Hi ladies (and gents too!)
My name is Sarah Jane, and I've been prowling 3FC looking for the best place to post... and this forum seems best suited to me, because I often have problems binging. So I'll be posting here for a while... you'll be seeing more of me! (but if the dieting goes well, hopefully everyone will be seeing LESS of me...
)
Some background info about me. I just finished my freshman year of college, and when I left for college, I had recently lost a lot of weight. In total I lost about 60 pounds over the span of about 3 years... lost the first 20 or so my freshman/sophomore years of high school, and the rest came off my junior/senior year. When I left for college, I was about 130 pounds (180 was my highest.. I am 5'4"). I was thrilled about the way I looked, and I fought viciously against the freshman 15, determined to keep my weight down-- in fact, I lost about 10 pounds. I found other ways to deal with my emotions besides eating away my problems because I was so obsessed with being thin... when I bought my first pair of Abercrombie jeans in size 2, I literally cried in the mall with happiness. By my Aunt's wedding in February, I weighed 119, but I wasn't really eating much at that point (when I had a tiny taste of creme brulee at the wedding it was so rich for my stomach, which was used to being starved, that it made me sick).
But things have changed for me. One of the biggest things is drinking... I drank quite a bit at school. Okay I drank A LOT at school--entirely too much. In fact, most of the few calories that I WAS consuming were in vodka and rum. I didn't think it was a big deal... everyone in my group of friends drinks a lot (I'm friends with a lot of people in sororities and fraternities, the drinking headquarters of the USA). Also, I got really good grades, so I figured, what's the harm? Work hard, play hard, right? But when I talked to my boyfriend one night (he and I were in an on/off long distance relationship... he went to school in Florida, I went in Maryland, so things were tricky), he said to me "This isn't the Sarah I remember... I fell in love with a girl who was sweet and smart and responsible, not someone who drank until she blacked out every night of the weekend and became belligerent and out of control." That's when I knew it was time to stop. So in leui of alcohol... in comes the comfort foods.
Anyway. Even before I cut back on the jello shots, I was having problems. I guess after denying myself food for so long, when Spring Break came around and I went to the Dominican Republic on an all-inclusive vacation (yes, food/alcohol allllll free), I went nuts. The food there was divine, and I never hesitated to take second, third, fourth helpings, plus all those mixed drinks... well, by the time I got home I was 138, which is about where I am now. So I put on roughly 10 pounds in the month following my Aunt's wedding (just by eating normally again), and then 10 more by going out of control in the Caribbean. And now I can't get rid of the 20 pounds because I've fallen into dangerous eating patterns... during finals time, I would go to the mini mart and buy a box of Wheaties cereal (my ULTIMATE comfort food, along with white bread... screw sweets and junk food, give me empty white carbs, bread, pasta, rice ANY DAY), and would eat the entire box in one sitting, with tons and tons of sugar and cold milk on top. It was the only way I could bring myself to get through studying for finals. Now that I am back home, I still rely on those habits to get me through the stressful times, and I will binge (very occasionally followed by purging... but that has only happened oncce or twice in my life), to deal with stress. If I can't drink or smoke or do drugs or have sex with strangers (all addictive behaviors that I have either engaged in or considered engaging in as an alternative to food), what other choices do I have? That's how I feel when I'm having a weak moment.
So that's my background... sorry it was so long!!
Anyway. What prompted me to post tonight? Okay well another piece of background... my mother is bipolar, and well, I have always suspected that I, too, may have bipolar disorder, or at least show some strong characteristics of it. So today was a really down day... I just felt totally hopeless and shaken up and miserable. And it was just a bad day... my boyfriend left for a hockey tournament this afternoon and I won't see him for 4 days... that may not seem like a lot but well, we're kind of dependent on one another, time apart is very tough for us, especially after all that happened when we were apart at college. On top of that, his sister was being a royal brat today... she is a model, actually (and is sooo thin) so as a result she has always kind of intimidated me. Anyway to make a long story short after my boyfriend dropped me at home and said goodbye for the weekend I went to the cabinet, found the cereal.... the rest was a history of cereal/white bread/bagels/matzoh with butter/gummi worms. And my daddy just called to see if I want to order out Chinese with him when he gets home. Grrrrrrrr
I was so good with my eating for so long, and I was so, SO skinny... now, those Abercrombie 2's don't fit anymore. Actually my 4's don't either. Actually I haven't put on jeans for a while because the size depresses me.
That's all I have to say. And I want to add one more thing.... I noticed someone said a while back that they get irritated when people who are thin (the post said anyone under 140 lbs) complain about having an "extra piece of cake".... so I realize this may make some people go "hmph, who is she to complain about not being a size TWO?!" But I hope you'll understand that I've lost 60 pounds and I put on weight VERY easily if I do not starve myself, so it's not like I'm obsessing. It's a very real possibility for me to gain back the other 40 pounds this summer if I don't get my eating habits under control.
Ugh I could go on forever about how miserable I feel/how my clothes don't fit/how I feel like such a slug when I'm gaining weight and binging but I feel that I've typed enough already! lol.
xoxo Sarah Jane
We're glad to have you, although sorry you're binging. 
Sassy_Chick , 05-25-2006 04:59 PM
HarpoChicoGroucho , 05-25-2006 05:18 PM
KristenElizabeth , 05-25-2006 07:17 PM
Flady!
centrestage88 , 05-26-2006 05:15 AM
I've eaten enough calories today to feed a family of four. For a week. CURSES!!! 
mccrew_the_jew , 05-26-2006 08:34 PM
I am going to change the way I eat and keep going. Sure, there will be days when I go to bed hungary-lots of them!- but it is worth the overall change in my health and body image that is much more important. I don't want food to control me anymore and I am not going to let it! I control teh food not the other way around. After all, I am the one with the brain, and I can make the right choice. tomorrow I am starting off fresh! 
Because together we CAN do this! I am finally going to get off my but and change my life!!!!!
Hungry2Live , 05-26-2006 11:44 PM
