[LightRaven]

Oi. I feel like my whole world has been caving in on me for the past couple of weeks. I'm having work load problems at work (IE- I do all the work... while everyone else does enough to get by and then my boss wonders why I can't finish my work!) and then there is my home life.

My mom is on another forum for ecigarettes, where quite innocently she befriended a man who doesn't live too far from us. My father passed away from stomach cancer 5 years ago, and while I loved him- to be honest- he was a jerk and a crap father. And a crap husband. He apparently couldn't clean out his hard drive on his computer before his health took a turn for the worse and we found some very- hurtful things on his computer. (Emotional affairs, although one sided, plans on leaving my mom when he got "better", which is kinda funny because he was nothing without my mom.. anyways!)...so, she has been talking to this guy... and other people from this forum.. for the better part of a year.

Anyway, things have progressed and I noticed that she was always chatting online with him and finally I flat out ask- what's the deal? Well, apparently she is attracted to him etc etc. Great. I have no problem with this. I have often contemplated if my mom would ever move on and pursue love again.

And then it all happened. My mom turned into a 14 year old. At first- it was cute. It was funny. I assumed this is what happens when you've been re-introduced into the dating pool. I mean, my mom was with my father from 14 years old up until 5 years ago....so 30 years. Has never dated anyone else, nothing. It must be exhilarating and enthralling for her.

Now, I see my mom for five minutes a day. She comes home, we say hi.. and she runs upstairs and talks to him on the phone.. sometimes until 2:30 am. I figured it would calm down. She mentioned meeting him (mind you, she's been afraid to even talk to my brother about any of this.. so I've had to relay it to him... ugh) And I mentioned that would stalk her.

Ok- so the first time I mentioned this, I was kinda kidding. But she really pushed back on it, and so red flags started to go off in my head. What the F is she hiding? Why is it so unreasonable that me and/or my brother are in the vicinity while she is on her date. For the same reasons above (never really dated anyone, doesn't understand current dating culture) I wasn't comfortable with just knowing where she was. I wanted to be minutes from her.. just in case. We've all been arguing weeks about it.

And then this past Saturday- I texted her to see if she would be home for dinner... I was making chicken parm (she was visiting my grandmother at rehab).. and she was like "No, I'm going out to dinner with ...." whatever his name is. And I flipped.

So I really tried hard to identify what is going on in my head.

It's not unreasonable for my mom to be.... Not just my mom (I am after all, 31, my brother is 36) It's not unreasonable to be excited and enthralled with the prospects of a man being interested in you after 30 years of a "meh" marriage... with 15 of them being barely tolerable. It. is. not. unreasonable.

That's my logical side. The rest of me screams "ABANDONMENT!"

It's an old issue I thought I put to rest a long time ago. In my head, she is the last person I have. I'm kind of a hermit. I'm socially shy/anti-social, and not very interested in it. I've had friends and they come and go. I got tired of it- of chasing my friends. I got tired of being the only one who calls to make plans... the only one who calls just to talk.. the only one who ever initiated anything.. and when I was in my early 20's I had had it. I attract "needy" people. They need me.. until they don't. I'm very good at fixing everyone else's problems. I'm very good at being someone else's mother. I'm very tired of being their personal therapist and not getting paid for it.

So all friendship.. I let them be. If they died because I didn't work on it.. I didn't care.

Except my mom. My mom is my best friend. It wasn't always that way. She's very good at sticking her head in the sand when things go awry. When I was a teenager, she was very good at tuning me out because so many other things were going on/wrong in her life. Hence- the abandonment issue. Which, even when I told her, after years of therapy, that I have abandonment issues.. she never understood.

There is nothing like coming home from school and wanting to tell your parents a funny story, or whatever, and them basically tell you to go away because, they are A) reading B) watching TV C) on the computer D) on the phone E) just want time to themselves, etc etc. I've come home on many occasions, both parents watching TV, and when I walk in and start talking... the volume of the TV would go up. No one would acknowledge me... just turn up the volume... maybe she'll go away.....

So there is nothing like coming home from work... wanting to tell your mom something crazy that happened at work.. and she is on the phone already with Mr. I want in your pants.... and I will not be able to talk to her until tomorrow... if then. Depends on if she is on the phone already.

