MY TEST IS POSTPONED AND CLASS IS CANCELLED TOMORROW!!

I could not be happier. I'm actually off now for 2 days in a row with nothing to do and I only have to work from 5-8 on Sunday. I actually teared up when I read the email. Sad but true. Now, what to do with myself?...

Hi everyone.

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Happy Halloween!!

Hi everybody, you are out there, right?

What did everybody do for Halloween? I got lucky, we were supposed to go to a party given by one of dh's friend, but he didn't feel like going. We stayed home and watched a movie. It's not that I don't like this person, I don't really know her well, I just try to avoid most all social situations. I'm sure you know what I mean. I just always think 'I'm too fat to do that'. As soon as someone suggests most anything, I immediately try to figure out how I'm going to get out of it.

I hate this about myself and I know that living with me can't be fun. I don't want to be this person I've become but here I am. I went yesterday shopping for a Halloween costume and looked through all the skinny skank costumes hoping to find some tent shape mumu looking thing that wouldn't be too embarassing to put on. The hospital scrubs option was probably about the best but dh was going to go as a biker (big stretch). I decided just to buy some leather fingerless gloves and a studded choker and be a biker chick. I of course would not be sporting the signature tiny black tank top but the effort was made in case I had to go. The emotional rollercoaster over this party I didn't even attend was enormous and such a waste of life. This is just one small example of the torment I experience so frequently due to my weight. Why then can't I change?

I'm here! But I'm new in these parts...

I feel so much empathy... I get this exact feeling every single time I have to go out and "be seen". I'll spend forever and ever making a costume or getting one together and then some random person will snap a photo of me, and when I see it I feel so dejected, so hopeless. I'll throw my hands out at my reflection, get really mad at it, tell myself that I will never. change. and why should I bother, anyway?

Sometimes I think of it this way, and it helps me: you know all of those diets you begin and don't finish, and how they seem to pile up? A successful diet is just the one that lasts a little bit longer and is a little bit healthier than the one before, until you're at your goal.

Anyway, just to say, I know where you're coming from and I wish you all the best.

i didnt get to post yesterday but i had went to see my gram. She looked like she was already in a casket. She said hi but then went back out of it and when I was leaving kinda came to life and was like I didnt know you were...then went back out of it. Well when i called my mom to tell her something dad answered said gram had just passed away...They had just went to run an errand while my aunt sat at their house with gram and she called them back...Guess they had a long night. i love my gram and will miss her. I had a lot of good times with her and we had a good last year since she moved in with my mom. She didnt die in her trailor on the mountain all alone.. i hurt for my mom cause I know she is hurting. she took care of her 24/7 and would have to beg my aunts to come help her if she needed to go somewhere. My mom is the baby. She sat there this whole week watching the life drain out of gram and nothing she could do for her. She tried to get her to eat and drink and even crushed her pills up in some applesauce but nothing she could do could keep her mom from going. I only got to talk to her breifly because she was at the funeral home. She broke down crying so then I started crying. i had held myself together SOO well even when i had to tell my sisters (who my parents adopted not too long ago). I feel like I was as prepared and at peace. You will always miss people and remember times you had with them. But its my mom who I am focused on. ok well enough of me blabbing on.
I will talk to you all later...services arent until wed and thur cause my uncle from new mexico has to fly in for the services.
nite

momof4, to you and your mom; condolences on your gram's passing. You sound very 'together' in this sad and stressful time, that you see how your mom is hurting. I hope you keep strength to get you and your family through this time.

Hi Nenu, welcome

hope, I'm sorry you were in such angst because of the party.

Havisham, buddly, Leenie, and all others

I had 4 huge frosted sugar cookies and about 8 fun sized candy bars yesterday/last night. Ugh. Back on track today.