Hey guys. This is a test thread to try to start a support group for Bulimics or past bulimics like me.
This will be a place for us to come and not be ashamed or embarrased about our ED. Bulimia is not like other EDs. Once you are a bulimic you battle it for your whole life, like a drug you crave the desire to binge and the pleasure of purging. In our Sick minds that Purge is our way of making our wrong (the binge) right.
This thread is for recovering Bulimics to come help others that are battling and maybe even for us to keep our recoveries on track. A place to vent, a place to cry, and a place to learn.
If you are Bulimic or have been or even know someone who is bulimic please join this thread and let us all support each other.
Yes, some of you may have noticed I've mentioned bulimia casually before, but I am bulimic and have been for 7 and a half years. Please don't be afraid to come join us. I think we may be the most reluctant ED sufferers and I believe this thread is sorely needed. Don't hesitate on here, please don't be afraid or ashamed, like Lealee mentioned. We are all here to help each other.
I will tell everyone My story now so that you can all understand why I started this thread.
When I was eight my mom told me I was fat and that I would never get married. I was so upset that after everyone was asleep I ate a whole chocolate cake that had been baked earlier that day and told my mom there was a bug on it so i threw it in the trash.
I went on like this for years, any time i got upset I binged and was happy again. When I was 13 and weighed 135 Someone at school told me I was fat. That was the first night I binged and then purged.
I binged and purged on a regular bases from 13 until I met my Now husband at 17. His love for me made me see that I was not fat, or unloveable, I WAS loved and I WAS normal. I still have slip ups on stressful times or when I just feel blue. I still binge almost weekly but it has been 3 months and 2 days since my last purge.
I have been on a 4 day constant binge but I plan to regain my control and get things back in order. This is why I started this thread. Even me being a "recovering bulimic" I still need support and help.
If you need us please let us know and we will do all we can to get you some information through the web to help you....let us all together beat this problem!
Hi!
I'm new...and I think I'm ready to attempt recovery *again*...I've been bulimic for three years pretty severely, and I was anorexic for two years before that. Right now? I'm trying to find peace of mind. And recovery. It has come to the point where it interferes with my studies (I'm a college student). But my unhealthy habits have also contributed to weight gain, so I'm trying to find a way to lose weight without triggering the binge/purge cycle or the starvation cycle...have you guys tried any specific food plans?
aaaanyways, thanks for starting this thread!
Hi Meteorflower and to the thread and 3 fat chicks forum
The first step for recovery has been made, you contacted us for help WTG on that!!
For me my only defense against binging is to avoid triggers. For me thats ANYTHING flavored, water with flavoring, KoolAid, Sodas (mountain dew specifically), Tea, anything except plain water is a trigger for me. Another trigger for me is just plain stress. I try to avoid stress at all costs, I will pick up a book and read, tell my kids to go upstairs for 30 minutes (there is a kid friendly tv up there) and allow me some Mommy time to calm down, I will get on the treadmill until the urge to binge passes. Things like that.
I have kept from purging by using my treadmill, anytime I feel the urge to purge I walk and clear my head, walking allows me to think and thinking clears my mind of all stress. Or I come to 3FC and read posts or I will search the 'net for new workoutst to try, or get on messenger and talk to a fellow bulimic (who helped me not binge last night without even knowing it , a binge came later but at least I didn't binge twice).
Last night was bad for me, I had a binge of 2 sodas 2 snack cakes and 2 packages of pop tarts, right before bed ...I woke up at 2am SO sick. It was the closest I have come to purging in 3 months but instead I went outside in my flannel PJs at 2am and watched my puppy chase the wet grass for an hour until my stomach settled (I can't wait till REALLY warm weather so i won't freeze doing this)
Today is my new day, I am going to stay away from Mountain Dew, drink only water, and limit myself to ONE snack cake. As much as I don't want to, I need to also count calories. I feel that counting calories makes my bulimia worse because I obsess about the numbers in foods, but without holding myself accountable I can easily down 2000 extra calories (I did yesterday)
For all of us that are trying to recommit today!
My goals for today
No Mountain Dew
96 Oz of water
ONE snack cake
NO pop tarts
Count Calories to stay below 1600
At least one 30 minute walk/jog on the treadmill.
