I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but I wanted to post to give you some moral support. I'm in a similar mental state. I put on 40lbs very rapidly and my boyfriend doesn't understand why I refuse to be naked in front of him. I let him cuddle with me only if I have most of my bare flesh covered. And he doesn't understand when I shy away if he (even accidentally) touches my stomach. I know he loves me no matter what size I am. I am currently working on my body image and self esteem in order to help our relationship.

Wishing you success on your journey!!

Oh sweetie, you sound like you've been having a h*ll of a time of it. No wonder you're feeling miserable.

Re antidepressants: I'm trying to work out how having an addictive personality would be a problem. Anti-anxiety meds, yes, obviously there is potential for addiction with Valium and such, but does this apply to the antidepressant group, SSRIs or what have you? Could you perhaps come to an arrangement with the doctor where they dole out a week's worth of pills at a time, if you're worried you might take too many? It's a hassle, but it's actually done quite commonly, for instance with people who are a suicide risk, and it worked well for a friend of mine. I know we all fear antidepressants but they can be absolutely fantastic things. And with the state of mind you describe, not taking medication might well be a greater risk than taking medication.

As for your boyfriend, is there any way you can access couples counselling? Failing that, are there any decent self-help books/websites on the subject you could try? I'm thinking that a book or website which deals with sex therapy could be useful for the pair of you, since you're having difficulty with all physical contact. It doesn't matter that you're not interested in sex right now, the same principles apply to all physical intimacy. (Incidentally, my partner and I are great fans of cuddling, and feel seriously deprived unless we get at least half an hour morning and evenin plus random snuggles during the day. Cuddling is great stuff and there is no reason why it has to turn sexual, even if you haven't had sex in ages.) He's obviously a loving, gentle soul, and it sounds like you feel safe with him, so that's a great starting point. Perhaps negotiating exactly what level of physical contact you feel happy with for the time being would work, such as gentle cuddles, fully clothed, and with certain areas of your body off-limits? Or even just watching TV together with an arm around each other, or very basic hugging. You are in control, remember, you can stop at any time, and indeed you can even have practice sessions where he gives you a hug, you say no, he stops, and you get used to being able to stop things before you get uncomfortable.

Eso: It's the way I think when it comes to antidepressants.. If it can so to say numb the pain by taking more, thats what I do. That's what i've done in the past anyways. I'm trying to get myself in a different mindset but its so hard when you know what they can do for you. I don't mind some pyshical contact, I can hug and kiss, its just being touched in my "problem" areas like my stomach or my thighs. After reading your response, Together we've agreed on boundaries, and it's much help! That way i'm comfortable and he's still getting that physical part to our relationship.

Shish- That's harsh. its sad tats how society is but it truly sucks holding on to those memories. Sometimes it helps me to makes me go a little faster on the treadmill or eat a few less calories to remember those hurtful things. I never want to feel that way again, as I did right after girls said stuff.

Abby- makes perfect sense! Just a hard thing to grasp. Thanks for the advice though. The next time I look in the mirror, i'm gonna try and start by telling myself one thing thats truly beautiful or that I love. ****, let me start now. The one thing I love is my eye color! I have one little brown dot and hazel colored eyes that makes it truly unique =] I'm also going to look into that book. Haven't had much time lately!

Weigh in on Monday- after one week. feeling nervous and anxious! Hope the number has dropped!