[cjc92802]

I'm Carrie, 28 year old SAHM to a 2 year old daughter and 4 month old twin girls. I had depression since my 1st daughter was born in Feb 05, when she was about 2 months old. My OB tried to put me on drugs immediately - I didn't want that becaues I was nursing. I never sought out any treatment, only self-care through exercise, which worked.

My depression went away "magically" when I found out we were pregnant again in April 06. (I noticed that my mood was better, and then found out I was pregnant, not the other way around.) I had a great outlook, no depression, wonderful pregnancy, and healthy twins in Dec 06...and the depression came back almost immediately.

They are nursing, and I know that the low estrogen levels that accompany exclusive breastfeeding can exacerbate depression. I have a family history (my mom) as well. Having multiples is another risk factor for depression, as is having closely spaced children (mine are 22 months apart). I am an attachment parent, which is very difficult (but not impossible) with multiples.

My symptoms are feeling out of control, wild and unexplained mood swings, feelings of extreme self loathing, suicidal thoughts (more feeling that I regret that I cannot, because of my children and husband), and irritability/anger. These symptoms have improved with exercise and totally revamping my eating style....but I worry that I'm now becoming obsessed with WL/calorie counting. I'm someone who easily gets obsessed with things, all-or-nothing personality. I can be feeling very happy and positive, and then something (babies crying, bang my elbow on the door, trip over something, notice the kitchen is a wreck) will trigger these feelings....and unfortunately, getting back to happy doesn't happen as quickly as getting upset.

Am I just shifting my feelings onto weight loss? This is such a taboo issue, but I hope there are some on here who have some insight. It's taken a lot for me to get to a point where I can acknowledge that I am having problems. I don't think it should be "off-limits" - that makes it so much worse.

Thanks.

[Leenie]

Hi Carrie,

First welcome to 3FC's we are so glad you found us.

Big big hugs to you girlie, you've got your hands full for sure.
Have you spoken to your doctor about the thoughts and feelings you are having? They sound very very serious. I know you said you are nursing but it sounds like you are ready for some CARRIE time and maybe some meds (maybe not long term either) to help you and your family along. Remember, if Mama ain't happy, nobodies happy so you really need to start thinking about you. I know its so hard especially when guilt comes in and starts messing with our minds but you can do it, you need to do it.

You sound like such a sweet person

There's a weekly thread with lots of supportive ladies that would love to have you there.

Hope to see you there, Leenie