Quote:
Originally Posted by countrygirl7902
the times that i have cheated on my "diet" haven't actually made me gain any weight back. it has slowed my progress down, but honestly i don't want to lose the weight faster if it means i have to be miserable the entire time. i love food  and can't survive on only "healthy stuff" the rest of my life. so if eating all my favorites on a special day means i won't quite make it to my monthly goal this time, i can live with that. i had a really guilt-free holiday  |
OK Ladies & Gents ~ This seems to be the most fitting place for me to post a little more about myself. First of all, Lola, you expressed yourself so well in this part of your post. I couldn't have said it better myself. I was trying to figure out a way to explain to you ladies how I felt on Thanksgiving this year and then BOOM... there it was... you wrote exactly how I felt.
I want to share with all of you
WHY my weight loss journey is actually working this time unlike the many attempts before. Almost two years ago, smack in the middle of Christmas and New Years my 19 year old niece went to the doctor as she had a couple days of fever and some swollen glands in her neck. They admitted her right from the doctor's office and a day later was diagnosed with Cancer. Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Stage 4 (for those of you who don't know, it's the worst stage). It was everywhere... growing very aggressively. I know you aren't supposed to have favorites but she is my favorite niece... also my godchild. She was a great kid, high honor roll cuz she busted her butt for it, no smoking, no drugs, an occasional wine cooler, supportive boyfriend. Not that anyone deserves it but she was such a good kid....
Anyway... she underwent a couple weeks of chemo where she got it every day followed by 52 weeks of chemo. No, that wasn't a typo. 52 friggin' weeks of chemo. She turned 20 along countless blood transfusions, infections, hair loss, major weight gain from the steriods, monster chemo headaches, throwing up constantly, in the hospital more than out, home on IV's, etc. This young lady smiled through all of it showing such incredible strength and bravery. Her friends and boyfriend were incredible.... staying in on Friday nights with her to have pizza and movies rather than be out like most college kids would.
Anyway... I gained a lot of weight through 2006 as I was on the road A LOT. They live in Buffalo, I live in Syracuse and her treatments were in Rochester (half way between our cities). That meant a lot of drive thru eating. Can you say "Do you want fries with that?" ugh. I was at every doctor appt., every scan, every chemo, etc. to support my niece and my sister, her hubby and other niece so that was a lot of fries!!
In January 2007 she got scanned and we got the good news: NO MORE CANCER. Gone.
In February/March she fell and was having back pain. Thinking the pain was due to the fall she started seeing a chiropractor. Her bloodwork and exams were still "normal" as far as any recurring cancer goes. She continued with normal exams and bloodwork through April but in May came down with a high fever again so the doctor ordered a PET scan immediately to look for cancer.
Now, mid-May my Mother ended up in the hospital with a "cardiac event". Not quite a heart attack but something going on with changes on the EKG. This started a series of "almost heart attacks, but not quite" whatever the **** that means. In the hospital, out of the hospital, tests, biopsies, angiogram, stent, more biopsies. Something not quite right according to MD's... hmmmm.
Thursday, May 31 my niece has her PET scan.
Thursday, May 31 my mom calls and tells me her biopsies are back... she has cancer. Cancer of Unknown Primary... Stage 4.
Friday, June 1st my niece calls me. Her cancer has returned. Apparently the back pain was from a tumor growing all this time. Grew so aggressively in her spine it shattered one of her vertebrae. So she not only has cancer but a broken back.
I kick into "OK... what are we gonna do about this?" mode. Go to all the appointments now for my Mom and my niece. I should remind you all, I'm a nurse so that really helped them as I could relay the medical terms to my family in words they understood. More time on the road... more drive thru....more fries.
A couple weeks later we learn my niece will be having a stem cell transplant as her only hope. I learn, from talking to the MD on my own, that my Mom has less than a year to live. 4-6 months without chemo, double that with chemo. Guess who gets to tell Mom?? Me. Guess who gets to tell all my siblings? Me.
At this point I'm on the road making it to these tests and appointments. When I'm home I'm either at work or spending precious time with my daughter or hubby. The weight of the world is on my shoulders but I don't feel like it can be any other way. Daughter still has a life to lead... play practice, piano lessons, school, etc. I have to be there for everyone.... I want to be.
