. I have become very friendly with a number of people I have met at the Y and often do things socially with them. Best of luck, YOU CAN DO IT ! ! !

I could have written this myself. I'm only just coming out of a bad patch, where I dropped out of university, I was then sacked from my job, I was 246lbs (my absolute highest was 266lbs) all my friends were moving forward with their lives and I had a disastrous run of online dates. Men would show interest, date me for a few weeks then dump me or they just disappeared. I did what you did, I cancelled all my online profiles, after deciding that I couldn't have a healthy, happy relationship if I didn't start loving me or my life first. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I'm now focussing on me, I have a new job, I'm halfway through my weightloss, and now I've got some money coming in I'm deciding what hobbies I want to do. What i'm trying to say is that things will get better for you, you've just got to take that first step to feeling better, which you've done by coming on here and talking to people who understand what you're going through. Its not easy, I've found it really hard to push past all the negative feelings that had accumulated, but once you start gaining confidence, gradually things will start going your way.

Maybe you could look into getting some counselling, it really helps to talk to someone who's objective and can help you deal with your issues, my sisters, my friend as well as myself have all found it really helpful.

As for the weightloss I was a comfort eater and I realised I had to shift the weight or I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life. In the first few weeks, it was h*ll, I thought i'd chew my own arm off because of the cravings, but as the scales started to go down it got easier for me. If you find a plan that you're happy with it'll be the same for you. I hope things start to look up for you soon. Let us know how things go xxxx

I've been where you are, no wait, I AM where you are! I recently cancelled my online dating profiles, too, because I realized the majority of men want a thinner woman; that's just the facts. Can't get around it. Depressing, but true. So, I've decided I have to lose weight before trying again. Hence, my re-joining 3FC for support. I am on a cocktail of drugs, too, and often lonely so I eat. But, one trick I've learned is to do things I like to do regardless of the fact that I'm large; even if it's as simple as going to a movie, getting my nails done, buying new shoes. I used to say I'll wait until I lose 10 or 20 lbs before I do this or that. Now, I just jump in and do it. I'm hoping that on those days, I'll get a little lift of self esteem and joy and not want to eat so much. It seems to work most times. So, maybe it will work for you. Good luck. I'll be struggling right next to ya! Hang in there!

I hate that feeling of isolation, like you're in a deep, dark valley, and the walls are just looming over you. I get so nervous about losing my friends that I sometimes forget to just make it work with the friends I *have*.

Dating sites are strange, and maybe the kind of man you're looking for wouldn't use one. (Or maybe you've decided that the only type of man that would possibly be attracted to you must be some sort of weirdo and not worth being with- that's a horrible vicious thought process that I've had in the past. As soon as a man was romantically interested in me, they seemed like a creep and I ran the other way!)

As for losing weight before a man will be attracted to you... Losing weight helps with confidence, and I really think that confidence is the key to romance, and not being small. There are many miserable small, attractive people that endure HELLISH relationships and are just as insecure as anyone else!

Maybe your weight loss and your loneliness could be helped by looking into interest-based group in your area? Meetup.com is a great way to find people that like to hike, walk, knit, read, or whatever you may like. If you're looking to broaden your circle of friends, I think that a place like that is an excellent starting point. Having something in common with someone besides the place you work or the class you're in just makes conversation SO much easier.

Anyhow, sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching! I've just spent a lot of time thinking about this stuff and how to put it in action in my own life, and these are the ideas I've found to be true, or work for me. I wish you luck in finding a better, broader support group and in losing weight and feeling confident!

I think deleting or deactivating your dating site accounts is probably a very good first step in improving your self-esteem. A random selection of guys on the Internet shouldn't be able to make you feel bad about yourself, so good for you for cutting them out of your life.

Instead of focusing on weight loss - which is complex and can be affected by things that you can't really control, like TOM, muscle recovery from workouts, illness, etc. - as a way to buoy your self-esteem, would it be easier to focus on the more concrete component parts of living more healthily?