She literally is the last person in my life who I can talk to.. who is a true friend...not just an acquaintance, or someone I work with.

And now I feel like the mother in this relationship because she is forgetting to do normal things. Like.... oh I don't know.. how about buy cat food... like you usually do every week.. when you go grocery shopping. Pay bills on time maybe? That's usually helpful. Did you file for unemployment today? (She just got laid off). Did you get the snow blower fixed that my brother has been complaining about for two years? How about that heater coil for the drain pipe so it stops freezing? Maybe you want to do the dishes today?

So I'm sad, and mad at the same time... and my head keeps screaming "Abandonment!!!"

Part of me says lay low... things will blow over.

The other part of me wants to lay into her as if she were my daughter. Because that is what she is acting like. My daughter.. just 10 years older.

I'm so sorry this is so long.

LR

[astrophe]

Whoa. You have a lot going on there. I just wanted to let you know someone read it.

Are you still in therapy? Can you talk to your counselor about all this stuff? Esp. with keeping healthy boundaries for you. Not just with your work load, your friendships, but your mom too.

GL!
A.

[laueliz]

Wow, LR, that sounds so tough to deal with. From your history, I can see why you would feel abandoned and ignored. Your time with your best friend is getting divided, and that makes sense even if she is your mom. I'm very close with my mom and it would hurt me if she all of a sudden just ignored me. I think it's great that she's found something exciting after a lackluster marriage... but I find it a little worrying that she's not paying her bills on time, forgetting to buy cat food, forgetting to file for her unemployment, etc. There's new romance but that's a whole other level, to be honest.

I hope things get better for you and that things calm down. I think you have good reason to want to keep an eye on her, even if from a distance, since the dating world is very different from what it was 30 yrs ago.

I can relate to the difficulty making friends. I don't have friends aside from my husband and some family. I wish I could give advice on that part. The only thing I can think of is, if you have time after work once a week or on the weekends, it might be good to try and branch out a bit on your own. If you have a hobby you enjoy, maybe try joining a club with other hobbyists (or join a book club)? Or take local classes (cooking, sewing, whatever you like)? Having a common interest might help you have common ground with people, which could help diffuse some anxiety. This way, you may have an opportunity to expand your social world (and maybe this could help distract you from the difficult situation with your mom a bit).

Sorry I couldn't be of more help! I hope that your mom calms down soon!

[marianne78]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom is my best friend too and I don't have any other friends that I see regularly. I don't know what I'd do without her. I guess, though, when I get to this situation, I'd find other things to do to keep busy and distracted so I won't feel like this, like take up classes or a new hobby. I do hope that your mom goes back to being the mom soon.

[saef]

Do you live in your mother's house? Is this why you're cooking meals & figuring she'll be there for them? Because you're house-keeping together? Also, is that why you feel like the mother, and like she's the daughter, because you are both still living together?

Are you able financially to move out & get your own place? That would help distance the relationship a little, so it wouldn't matter so much what each of you does in the evenings after work. Maybe you both need some space & some time away from each other.

Does your brother also live with you two, or is he out on his own or with a family of his own?

I'm trying to get a clearer picture of the actual household involved here.

And I am so sorry to hear about your father's death. My own father died of stomach cancer just before Thanksgiving in 2008. I don't live near my parents -- I'm at the opposite end of the state -- and traveling back & forth to see him was very wearying. Toward the end, when he was getting hospice care at home, I moved back in with my parents to help care for him for the last month of his life. It was very, very difficult to return to my former girlhood bedroom & to acclimate myself to my parents' routines & particular ways. (I remember an epic argument about my habit of placing a partly empty water bottle -- which I'd mostly finished off at the gym & carried home with me -- on the kitchen counter when I went upstairs to shower. To my father, who wasn't quite in his right mind, that was an unbearable sign of disorder. He wanted it empty & recycled or thrown out, or refilled & in the fridge. Immediately. Oh, families .... )

[LightRaven]

Hey Guys, thanks for the support... And thanks for reading my novel!

