[britomart]

So today I realized something.

I was in the library doing some photocopying with a friend (woohoo, good times ), and it was almost time to go to class. She headed for the doors and I said, "I'll see you there, I'm going to grab a coffee." Normal, right?

Well, I knew -- knew -- I didn't want coffee, that I was going in to get a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. A big one.

So why did I lie? I mean, it's not an end-of-the-world lie. It doesn't affect anyone negatively except myself. So part of me wants to shrug it off and not try to recognize why I didn't tell the truth -- That I wanted a cookie. What's wrong with wanting a cookie? I've been eating pretty well lately, well enough to lose 2.5lbs of the 4+ I've put back on.

(Insert admission that my weight has been around 199, despite what the ticker says. I haven't wanted to change it (lying again?). I'm so afraid of getting back to 200 though, I was thrilled to see 196.5 this morning.)

Besides that, what was my friend going to do, judge me? "Ooh, she wants a cookie, that must be why she's fat! Fat people always want cookies!" *I* know I've been eating well, but other people don't. So I assume they'll assume I eat poorly, as reflected by a choice to have a cookie in the middle of a long day.

I know this trend of lying about things goes further back with me. WAY back, like to childhood. Hiding candy wrappers around. Taking spoonfulls of peanut butter and then actually throwing away the spoon because I didn't want anyone to see it in my room. (My parents eventually got sick of buying new spoons and I felt guilty.) Even a couple of weeks ago I bought a 1L thing of ice cream and ate it in one sitting while my fiance was out (yes, I felt sick later). He asked me a few days later where the ice cream went, I said I let our other roommates eat it. I admit that was a binge, somewhat different from just buying one single cookie. But I feel the EXACT same amount of guilt over the two situations.

I don't know what I'm looking for in posting this. I obviously have some emotional triggers with food, not only in what makes me eat and what it makes me eat, but also in letting other people know what I eat. In high school I would never eat in front of anyone else because of guilt, but in university, residence kind of makes you grow out of that one QUICK. I'm really surprised that my latest binge -- an entire batch of homemade muffins -- made it into my FitDay (and into this post! eek!).

I'd kind of like to know what goes on in your minds. Does anyone do this sort of thing? Lie about the stupidest little things, like buying ONE cookie, because you're afraid of what others will think? Why do other people's opinions (or assumed opinions) matter so much to some, and not at all to others?

Wow, this was long. I've just been thinking about these things a lot recently, and the cookie episode today made me really stop and wonder what the heck is going on.......

[dalai_lala]

You know, I've been thinking about this a lot myself lately - I even 'fessed up to the "secret eating" thing in a personal essay for one of my classes (shudder!). I think it's good that you (and I) are thinking about it and starting to talk about it more openly... I think that's a good first step.

Anyway, yes, I've done things like said I'm going for coffee when I'm really sneaking into the break room for another (like, 2nd or 3rd at least) piece of cake or donut. I think I do it because my mom taught me how. We used to run errands together, like going to the grocery store, and we'd stop for ice cream on the way home, but we had to eat it all and hide the evidence before we got home or my stepdad would give us crap about it. We'd drive the long way home or take a detour to be sure we had enough time to finish. I just learned early and hard that people disapproved of fat people having "bad" food and that we were supposed to hide it and feel guilty about it - but not actually stop doing it!

I have been a lot better about this lately. The one person I never hide things from is my husband, at least. He's a good guy, and he gets me, so I feel okay that he knows when I screw up. The only place I had been sneaking food in the past few years was at work. I was always talking about whatever stupid diet I was on and so didn't want anyone to see me cheating. I ate a whole lot of crap there... I'm glad I'm done with that place!

Anyway... I do commiserate with you. And congratulations on getting back to the 196!

-Lala

[HungryMonkey]

I also have a history of secret eating and think it has a lot to do with perfection. When I eat "bad" foods, I feel flawed and don't want others to see me in that light. Just my 2 cents...

[jcogs]

I too do this, I hide what I REALLY eat. Everyone is always telling me, "you eat like a bird, I don't understand why you have a weight problem", well, if they only knew what I ate when i'm alone. Drive thrus are my worst enemy. I know I can't blame it on the drive thrus, they don't force me in there :-( I tell myself over and over that i'm they only thing keeping me from doing this, you'd think I would have listened to myself by now!