For example, instead of saying something like "I'm going to lose 20 lbs. before Christmas," would it be less daunting (and more doable) to follow through on goals like the following?

"I am going to eat two servings of fruit or veg today."
"I am going to eat two servings of dairy products today."
"I am going to drink water with lunch."
"I am going to walk for 30 minutes today."

Those are concrete things that may require some mental effort on your part, but once you've put the fruit and cheese on your plate, filled your glass with water, and put one foot in front of the other for 30 minutes, they're done and you can watch TV or do whatever else you feel like doing for the rest of the day.

Remember - you don't have to be perfect.
Only had one serving of veg today? You had one serving of vegetables, when you could have chosen to have none. You ate better than you could have! Go you!
Didn't go for your walk? Tomorrow you get another chance to go walking!

Don't focus on all the things that you feel like you've failed at or aren't doing. Focus on what you are doing, and on what you can improve. This is what I did when I started, and I found it very useful mentally. I haven't used it recently, but this is how my weight loss journal is set up:

Date:
Weight:
Food: [everything I ate]
Exercise: [any activity I got that was beyond what I normally did, as well as any activity I chose to do when I could've made an easier choice (e.g., walking to work instead of driving)]
Other: [any other happenings that affected my day (e.g., a special occasion with food at work, an exceptionally strenuous day at work)]
What I did well today: [my good food choices, my good activity choices, anything else I did that made me feel good, such as reading ahead for a class or getting everything on my to do list checked off]
What I can improve on in the future: [how I might make better food choices if I didn't eat well that day, how I might be more active if I didn't meet my personal exercise goal, how I might manage school and work to be less stressed]
Thoughts: [random thoughts about the day, about how I felt about my activities, etc.]

Because I didn't dwell on the past or beat myself up when I made poor choices, and instead focused on the good choices I'd made and how I could make better choices in the future, it was easier for me to face the mental blocks and naturally occuring speed bumps on the road of weight loss and do what I needed to do to lose weight. Do you think something like this (not necessarily a journal like mine, just some tool to help you stay focused and positive) might help you?

Also, I find that being around people helps my mood just as much as exercising. Do you work or go to school? Are there any activities that you're interested in pursuing? Any charitable organizations you'd like to donate some of your time to?

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I am there myself so I really can relate to everything you've said.

I agree that getting out of the online dating scene is a good idea for now. If you're not in a healthy place in your life, you probably won't be in a healthy relationship either. I hate to admit it myself but I do think we do have to learn to love ourselves before someone else loves us the way we deserve.

I second Meetup.com as a great place to meet people. I joined a knitting group through it. I would suggest volunteering as well. No one cares what size you are when you're volunteering . . . it's all about the heart you put into helping those which are less fortunate.

I know that this is all easier said than done. When I talk to my best friend she always says "oh join a walking group, ask your coworkers out" etc. It's easy for her to say because she's never had this problem. For me, joining a group of strangers gives some super high anxiety. So, baby steps.

You will get better. You will overcome this and you will be a better person for it.

I'm so sorry to hear this. It really reminds me of me. I never joined an online dating site because it just wasn't my personality. I did go to a singles group at a church and my experience was really negative. It was like a meat market if you know what I mean. Of course, I realize these are just my personal experiences and there are success stories associated with those. How did I meet someone? Exercise just like someone else mentioned. I started walking, then power walking and then cycling. You don't have to be that physically fit to begin bicycling. I met up with a group and was able to ride with them weekly. I ended up training for a week long bike tour... I was supposed to do it with my 2 brothers but they dropped out, I went alone, and I met my husband! I used to tell people that they only way I would meet someone is if they showed up at my apartment as I'm not one for social events. I agree with the posters who say work on you! Don't connect your self esteem to how many friends you have or if you have a significant other....

i let my depression consume me to the point of complete isolation... i don't have any "real life" (i really hate the thinking that people and relationships online are somehow less than real) friends... i don't even leave the house for months at a time... i wasn't even aware how desperately lonely i was.

