I just started my weight loss journey for the what seems like millionth time yesterday. Lately, I don't know where to turn. I feel alone. I know it's depression again.

My bf and I moved in together a few months ago when I realized that this is the man I want to spend my life with. Since then, I've had lots "bad" happen. I was terminated from my job over false accusations, my due date from my miscarriage approached, medical problems with my parents, custody issues with my nieces and more. As this occured, I quickly packed on weight. Almost twenty pounds since April actually. But what took it to far was laying down tonight. My bf and I have been sleeping under different covers for awhile now. I allowed him to cuddle for the first time in awhile, but as he held me he started crying. He burst out and let me know everything. I don't like being touched anymore. I push him away when he tries to touch me or be intimate. I don't even wanna kiss him a lot because I know it leads to more. He doesn't understand any of this. I don't understand all of it. Those last twenty pounds just cut it off for me.

I weighed in on Saturday night at 257.9. In eighth grade, at my heaviest ever, I weighed 258. Those days were the worst days of my life. I hated myself. I did drugs. I took diet pills. I starved myself. Anything that could make me lighter, i did. I got down to 167 pounds. To see that number again, scares the **** out of me. Makes me wonder where i'm gonna turn this time. I'm happy with him, i'm just not happy inside of myself. It's impossible to explain this. I grew up with him, so he knows my struggle but he's had a different life. He weighed almost 400 pounds when he graduated just 11 months ago. Now he weighs 280 pounds. He eats horribly and works out once a week. He doesn't get why I get upset. I eat healthy, work out a few times a week, and gain weight. He eats pizza and donuts and hot dogs every day, workouts once a week and the weight falls off. I can't make myself come to terms with this. I get extremely upset with myself for not being able to accept this and just work a little bit harder. I want it to come easy.

The only thing I can think about when he even tries to touch me anymore is "how would that look jiggling in the mirror?" or "I have enough meat for six villages to feed on." I can't look at myself the same. No matter how dressed up I get, I still don't feel beautiful enough. He tells me I am.

I just want to hear the negativity. It almost brings me up to hear that i'm ugly or fat, it makes me feel better that somebody is just honest with me even though I know the truth. Deep within, I know the deal.

I also know i'm trying. And I wish that people around me could see it. I can't talk to anybody without them telling me i'm not doing enough or i'm not worthy enough.

I just wish I was back to 175 pounds. I want a magic pill.

I want my happy ending.

Hey there girl,

I get you..I get you 100%.. I myself have been there..all my life in school..in life..wanting my magic pill, desperate attempts to do things that are dangerous to get down to as low as i possibly can.. And yes, i even have those feelings about my hunny and not wanting him to touch me cause of all the fat on my tummy jiggling around and if i can be so blunt as to say " i dont even want sex" cause im so uncomfortable in my own skin..

But look at you...your at 258...you are way closer to your goal then me..Im almost 300 pounds!

Losing weight has nothing to do with being worthy enough and it has nothing to do with not doing enough. At the end of the day, the only thing you have to truly ask yourself is "Have you given it your best" Cause as long as you have given it your best today..thats all you can do..and then tommorow will be another day to give it your best..and some days you wont want to give it your best..some days you would rather eat a bag of chips or not go to the gym..and i understand that..we are human..But we need to keep focussed and keep our held high..But one thing i will encourage you on..and i even have to try doing this too...Allow the one person who loves you the most..to keep loving you..Because we need to be loved..Love will get you through a multitude of things.. isolation gets us nowhere..

Anyway..i hope girl that you stay positive and dont give up..

Thank you. Wishing you luck as well.

It just sucks to feel this way. At one point we were soo close. And i'm pulling away and I know i'm not giving him what he needs. A relationships both peoples needs and i know i'm taking that from him. I'm trying to let him love me, but its hard when you can't find love for yourself.

Thank you. Wishing you luck as well.

It just sucks to feel this way. At one point we were soo close. And i'm pulling away and I know i'm not giving him what he needs. A relationships both peoples needs and i know i'm taking that from him. I'm trying to let him love me, but its hard when you can't find love for yourself.

You sound like you have a lot on your shoulders.

