[ThisGirlsLosing]

I am feeling so very sad and lonely, and that is when I binge. I ordered my "trigger food," pizza, tonite. I managed not to eat the whole thing, but I feel horrible about caving in to my sadness and inability to cope with it.

I posted the statement below in a different place on this board. I don't know exactly what to do about all this. I just know I NEED to stop hurting myself.

Originally Posted by thisgirlslosing

To explain further, and for the sake of being brutally honest and open about what I'm dealing with, and also cuz my therapist says that hiding things only brings shame and that shame doesn't heal anything:

It's not like I feel bad because I ate something "wrong." I have this eating disorder - I eat and eat and eat to the point of feeling SICK and I cannot stop eating. THAT's what I've been doing for three days now. It's hard to explain - i feel out of control, completely isolated, desperate for something intangible that i cannot have without knowing what "it" is. So I eat, and eat, and eat, and eat for hours, past any feeling of hunger, past any feeling of pain, past my body having had so much food it has to expel it by having me sitting on the toilet more times than I can count in one day. I feel empty and hurt inside, and I eat - totally and completely out of control.

Most of the time my attitude towards food is healthy. I eat healthy and allow myself treats in MODERATION. But the binging is NOT about eating the wrong thing. I mean, on Sunday I binged for hours on HEALTHY food - vegetarian soup with lots of veggies, non-fried veggie spring rolls, etc. For me it's NOT about the TYPE of food, but the behavior of being out of control - unable to stop myself from HURTING myself, even while at the same time I can SEE myself inflicting the pain.

I sit here trying to explain it and it just feels bizarre even describing it. <sigh> It's almost my bedtime. I will go take a hot shower and get into my jammies. Perhaps tomorrow I will feel better.

I have been in therapy for a few years now...but my therapist moved away and we now only do phone sessions, which are somewhat lacking. I haven't talked to her in over a month, not sure if I should continue working with her or find someone else.

I feel desperately sad and incapable of doing anything about all this. I need to stop binging and I also need to lose weight. I just don't know what to do...Help me?

[pinkgracelilly]

Hi ThisGirl,

Reading your post just made me sad. I experience so much of what you are talking about and I don't know how to get rid of it. I too went to therapy, but in my case, I didn't find that it worked because I didn't get it my all. If therapy was working for you, I would consider finding another therapist that you will be able to visit and talk in person.

I wish that I could help you. I just don't even know what to say. You are not alone in this, not at all. I'm new here, but by reading the posts, I can see so much support and I think that it is really going to help me.

I wish you luck at getting to the bottom of all of this and changing your life around.

[coley144]

I don't know if this will help but I have (hopefully!) conquered something similar. I think that what helped was identifying what my 'hunger' was all about and it was nothing to do with food. Basically after bad childhood experiences my 'hunger' was that I felt lost and scared and unsafe. I figured out that I was waiting for someone to 'save' me. I realised the only person who could was me so that's what I've been doing.

So maybe if you figure out what your hunger is about that'll help you. PM me if you want to talk about this.

Claire x

[ellis]

Maria, I'm just rushing out the door to see my own therapist, but I wanted to send you a hug...
There are many of us here in a similar situation, and we understand what you're going through.
I'll get back in later, but in the mean time, hang in there... we're all here for each other.

[purplepansy912]

I can identify with you big time, It isn't about the 'bad' foods it is about food in general. I can make a pot of veggie soup and eat the whole pot. I have not seeked councoling in this area yet and I know I need it. I eat to stuff my feelings down. Please know that you have support here and that we read your posts and can sympathize.
Here is a big ((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))