Hi everyone. I have been reading posts on here and I am just fascinated with the amount of support that is out there. It’s truly remarkable that people are being able to tell others how they feel about their relationship with food. I only wish that I would have found this site when I needed the most support.
Here’s a little background on me: I used to be a binge eater. I would binge just about daily. I went from a size 0 to a size 14 very quickly. Food was the only thing that I could find comfort in when I was feeling any kind of emotion: happy, sad, bored, angry. It didn’t matter. Food was there when I wanted to celebrate and food was there when I wanted to not worry about what was going on in my life. It was my escape.
I was stuck in such a sick cycle. I hated myself and hated feeling fat. I hated what I was doing to myself, yet I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how to stop and part of me didn’t know what I would do if I did stop. After a binge, I would experience so many negative feelings, as I’m sure y’all can relate to. I would feel more hatred for myself, more guilt for what I had just eaten, and more pounds for my already expanding body. I lied to everyone when the subject turned to food. No one knew that I binged and that was the way that I wanted it. I felt ashamed and just wanted to hide it from everyone.
My breaking point wasn’t exactly one specific thing. After so many years of bingeing, it was time to change my life. I was not happy and I knew that I was only heading in a terrible direction of loneliness and unhappiness. The once funny, outgoing girl had completely shut herself off from the people that cared about me the most. I didn’t know how to handle *me* anymore. So many sad times.
I remember one time I went to visit my mom and she told me that one of our family friends had recently seen a picture of me and didn’t recognize that it was me because of the extra weight. This comment was so hurtful to me, like I didn’t know that I had gained a lot of weight. I had a mirror. I just left and drove to Taco Bell and McDonalds, ordered enough food to feed 5 people and ate it all within a matter of minutes. I figured the food would at least help me fight back the tears that I didn’t want to come out.
Enough about me… I just wanted to tell everyone in this forum that what you are doing is so awesome and I hope that you all find the support that you need to get through this. Reading some of these stories reminds me of why I am doing what I am doing. I wish you all success in ending binge eating.
Sure! There are so many things that I did to aid in the process of overcoming it. I remember the night that I was eating nachos, quesadillas, 2 tacos, 1 burrito, and plenty of chips and salsa ( I ordered the appetizer for 4 and a couple of side items as well) and when I was done I felt disgusted with myself as usual. My boyfriend had been out of town for 1 week and this was the last night of the week. I had binged every night. It was so exciting to have the house to myself – I just associated that with bingeing.
Anyways, when I was trying to go to sleep that night, I decided that I didn't want to live my life this way anymore. The hardest thing for me to do, and the most important, was to tell someone. When my boyfriend came home the next day, I told him everything. I finally let him into my world and it felt good. Of course I was a mess and crying and wondering what he was thinking and if he thought I was gross, etc. It was very emotional to say the least. He was really great and supportive about the whole thing and suggested that I call a therapist for help. I had never seen a therapist, but I thought it was worth a shot, so I called. Long story short - I found an excellent one and that was the beginning for me.
Therapy alone wasn't enough though. While it was great talking about the things that made me binge in the past and realizing my triggers - I still needed to work on myself. I started reading so many personal development books to try to build my self love up. I began journaling about my binges and everything that I felt. I starting learning about affirmations. I started planning out how I wanted my life to be when bingeing wasn't a part of it anymore and that is what I really focused on.
Another thing that I did was to figure out what my trigger foods were and to try to not eat them. I didn't restrict myself from them, but I tried my hardest to make sure that these foods were not readily available. I never bought them at the grocery store. If I did want something bad enough, I had a whole list of different things that I would do to try to get my mind off of the binge. I remember one time that didn't work, so I gave in but with my boyfriend. This way I could kind of get what I wanted, but knew that I would not eat as much of it. Sounds crazy, I know.
Let me tell you that this was not so easy in the beginning. I wanted to stop bad, but when you feel like there is a force stronger than you telling you to binge, it’s hard. I won’t lie. I wasn’t successful at ending bingeing right away.
Wow, this turned out to be very long. There’s a ton more that I could say, but I will end it here.
Thank you for asking, by the way. Have a great night =)
Kristen, welcome!
Thank you so much for sharing your incredible journey with us. How fortunate you are to have such a supportive boyfriend.
Is there any chance you could share your list of "things you do to take your mind off binging"? That's one the things that everyone here struggles with.
I don't mind at all! Every urge to binge was different for me - Some made be feel so out of control and other times I felt like I was able to trick myself by doing something else.
Here are some of the things that I would do:
- I would go outside and go for a walk. As much as I wanted to eat, I would try to stay outside long enough for that urge to pass. I would try to work out all of my stress by being active outside, rain or shine. I found that it is really fun to walk outside in the rain by the way =) Another thing that I would do outside is look around at all of the pretty flowers. Sounds silly, but I would start to think of myself - not liking myself too much, yet knowing that I need to accept myself where I am right now. I noticed that when I didn't have binge food in the house and when I would go outside to walk (sometimes four times per day!), the feeling of bingeing would pass. How thankful I was!