Jeanette

[pinkgracelilly]

Oh my gosh - I can relate to all of this. Isn't it cool to know that there are others going thru this same thing? it brings me so much comfort.

it makes me so sad when i find myself lying about where i went and what i ate. no one gets why i am fat - they never see me eat that much. i hide food from everyone in my life. no noe has any idea of how much i eat. for some sick reason it makes me feel a little better to say that i am going to eat "something healthy" wen really i know that i'm going to eat the opposite. it tricks my mind or something.

i guess for the thing for ppl like us to do is just to try to be honest daily. i guess if we aren't living in our lies, maybe it will make us choose different things instead of bad food. i just wish that i knew the answer. i'm making a promise right now to myself to stop my lying. i am going to have to deal with my own consequences if i choose to eat bad and i'm going to be HONEST, no matter how hard it is.

thanks to britomart for opening up my eyes - also congrats on the 196.5

[srmb60]

I hear ya ... eating a chocolate bar (or two) in the car on the way home from the grocery store, eating the whole box of ice cream hoping my husband would think the kids had some, eating peanutbutter out of the jar because I ran out of celery to put it on, burning cookie wrappers in the woodstove, having a portion of dessert before anyone else got home for supper ....

It's taken a couple of years but I don't remember the last time I did anything like that.

[Ready2ShedLBS]

I did stuff like that when I was younger, I did that because I was made fun of or made to feel guilty when I ate something I shouldnt by my family, like if I had milk with cake, my mom would say, "just keep adding on the calories D.J." But anyways, all it did was lead me to sneak. I would get m&m's in a cup and act like I had got a drink and go to my room, sipping at the fake liquid that I wanted others to think was in the cup, or one time my moms friend left swiss cake rolls at our house, unopened, I wanted one. I opened the box, took a package out, and GLUED the box back so she would think the company had jipped her. ( Didnt work, they knew i did it, I was mortified) or I late at night, I would take cereal and milk to my rooom so that I wouldnt wake anyone up pouring the cereal into the bowl. I got really good at sneaking food. Finally the comment was made to me, " you know even though you arent eatting in secret, your fat so you arent fooling anyone but yourself" It hurt, but it was true, so finally. If I couldnt own it, I wasnt going to eat it. I was DONE with being called fat, and being made fun of. That was my exit to secret eatting. I catch myself doing it from time to time, and then I will just own it when my fiancee gets home.. he will say how are you, and I will say that Im sad because I ate .......( whatever I ate) and he will build me up. HE really helps me. Before him, I just admitted it to someone, and I found when you confess generally the person you are confessing to will say something to make you feel better, and just the confessing alone makes you feel better. You are on the right track, hang in there girl As for the cookie, own it, and forget it. NEVER LET ONE BOO-BOO ruin a day. Dont let food win. It only can if you let it.

[Ilene]

I can relate to that too, fortunately I don't do it anymore ... BUT it took me a looooong time to figure out what would trigger me to be a "closet eater" as I used to call it...

The first thing I realised was that when these episodes would happen I had an "emotion" eating at me, once I found the emotion and admitted I was stressed, bored, tired, sad, upset, happy even, or whatever, I would try to do something about the emotion eating me, take a bath, go for a walk, have a coffee instead of junk, my false hunger would subside.

The second thing I found out is that before I was always on "diets" I would be "dieting" and not turning my eating habits into a "lifestyle", once I figured that I was on a life long quest for healthy living and eating, the closet eating subsided...

The third thing I found about myself was that I finally realised that the cookie or whatever binge food I wanted WILL be there tomorrow so I would tell myself, I'd get it later and later never came...

Now, by all means I am NOT perfect I fall off the wagon like everyone else sometimes, but those times are getting fewer and farther between...

Another thing too that I found that I would sabotage my eating plan if I was "good" and lose "X" pounds, I'd think "Oh, good I can eat now"... We former fatties cannot eat like the rest of the plantet, we just can't because that extra cookie will show up eventually, it's unfortunate, but it WILL ...

I agree with W in W, that you do also want the "OK" to have that cookie and you know deep down deep that it's not OK to have it if you really really want to lose the weight...

