Hi everyone! By the time my DD had her gall bladder removed, the surgeon told her it'd probably been acting up for 5 or 6 years. She thought she was developing multi food sensitivities! She had one debilitating attack and they took it out that evening. She's been good ever since.

I have another dentist appt this morning. My little white pill is ready but I'm going to have to get my act together after because I work at 3 pm. I'm thinking a bubble bath might help and a small nap at noon.

I should get skates again in the fall. Our neighbours make a lovely rink. It would be fun for a change. I'm not good, kinda look like a bumbling 3 y o ... but it'd be fun.

Hi Ladies,

I'll be in soon to catch up and do personals, this is the last week of my coworker and I am craming every bit of info from her into my brain, I can't see strait anymore

LUV YAH'S !!!

Good morning all. Not really used to getting up early any more. I've always liked sleeping in and have taken full advantage since I quit my job. I had to take my fiance to pick up his truck this a.m., so it forced me to get up like the rest of the world.

I've been saying this, but I really need to get back into life. I'm just hiding in my house at this point. I have a tendency to want to do this, but never really had the opportunity till now. I feel so completely useless: no job, no idea what I want to do, not dieting, not cleaning, I am a slug and soon when my savings dwindles will be a leech. I have always paid my own way and soon may have to ask for help. What is my problem? or what isn't?

You all seem so active, how do you manage to do it all with depression? I think not having kids allows me to get away with doing less than most, I guess. I am sick of my own whining.

Hope, honey - I've been hiding in my house for years.

To be honest, I don't FEEL very active, but I probably sound it... I credit a LOT of it to finding a medication that works for me (FINALLY!!!) and getting enough sleep. It took at least four months of sleeping regularly to get a grip... that sleep deficit had really built up!

I started, to be absolutely honest, by being terrified (still am, most days!) but forcing myself to get out of the house and do something... take skating. I went to that first lesson shaking - cried all the way home and declared to my DH I was never going again: I was too fat, too clumsy, too tired... but I DID go back. Okay, so I fell and cracked my head (!) but that's the worst that could happen, pretty much. And I did DO it.

The shows I do are harder - the audition nearly paralyzes me; but it is SO much fun, and a social thing too... yes, there are days when I think - oh they must all be staring at me because I am 'the fat girl' (and there are LOTS of skinny Dancers with a Capital D who moan on about how fat they are - I always want to say to them "shut up! I look like I ATE you!") but I just keep going, because it is better for me than hiding.

It's like walking - I put off going out like you wouldn't believe! And for the first 20 minutes or so, I curse in my head - "I hate exercise - why am I doing this? Grrrr!" and then, all of a sudden, it feels good - I blame endorphins! - and I'm glad I went out. And even remembering how good it felt, even typing about it right now - I STILL don't want to go!

You know what else? I spent a LOT of years not doing anything that my husband wouldn't do with me... and after he broke my heart, I KNEW I had to do something for myself. Even now, on this journey, he tests me: "Don't you want some <insert food of choice here>??" Well, he doesn't mean to, I'm sure, but he has seen me lose and gain twenty pounds over and over and over. In a way, I don't blame him. And as awful as my heartbreak was, it really DID make me stronger. Of course, so did the medication!!!

Okay - I've rambled enough. Thinking of you honey

Heather

Heather, thank you so much for sharing that with me. Sometimes I do feel like the only one with the 'hiding' issue, though I know I can't be. I have so much shame about not wanting to participate in ANYTHING. I just want to stay home all day and eat. Every meal is an event, but of course that makes me fatter and therefore not want to go anywhere. Why I'm explaining I don't know, you all know what I mean I'm sure even if you don't battle with this.

Last Sat. night had to go to the wedding reception of an aquaintance. I wouldn't even let myself think about it till that day b/c of the anxiety of having to go somewhere fat with nothing appropriate to wear. Yes, it's warm here and there is nothing worse to me than summer b/c I can't dress appropriately. Jeans and long sleeves in hot weather on a fat chick = sweat+near heat stroke. I know I should have put on a nice bright dress, but wore the signature black pants. Can't take it much longer, but can't seem to fix it. I was just praying all day that my fiance would decide not to go. Didn't happen, and in the end I know it meant alot to the couple and was glad I went for their sake.

This is my life, trying to get out of things, making excuses, and who are we kidding, becoming an expert in lying to do so. I hate it and myself for it.

I'm like you, if I can make myself do something, I usually am glad that I did, usually. Sometimes however, a near panick attack ensues, and I don't always know which it will be.

While in NY in December, I had a meltdown b/c my fiance was taking pictures of me. I didn't want to take them, but when I saw them I started hyperventilating and burst into tears. Puts a damper on the day, trust me. I was so ashamed of the pictures and maybe more so of my behavior.

