[SugarComa]

I am sorry if this is not the appropriate place to discuss this but I suffer depression and anxiety... it is not easy to deal with in life in general but it gets especially hard when it comes to dealing with relationships.

I just feel like crying right now. I have moved to a strange city hundreds of miles from my family and friends to be closer to my boyfriend. I moved about 6 months ago and it has been down hill ever since. I live by myself because he doesn't want to move in with me or says he cant... which leaves me alone for the most part.

If I try to talk to him about things that are upsetting me he just gets irritated and it ends up in me crying and him walking out. I feel like I have sacrificed a lot to be here with him and he acts like he did too... however nothing about his life has changed and he doesn't seem to understand the stress that I am under. Or he simply doesn't care. I feel alone and empty and I have no one here but him and that makes me feel trapped. When I feel trapped I start to get panic attacks really bad and become suicidal. I cant tell him about those feelings because he gets really angry and doesn't know how to deal with them. Nor do I for that matter.

I love him and I know that he loves me but I just cant trust him... I have never caught him cheating or anything but yet something makes me not fully trust him. I don't know what it is but it leaves me having panic attacks when I think about it. He only stays with me about 2 nights out of the week and when I moved here he told me how he would be here all of the time and spend the night here and stuff... and over time he has started staying less and less. Its not like I don't see him everyday but when were together we mainly just watch TV, we never go anywhere or do anything. I just cant figure out what is going on... I cant tell if its me being delusional and looking too much into things or if something else is going on.

I know it sounds like he is awful, he really isn't. He does a lot for me like my laundry, he cooks for me and stuff. I just feel like something is off.... I just wanted to vent and possibly get some advice.

[Ferumbras]

First off:

Second off:

Now take a deep breath.

I admit, from your description, the relationship doesn't sound too good to me. But you know the situation better than I do and I would hate to have you ruin a good thing based on the advice of someone who knows the barest sliver of what's going on.

My advice would be to try meeting some new people. Not to replace your boyfriend, or start dating others necessarily, but just to grow your support network in the area. Have you looked into MeetUp groups out there? Check online and see if there are any that match your interests. Even in the small city I live in, there are groups for book clubs, wine tastings, potlucks, walking 3-legged dogs together (seriously), all kinds of crafts... you get the idea. Maybe try joining a couple of these and getting to know the new city and its people on your own terms?

I know how hard it is to move to a new place for someone. I did that, from one coast all the way to the other; a city I didn't know, no friends or family around. And while we lived together, he still pulled away from me and I ended up being the sole bread-winner for the majority of the time, which significantly hurt my credit rating, and frankly I was miserable but wouldn't admit it to myself. I tried doing all sorts of things to get his attention and constantly felt like I failed. Fate ended that relationship, but looking back I wish I'd had the strength to stand up for myself and really make my concerns heard and understood -- or just walked out. I had a lot of guilt for a long time due to what I did and didn't do for those few years.

I say that not to tell you to do what I didn't, but to let you know that I do understand what it is you're going through.

The most important thing is you. It's okay to be a little selfish.

[SugarComa]

Thank you so much for your response, Ferumbras.
What you said makes a lot of sense to me and believe me I have thought about just completely casting him out of my life I dont know if its love stopping me or the fact that I am afraid I will never do better. My self esteem is so low I am amazed that I have a boyfriend to begin with. What is worse, when I get into this mode (we just had a fight a few hours ago) I start binge eating and then I feel even worse.
I actually have looked up meet up groups in my area and I am sad to say there really isnt much to choose from but you are absolutely right, I need to do something. I need friends here, other than the people I talk to at work. On another note, my lease is up in 6 months and I probably wont be staying here. Its sad but I dont really see much for the future... especially here.
Thank you again for listening and reaching out. I really appreciate it.

[Ferumbras]

I know how hard it can be, hang in there. I too thought I'd never do better, which is why I held on for as long as I could. But then one day, after it had ended and I was feeling miserable and all that, I suddenly decided that I had to get out of the house. So I made a deal with myself. I was going to put on a dress, put on some make up, and go down to the local bar. I wouldn't take a book with me and wouldn't sit alone at a table. If someone talked to me, great, and I'd talk back. If no one did, that was fine too and I'd have a nice cocktail and not worry about it. And within 15 minutes of my being there, a guy was hitting on me. I found out that with confidence and a shower, I really could be someone other guys were interested in. This was a revelation, let me tell you. I'd been with the same guy for 8 years, and had met him over the internet, so was convinced no one just looking at me would be interested. But here was someone who clearly was. So I just want to say, you'll surprise yourself. Just give people the opportunity to meet you.