Do you take a multivitamin? I know that sounds simplistic, but this is something you can go out and get TODAY, right this MINUTE! You do not have to wait longer then getting to a store. Here's some to think about.

http://depression.about.com/cs/diet/a/vitamin_2.htm

Next, have you seen your doctor about depression? You sound like you also have some self esteem / body image mixed in there with it. Get checked out and do what you need to do to get on the road to healing.

GL!
A.

I take a vitamin everyday with my lunch.

I've been to the doctor. She tells me what I already know. I don't want to get on an antidepressant because I have a lot of control issues with "overdoing" addictive things. I have an easily addictive personality as it has ran in my family for a long time.

I do have a lot of issues with self-esteem and body image. I want to be 80 pounds lighter like I was, and as i've come along, it's getting easier to accept that i'm not there and won't be for quite awhile. But i'm not there yet. I think it's because I don't have any support. My familys all big and overweight. They don't believe in healthy. So i've been alone. Joining this forum was the best thing I've done in a long time! I finally feel i have somebody to talk to!

Sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Does your insurance cover counselling?

I don't have insurance. I lost my job a couple months ago, and all the benefits to.

I know how you feel when it comes to your bf. I feel the same way sometimes, especially because my DF likes to make my butt jiggle, which then makes everything else jiggle and that makes me feel like ****. No advice, but just wanted to tell you that I know what you're going through.

I agree with what everyone has said so far. Healing yourself from within slowly starts to reflect how you feel and see yourself on the outside. Think skinny, be skinny. Sounds easy, but the more you look at your body as being an ugly and hideous stepchild that you'd like to disappear, the deeper you're going to fall into the mental red zone, and never lose weight.

We're all at a point that we're not happy with. Also, if your bf has been around for a long time and hasn't left yet...that is a TREMENDOUS saying about his character. No one doesn't like to be around someone that continually is down, especially men! So, be happy knowing that you have someone that truly does love you. I don't weight as much, and I don't even get called beautiful every day! =]

There's no miracle pill, but the faster you start, the quicker you're there...and we're not getting any younger. So cheer up and take it one step at a time. Before you know it, it'll be effortless, but you have to do it for you and you alone or you'll never keep it off.

My heart goes out to you...i just got out of a 7 yr depression..i know the pain you are feeling. your time will come when you mean something to yourself and your completely living for YOU. I'm happy you have your husband for support, but maybe he could not eat junk foods in front of you. i couldnt imagine standing my ground with junk food around me. i would say love yourself the way you are but i know you wont believe so i really hope you are able to lose the weight and gain whatever you are missing to make you happy. God bless

There is no happy ending--not because there is no happiness, but because there is no ending. Being healthier, and that includes being thinner if we're carrying excess fat, doesn't end until we croak. So instead of focusing on that "happily ever after" goal, focus on doing better. Every healthy decision you make brings you a step closer to a fit body. Every pound you lose is a cause for celebration. Every time you focus on what YOU do--not what he does, because frankly some men have it easy--you should count it as a good day.

Please don't shut yourself off from your guy, though. Healthy relationships need physical closeness, not just sex (although ideally they'll have that too). Why focus on what your body looks like when it's how it feels that matters more when you're hugging? Scratch all the negative appearance-related words that you might use on yourself and replace them with tactile words. It may sound odd, but simply re-casting your body in a new light and appreciating what it does well can make you like it more. Appreciate your ability to give and receive love, to touch and be touched; we need touch to survive just as we need air and water and food.

Yes, some people have it easier when losing weight. No, it isn't fair. Yes, it's frustrating to live in a household with someone who can eat a whole freakin' pizza and not gain while you have to be abstemious and diligent. But we've just got to get past that in the same way that we got past wanting to be astronauts or ballerinas or Olympic athletes when we grew up.

Believe me, I feel that bitterness and foot-stomping "It's not fair!" attitude occasionally; I'm 5'2", and I know that if I were your glorious height, I wouldn't have nearly as far still to go. You know those signs in front of apartment buildings that you can read from the interstate: "If you lived here, you'd be home right now?" Yeah, if I were six feet tall, I'd already be done. But it can't be helped. I can't grow any more, nor can I develop a super-fast metabolism that'll burn everything off in no time (I have a hypoactive thyroid that is sluggish even with medication).