[mammasita]

Sounds like it may possibly be Binge Eating Disorder/Compulsive over eating.....thats me and I can relate!!!!

I eat in secret, make other people think that I dont eat alot, then when I'm alone it's a free for all. I eat if I get anxious, I eat when I'm lonely. I double back to fast food places by myself after I've already been there with friends. I obsess over left overs until I eat them, and I will eat the leftovers in secret. I hide wrappers in the trash, I used to hide food under my bed, I used to eat in the bathroom. I used to sneak food home from Dairy Queen (where I used to work in High School) and eat everything while sitting up against the door to my room to make sure no-one could bust in and see me. I lie and say I'm not hungry when in actuality, Im obsessing over a Big Mac or Lasagna.

[madscientist]

Britomart,

Girl, you are not alone! I lie my butt off about food. I lie to myself and that's even worse. I've said that I'm going out to run some errands and I end up in the back parking lot of a strip mall eating Taco Bell or something. Or I eat a whole bag of cookies and when I realize it and have my "oh crap" moment, I think of an excuse. Quickly. The cat got into it and I didn't want to pass anyone kitty germs. I spilled my drink all over them. I dropped them. They never existed in the first place, what's wrong with YOU?

It's not that anyone I know would criticize me. I just feel ashamed of being such a and perpetuating the "fat girl" image by showing how much I pig out. I would like for people to think the weight just came up behind me one day and took possession of me. I am the victim here, I did not do this myself! Har har. End sarcasm. But strangers, sometimes I feel them looking at me in a restaurant or in the grocery store. I eat organic food only and you know? I don't see many fat people going in the organic grocery store. I can't remember when I did in fact. It's not that I "care" what people think, it's that I believe I know what people think already before they say a word or give a glance and that is my judgmental attitude being the problem. I haven't even given anyonce a change to judge me! I feel it's largely because I am extremely critical of myself and I project that onto other people. If I think this badly then good heavens, what could other people be thinking?!

Bottom line: I am awful to myself.

I have lied about food, hidden wrappers, left off stuff from food diaries because I felt so guilty for overeating. I would order 2-3 take-out entrees for myself at restaurants and pretend I was having friends over and ask for three sets of plasticware. I'd order a huge pizza for myself and a soda and side dishes and mention to the delivery person that "I hope this pizza stays warm until my TOTALLY LATE friends arrive! They suck! Say, could I perchance borrow that nifty pizza insulator you've got? No? Well okay then. Cold pizza will just have to be their penalty for being late!" I know that's all self-defeating and really rather sad when I think about it but when you're in the midst of it, it seems like the only thing to do. It seems somehow rational.

About your ticker: Well, I lost down to 301 a few weeks ago then gained up to about 306 and then down to 302... etc., etc. It's jumping around so much, I'm afraid people would think I'm messing with their heads if I kept changing it to reflect my true weight! So it stays at 301 until I go to 300 darnit! Lie? Maybe. It's a fine line, lying by omission.

I would be most worried about lying to yourself... that's what gets people into trouble. Of course, the leap from lying to others to lying to yourself is but a hop.

I have an eating disorder and one of the things I'm working on is being totally honest and accepting myself and the way things are right now. I can't move on unless I accept my present condition for what it is no matter how ugly it may be. It's a part of the process for me and having lived in denial for so long, a hard one. So I would say to you not to dig yourself any deeper now that you've taken the step of admitting this issue. You can dig to China and not notice until you realize you have to eventually crawl out...

[tlynn1974]

I used to do the same things. I've dug to the bottom of a trash bag to throw away pints of ice cream so no one would know. I would eat an entire (whatever - cake, box of popcorn) and run to the store to replace before anyone got home. When I would go to McDonald's, I'd order a regular meal and a happy meal so they would think I had a child. When I would go to other fast food places, I would order enough so they would assume it was feeding two or more people, eat all the food in the car before I got home and either hide the evidence in my car or run and put it in the dumpster.

People at work never saw me eating either, and the few times we did go out to eat,I would always end up bringing half of it back in a doggie bag. They always said they never saw me eat. What they didn't know was that the doggie bag barely lasted until I left the parking lot and I would stop for fast food on the way home.

[britomart]

Wow, you guys, it's great to know I'm not alone and I'm not a terrible person! (Part of me likes to think this sometimes.)