Astrophe- I haven't been to therapy and off my meds for a little over 5 years. I've been pretty stable in that time (****-in a little under a year, my father died, I had my daughter, got engaged and then my husband left me after 3 months of marriage! ) I mean, if those things didn't throw me under the bus, I thought I was golden! It's been something that I've been meaning to go back to- I just recently got health insurance. And there are things that I still need to hash out. (Self worth, eating, still some childhood trauma to work through) But I have a few more pressing health issues that I have on my plate (Need to see a cardiologist to see if I have Chest Wall Syndrome... and not mitrovalve something or other).. and well an an endocrinologist.. just diagnosed with Hypothyroid last month... I was trying to get these things taken care of before trying to go to therapy again.


I have Dythsmia...that's my basic label. But I have had major depressive episodes. And when I have a major episode, I have BPD traits. (I'm a cutter) Anyways... I just didn't think that this would shake me.

I couldn't even identify what was going on until this past weekend when I forced myself to sit down and think. What was my problem? When it finally dawned on me all I could do was sob. Because on one hand, Things are rough for my mom right now, with her mom being ill and just being laid off.. I am happy she is finding joy somewhere. On the other hand, I just wasn't expecting to be blown off like this.

We've all done it as teenagers... blown off our friends for a new boyfriend. I'm guilty of it. But somewhere in your twenties.. that usually isn't the case. I want to give her some room to work it out, but yes.. it is bizarre that she is not doing things that she is supposed to be doing in normal everyday life. I've been looking for a job for her too... not that she asked me to, but I'm nervous. This is her house.. it's her mortgage, and even if my brother and I combined our incomes, I don't think we'd be able to make it.

I wanted her to get right back out there.. she wants to lay low for a few months and get her mom situated (we just moved her here from AZ- she is having mobility issues due to COPD.. she's being released on Friday from Rehab)

I actually can see that being a good idea.. for my grandmother.

Eh.. I dunno.

laueliz- yea... hobbies would be nice.. if I wasn't a single mom of a 4 year old. A clingy 4 year old at that. And while her dad does take her two days a week... he is a police officer and so those days rotate. Never the same two days. So there is no solid schedule that I can commit to going to a class, indulging in a hobby.... or hey.. finishing my degree! All that will have to wait until my monster is older. She is so sweet though.. she goes "Mommy.. don't be sad. here is a tissue. Do I need to tickle you?"


And so... my brother bought me a box of chocolates for V-Day. And at first I had two. And then yesterday.. I had like 4. And that's not good (ever see the calorie content on those?!) and I was feeling so guilty about it that today.... I took a bite out of every single piece and then threw the box away.

Really? At the time it seemed logical. I really need to drill into my head that throwing away food is not wasting it. Eating it when you are not hungry is wasting it!

It's past my bedtime. Thanks for the support!

LR

[LightRaven]

Saef- sorry just saw your post.

I never got a chance to move out- shortly after college my father was diagnosed with cancer... my brother had just moved back in because he was in hard times... we all stuck it out to help my mom and dad.

And then My brother had his daughter.
And a little over a year later, I had mine.

At one point.. we ALL lived here... my brother's girlfriend and my husband. It was crowded.

Anyway.. now, it's me, my daughter, my mom, my brother, his daughter.. and recently, we moved my grandmother in.

Unfortunately it is not financially feasible for me to be on my own. Being a single mom.. I'm making it on one income... kids are expensive! especially child care/preschool!!

Since my mom has been visiting my grandmother at the hosiptal/rehab everyday.. Dinner hasn't really been made. So I've been making an effort on the weekends to make a real dinner. I'm the only one cleaning the house (I'm failing miserably in that department... too many people.. not enough help. I can't keep up with it)... I'm the one feeding our zoo of animals. (Little brats.. I love them though) So yea.. there is a role reversal going on here. And no- my brother hasn't been doing anything. His whole thing is he does the lawn, and fixes stuff... and paints and builds stuff when we need him to.. and that's all he's liable for. (He actually built me and my daughter's room.. I gave my room to my grandmother)

So yea I'm stuck here. But usually it's not so bad.. and it's a great nuclear family for the girls. I'm divorced, and my brother broke up with his crazy GF. It's stable here for them.

It's a double edged sword for me.

LR