Hope everyone is doing well. I am doing pretty good. Trying to be a little kinder to myself.

vermontmom, glad things are going well.

hey everyone, glad to report things are ok, this week i have been keeping myself busy at work and at home to take my mind of all the crap thats going on.
tonight i had a real discovery, i have hormone injections to delay menopause i had my cervix removed in 2004 and menopause kicked in so i have had injections to keep it at bay any way i went to the docs 2 weeks ago for my jab and they said i was 2 weeks to early, i knew it was wrong but i didnt push it as i wasnt 100% today I came on my period, and this should not have happened as the hormones stop this, i normally get the bloating but noting.
These last 2 weeks have been a nightmare, i really think all the **** i have been feeling is down to not having the jabs. i am having it on thursday and hopefully that will make me feel better.
The medical care is so crap they see BDP 1 on my record and put it all down to that not anything else, i am so angry that they missed this one thing and i nearly ended up dead
I know i need mental help but this could have been avoided with one injection makes me sick!

Thank you so much everyone caring and kind words, i hope this is the turn around and i can continue to get better. pills work to a point but nothing can stop the force of hormones, i love my children and would hate to think of them without me but when i get in to what i can a bdp trance nothing matters but me and not wanting the pain anymore.
Sorry for unloading this i had to tell someone xxx

MARIE-WOW....i am so sorry things have been like that.....that is scary....people sometimes dont get people when they feel suicidal.. honestly you don't think about anyone or anything other than wanting it to all go away or to get out....so I get what your saying!!! Hopefully that will get better and you not have anymore episodes!

Vermont-still looking for the penny gonna call the dr cause we haven't found it but he has been checking it so he coulda missed it I was gagging and couldnt handle it... beach was great and relaxing!

hi to everyone else...

I ended up gaining 5 lbs at the beach even though I walked EVERY night for several miles on the boardwalk. (ocean city, md). It was kinda depressing because I was old and fat with all those young skinny kids....just bugged me...got called a fat a$$ (by a fat kid no less)...but on the plus side I had to buy a bathing suit and the one I liked only had it in a large 12/14 so I tried it on and it fit!!!!!!!!! A lil tight but I figure it will last the summer since I will be losing weight all summer. I am hoping my weight is water gain cause I didnt drink the normal amount of water and wasn't craving it at the gym today so that means I havent drank enough! We will weight again tuesday and see how that goes!! lol

Beach was nice but I am ready to get back to normalcy!

have a good week all!

Hey everyone!
My exams are going great for once My apetite is still down the drain but I just keep forcing down whatever nutrients I need and stop thinking about it for now.

Marie, It seems like you are between a rock and a hard spot. I really hope you will find a way out somehow. I really wish I knew how Remember though that your kids will surely miss their home less than their mother if something happens to you. Damn, I hope you'll be ok.

AuntyJam, I hope your economics get stabilized in the near future. I know what its like to barely scrape by and it was a major factor of my depression, besides my mother's illness. What helped me in those times is to openly focus on all things good money can't buy.

Mom, poop-slicing sounds both funny and the stuff of a nightmare. Sadly enough it is something I actually do often when I am doing the parasite tests in the lab for my animal-patients. It helps to put some menthol cream beneath the nose and a face mask, hehe.

Vermont, I hope your knee gets better.

Ems good look with exams and I hope your cold gets better.

Sorry if I forgot someone. Stay safe and happy everyone
and kick depression in the nuts

marie, glad things are looking somewhat better.

mom, glad you enjoyed the beach.

chubbykins, glad your exams are going well.


Things are going pretty good. I read an article on "letting go" on the site Tiny Buddha that has really helped.

Take care all.

hi everyone, hope your all doing ok

iv been realtivly normal for the last few days, then today my eldest daughter has gone away on a school trip for 4 nights, i feel so sad and i miss her. i know she will have a wicked time and love it but my mind races at all things that could happen worse case senario, so i am fretting... alot
My other girl is missing her sister i didnt realise they where so close and its quite sad seeing her moaping around bored because her sister is not here.

im just having a "sad" down day im going to try and get an early night even though i dont sleep and i am not allowed sleeping pills anymore

Take care everyone xx

hey girls im feeling abit better this week but the cold hasnt completely gone. Im hopefully going to see my best mate next week in london as i ned a break.