If there aren't meetup groups, what about a local gym class? I can't say I'm exactly friends with the people I kickbox with, but I do get a really friendly vibe from them, we chat during the workouts and they always seem happy to see me week after week. Maybe something like that could work for you?

Anytime you need to talk, feel from to private message me. I'll listen.

[Nola Celeste]

It doesn't sound like he's awful at all. It doesn't sound like you are, either. However, it does sound like the two of you have very different needs in the relationship.

Right now, you're cut off from a lot of life because of your move and the feelings of isolation it's brought. For you, your boyfriend and the relationship you have with him loom really large; they have expanded to occupy a huge space in your life because there are so many emptinesses in which to expand.

For him, the relationship fills a more modest space in his life. He has so much else going on that no matter how much he values his time with you, he can't expand that time very much without squeezing the breath out other aspects of his life.

Why do you just hang out and watch TV when he comes over? Would you like to go out, but he demurs? Or are you the one who says, "let's just stay in?" If you see him every day, maybe...well, maybe he needs to get a chance to miss your company. It's really tough on you when someone is your sole source of companionship, and it's tough on that person as well. Human beings evolved as social animals; we need more contact than one person can be expected to supply. Even if it's just the incidental companionship we get from striking up brief conversations with people in line at the coffee shop or chatting with people at our yoga class, we need to GET OUT.

That's a difficult thing to do sometimes, especially if you have any kind of anxiety or panic disorder. (I know, because I've lived with that crap since I was about 22.) But the benefits to getting out of the house, doing things for yourself, and re-fitting your relationship into its proper size and place are so great that it's worth making that difficult effort.

In one sense, you have a major advantage as you're in a new city. No one has preconceived notions of you. You get a fresh start with new scenery to explore and new people to meet. Revel in the fact that you're able to make yourself fresh and do the kinds of things that interest you, but that you'd long ago decided weren't really "you." Did you want to grow up and be a ballerina? Take dance lessons. Did you like roller coasters once upon a time? Check out the local amusement park. Volunteer work is great, too. Nothing puts the rest of life into perspective like giving a few hours of your time to a cause that matters to you.

Honey, I guarantee that if you start to do these things, you will have far less time to wring your hands over what might or might not be wrong with your relationship. I'd even bet that there's nothing wrong with the relationship aside from the fact that you and your guy are looking at it from opposite ends of the telescope. Fill your life with other things and let the relationship assume its rightful place in your head and heart.

And if you start seeing your boyfriend every other night instead of every night, think how much more you'll have to say to him when you've been busy and happy without him.

[indiblue]

You've gotten some great advice. I'll share my perspective as someone who also moved for my boyfriend (halfway across the world, literally!)

It seems like there are two things going on. First it seems like you depend on him all of your social life, emotional support, activities, etc. This is COMPLETELY understandable- as someone who moved to follow someone, I KNOW how hard it is to find your own way, your own intrinsic value, in a new place that you moved to because of someone else. However, do you WANT to create your own meaning- to, as others have suggested, find a niche group of friends, join clubs or groups, etc? If this is a desire of yours, I have full confidence in you that you can do it! And you'll feel so much better about yourself when you do. It's difficult on a relationship when one person depends on the other as their main social/emotional resource. Perhaps if you are able to find your own way in this city a bit it will take a huge strain off the relationship.

Second, it also seems like you expect/need more time and input into the relationship than he is ready to give at this point. Like Nola Celeste said, it's not that you are too needy or he is not giving enough- it just seems like you two have different needs and expectations. Can you talk through this with your boyfriend? Can you explain that it was a huge commitment on your part to come here, that you were willing to do that for him, and that it would mean so much if he can contribute to the relationship in x, y, z ways? If you can, that's wonderful. I'm a big proponent of 'if you can talk through it, you can get through anything.' If you can't have a conversation without him getting angry, you getting upset, or coming to some sort of compromise or understanding, then you may want to reconsider things.

I totally understand where you are coming from in this situation- it is really hard to move for someone else, and it's even harder when you don't feel that they are putting in as much as you've put in. But do what you can to ease any strains on the relationship- get involved, get out there- and then try to see if your boyfriend as well can do what he can. I remind my bf frequently of what I sacrificed to be with him (not as a guilt trip, but as a reminder of how committed I am to him and how much I care about him) and he WANTS to find ways to meet me halfway, so to speak. If you can get him to understand where you are coming from, and listen to where he is coming from, and find some way to meet each others' needs, then you'll be in a wonderful place.

good luck!!