Wednesday, July 11th. I come home from work and start crying. I climb in bed and cry. I can't stop. I'm having anxiety, I'm sobbing, I can't even force a smile for my daughter when she comes in the room. All I can think is "I don't want to do this." "I can't do this." Now, to get my hubby to take the day off from work is like parting the red sea... but... he took off the next two days to stay home with me. I couldn't stop crying for THREE days. Didn't shower, didn't get out of bed, didn't eat, would fall asleep and wake up in a panic sobbing, didn't take phone calls, etc. Hubby MADE me get out of bed... we went to the movies. Now, I'm a psychiatric nurse for the love of God, I know the right things to do but it's not so easy when it's you. So I agreed... went to the movies and to dinner after. I sobbed through both, have no idea what the movie was about and didn't eat my dinner. Went home and climbed back in bed. This was the end of day 3 and this is when the shift happened. I went from being depressed about my mom and niece and crying over them to internalizing everything toward myself. My self esteem dropping, apologizing to hubby for being so needy and crying so much, apologizing for not being there for my daughter, apologizing for not being strong enough to handle this, etc. I was spiraling downward quickly. I know this pattern from going through my post partum depression and it scared the **** out of me. Now I've been taking a very lose dose antidepressant since my post partum so that night I called my MD and increased the dose. I slept.
The next morning I went out and sat on my deck and made a life altering decision. I can't do anything about the fact that my niece has to have a stem cell transplant. I can't do anything about my mother dying. Both are going to happen whether I stay in bed or not. What I CAN do is take care of me. I made the decision that morning that I have to come out "OK" on the other side of all this. That is the only choice I have and the only one I have any control over. Yes, what is happening to my mother and my niece suck and the double whammy of it all is incredible but I have a husband and a 12 year old little girl that need me and I have a lot of friends who are truly willing to help out in any way if I just let them.
So I started to let them by calling and leaning on them. Some days I leaned pretty hard, too. I started seeing my therapist again to talk things out, kept taking the new dose of meds, started eating healthy choices, started watching my portion sizes and started going to the gym to work out my feelings in a positive way. AND I called all my siblings and told them that I'm not the only one who can sit and watch chemo drip into our Mother... they all need to get their butts to the hospital and sit with Mom, too!!
Here we are... 4 months later... My niece had her stem cell transplant... it was very difficult for her... she made it!! She had surgery on her back to fix the shattered vertebrae... They took one of her ribs, did a bone graft from her pelvis, built the vertebrae, put a metal cage around it with screws and pins and she's slowly getting better and is CANCER FREE once again. My Mom has had several chemo treatments, many blood transfusions, the sickness, etc. but is doing well. She's not as sick as she thought she would be, just very, very tired. She takes a long nap every afternoon and is still able to enjoy herself in the mornings and evenings. We have had some great conversations and I learned some things I wouldn't have learned had we not had this time. Certain conversations you just don't have unless you know you're running out of time and I'm grateful for those conversations. AND I've lost 32 pounds and still going strong. Choosing to do the weight loss
right now and focusing on it is what will get me through.
OK... back to Thanksgiving and what Lola said originally. Due to my niece and my mother's cancers, EVERYONE came home for Thanksgiving from all over the USA. We had a great day with every sibling, spouse, grandchild, niece, nephew, enjoyed each other, took lots of pictures. There was no way in **** I was going to "diet" on that day. I had one day with them... all of them and could very well be the last one we ALL have together.
When Lola said "but honestly i don't want to lose the weight faster if it means i have to be miserable the entire time", was exactly how I felt. I enjoyed my family, I ate, I didn't care and I don't feel bad. I haven't lost site of my need to come out of this whole journey "OK" but it is certainly ok to put it aside sometimes and simply enjoy life.
Ladies & Gents, I didn't mean for this to be so incredibly long. Thank you so much for listening to me. I'm grateful to have each of you to share this weight loss journey with so we can support each other along the way. You are, WE are, all truly amazing.
Warning: Long Post Depression & Weight Loss
