Give yourself credit for the little things you do. They are really big things when you feel like you do. For instance, it is great that you are breastfeeding! Most American moms don't think it's worth the bother.
You need to see a psychiatrist, not a family doctor, and also a therapist. I know that is inconvenient, but I bet your husband would be supportive. The meds don't come through breastmilk very much. Really! I looked into this because it was a huge concern of mine. Now what is proven is that a depressed mom does have an effect on children. I am not saying that to be accusatory, but to help you prioritize your thinking.
I also spend a lot of time thinking that I am a bad mom. My son is also 4 & I am easily overwhelmed. On weekdays, I generally manage to go to work & nothing more. I have a lot of support for him & feel guilty that I don't do more because other women do so much. But he is healthy & happy.
My co-worker who only works when she wants to because she says "we have a lot of money" & can afford to have occupational & speech therapists, etc. come to her house for her autistic son gave me something to hold onto. At the end of the day, are your kids healthy? Sometimes that is all you can do.
Hugs.
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