I have this is the Weight Loss Support too, but realize it probably fits best here as I have been diagnosed with chronic depression. I have never been this honest publicly before and it has been hard. I fell asleep last night with a sinking feeling of regret. But the 4 replies I have gotten were very nice.

I wouldn't want to admit this to most people, but I am starting this weight loss journey and asking for the support of 3FC not for my BMI creeping over the "obese" scale, or the rampant Type II Diabetes in my family, or even the 3 heart attacks my grandmother suffered...though those are the life-sustaining reasons.

I am doing this so I will cut out the middle man between me and the dating, single world.

I hide behind my weight as the reason I don't date. I'm not sure what my reason was when I was thin for not dating, but now I can easily look at a picture of myself or think of a guy I like and talk myself out of feelings or dreams of motherhood with a simple, "You're too fat right now. Maybe one day."

This mask came in a weird intervention from my mom and brother. My brother cornered me on the beach a few years ago and said I needed to lose weight so I could get married one day. In a fit of rage, I screamed and asked my mom to explain that he was being ridiculous. She just said "You know what he means. First impressions."

I have never been so crushed and let down in my life. From that day on, I have gained and gained weight. Sure there are other reasons, not just that conversation, but a light turned off inside my heart that day. One that helped me hope that I would creep out from behind my walls and open myself up to dating. Sure there were extra pounds, but we weren't our athletic high school selves anymore. I wasn't staying single because I thought I was too fat.

Now, though. I hide behind my fat. Where I didn't feel fat that day with my mom and brother, now I am genuinely fat and feel fat. I've made what they told me true to me too. If I protect myself in layers of fat, I will never have to face whatever it is that stopped me from dating at a healthy weight because now I just blame it on the fat.

I want kids one day. I want to share my home with someone who makes me laugh.

I just don't think I will ever figure out why it's not happening if I keep protecting myself as the fat girl.

And I also don't want to keep on letting the years go by without putting myself out there.

I know I am doing this for my health, that's the ultimate goal.

But I have to admit, (and I do want to fight the media idea of beauty) the motivation now IS my broken heart.

I have blamed a lot of my problems being fat. My weight has always fluctuated since I was 18, usually when I've had long term boyfriends or just felt like being a hermit.
When I was 24 (I'm 28 now), I was bartending at a club and was 110 pounds. I got A LOT of attention from guys - I know it had something to do with my confidence level and let's face it, guys love the bartender chick serving them drinks, but I attributed a lot of the attention to me being thin and cute.
Over a couple years, I gained about 25 pounds. When I was 26, I was going to bars again - a few guys were interested in me but not like they had been. That made me depressed and I became a hermit again and gained even more weight then - which leaves me to now taking the weight off.
I know I shouldn't measure my happiness on how guys think of me. I know I need to be happy with myself first and foremost, and I'm working on that before I even think about dating again - but I do feel like my age is creeping up on me and I haven't had a serious boyfriend in years.
I think people are right when they say that you always find a relationship when you're not looking for it - to put yourself first and take care of yourself and realize your goals.
I realize that for the past 10 years all I can think about are guys and what they think about me and finding the right guy to marry so that he can take care of me and we can have kids together, but what can I give a guy right now?
I need to get healthy and figure out what I want to do with my life and figure out the things (other than guys) that makes me happy. And THEN I can think about having something serious. Until then, I should just stay single!
And honestly, even though I'm pretty much a lurker, now that I have found 3fatchicks, I can say that eating healthy and exercising is making me happy! I am actually enjoying reading about nutrition and reading all of the support that you guys give. It's an amazing to be really into something like this. Thanks guys!

Oh sweetie I wanna tell you that you're beautiful no matter what and not to listen to other people. But I know its hard dealing with weight and dating. I've had guys not wanna be with me because I was chunky (I dont like the F word), and especially not wanna be with me because my best friend was a short cute blondie with huge boobies. They looked at her before they looked at me. I kinda hid behind that for a long time too. People can be so superficial sometimes. I dunno..by my senior year though, I switched schools and stopped caring what other people thought of me, because really..nobody should judge you just based on looks. I came out of my shell, started actually chatting guys up. But they didnt interest me because I was falling for dh all over again (we went out our freshman year)..and by the time we had our first date, I knew I was gonna marry him. He loves me for ME. He saw past everything and saw me for who I really am. And after all my drama, he's still here (Lord knows I pushed him away a thousand times).



I hope your heart doesnt stay broken. You seem like a wonderful person. You never know..you could meet your future husband at the gym or walking into a store!! Like I said, nobody should judge you based on how you look. For all they know, they could be passing up such a wonderful person and not even realize it.


Good luck with the weight loss!!!

I know alot of women who attract men because of their inner beauty and how they carry themselves. You need a guy who will love you for how you are now.... If your walking with your head hanging and to the ground and not loving yourself how can you expect others to love you back? Hold your head up, smile and I have no doubt people will love you for who you are...and men will be attracted to your beautiful smile..... attitude, its all in the attitude

I'm not saying not to lose weight...no way...we do it for our health, but it shouldn't stop you from living and being who you were meant to be

.