What Ilene said actually makes a lot of sense to me.... The "third thing" you do when you want to go for that bad food. It's exactly what I did when I quit smoking. "Well, I'll have a smoke in an hour. [...] I've made it an hour, I'll wait another hour and see how it goes. [...] Well, now it's been a whole day..." And then the "next" smoke never came. It just got too awful to break all my hard work, so I forgot about it. For some reason it didn't occur to me that that could be done with food too (of course, because we NEED food, right? Just a different kind of food from the kind I try to justify to myself). Maybe that's the kind of mindset I ought to be working under. There's my next personal challenge.... Not to think of abstaining from junk food as "forever," because that's a long time..... But more of a game, how long can I go? And eventually, just maybe I'll reach the same point I did with smoking. When it's just not worth it anymore!

Wendy: Don't worry, you didn't hurt my feelings Butt-kicking is often appreciated. I'm not sure if I was looking for permission to eat that cookie, to make it okay in my mind... I was trying to understand why I lied about wanting a cookie. I know it's not okay, which is why I beat myself up about binging. But it's one thing to know you're doing the wrong thing, and it's another to not even admit it to yourself...... You know?

[purplepansy912]

Lying is part of the addiction. Would anyone admit to someone else that they are going to buy food, when they odviously have pounds to lose? Would a alcoholic with yellow skin and limited teeth from chronic abuse say to another person, " oh I'll be back i'm gonna go buy a fith"
ovoidance. We learn to lie to cover it up. All of my binging is done privately. I do however overeat at holidays or with close friends socializing. But the true destruction is done alone. I lie, sneak and hide my evidence to no cost. Yet I walk around with pounds of fat on me. Who do I think I'm fooling? NOT others, it is myself I am fooling.
Food issues are a disease. It is a learned behavior that takes time to unlearn.
I'm so tired of the lying, the pretending. Everyone says "you are always on a diet". Yet I never lose weight. I don't lose because after my healthy lunch at work, I drive home and pass my fave places for food and self mutilate my body again and again.
I think the first step is to admit you have a problem. Share it with some. I think then you own it.

[Della1977]

Wow, I so could relate to everything everyone said here! But I hid what I ate because I was ashamed more than anything, and if I were out with friends and I REALLY had to eat, I would always justify/apologize for what am eating, like I say (I am eating like a pig! I must be PMSing) or something to that effect. But then again, what they saw wasn't all

And Ready2shedlbs I am an expert food sneaker as well, since my problem started early in life.. I still do it, subconsciously though. The good thing now is that ever since my surgery (I did a sleeve gasterectomy last month), I had only one binge attack when I sneaked food into my room, but I couldn't eat it cuz I feel full after 3 bites

Thanks for a nice thread brit, feels great to know you're not alone

[Ultimategurrl79]

Originally Posted by britomart

So today I realized something.

Besides that, what was my friend going to do, judge me? "Ooh, she wants a cookie, that must be why she's fat! Fat people always want cookies!" *I* know I've been eating well, but other people don't. So I assume they'll assume I eat poorly, as reflected by a choice to have a cookie in the middle of a long day.

Well, I honestly don't have a huge issue with eating in secret...i don't hide foods that i eat - but the quote where you said, "what was my friend going to do, judge me?"...that is one of my BIGGEST issues. I ALWAYS assume that people are centered on ME and what I'M eating and when you also said, "that must be why she's fat...fat people ALWAYS want cookies"...

i hate that. that thought runs through my mind EVERY single time i'm out. does it stop me from eating the cookie? no. it should, but it doesn't...and you also said, THEY don't KNOW that you normally eat well, or have been for some time...so when they DO see you eating something that is something THEY'D normally eat yet they know is something that WOULD make YOU fat...

but also, on the other hand, i tend to try and make it TOO noticable to everyone that i AM a "health nut" and like to eat healthy...so what i also can't stand is when my friends try to push food on me when i AM eating healthy and they get all snippity with me like i'm too good for them and then a week later i decide to give in to a temptation and eat something that's NOT healthy they look at me as if, "oh my god, you're eating THAT?"...

i dunno - i just wish food wasn't something that people have to be SO judgemental about...and, honestly, maybe it's just US being judgemental to ourselves and maybe THEY really don't care most of the time. I dunno.