Sorry this may be quite long...

At the moment I am in the position that I simply can't face going out in public. I'm so embarrassed by the way that I look and I just don't feel like I have the right to go out and enjoy myself with friends or family. I feel like if I go to the pub, or a coffee shop, or the movies (or anywhere) that I am somehow ruining someone elses free time by being there.

My self image is not good, my self confidence is not good, but I'm desperately lonely.

I've always been very good at putting up a happy front and doing what was necessary to appear normal, but it is getting to the point that I can't even face looking at myself in the mirror.

Has anyone ever faced this in their life? how did you overcome it?

Self-hatred comes to people of all sizes for different reasons. I've been your weight, and I've been much higher, and how I felt about myself at the time didn't always have to do with my weight. I've hated myself as much at 160lbs as I did at 300, and I've loved myself at all different weights. It's easy to blame how you look for your problems in life, but in reality people of all sizes are happy, have friends and significant others, and enjoy life.

There's no easy way to come out of a self-hatred like it sounds like you're dealing with. I would suggest counseling and maybe a SSRI would be appropriate. I've found that counseling can be very helpful in allowing you to release pent up emotions and gain perspective on your life, as well as pushing you in the right direction with things you can do to be happier

This is going to be long, and potentially rambly, so please forgive me.

I've never really been a huge "public" person. Sure, I liked to do things with friends back in the day, but I was mostly content with staying in.

I became a little more social when I lost a lot of weight. It might've had something to do with more confidence, but I wasn't without confidence ever before that. I have to say a lot of it had to do with energy gained from the positive changes I had made.

...I set that up to say... when I gained back the 100 pounds I'd lost I was going through some really icky stuff mentally. I NEVER wanted to go out. I was back up at 327 pounds. I felt like a failure. I felt like anyone would see right through my fat clothes into the failure that I was. I didn't want to put myself through that. I didn't even like to go out grocery shopping. I was so low that I -didn't- go out at all for months at a time. I'm not exaggerating. I was a hermit.

I'm going to say here, even though I'm FULLY ashamed of it, that my weight kept me away from my family last Christmas. Yep. It was the first year in my life that I didn't go to Christmas... and it was because I felt like a failure.

That was the lowest point in...my whole life. There. I regret it. I admit it. I allowed myself to think that I was "too fat" to go see my own damned family. How selfish of me. How thoughtless and consumed. How wrong!

It wasn't even the being fat that kept me away. It was feeling like I hadn't really accomplished anything. That I wasn't proud of anything I was doing. That I had nothing to show, and nothing good to give. I'm getting upset just remembering how I thought those things about myself.

*deep breath*

I recognized what the problem was, I just wasn't ready to DO anything about it. The unfortunate vicious cycle of it was that I knew that exercising and eating better breed a positivity in me... but I didn't feel good enough about myself in order to exercise and eat better for another four months.

I can't even say what "flipped the switch". Only that one day I saw I was about 5 pounds from my original high weight, and it was as though a portion of my brain screamed at myself "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?"

And this is where I am grateful for having lost weight in the past and knowing what it takes: I told myself I would make a couple small changes and no matter what I'd just stick with those. Didn't matter what happened. I would just stick with those small changes.

The first week I began adding in activity, and tracked my food.

Gonna be honest again. It was piddly. Walking 5 minutes a day on the treadmill. Tracking the entire box of Cheez-its that I ate in one sitting. Didn't exactly scream "lifestyle change" to me.

But, I knew what I needed in order to feel good about myself, and that was the positive reinforcement. That meant that every time I did ANYTHING good, I overpraised myself.

That five minute walk? I wanted to throw confetti at the end of it, I was a super marathon runner.

That box of Cheez-its that I ate and tracked every bite? I might as well have been named Time's Woman of the Year, because of the mental party I had about how successful I was.

That first week I was a changed woman. Well, in some ways. By the end of the week I actually wanted to go out. Now. I didn't want to go out to be seen, but rather I wanted to go grocery shopping so I could make even healthier choices the following week. I still had a purpose. I had a goal.

Before... I hadn't been proud of myself. I was ashamed, and lonely, and depressed.

Now... I'm not going to say I have a perfect track record, but I created something to be proud of myself for. I'm going to tell you that overpraising myself has become a little bit of a fun project. ANY healthy habit is subject to positive talk.