And You are welcome for my starting this thread
People like you and the others that could be reading this and wanting help is why we decided to "come out" we know it can be embarrasing to admit an ED so we are offering an easy "out" without stress or critisism(sp?) Thank YOU for joining us!!
Lealee, I don't have any experience with Bulimia, but I wanted to thank you for starting this thread. It's very positive and supportive, and I know it'll be helpful to others.
Sending love and big hugs to all of you...
I hadn't purged since October of last year. Between Nov and the end of January, I lost about 20 pounds in a very healthy way (WW) and running (I trained for a half marathon).
But the entire month of February and most of March was very difficult...it started with some mini-binges, which led to larger binges, and then finally to full-out binge and purge sessions (usually about once per week). It's been at least two weeks since my last purge and I've definitely been feeling like I am in more control than I have in the past.
Most of my binges come when I get stressed out or I am really craving some chocolate...the purging only comes when I feel like the binging was so out of control that I had to control something...
I had the urge yesterday after I had some easter candy (3 PB eggs, 2 caramel eggs, 1 Kit Kat, and some whoppers) but instead of trying to find a bathroom, I simply stopped the binge, recorded the foods I ate, and moved on. I think that's the key for me - to realize that it is ok if I don't eat "perfectly".
When I do purge, I carefully plan it out. I know exactly what I'm in the mood to binge on (90% of the time it is either cake, cookies, brownies, or donuts), I do it, and then I get rid of it.
I was starting to look forward to it every week...drop DH off at work, stop by the store on the way home, and do my thing once I got there.
I tend to go through these cycles where I will be in full control of my diet for about 4 or 5 months, and then 1 month or so in which I can't control anything, it seems. Right now I am just focusing on one day at a time, one hour at a time if needed...
I need to identify my triggers (i have a feeling it's sugar)...I think I'll go back through my food journals and see if I can link anything directly to my last month-o-purge...
Emily your binge habits sound like mine. I do great for weeks or a few months and then I lose all control! I got really upset yesterday when I took my monthly pictures of myself and saw that I was back to looking like I did in Early January. I was really starting to tone up a healthy way but all of a sudden it seems I just lose it. Today has been better so far. No Mountain Dews yet and have 48 ounces of water down...No poptarts but I did eat TWO snack cakes The kids were being crazy so I snuck into the kitchen for some food relief. I havnen't worked out yet but since the baby is down for a nap (babysitting from 6am-8pm today and tomorrow 2 and 5 yr olds) I think I need to get it going but May wait till tonight when hubby is home and can watch our kids so I can be totally uninterupted.
My calories so far today are at about 1250 and breakfast and lunch is out of the way. I think I will do fine and not go TOO far over.
Emily keeping yourself Accountable is an excellent sign that you are wanting to get this back in control....
I find I am SO jealous of people that can eat a few bites of something yummy and stop. I wish I had a good relationship with food but for me I want it until there is no more of it to eat. Right now there are S'mores pop tarts in the kitchen calling my name I am TRYING so hard not to eat them and keep myself in check. I keep reminding myself "if you eat those poptarts your cals will be over 1600 with Dinner left to go." but for some reason my pep talk isnt helping. I keep thinking well at least I haven't had the Mountain Dews today...I deserve a reward for that....
Somedays I hate food!!!!!
Ellis You are welcome I simply wanted to let others know that there are some Bulimics on 3FC we just tend not to talk about it, I am hoping this will bring more of us out for help and support.
Wish you all luck with the rest of the day! I'm glad I am not the only one that eats like this..having you guys is really helping me not feel wierd
So you had two snack cakes, no biggie. YOU stopped it before it went somewhere else. YOU. Bravo!!
I know what you mean about hating food...it can bring so much pleasure, yet so much pain somehow...it's such a bonder among people and can drive a wedge within ourselves.
It is hard to be around someone that can just shove the plate away without any effort (or at least it seems like there is not any effort). Maybe they struggle just as much as we do...but they are better actors
I have wanted to go to the vending machine all afternoon...but I resisted...I just got done with my orange. DH and I are about to leave work and go for a run before dinner (Mexican food...planning on having tortilla soup - send mental vibes for me to stay away from the chips)
For years I strictly adhered to a rigid diet on weekdays and then binged away the weekends with the occasional purging session. Last year as the holidays approached with baked goods galore, my binging and purging became more and more frequent. What do I remember about Thanksgiving and Christmas? Friends? Family? Fellowship? No - I remember gorging myself and hanging my head over the toilet.