i reached some sort of pivotal moment in my life and made an active decision to try and change a lifetime of negative, self-loathing, depressive thoughts... i've reconditioned my thinking because i am the only one that holds the power to make my life better.

one thing i did that has been an unforeseen blessing, is i decided to try and do something nice for someone else... for no reason than just to be nice. i reached out to an (online) friend (someone i've known a long time, but really not very well) that i knew was lonely... i thought maybe it would make me feel better to just brighten someone's day.

but i ended up finding a great friend who has, surprisingly, probably ended up helping me more than i helped them by teaching me some important life lessons i needed to learn.

keep yourself open, honest and try and treat yourself with the same kindness you would someone else... you have found a good place here, where people want to help you and see you succeed and flourish... you can find friends here... and that is what you need... it's a cliché, but i think it's true... take the focus off of finding someone and put it on you... on mental and physical good health... and you'll attract good things. it's not a simple process... but you didn't get to the place you are overnight either.

Thanks everyone for the comments/advice. It really means a lot to get feedback. Although it sucks that there are others in the same state as me, it's also nice to have company. Misery loves company. :-) Seriously though, I think the comments to just get up and start moving make sense. I know that if I'm not happy with myself then it would be hard for others to see me in a good light as well. So here's to starting fresh again. Thanks again!

This is really hitting home for me too. Thank you for all the great comments and ideas. I have felt so lonely for a LONG time. I have been single and have not even dated in more than 15 years. I don't talk about it. I pretend it's because I don't need anyone. The truth is I gained alot of weight after going through a violent abusive situation and I just shut down.

Now, I have lost 60 lbs and have 80 more to go. I still don't fell confident. I do feel better health wise.

I have to agree, I LOVE walking and going to swim at the Y. I feel depressed when I don't and just have much better energy and feel optimistic after I MOVE.

True confession, there are still days I just want to stay in bed but I am not. I don't walk and swim everyday but should.

I do feel lonely as far as a relationship is concerned. But I do have so many wonderful girlfriends and people who I love and I know love me, no matter what my weight is.

Sometimes I just want the weight to go away FAST and that's when I feel really down or lonely. When I focus on taking care of myself, eating healthy, moving and calling or going out with a friend, I feel good. I don't feel lonely.

Friends and loved ones are SO important and it does not always have to be a significant other.

I agree, when I feel good about myself then I can think about "sharing my life" with someone. Right now, I need to be a bit selfish, take care of myself and the sharing will come when the time is right. :-)

I feel very alone, I'm not sure its the weight though. I have trouble making the tough choices and it seems like thats what everyone wants me to do lately.

I miss when things were simple.

Exercise definitely helps.

Also, medication for depression is not always the best route. As an overweight person who had a poor diet in the past and suffered from depression (and is still periodically down, especially about myself), I firmly believe that depression can be treated with proper diet, vitamin supplements, and exercise. Try taking niacin and eating a small handful (30gm or so) of cashews daily, as well as 30 minutes of some type of activity. Also, get enough sleep and on a regular schedule.

And, online dating might work 1/100000 times. It's a cesspool of losers, a lot of the men are there to get laid not find a real relationship (friendship or otherwise)

Can we please qualify this and say that *sometimes* depression can be treated with vitamins, diet and exercise. And sometimes it can't. Sometimes that just isn't enough and other options--including drugs and therapy--are worth exploring. Let's be open-minded and non-judgmental about mental health issues.

I totally get depression and weight issues. The last few yrs have been a real challenge for me and my family and sadly food was my coping device. I am working so hard to overcome both depression and my eating/weight issue. Throughout these last few years, we have also moved a bunch, including again, just 8wks ago. This makes it even harder for me, not knowing people or having excuses to get out.
I am currently on medication and can't imagine how much worse off I would be without it. I do agree for some that lifestyle changes can be enough, but for others, the chemical imbalance is just to much and medication is needed.
I wish everyone the best of luck in overcoming their depression and finding peace.