-Another thing that I really liked to do was to take a nice relaxing bubble bath. I would set the mood for myself and light candles and have some Enya or Dido playing in the background. The lights were off, of course. I would stay in there until the water turned cold and I would think about positive things about myself.
- I also made affirmations up about myself about how I would like to be with food not being on my mind 24/7. I carried these affirmations in my purse, put them on the visor of my car, put a sticky on the refrigerator of them, and anywhere else I could think of. When I wanted to binge, I would read and say out loud my affirmation and this worked so so in the beginning. I found that you really need to put so much feeling in it for it to work. You really have to see yourself in that present mode.
- Writing in my journal was prob the best thing that I could have done for myself. That was the key in helping me find out what situations made me binge, etc. I would recommend that everything keep of journal and track everything!!! What time of the day they want to binge, if they binged or not, what foods they binged on, how much, etc. Write down everything!!
I know how hard it is to stop bingeing. If anyone hasn't tried any of the above, just try it out for a little and see if you notice anything different with your relationship to food and your attitude. It really helped me so much.
Thank you so much! It is so nice hearing such positive things.
I'm still not exactly where I would like to be, but I've accepted myself and hopefully I will get there someday.
It's funny because I thought that once I didn't binge the weight that I gained would just fall off - So not the case. It is coming off slowly, but it would be nice if it was faster
Eating is such a part of life. You meet friends for lunch or dinner, etc. It's just something that you have to do to live. It took me so long to not focus on food like I used to. I was totally the one that would plan my next binge out and find such joy in doing so. I was the one that also had food on my mind - when will I next be able to eat? What will I eat? It's hard to change that mentality, especially since I had it for so long, but I'm finally there and it's nice to not have binge foods dancing around in my mind all day long. Ha, ha.
Kristen, thank you so much for sharing with us.
I think one of our problems is that we want someone else to do this for us. It's too hard to make a bit of an effort, you know? I'm guilty of it myself. My psychiatrist suggested I start meditating again, and I'm thinking, "Where am I going to find 10 minutes to sit on my yoga mat? I'm BUSY!!"
Even just being mindful is a huge step, and that's hard work, too! When we're diving into the cookie bag, we don't WANT to have to stop to think, "Hey!! What are you doing? Two is plenty!"
It's hard work, and we don't want to do it.
Having said that, I'm going to kick my DH out of bed, grab my mat, and do some meditating.
Hey Ellis - I completely know what you mean about not feeling like there is a lot of time. My days are like that plenty! I just remind myself how bad I want to not binge anymore... When I do that, it's amazing how much time I can find for exercise, etc. Ha, ha. =)
Good for you for meditating! That is awesome!! Good job!
It is hard to make an effort, but do you ever imagine your life without bingeing in it? If you do, isn't it worth it? I binged for many years, so I was extremely guilty of wishing that there was a magic pill I could take to lose all the weight I gained AND to make me in control and not binge. Finally when I just got so sick of everything and I opened my mouth to tell my boyfriend - there was no turning back anymore. I followed the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing, so when I didn't have to tell anyone about my binges - its like they didn't count. Strange how we do this stuff to ourselves.
But, you are making an effort by just being on these boards and talking to other people that understand what you are going through. Like I said before, I wish that I had found this board when I really needed it because it would have been so helpful and would have let me know that I wasn't alone.
Keep making this effort by posting It seems like such a great little community here!
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I never really considered myself a binge eater. I just ate almost anything I ever wanted. I could see the pounds piling on year after year. I avoided going places where I would see distant family and friends because they never failed to tell me "how much " I had grown. I was hurting deep inside and seeing a mirror would make me cry.One thing that did help was when my doctor told my husband my actual weight. I always lied to him about it. He turned out to be very supportive and never loved me any less for the # on the scale. He tells me all the time how great I look but never makes fun of how big I was. He's never had a weight problem but has been fantastic. This board is truly fantastic, as we can share with others who have similar problems and are trying their best to gain control over food.
Wow! Your pictures are amazing. Congratulations for losing so much weight! It's also so wonderful that you have such a supportive husband =)
Isn't it funny how friends and family members think that they are doing you a favor by letting you know that you've gained weight? Like you don't feel your clothes getting tighter. Like you haven't looked in the mirror lately. Man. I think that is the worst part.
My mom told me once "You are beautiful, but would look so much better if you would just lose 15 pounds." (My mom is great, don't get me wrong, but she just felt like it was her duty to inform me, I guess)
Anyways, glad to hear that you have lost a lot of weight and are feeling better about yourself
Purplepansy, I just looked at your blog and loved your writing about lying. How true that is!
I used to lie to others about food. I HATED talking about food to anyone and would change the subject whenever it came up. If anyone would ask me to go to lunch, I would say no. I never wanted to eat in front of people.
My bingeing was extremely self-destructive ONLY in private. I never let anyone into "my world" of bingeing. Ever.
I've been there before - Congrats to YOU
How fortunate you are to have such a supportive boyfriend. 