I understand completely with how you're feeling. I didn't start attracting guys until I returned from a year in Japan where I lost 30 lbs. Now I've gained the weight back thanks to my horrid meds, but I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful boyfriend who actually thinks I am MORE attractive now than I was back then despite the 50 lbs I need to lose. I think he's weird, but I love him nonetheless. Still, it's possible to attract guys even if you're bigger. I know a lot of bigger girls who have boyfriends. You know what sets them apart?

Confidence. Plain and simple.

If losing weight will make you more confident, all the more power to you. I know it'd make me more confident right now in other areas of my life. I wish you the best of luck in your weight loss journey because I know it can be so tough when you've got depression/other issues. To quote one of my favorite movies (and a low-cal cookie to anyone who can name the film), "Never give up, never surrender!"

good point. it's about the confidence. and i should figure that out because that may not change even with weight loss. although i am feeling better eating well.

thanks lessthansign3!

(i don't know the movie.)

I always thought that my weight was the reason no men wanted to be with me. I'm still not sure if it wasn't, but my boyfriend now tells me that's insane. He's concerned about the dieting not only because he knows I struggled with an eating disorder several years before I met him, but because he doesn't want me to get too skinny and lose my breasts.

Mostly he's just a wonderful man and I love him dearly. But I don't know if he would have noticed me in the first place if I had weighed 20 pounds more than I do! Good guys will say that they like us for who we are, not what we look like, but I've always been afraid of being the Fat Chick. Which of course is why I'm now a Fat Chick on a Diet.

hey jerzy - i can totally identify with everything you're feeling. i've definitely been there. most of my attempts at weight loss have been so that i would be more attractive to men. i agree with all that's been said above. i just want to add something else i've learned. if you lose weight and date some guy who asked you out because of your looks, how will you ever know if he loves you or your body? i know not all guys are that shallow. but for me, knowing that my boyfriend fell in love with me when i was fat has helped me to realize that i am beautiful and loveable on the inside. and that i don't HAVE to lose weight for him to be with me.

i still need to work on my confidence and self-esteem, and i've also struggled with depression. i think that being more confidant could help me lose weight. but losing weight won't automatically make me confidant and happy and make all my problems go away.

Oh, do I know what you mean re: your brother and your mother. I got the same talk from my mother when I was in 6th grade!! The words are burned into my memory..."Now is the time when boys start looking at girls...."
What do you mean Mom? "Well, it's time to lose that weight or no one will look at you."
Ughhhhhhhhhh
I have other memories I cannot let go of... "If you get that hair cut you'll look like a mountain with frizz on top."-- is the one I hear often.
I'm trying to replace bad thoughts with good ones.... hard to do sometimes.

kittycat - similar memory - i was maybe 14 and my dad made a comment to me after my favorite older cousin came to visit. she was obese, and i don't remember his exact words, but my dad made a comment to me about how she is such a wonderful person but will be lonely because of how she looks. then he said, "be careful that doesn't happen to you." doesn't sound like that bad of a comment, but for a young girl who is already worried about her appearance and about what boys will think of her, it just emphasized that idea that happiness is based on being physically attractive to the opposite sex.

My mother's constant refrain was "you're not fat, but you could stand to lose ten pounds." The funny thing is, I look back at pictures of me when she was saying that, and I wasn't fat! I weighed in the 130s when I was in high school, and that was healthy! I wore a size 8! It just amazes me to think of it, because I always thought I was so fat, and then I started to actually become fat. I have to wonder if this would have happened if I had been treated like I was healthy and beautiful back then instead.

Instead we built an unhealthy relationship where, by the time I was 18, I flinched whenever she touched me because I expected her to pinch me and comment on my weight. I didn't get the courage to confront her about it until I was well into my first year of college and was finally on the antidepressants that I need to live a normal life. And by then the damage was done.

The funny thing is that I still feel like I'm losing the weight for her. I don't want to be the fat daughter anymore. I hate that. I want her to look at me and see ME, not my weight. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I hope so.

emmyroo,

i have a similar situation in that i was thinner in high school, but my mom constantly commented on my weight. the funny thing is, she is very overweight. her defense was (is) that she wants me to do something before it's too late. also that when she was in her 20s, she made sure she was thin so that she could date.

i realize that my confidence is not too different now than it was when i was active and thinner and am hoping that therapy will untangle all of that.

but thank you all for your stories.

this is what i need.

when i wrote this, i forgot to mention that the cousin i mentioned is still overweight today. but she is happily married with 2 kids. my dad was wrong.

My mom is also overweight. Now that I'm losing weight I'm trying to encourage her to lose with me. That's exactly what it was, though - she's struggled with her weight for her whole life and she wanted me to know that it's easier if you just don't gain it all in the first place. I definitely wish she'd chosen another way to help, though! Like going to the park to play frisbee or something. Something positive instead of negative.