Did the dishes? I'm a superstar!

Did the laundry? Do a victory dance!

Take the trash out? Put my arms up like I'm winning the Olympics!

And, yes. I'm fully aware of just how ridiculous this sounds. But, it works for me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I like liking myself. People whom I interact with are lucky to speak to me... just in the same way that I'm lucky to speak to them.

Where did it start? Finding... no... creating a reason to be proud. Making it foolproof, and catching myself with any negative talking to turn it around. Example: "I should've done more exercise." Response: "Psht. Remember when your only exercise was opening the fridge door? Yeah. I remember. This walk was great, and you know it."

I suppose I'm winding down in my thoughts.

TL;DR - I recognized what would make me feel better about myself. And this will vary, but mine was movement and keeping up with the housework to start. I use positive mental self-talk every day. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS RIDICULOUS.

And more .

I know how you feel, even at my lighter weight.
I'm 20, can't stand going to the beach, hate going out with friends, and absolutely loathe large social gatherings (with both friends and family).
I've felt this way for a long time. But something clicked a few weeks ago... that no one else can change the way that I feel - only me. And as shallow as it may seem to link my own sense of self worth with the way I look & feel, I know that if I don't do something, I'm going to enter my 30's upset that I wasted my 20's feeling horrible about my self, the same way I felt when I turned 20 and realised that I have wasted my teenage years.

So far, I've only lost 4kg (fingers crossed for 5 by the end of this week), but already I feel slightly better. Not enough that I'm comfortable walking into Sportsgirl and trying on a pretty summer dress, but enough to go out last Friday night and feel slightly proud of myself - not just because I had lost a bit, but because I was doing something about it.

So like what Lovely said, the fact that you're actively doing something can make you feel better.

I hope you start to feel better soon!

I've had to restart this process a number of times, and I've often found baby steps at the beginning build the success mind set that really kicks in and helps to make big changes in the long run.

I know there are times I've started with just taking my vitamins every day. And then I've moved on to drinking more water and tracking my food.
Once you start to focus on the good things you are doing, it's very motivating to want to do more.

Thank you Lovely for sharing your story.

Yay for Lovely...
She's inspirational for anyone, any size.
All good things are worth celebrating. No matter how tiny.
Everyone wants to celebrate something!

Lovely's story is GREAT, and one I relate to for sure.

I experienced having those feelings and hiding out is a self-perpetuating cycle. The more I stay in and focus my thoughts on how "awful I look," etc., the less I want to go out.

Don't deprive yourself of friendship and time with family because of a fear of how COMPLETE STRANGERS may react. Yes, I've had my feelings hurt by comments, but the truth is that it's more of a bad reflection on whoever made those comments, not on me. And I'm not saying if you go out you'll face that without question, but just to think that scenario through if that's one of your fears.

Go out and do stuff, and the more you do, I think the easier it will get. That initial scary bump is the hardest part.

PS I took a trip to Paris when I was close to my highest weight, and had a couple of things said to me because of my size, but that was the most amazing trip that I will always remember.

I think there’s a big difference between low self-esteem and low self-worth. Low self-esteem makes us avoid situations that are potentially embarrassing. Low self-worth makes us feel we don’t deserve to be breathing the same air as all the ‘normal’ people out there. I worry when I see someone saying they’ll ruin another person’s time just by showing up. You have to fight that mentality tooth & nail!

Just talking about it is a good step. It’s like an infection: lance it, examine it, treat it, try to make sure it never happens again. My hubby said something to me once that really resonated: no one is as critical of you as you are of yourself. So true! And I’m guessing that same could be said of you… after all, have you ever been in public and seen a clearly obese person, or someone with bad acne, obvious disfigurement, etc., and thought, “ew, gross! I can’t finish my burger now that I’m sitting across from THAT!”