I knew my life was revolving around food, when, what and how much would I get to eat? It completely consumed me and I was terrified of myself, what I would do next. For the new year, with nothing to lose, I decided to experiment. Instead of counting every calorie and logging every gram of fat Monday through Friday, I would eat what I want (except for sugar - i.e. dessert - I've given it up as it's a definite trigger for me). My hope was that ending the deprivation would keep the pendulum from swinging the other way on Friday and Saturday, and guess what? It's working so far!
Is it a diet plan? A way to lose weight? Nope, but I decided that losing my mind was far worse than losing a few pounds. And not that I'm counting, but I'm willing to bet that my average food intake is less than it was when I was bingeing despite the purging.
I wasn't sure I would respond in this thread, but after reading posts about adhering to strict caloric levels, I worried the poster could be setting herself up. I don't know with total certainty that I'll never binge/purge again - nor do I know that easing up on the dieting has allowed me to stop. I just wanted to bring up the possibility for others who are experiencing this excruciating cycle.
I do know that we should all be kinder to ourselves Take care, all.
God, how I've been out of it. I guess I should BEGIN by telling my story. I was always an overweight child. ****, I was a chubby little zygote. Well, after attempting a few diets in middle school, it was after my freshman year in high school where I finally decided to lose weight. Of course, I was an incredibly ignorant teenager who knew nothing of nutrition, so I decided to starve myself that summer. I ate ONE veggie burger a day or ONE apple a day and exercised in the hot and humid Kansas air for a few hours a day. Every other bit of food I chewed and spat out (an ED-NOD). I dropped 60 pounds in 3 months. Yes, that's 5 pounds a week and that is NOT healthy for a 15 year old girl. I started my sophomore year with a new body, but exactly the same old problems. And I thought, "Hey, I'm normal now, I can eat pizza and ice cream again like I used to." WRONG!!
I slowly started gaining the weight back. Of course, this is something I did not want to do, so I decided I didn't want to deprive myself of what all of my friends were eating, so my next course of action was shoving my finger down my throat. I remember the first time very vividly, because I couldn't get the food up (it was a couple of burritos) with my dominant left hand, so I had to use my right. And it's my right hand that now bears the scars instead of my left even though I'm left handed. I always say, "I'm a right handed bulimic." But, as I soon discovered, bulimia was not a very effective weight control tool, because, as many of us know, we cannot possible get every bit of the binge out of our stomachs. Some of it is retained, and sometimes, a lot of it is retained. So I still gained weight.
I got frustrated and depressed that it wasn't working so I gave it up altogether around my mid-junior year. I got severely depressed and began to compulsively overeat and binge without purging. From my mid-junior year to my mid-senior year, I had gained over 100 pounds. From after I graduated, and got a job out of high school, my weight finally leveled off to about 280. I was still bingeing compulsively and purging on the occasions where I was just so incredibly full that I couldn't even breathe. I would keep the binges the majority of the time. I started college and this continued through college.
I made the decision in 2004 that I would finally start to lose the weight in 2005. After procrastinating for 6 months, I finally was fed up and began my journey June 1, 2005. I started a healthy diet and exercise program, but everytime I went off plan, even if it couldn't be considered a legitimate binge, I would throw it up. I staved off the binges for the first few months very well, but then the binge demon reared its ugly head once again and hasn't stopped facing me down ever since. It's become increasingly worse for the new year. I went from bingeing/keeping 5-6 times a week (before I started my journey), to bingeing/purging about 1-2 times (the first 6 months or so) and now bingeing/purging 5-6 times a week. I actually purged twice yesterday
There's only been one time in which I binged and did not purge since I started losing weight. I just can't bear the thought of gaining weight, but like I mentioned before, I STILL gain weight from the bingeing anyway. If I consume 3,000 calories in a binge, I probably only can get 2,000 of that up on a good day and that's still 1,000 extra calories. I've even heard somewhere that most bulimics only can purge 1/3 of the calories from the binge. So I may only be getting rid of 1000 calories and keeping 2,000. So those of you who think that this is a method of losing weight or controlling weight are wrong. For most bulimics, it is not. We just consume WAY too much food to get rid of it all. Especially if when I EAT ALL DAY AND ONLY THROW UP AT NIGHT. That really puts the weight on me. I usually say I've gained and RE-LOST at least 40 pounds now. It's probably more like 50.