Getting off that, I was wondering what kind of shows you do: plays, dance shows? That sounds like great fun to me. Always wanted to act or dance. Weight of course holds me back. I was thinking that if I can reach or come near goal again my reward would be taking a dance class.

Well this is long enough and to my surprise, my neighbor has lit a spark in me to actually go mow the yard. He always has to out-do the neighborhood, but he is losing it now. He mowed his yard Friday, I mowed Sat., and to beat me he mowed again Sunday! But now he is at it again on Wed. He is clearly a sick man, but I'm going to out and cut ours a half an inch shorter than his so his will look too long! I suspect he will be in counseling by the end of the day!

Hope - hahahaha Your 'neighbourly kindness' made me laugh. My next-door-neighbour has one of those award-winning gardens, and when I tell people where I live, they almost always say "OH! Is your house the one with the amazing garden?" and I always have to try to smile and say "no, we're next door... with the cat poop and dug-up borders!"

I do musicals, mostly. I'm not much of a dancer (OBVIOUSLY!!) but I can sing well and I'm a pretty solid actress (and apparently not modest about it! hahaha )... you could think about doing some community theatre in your area - it's a great way to get out and do something, burn LOADS of calories (and you can't usually eat during rehearsal!!) and there is almost ALWAYS someone bigger than me - and I am a BIG GIRL!

Hope - what kind of medication (if any) are you on? I was switched to Seroquel in January to combat the side effects of Lamactal, and then taken off the Lamactal (THANK GOODNESS) and upped the Seroquel to 200mg/day. I realise no one drug will work for everyone, but this has changed my life... in fact, I know ABSOLUTELY that I wouldn't even be trying to lose weight now if I wasn't on it. This is after at least 20 years of depression, and 15 years of a variety of different anti-depressants.


Heather

Ok, I guess the computer ate my response.

For the first time I'm between insurance and out of meds. I was on Zoloft, whick was OK, but killed my sex drive. I switched to Welbutrin which wasn't nearly as good, but still no sex drive. Don't have one now even off the meds, but then again I'm not interested in ANYTHING. Things I used to enjoy seem stupid and a waste of time. The best luck I ever had believe it or not was with St. John's Wort. When I remembered to take it on time, 3x a day, it would actually make me feel good, not just not bad, but sometimes giddy. It was great, but apparently it interferes with birth control.

How is yours? Does it make you feel good, or just not terrible?

It would be easy to say it makes me feel... okay, and not terrible. However, when I think back on the crazed, moody, suicidal nut-case I used to be (not so long ago), I'm going to lean towards 'it makes me feel good'. It was gradual - it took a good few weeks, and then one day I realised "I'm not thinking of ways to kill myself today!" And then my husband said to me: "You know, when you don't have PMS, you're practically normal these days..." which sounds funny, but is actually quite a huge leap forward for me!

Could you possibly get back on the St John's Wort until you are working and insured? That may not be possible, I realise.

It must be very hard for you right now, not working, being at home, and without medication or motivation. We're here for you, though


Heather

Mission accomplished on the yard!! Chalk one up for the crazy depressed chick next door!!

I've considered the St John's but I am afraid of the pregnancy thing. Not in a good state for motherhood right now to say the least. But as I alluded to, that's not too big of a possibility, but once is all it takes. Who knows though, I may give in if I stay out of work much longer.

Hi everyone

Not much new here. Cloudy and foggy today so I'm hiding. Slept most of yesterday as I took a full pill (as prescribed) instead of my normal half. Thanks for sharing Heather and Hope, I have problems leaving the house as well. Take today, I have to go and put in a mortgage payment at the bank as its due today. I really should put it in during the day, but I can't quite seem to force myself to go out this afternoon, so I'm hoping it will be fine to put it in this evening when I take C for her judo practice. I'm not sure what the problem is except that I'm worrying about my van breaking down again, I keep thinking "something" feels off. I figured getting the tune up and inspections would take that away and then there was a problem when the fuel line popped off. So now I'm onto worrying about my brakes, I just can't win. And I always worry and obsess that there won't be enough money to cover everything. We seem to have enough, but when there are unexpected expenses I just can't see how we can cover them etc. I keep thinking if I got a job then I would feel more in control of something, but the idea of committing myself to going out daily scares the heck out of me. Also the couple of jobs I have had didn't last long as my anxiety would be so great that I would have major migraines just thinking of going back and be completely miserable and useless. So I'm not sure what to do. I've often wondered about the ladies on here holding down jobs, having their families and socializing, how they do all of that with depression and anxiety, I really admire them, but can't get my head around how a person can do it all.

Anyway enough of that, on a happier note, A and I met up with my dear friend Cilla on Monday and had a wonderful and long walk. Cilla is all done her chimo and radiation and is starting to feel better, plus her hair is growing back. I took my blood pressure this morning and to my surprise its 139/94 with a pulse of 67, I know its still high, but for me its great. I definitely have to keep up with the walking. Oh and A got a phone call on Monday to set up for a job interview on Saturday, its at a place that she really would like to work at, so I hope it goes great for her. That would be a load off of my mind knowing that she can cover her own tuition and books.

