Oh sweetie, you sound like you've been having a h*ll of a time of it. No wonder you're feeling miserable.
Re antidepressants: I'm trying to work out how having an addictive personality would be a problem. Anti-anxiety meds, yes, obviously there is potential for addiction with Valium and such, but does this apply to the antidepressant group, SSRIs or what have you? Could you perhaps come to an arrangement with the doctor where they dole out a week's worth of pills at a time, if you're worried you might take too many? It's a hassle, but it's actually done quite commonly, for instance with people who are a suicide risk, and it worked well for a friend of mine. I know we all fear antidepressants but they can be absolutely fantastic things. And with the state of mind you describe, not taking medication might well be a greater risk than taking medication.
As for your boyfriend, is there any way you can access couples counselling? Failing that, are there any decent self-help books/websites on the subject you could try? I'm thinking that a book or website which deals with sex therapy could be useful for the pair of you, since you're having difficulty with all physical contact. It doesn't matter that you're not interested in sex right now, the same principles apply to all physical intimacy. (Incidentally, my partner and I are great fans of cuddling, and feel seriously deprived unless we get at least half an hour morning and evenin plus random snuggles during the day. Cuddling is great stuff and there is no reason why it has to turn sexual, even if you haven't had sex in ages.) He's obviously a loving, gentle soul, and it sounds like you feel safe with him, so that's a great starting point. Perhaps negotiating exactly what level of physical contact you feel happy with for the time being would work, such as gentle cuddles, fully clothed, and with certain areas of your body off-limits? Or even just watching TV together with an arm around each other, or very basic hugging. You are in control, remember, you can stop at any time, and indeed you can even have practice sessions where he gives you a hug, you say no, he stops, and you get used to being able to stop things before you get uncomfortable.
Last edited by Esofia; 06-23-2011 at 01:07 PM.
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