[miss ann thrope]

Hi again SugarComa!

I really understand where you are coming from and I just wanna give you a big hug

The advice you've been given has really made sense to me and helped me see my situation more clearly. Me and my (long distance) boyfriend broke up over a year ago, but we've carried on as if we were still together. He's also my best friend. He's recently got a new girlfriend and it's left me so devastated, probably the lowest I've ever been. I already have depression and anxiety problems, and so many things have gone wrong the last year and a half, I feel like my life has fallen apart. I depended on him for my social life, emotional support, everything - and that must have been a huge strain for him. I've realised that I felt so devastated because he was everything in my life. His life is so full, but I had nothing else going on and he filled up the huge empty space. And man, I don't want it to be like that!! This was the main reason I've finally decided to lose weight, and joined this site.
I isolate myself because of the anxiety and how I feel about my weight. I know that I need to be getting out and having fun, and finding other things to make me happy - but my friends go out and do things I don't feel comfortable with because of my size. Even though I'm still not getting out there yet, I know that I will when I'm ready, and just that change of mind-set and starting to put my life in perspective is really helping me feel better. On a good day I feel hopeful and excited for the future.

I totally get that you don't know if it's love stopping you leaving or being afraid you will never do better - my self esteem is just the same. But in my opinion, I think once we get going with this weight thing, and getting out there, you'll be able to tell what you really want. I'm not saying we can only be happy when we've lost weight, not at all - you deserve to be happy right now. I just mean that by deciding to go for it you're already doing something positive, and as you start feeling better about yourself then your self esteem will grow.

Anyway, I just wanted to say what great advice you've been given, and I hope that with everyone's support you're feeling a bit better

[Lovely]

I think you've gotten some very thoughtful and great advice so far. I just wanted to extend a

I know what it's like to feel a little isolated and to not know anyone in the area. So, more

[ButterCup85]

I read through some of the responses and it seems like all have great advice. I just wanted to throw in my little 2 cents.

I moved states away with my boyfriend when I was 18. We got married. We lived together, I never fully trusted him but my goodness I love him and I still do. He was just not the person for me. We don't talk much anymore we divorced 2 years ago. He has moved on and so have I. All I can say is just be sure what you want and stick with it. I learned a lot from my ex husband- I just wish I wouldn't had wasted 7 years of being together and 6 of being married to see it.

[JEN3]

Dump the Chump. Find someone else and move on or move back home. Don't have sex with him anymore. Most likely he's playing the field.

You’re way too cute of girl to suffer. If he made promises to you and didn't intend to fulfill them then he's a chump. You have made a gallant attempt to be with him and secure a relationship with him and he treats you like a part time, sometimes girl friend?

Most likely things will only get worse especially if he is playing the field. Some men can cover their tracks very well and lie just as well. Take care of yourself and don’t let this guy play with your emotions. Men who act like he does are just playing you until something else better comes along.

Find a man who really wants to be with only you, and you only want to be with him. Then you have a real relationship, don't settle for less. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Go Fishing!

[SugarComa]

Thank you all for your advice and support

Ferumbras- I have decided to take your advice and get out there, I am going to look for a dance class or something like that So I can maybe meet some new fiends. I don't really drink so I don't know if a bar is a good place for me... however maybe a coffee house?
And thank you for the the PM invite, I have to wait the 20 days before I can PM

Nola Celeste- You put a lot into perspective and I have thought about this before just think maybe I am more devoted and committed to this relationship then he is... and I know its hard to be some ones only friend...its very time demanding, but he was asking me to move here in the first place and I told him that I was worried he would get tired of me.... and he has. I have wanted to do things in the past and he says hes too tired. I am not saying I never am the one who doesn't want to do anything but usually when he comes over he ends up falling asleep then when he wakes up he leaves.

indiblue- It makes sense that he feels pressure from being my only source of social activity. Like I said I am going to try joining a dancing class or something to meet new people... I am also going to do everything I can to come up with the rest of the money I need for school this fall so maybe I can meet new people there. If I try to bring up the fact that I moved for him he responds with "don't rub that in my face".... or worse "well maybe you should move back if you don't want to be here". Sometimes he is okay and I can talk to him and we solve problems but recently its gone back to not being able to talk to him without him getting upset.

miss ann thrope- I am sorry you went through that as well. I know how it feels and part of the reason I am wanting to get into shape is so that I don't have such a low self esteem and if we do break up I will feel stronger and more confident in my ability as a person. I know what you mean about not wanting to be the person that takes up someone else life because they have nothing else going on.... that is what I am doing. I have always been like that though. I have always depended on my boyfriends for all of that and that is probably a huge reason my relationships always fail. I have a lot of issues that I need to work out in therapy. I am a child of molestation and that causes A LOT of issues in my relationships. I just don't want to feel like this right now and I feel like I am losing control. But to answer your question, yes all the advice given to me on this thread has opened my eyes and made me feel better.