Holly i hope your knee is better how is the bike? xxx

Marie glad your feeling abit better if you wanna meet up for a coffee just let me know im down friday-tuesday next week il be near raynes park xxx

Chubbykins i hope everything is ok with you? xxx

Momof4 well done on the swim suit xxx

Bonnie hope your ok to?

marie, hope your feeling brighter. Hopefully the four days will fly by and your daughter will be back.

ems, hope your cold gets gone. sounds like fun seeing your friend.

things are going pretty well but I don't want to jinx it.

Rough time...but got back down to before beach weight! Drama with a friend...somehow got back to me she was seen with another man and I know her well and they came from a broken spot in their marriage so I told her to warn her its what i would want dont for me ....and she of course threw me under the bus....exactly her words sorry for throwing you under the bus...I am too old for this drama and will NEVER open my mouth to help a friend EVER again...never wanna feel like i did with this mess...then that next morning while dealing with this the caseworker calls and says he they are moving the kids in 4 days at moms request. A HUGE mess I called her and we talked thru the issues here the case aid was one of those that twist what i said to her (which i thought was in confidence as a caseworker) and then made it look like I didnt want the mom to know my address phone number and all that but I was doing it cause it is court ordered that my info be withheld for our safety but they failed to tell her that so she thought i didnt want her involved and didnt want the kids anymore....so now i have crying kids mine and hers...and the 5 yr old is scared cried both days now...they are to be home in 2 months anyways but whatever then my 18 yr old foster daughter tells me she wants to kill herself and she doesnt want her mom to bury her she wants me to take care of the arraignments....just ALOT!!!

mom, bloody **** that sounds rough, your poor foster daughter, sending lots of love darling to you and the children.

Ems, thank you that's a lovey offer if i can get out of the office at a decent time next week a coffee would be great, i will PM you later.

Hi everyone else hope things are look up for you all.

I had a stressful week with Ella being away on a school trip but she got home safe and happy so it was worth a week of me stressing for her to have a good time, things we do for our children!
iv been up and down with the BPD iv had to get all of the pills out of the house so i cant overdose i dont trust myself anymore, i have an addictive personality i cant even have painkillers in the house now, im going to start NA see if that helps.
Still have issues with DH he does my head in but im trying to ingnor him.

Love to you all xx

ok hun now worries well im coming down friday and going bk tuesday or wednesday xxx

hello friends!! I'm so sorry I haven't been posting much.

Mom - oh gosh you sure are the 'lightning rod' when people are having troubles, they seem to gravitate to you! I sure hope your foster daughter's problems smooth out.

Marie - hugs to you!! we applaud you for seeing that you need to get any pills out that might tempt you when you are down.

ems - hi, how are you I never hear you complain, what a sweet personality you have! Knees have their 'on' and 'off' days. and my bike is great, I've been riding to work regularly and that is fantastic.

Hi bonnie, I was happy for you to read that things are going good for you!

Hi Chubbykins! how is your (lack of) appetite? You will want to pinch me but I wish I had no appetite

Aunty Jam, how are things with you??

and HI hopeforme

the knee pain has really changed my exercise ... i used to work out 5, 6 or even 7 days a week. Now it's like 2 or 3 times. I've lost muscle tone and I vowed that as I got older this wouldn't happen!! I've just GOT to adapt somehow.

My depression symptoms are just about gone..but this is always the way from late April until late September. It just isnt' fair that I only 'live' for about 5 months a year!! But I am thankful for the months that I feel so good and happy.

well the county case workers still never called to say what time they would be getting the kids so i went about my morning and I went to the gym because i have been struggling since i came back from the beach to even eat right and get into the excercise. I couldnt afford to miss a day at the gym. So anyways I ended up getting a call on my cell and they came to the gym to get them so I walked them to the care I was bawling and the 3 year old was bawling and after i shut the door I couldnt hold it anymore i started screamin gat the case aid. I was like how you guys handled this was crap you give us 4 days notice and no reason. How is everyone suppose to adjust and she is like we will be there at 1 to get their stuff..i just threw my hands in the air and said whatever.....ewww.w...i bawled for the whole hour at the gym. then later apologized to the case aid and was like it was outta my emotions and how hurt i feel and i started bawling again.....wanted to bawl all day ready to just end this day and hope tomorrow starts off better......I KNOW this comes with foster care but how they handled it was WRONG!

Holly i hope your knee gets better soon you poor thing. Im trying a sping class today it is meant to be a killer lolil let you know how i get on hehe.

Hope you all have a nice week im off to london friday i can not wait to see my best friend xxx