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My husband of almost 25 years, asked me for a divorce. I am crushed. My lexapro has been upped and I can't function.
I have an attorney and this seems like a bad dream. Where is the man I married. He is cold and arragant. My PDOC said the man I married is dead and this man is the one who will make me angry, to make good descions for myself.
I'm scared because i'm taking 4 xananx pills a day....
I just want to wake up from this...
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The same thing happened to me 3 years ago just before our 20th anniversary. I was no longer any 'fun' was his excuse. It's pretty hard to feel like having fun when severe depression is the main part of your day.
Anyway, back to you. It is terribly hard to get through the lawyers, questions from people, living without him, and then the actual divorce, but it will get better. Give yourself a chance to grieve, keep up with your physical and mental well being and after a while things will look up.
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I went through something similar while dealing with deep depression and anxiety and I know how hard it is. Mine was not a "marriage" but a longtime co-habitation which carried its own problems in separating. I did not get everything done that I could have, because I was just so depressed and didn't ask friends or family to help and I paid for it...in thousands of lost dollars. |
SO assuming there is no chance of reconciliation, you have to get it together and get some things in place if they aren't already so you don't suffer even more in the future. If necessary do you have a friend who can help you do these things? Also you said you have an attorney. Is it someone you have dealt with along with your husband in the past? If so, do you feel this attorney can be impartial and really work on your behalf. If not, and you know friends who have divorced and been happy with their attorney, you may be better off to ask them for a recommendation. Some attorneys are definitely more pro-wife than others.
The first thing you have to do is protect your financial position as much as possible.
* If you do not have your own bank account and credit cards, you have to get them ASAP. If you have joint credit cards, you have to get your name OFF them immediately and get your own personal cards.
* If you have in place individual personal accounts but a joint account for household expenses, you may wish to leave that just so as not to antagonize the situation BUT if part of that money goes to mortgage payments the house/condo had better be in both your names. If it is in his name only, I would ask my lawyer/banker for advice about stopping your contribution to the dwelling.
*If you are working and your salary is going into a joint account, that has to start going into your own account.
*You have to find out about ownership of the following: in whose name(s) is the house or condo if you own one b) pensions c) insurance d) investments e) I don't know if you have kids but if they have educational investments or savings, who has control of those
If possible get your husband to see that if this is actually going to happen, doing it in the speediest least acrimonious and considerate way will work to your advantages. in Lawyers LOVE divorces which the couples bicker on and on and on...and the bills become horrendous. Since your husband is the one who asked for the divorce, as part of the settlement you can ask that he is responsible for your lawyer's fees as you were put in the position of needing one by his desire for the divorce, and you shouldn't have to pay for it! As to this advice, I am NOT a lawyer, and I do live in Canada but..I would do some research online..I am sure there is divorce advice for women that may provide you with a checklist of things to consider.
I hate to sound harsh, and business-like, but again ASSUMING there is no hope of reconciliation, you HAVE to be assertive and look after yourself. I found that the more I began to put things in place for myself, the stronger and less scared I felt. I knew I would make it on my own, and in the end, I was so much happier.
Everything Mollymom said is right. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough time, but this too shall pass. In the mean time, therapy is your friend. Get there, fast. Hang in there, hon.
Mollymom's suggestions are excellent. The only women I know that came out of the divorc/separation with a fair shake immediately got to work on the finances. You can be sure a man will. Call in the dogs and have them hunt down what is happening with the family finances. Many a man has already started burying assets before they tell you about the divorce.
In the long run you will probably be better off without him.
Careful with the xanax. It is very addictive. You need all your senses to face the future ahead, divorce or not.
If I could reach through the screen and hug you I would, but this will have to do.
mollysmom is right on. Look out for yourself and take good care of yourself as well! Things will get better soon, hun- I know it doesn't seem that way right now, as the pain is raw and the wound is open. Soon, though, you will come around and learn to cope with the pain, and it will lessen with time.
Have you seen a counselor yet? Or even a clergyman/woman? You need to talk to someone to help deal with this. Family and friends are nice, but sometimes they are too close to the situation, if you know what I mean. Family and friends often are protective of us and may not always give us the best advice sometimes. An outsider that doesn't know you or your husband is a better choice to talk to.
Hang in there- you're in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs to you.
Everyone is giving you good advice... as a man who had a wife leave him to move in with a boyfriend I can tell you that it is terribly painful for anyone and that is normal. I do have to share one thing with you though and that is that in the long run.... it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me, so sometimes it's hard to see things now the way you will in a year or so.. You deserve to be loved (really loved) and treated well, everyone does...hang in there and it will work out.
In agreement with everything said to date and I am so sorry for your situation.
I want you to be very careful with all those medications. My husband was addicted to Xanax and it was NOT pretty and you have to be so careful coming off of it. He also went through many antidepressants and Lexapro was one of the hardest on his body.
I would get re-evaluated by your psychiatrist and see what meds might be better for you since you are in a crisis. I hope you are seeing a psychiatrist because a general medical doctor can not prescribe over a certain mg of psychiatric medication.
Please look into it. I lived through it with him and it is not pretty. Promise promise promise everything will be better.
Suzy
Deep hole, Husband asked for Divorce