I should go and get something done. A tidied up the living room after she cleaned cages and all I've done is last nights dishes so I better go and at least make the bed.

Take care everyone and have a wonderful day,
K

K-didn't know if you worked or not. I find that the longer I stay away from working, the more anxiety I have about getting a job. That really scares me b/c I need to work for many reasons: debt, retirement savings, and just general life-stlye maintenance. I think too it forces me to get up and out. Too much time on my hands has never been good. Too much time to think. I never thought I would be a stay-at-home wife or mom either. Always thought I would have an important high-paying career and be one of those independent, strong women. Nobody mentioned that being wacko may hinder that dream.

I know what you mean about leaving the house to pay a bill. Sometimes the smallest task seems overwhelming. Last week I needed to take a bill to the post office and just drop it in the box. Didn't even have to get out of the car and I couldn't get myself to do it. I just spoke to my friend that had visited last week. She was dreading going home b/c she needed to wash a shirt for work tomorrow. She said " I know it's stupid, but I just don't want to go upstairs and bring the shirt down to wash it. If it was already downstairs I could do it."

Well, I too need to do last night's dishes and a load of laundry b4 my fiance gets home so I don't feel so bad since he's worked hard all day. I think the yard mowing should be a definite brownie point too.

I've always been thankful I have a job to go to. Or I'd probably never go out of the house. I need things that have to be done ... like going to get the mail.

Good morning ladies!

I guess everyone is busy this morning. Rainy, cold and damp here, but that's fine as I get to stay inside for the rest of the day.
Put the material in the wash for the girls costumes, so that I can get started on them. Then of course the rest of the laundry as the girls were doing the sock hunt this morning. I guess the dryer has been particularly hungry lately as the sock pile sure is getting smaller!
I got the cheque in the machine last night and on time, thankfully and got our tax returns in the mail (due Apr 30) Then when I got home gave myself a good talking to as I knew hubby was tired from an extremely long day and didn't need to deal with me being totally flaky. Now after a good nights sleep I have to admit I do feel better and of course everything is in its proper perspective, at least for now

Hope and Susan I agree that having a job and a reason to get up and out are very important. That's one reason that I have always walked up to the bus with the girls as it got me dressed and then I would usually go for a walk around the block, since I'm dressed and outside anyway. And its the reason that I've been seriously considering finding a job, I just have no idea where I fit in. My hubby is a truck driver and not home a lot, so I've been the one that's always home for the girls. And I am really grateful that I've been able to spend all that time with them while they were little and go and volunteer at their schools etc, a lot of parents don't get that opportunity. Even though they are older now I still have to drive my oldest to school as she doesn't have a license and we live out of town, plus my youngest is in judo so I have to get her to and from practices and if she goes to out of town tournaments and as I said with my hubby's job, that just leaves me. Hubby says I already have a full time job so he isn't pushy, which is nice, but it also gives me something to hide behind and not force myself out. Ah I'll get it worked out eventually
Hope how goes the "lawn" war? That is to funny. We don't have grass yet as half our yard still has snow and the other half is swampy with the run off, but at least we can see ground.

Well I better go I procrastinated so much yesterday I have to do some catch up today. I should pull out something from the freezer and get a stew going in the crock pot or something as its so cold and damp feeling.

Take care all and have a wonderful day!
K

Hi All

Stew sounds great K! I envy your snow. It rarely snows here anymore and I really miss it. Global warming I guess. I don't know how you do it with raising kids. That scares me more than any job ever could. I'm 36 now and need to decide soon if I want kids. Doing what you have to do for them can't be avoided. It's 24/7 and no breaks. Yikes.

Susan, I know what you mean about having things that have to be done. If I have an option to do something I almost always choose not to. That again is why kids scare me. You have to do so much, you can't avoid things anymore. Too scary! K, you should be applauded for doing what you do. I don't think I have it in me. I used to think I'd be a great mom, but now with this anxiety, avoidance thing I don't know.

My yard looks good but I noticed my neighbor was watering his for the first time this a.m. although it is supposed to rain for 2 days. Crazy.

I actually had some energy this morning and washed the sheets, did more laundry, and the dishes. Planned to wash the dog, but I feel the energy just leaving me and some dread creeping in. I also need to do bills, but with this feeling, I don't know what will happen.

hope:
funny thing about kids,you some how find strength.You just do it without thinking,they become your savior of all anxiety procrastination,you feel like you have purpose for everything that you do, I sometimes wonder what I would have been like without my DD and I cant imagine life any other way.so you see you can look at it from both sides now.I think you would make a great mom.You already worry like a mom LOL.

Buddly: hang in there
for everyone else