I bet not. (and if you have, we need to be having a totally different conversation)

The world is as full of compassion and love as it is of a**holes. Embrace the former and pity the latter. But above all else, cut yourself some slack. Because nine times out of ten, the only one showing up to crucify you is.. sadly… you.

i have gone so long without so much as stepping foot outside my house that once, several weeks ago... i was forced to go to the dmv and as i was putting on my shoes... realized i couldn't remember the last time i had worn shoes.

being paranoid and narcissistic has kept me from going outside except when absolutely i have to... (in my head) i know everybody is looking at me, making judgements about me, laughing at me, ridiculing me... for how i look.

in addition... i dread going anywhere with my husband because he is naturally super skinny and i know (again, in my head) that they are making fun of me... being a human version of jack sprat...

probably closer to the truth is that most people don't even look at me... being naturally wrapped up in our own lives... i probably give myself way too much credit for being in other people's thoughts.

but i have also noticed that on those occasions i am forced outside... i feel a little more human and better about having done it. that einstein fella had a point about bodies at rest and motion... and we all need to spend more time in motion... just try and remember the goal... you do deserve the right to participate in life... your health and well-being need to take priority over those feelings of inadequacy...

Thank you all for your posts. Much appreciated.

Very good advice. For those of us struggling with weight-related depression, the task of taking it off seems insurmountable, we feel defeated before we even start. Starting small with less demanding health goals builds momentum. I need to remember this.

Good luck, best wishes to the original poster. I can relate completely.

Dear Always,
You are such a lovely person. Why dont you make mini goals for yourself. Like at such and such lost I will go for a cup of coffee at the coffee shop.
You are beatiful and it would be a shame to not get out. You never know what new friends you will make. I wish you well and hope you will be soon putting up pictures of new adventures.

I relate to all of these. I too avoided my family and sat home alone in my dark apartment on christmas because i was so embarrassed to be seen. I avoid meeting up with friends. I am embarrassed to go the grocery store so I drive to a store 45 minutes away so I can shop anonymously. I do think we all give other people way too much credit thinking WE are in their thoughts... i mean most people don't spend their time judging and critiquing us we truly are our own worst critics. Just know that you are not alone with struggling with these feelings. I am going to the doctor next week to get on medicine to deal with some of these thoughts. Hugs!

I can totally relate. I started a similar thread. I find that I limit my activities because of my weight. Either because I physically don't think I'm up to the task or I feel like I will be judged that I'm not physically up to the task. And on top of that I don't want to see the looks in peoples eyes (that I'm probably imagining) when I walk in the room.

But recently I've just become angry. Angry at myself and my situation. I've let myself get into a state of bitterness and lonlieness such that I won't let anyone else into my life. It's also caused a lot of health issues. I'm so mad that for years I blamed other situations for the state that I've gotten myself into when it actually was only me. So now I'm trying to feed that anger into doing something about it. I'm working on changing things so that one day I will be proud and anger free. But until then it's a struggle for me every day to remember why I need to continue down this road of losing weight and getting healthy.

I remember this episode of friends (my favorite all time show). Monica had her credit card stolen and tracked down the woman who had stolen it. She found out that the women (calling herself Monica) was doing all sorts of activities that the real Monica would never have done. I realized that I want to be that person (minus the identity theft). I want to be the person who can just go to different activities with no fear of judgement. And maybe, hopefully, I'll get there some day. And maybe one day you will too. But until then keep plugging away at the things that will eventually make you happy. Good Luck!

What an helpful thread. I've also struggled with this issue on and off for most of my life, and at many weights, but I've finally gotten to the point where it's only an issue on an extremely off day. I've also tried to build up my self worth and confidence by setting small but challenging goals for myself and then completing them. The trick is to make sure these goals are things you can accomplish, and have a long term plan as well as short term goals.

Sometimes too, when I'm having a really bad day and even being on a public street is torture, I realize that I'm almost objectifying myself, or assuming I know how other people see me and imagining myself through their eyes. The key for me is to remember how nice it is to be able to simply exist, no pressure, and that other people are just existing as well. They are no better or worse than I am. I shouldn't assume that I know what other people are thinking. Sometimes I feel that it's a sign of being almost disconnected or trying to please others at the expense of my happiness, and bringing the focus back on what I want helps me regain perspective. It sounds almost existential (ha), but remembering that I am me, not them, and I have a right to do what I like as long as I'm not hurting anybody is refreshing. You don't have to be perfect to co-exist with other people.

That probably sounded strange, but I wish you the best. If I were in your area I'd definitely go get a coffee with you. You seem like a nice person