You say you don't feel beautiful enough. Beautiful enough for what? Are happiness, contentment, laughter, pleasure, and sexual satisfaction reserved only for those who are "beautiful enough?" You already deserve these things; you are already "beautiful enough" to have them--and not just occasionally, but as often as you want them. There is no magical line over which you will pass and suddenly transform into being "beautiful enough" to enjoy life, so why not get a head start and get more un-self-conscious enjoyment of it now?

You can't make yourself lose weight any faster than your body will let you, but you can approach your self-image from two directions at once and make it seem twice as fast. If you lose five pounds a month, those pounds will feel like fifteen pounds lost if you also work on feeling beautiful. Nourish your physical self with healthful foods and nourish your emotional self with kindness.

You'll feel brighter and healthier and more energetic with only a few pounds down, I promise you. The "during" feels good too, not just the "after" of weight loss. Instead of looking all the way at the "happy ending," enjoy the optimistic beginning and the confident middle of your weight loss. It all feels good if you let it.

I feel for you and wish you the very best. Please keep posting here and let us know how you're doing. It won't be easy, but it'll be easier than you think.

Shish - I hope you as well can learn to overcome this feeling and feel better to yourself.

Skyofstars- He's getting better about not eating junk food in front of me. I'll even cook healthy meals soemtimes and hes willing to eat it with me. I'm getting used to the fact that he needs more food than me, so he can eat extra, while i can't. And thank you for the encouragement. i try to love myself. It's just hard after hitting that "bottom" point in your life, returning back to the unhappiest moments.

Aries- You're right. He has stuck around and watched me as I gained the weight, and told me every single day that i'm beautiful. and i'm extra grateful for that. I'm trying not to push him away. I push myself. Because Ik he shouldnt have to suffer. I know that its something not everybody has. It's just an inside struggle to see the number on the scale reach that high again. I don't know how to "think skinny." I've been overweight my whole life. I can remember in fourth grade weighing 140 pounds, when everybody else was 75. Growing up, even my mom and siblings would call me fat My dad was the only one who tried to save me from the pain. He was also one to tell me how beautiful I was and how I could do so much in my life. Everybody had names for me. Girls in school would purposely try to trip me, and one girl actually ripped my pants one time on the first day i ever wore them, then told me to lose weight and buy new ones. It's always been that same struggle inside of myself, back and forth, listening to what others have said. It still taunts me to this day. I don't know how to block it out.


Nola- Thank you for the support, and also thank you for opening my eyes up a little bit. You're absolutely right. There is no "happy ending." It is a lifeling journey. I just feel like when I hit my goal weight, it'll be a much happier me. It'll be where nobody has ever seen me. But as the weight goes down, i'm going to work on feeling better about myself, looking in the mirror without the critiquing myself, and being close to the bf. I don't feel "beautiful" when I look at myself versus when I look at my "skinny" pictures. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, even though he loves me for who I am. I want to do that foot stomping attitude every time he eats that pizza! But I have control. It's not hard for me to eat healthy or work out. It's just hard to accept that it doesn't come easy, that it is hard as heck for me to lose weight, and keept it off. This time, i'm going to be a maintainer when I get to where i'm going. I'm gonna do it!

P.S. I weighed myself this morning, day three and i'm 3 pounds down. That is a great feeling. Just a couple more pounds and i'll be back to the 240s, where I was just last month. Thank you all for the support and the different views to look at. I appreciate it all. It feels great to have somebody there for me!

Ugh, girls at school and family. I can relate to that too. My mom still calls me bubble butt and I once heard some girls in high school saying they'd wish I'd just kill myself. I don't think I'll ever forget that.

keller, I have been where you are mentally. Its not a fun place. The best thing that I have done for my weight loss so far is too change my attitude and my way of thinking. Your life is going to be the exact same as it is now when you get to your goal weight if all that you are trying to change is a number on the scale. Does that make sense? It was hard for me to grasp too. I just imagined that being thinner makes everything better. But it doesn't. Unless you work on all the other issues and overcome them. And the good thing about that is sometimes weight can be stubborn but feeling better about yourself, about your relationship that can happen so much quicker. I urge you to read a book called When Woman Stop Hating Their Bodies. You are a wonderful, beautiful person, and it sounds like you have an amazing man. You are worth it just as you are now.