[elle w 19]

....I only know how to sulk, self-hate, and experience short bouts of "determination."

When I try to step back and think what is really bothering me, what is really holding me back...I think it may seem so daunting at this point. About 115 pounds to lose.

So instead of doing little things to illicit bigger changes, I eat, and cry, and hate myself, and avoid thinking about how much I'm putting my health at risk.

The last time I ate was almost six hours ago and I still feel full. My boyfriend and I each ate a medium pizza from Domino's--at my urging. I ordered it. I paid for it. Because I wanted it.

He's gained weight since being with me and I hate feeling responsible.

I hate feeling full six hours after eating. This is not natural. And I feel my body being strained on a daily basis--my poor organs being squished from all the belly fat, my lungs not able to expand enough to get a full breath because of the fat, my chins resting upon themselves if I pull my head too far into my neck. I'm aware all the time about how unhappy it makes me, the desire to lose weight is ever-present.

Yet my actions go against this desire.

I don't know where to start--how to "give a care" anymore.

Any inspiration?

[heather88]

I remember being in the same position, but when I was 16yrs old. I felt exactly the same way you do RIGHT now at 250lbs, and I did nothing about it . . . I got up to 300lbs before my breaking point.

Your body is telling you that you need to do this before you get as big as I was! I'm finally back to where I started 5 years ago when I was crying, eating, being lazy, and just not seeking the information that I needed to lose the weight.

Do some research and find a plan that will work for YOU, where you can still eat things like pizza, but just a normal serving size.

I started out eating 1800 calories a day. Believe it or not, 1800 calories is a lot of food if you do not waste them on high cal foods! There are still many delicious foods out there that are just as satisfying as a high fat high cal meal. Fitday.com has helped me get a good balance of carbs, fat, and protein.

My bf gained 40lbs since we met, because of the way I ate around him. The guilt was overwhelming . . . but since I decided to make this change he has lost 10lbs and eats healthier.

I still overeat sometimes, the best thing to do when you fall off of the wagon is to get right back on . . chances are it really isn't going to affect your progress as much as you think as long as you get back on your plan the next day.

Please message me if you ever feel like talking :]

[annie175]

Go see your doctor, you are depressed.

[VermontMom]

i also think you should see your doctor, if you describe your feelings to her/him, they will recognize the signs of depression. I'm not a pill-pusher but I feel my soul has been saved by proper medication. As a wonderful side effect, I also got back my 'give a damn' attitude, so I was able to stick to better eating and working out almost every day.

[Leenie]

its ok, we are here for you

I think many of us feel the same way you do, or have felt it at one time. Its a nasty roller coaster of a ride that seems to never end.

I agree with the girls that the best place to start to make changes is to see your doctor, talk to him/her and tell him everything you just told us. Its not easy spilling your guts to a doctor but I bet by the time you leave his office your going to feel alot better.

please let us know what you decide to do.

Leenie

[LittleMoonRabbit]

I think the key when faced with a large weight loss (something I have seen used here many times) is breaking up your weight loss into smaller, more manageable pieces. Yes, 115 lbs seems like a lot when you look at it in one shot... but if you break it up into 10 lb increments... then it feels much easier. Reward yourself for every 10 lbs with non-food items. A massage, a facial, a manicure, some nice perfume, a new CD or DVD, a new outfit... these small steps and rewards can help make the endeavor seem much less daunting.

Try joining the 100+ club... those are all people looking to lose over 100 lbs. They can help you to look at this journey with a different perspective. Also, check out the Goal forum. There are a lot of people on there who lost more than 100 lbs successfully... and a lot of them broke down exactly how they accomplished it.

I also agree that maybe you should talk to your doctor. You do sound depressed. A lot of us have some emotional issues tied up with our weight... I myself am an emotional eater, and for years I would binge every time I had a bad day. I still need to fight the urge sometimes. The key is learning how to cope with these underlying issues so that we can free ourselves from our food addictions... and that's really what it is sometimes. it's an addiction. Junk food has an almost drug-like affect on the body. the body releases a lot of those "feel good" chemicals in the brain when you sit down to a piece of cake. But, just like drowning sorrows in alcohol doesn't work as a long term solution... drowning sorrows in food doesn't work either.

We are all here for you. There are so many resources here. We'll help you take baby steps.. you CAN DO THIS!

[Shannon in ATL]

Someone has a quote in their sig "I can't lose 100 pounds, but I can lose 1 pounds 100 times", or something like that.

Like has already been said, looking at smaller pieces is so much less intimidating than looking at the entire task sometimes. When you were a child learning to walk did you stand up and run across the room the first time out? No. You took small portions of the task - you learned to crawl, then to stand, then a few steps, then a walk across the room, then to walk down the hall, then to run a few steps, then to sprint away from your mom when she tried to catch you in the park!

You can do this, you just need to find the breakdown that makes it feel workable for you. I do agree that you should see your doctor too, as you do sound depressed to me. I took antidepressants for years, and I will tell you that exercise and a better diet really changed my outlook and I don't take them anymore, but they were a big help when I couldn't figure out how to get myself up on my own.

[Faigh amach]

Elle w 19
I am in the same boat as you. I find it so hard, the phrase running through my head is "I can do nothing right." Yet something reminds me of a time long past when I was in a full blown major depressive episode, and I don't want to go back. May be drugs (medication) are called for, they saved my life. Maybe, that something, everyone has it deep down inside, needs to be found.

In truth, right now I am going minute by minute, or moment by moment. At this moment what could I do to make me feel like a productive person? What could I do that would make me happy? At one moment it was, pick up a couple of things in my room. The next moment was, put a few things in the dishwasher, and wipe the counter.

Today I was not in the mood to leave the house. I thought about how I would feel if I did not go and play with a horse today. I would feel worse if I did not go, so I got out of the house and played with Lilly. I can say, I did something right today.

I am glad I read this post because there are some great hints put here, and support. I had to be long winded about it. As stupid as it sounds good luck, you and I both need it.

[Leenie]

Also, surrounding yourself with people who will be uplifting and positive is a big plus. So if your hanging with peeps that are only dragging you down... say toodles. Finding really good support at home as well as here (which will be easy ) will make a huge difference in how you feel


.