Lovely- Thank you for your support

ButterCup 85- Yeah I know what you mean I was with my ex for 8 year (we never got married though) and it was more dysfunctional than this... we were both co-dependent and it caused so many problems in both of our lives.... the one thing that I did learn was that I thought I would die if our relationship ended.... in the end I ended it and I am still alive. I guess the same could be said for this situation.

Kit in AZ- I hope he isn't cheating on me but you could be right. I also fear what you said about me being there until something better comes along. I just have a really bad feeling that there is no one else out there and I will end up alone. I dated SOOOO much last year and nothing came of it.. it was too much stress for me. You are right though if he is leading me on, there is no reason to stay.

[Ferumbras]

SugarComa: I'm glad the people here could help put things in perspective for you. Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. I know you're going to be fine, but I still like hearing from those I care about, and I can honestly say I care about how you're doing. I've been where you are; I know that pain, that fear, that anxiety. Maybe I see my younger self in you and wish I'd had someone who had been looking out for me. But you're also a lot better than the old me was. You're getting help on your own. You're admitting your situation. You're taking the risk of getting yourself out there in order to improve your life. I can't congratulate you enough on taking that first step.

Oh, and btw, I love your handle.

[indiblue]

I imagine his response of "Don't rub that in my face" is part of a larger feeling of guilt/burden that he feels right now. As you indicated, there's a lot of pressure on the relationship (and specifically him) to provide you with the emotional and social support you need. He is likely feeling that right now and it's a huge weight on him. When you mention you moved there for him, it's a reminder of that weight and a pretty big stress. Not that he shouldn't feel some obligation to you because of what you did, but it should be a healthy part of the relationship (that you put a lot into the relationship and he should be putting a lot in as well), not an unhealthy one (that he owes you big time).

I think its important on both sides for you to share with him "Yes, I moved here for you, I wholly made the decision and I did so because I care about you and want this to work." Come at it from a perspective of reminding him how much you care about him and love him and that this was a decision made from love, not obligation. When you do bring it up, I'd be careful to do so in a way that tries to put a guilt trip on him. (I"m not saying you do now, just to be careful). I only bring it up when my boyfriend and I are discussing finances, our next step, etc, and I do it in an objective, unemotional way (i.e "Because it made sense for us as a couple for me to move this time, I'd like to explore opportunities next year for me to return to my career and for you to follow, if that's what makes sense" as opposed to "I gave up everything for you, now it's your turn!"). You want to remind him you guys are in this together, that you wanted to sacrifice for the relationship, but at some point you also expect him to be prepared to do the same thing.

In the end it *was* your decision to move, and he probably is unnecessarily is feeling guilt and blame right now, not joy and gratitude that you decided to move for him. Hopefully by taking some of the steps you talked about with getting involved- joining a class, going to school, volunteering- you'll be much happier and it eases some of the pressure on your relationship. Hopefully too you can talk rationally and calmly about what you need from him and he needs from you, that he can appreciate what you did for him without feeling solely responsible for your happiness/unhappiness or ignoring what you gave up to be together, but rather being grateful for your sacrifice and eager to do what he can to support you. Then you guys can enjoy being together without resentment or guilt, but rather happiness

[Gigi33]

This is advice that may be hard to follow through with, but if you aren't happy and you aren't getting what you feel you need in your current situation, you need to change it. I knew a girl once who, like you, moved way down to TX from NY to be near her fiance. He never had time for her, didn't to live with her until they were married and generally made her life misserable.

Sometimes its best to cut your losses and move on. You are in a time in your life where you need to put yourself first. Your health and happiness are what's most important.

You can only control how you feel. You can't control anyone else. Trust me on that one!

Best of long. And "To Thine Ownself Be True".

[Bluenach]

SugarComa!!!

Here are my 2cents: "The Rules", by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.
Read it. And when you're finish reading it (it's a pretty short book), read it again. And when you are done reading it, read it it jet one more time.

Hugs and more hugs, babe