Please, a dire warning for all who are reading this out there considering bulimia as an option for weight loss or management: DON'T!!! It is not worth it. I've been struggling with this for alomst 8 years and I wish I had never started.Everytime I'm over my toilet throwing up, my heart is racing and my eyes are stinging with tears. I'm gasping for air and my whole body is violently heaving. I'm choking and wincing in excruciating pain as little pieces of food get caught in my throat and my nasal passages. It's painful, and the longer you do it, the harder it is to get the food up. Now it takes me a full 30 minutes to purge after I binge. I always wonder what I could have done with all the time I've wasted being hunched over the toilet.
The disease has taken such a hold of me that I know I could go to sleep one day and not wake up but I continue to do it anyway. I know I could lose my teeth before I'm 30 but that still isn't a deterrent. I know I'm increasing my chance of esophageal cancer. I know I may be harming my reproductive health, but I still continue to do it. It takes over your whole life. Bulimia is so incredibly powerful that it eclipses all rational thought. I can no longer identify myself without it. I never imagine it not being part of my life; that's how deeply it has me in its clutches. If you want to know what it can do to a person's psychological health, ****, just go back and read some of my posts. I'm a severely psychologically ill person and it's all because one day I decided to shove my fingers down my throat. Never, ever, ever, ever go down this dark path; it is so hard to find your way back.
Okay, now the update is approppriate.
I've been really busy today shopping!!! I did really good out all day, but came home and binged and purged on hot pockets, hash browns, pudding, and chocolate. For no good reason either, because I had an awesome shopping day and got killer deals and new clothes that I absolutely adore. I was so happy. And I'm going to the casino in an hour or so and we're going to get something to eat down there so I know I'll be purging again when I come home.
It's been a bad week for me; yesterday was the only day I didn't purge since last Friday.
I'm going to go workout until it's time to head out. I don't want to see a gain on the scale tomorrow.
A **TODAY** update
I did go to the casino, and I did purge what I ate there. I don't plan to be off plan today, so hopefully my plans are not shaken up by some unforseen event and I don't throw anything up today. I haven't been to bed, I actually may sleep the entire day today, but at least I won't be fighting any temptations to binge.
I have an errand to run this morning, and then I FINALLY get to get some sleep. YAY!! I'm probably going to dream about food. Do you girls ever dream about purging? I never have, I just thought of the question. I wonder why I don't, since it's such a big part of my life. I've never had a dream where I ate something and then went and threw it up. I wonder why that is? Or maybe I just don't remember them.
Well, good luck to everyone today. Let's stay on track and be strong!!!
Last edited by HarpoChicoGroucho; 03-30-2006 at 07:49 AM.
Hey Guys
HungryMonkey Thanks for the advice I honestly think I need to do what you do and just not allow anything sweet in my diet but that is SO hard for me with the kids eating snacks and stuff. The month of February was awesome for me. No binges that were too out of control or anything and I started looking and feeling the way I wanted to. Then my son's 6th birthday comes and I eat cake, then that Virus that made me SOOO hungry afterward and brought my blood sugar down SOO low that I had nothing but junk for 3 days...now? I CAN"T STOP IT.
Yesterday was 100x better than other days though.
Breakfast was: 1 serving Honey bunches of oats and 1/2 cup 2% milk and one piece of wheat bread with low sugar preserves on it.
Snack: apple
Stressfull kids lead to a mini binge of 2 packages devil squares while hiding in the kitchen
Lunch was a Lean Pocket with Light chips
Dinner: more stress as the lady I babysit for was late so dinner didnt happen, Had a package of Poptarts with Mountain Dew 2 hours before bed.
I failed at all my goals BUT I stayed at 1675 calories (mostly unhealthy cals tho ) Also I controlled the Junk that I did eat and didnt get too out of control. Also I stopped eating a few hours before bed and avoided boredom eating my playing on my Club Pogo account online.
I wished I would have gotten off my lazy *** to exercise instead of playing games, my exercise schedule will be back to normal on Monday because the kids go back to school and I will have 3 hours from 12-3 while the 4 and 5 year old are in Preschool (my 6yr old is a kindergartener so he goes all day 7:30-3:00) and the 2 year old is napping. Those 3 hours are MINE, I will workout, then eat lunch then relax for an hour before I have a mad house again. You read those ages right. 3 days a week there are a 6, 5, 4, and 2 yr old in my home from 6am-8pm. only the 6 & 4 yr old are mine so its double the work and triple the stress. But I wouldn't trade my SAHM status for anything in the world.
Goal for today: cut that last mountain dew out, TRY TRY TRY to workout, I don't have to worry bout pop tarts cuz I ate my last favorite last night. Today I will eat healthier and be more calm with these kids today!
well even tho i haven't purged in 15 years - the thought still lurks in the back of my mind- i had to go thru really extreme counseling and it was so rough - but i still have an ED with binging and I do hate food- why can't i just eat a little bit and be full??- i gave up drinking and i gave up cigs but you can't give up food. But the thought is still there - tucked deep inside but there. so i guess you could say i am not a bulimic NOW but i will always be in recovery.
I was not overweight as a child- BUT when i hit puberty it was like overnight fat kid. and i was Fat & miserable thru middle school - no friends- mom never around - i mean gone for 3-4 days at a time and food became my friend.
food was comfort for me - food never judged me cause my mom was too busy to bring home laundry soap and I didn't have clean clothes to wear etc.. when i was 15 i got to go away for a summer and spend it with a real family and TADA i became instant skinny kid - ended up becoming curvy and had friends and guys noticed me .. life was good- then i had to leave the nice family and go back home... Emerging fat teen again. then i was basically sent to another family member so i could have a place to live- their oldest daughter purged and as i was fat & miserable again i decided what the heck-she's skinny i'll try it- well at 16 i was popular curvy pretty girl again.
skip forward a few years and met hubby #1 he was a control freak- i had to eat what he said to eat - had to weigh a certain amount and look a certain way cause he couldn't have a fat wife -i was 4 foot 10 and weighed 92 pounds. looking back on those pics i looked like a refugee from a 3rd world country. and i thought i looked hot- Then he would go away for 6 months
( military) and i would eat all the things he wouldn't let me eat for 3 months and then purge the last 3 months to get back to" my starving child in Africa" look- Then i got pregnant and got really BIG - not from overeating just from complications - i still remember him screaming at me that i was a cow and ugly and he didn't love me anymore. so to get back at him i stayed very heavy-(makes no sense i know) finaly after 8 years of abuse i got the nerve to leave - and lost a bit of weight- by purging-and almost died from it- spent a few days in the hospital very ,very ill. finally after many up & downs i met a group of firneds who liked me for me- not becasue i looked a certain way - just for me. found a shrink who specialized in ED and went thru over a year in therapy. met my now hubby who is fantastic and loves me for me- (he likes curvy ) but now my health is suffering - i have type 2 diabtetes plus other health problems so i need to lose to get healthy- not that i wouldn't like to wear a size 10 again- i really thought the binging was under control these last few years but now i am starting to binge again and even tho i am "older" i still have an ED and am seeking help thru a therapist againand friends on 3FC for support- I will not go back to that lifestyle- Also a warning from me: binging and purging can KILL you- i was hospitalized 3 times for this becasue my heart couldn't handle the loss of fluids - this is not a healthy way to lose ANY weight and it's a horrible -horrible illness - a disease that is like an addiction to drugs or drinking- it's NOT an easy way out-the only way to lose weight and be healthy is to eat properly and exercise.
Ok - so I didn't run last night with DH. But I did play in my co-ed softball game last night. The Mexican food restaurant was ok. I had my tortilla soup (which was killer btw) and corn tortillas...unfortunately I also had my hand in the chip bowl too much...I don't think I did too bad - just more than I had planned on...
But did I eat the one chocolate chip cookie left over? NOPE! I'm hoping DH doesn't eat it either because I'm using it to judge my willpower...I can't even tell you how many times I thought about eating it last night...too many times...but I did not eat it...
Today has been ok...I've stayed completely OP and even though I'm starting to get a little hungry (even though I've already eaten my snack...except for my orange. It's sitting on my desk just looking at me - eat me! eat me! oh yes, my pretty...i'll get you too...lol)...I think I should be ok until dinner.
Then, it's on the treadmill for me tonight - I have at least 5 miles to run (since I didn't run last night and the chip fiasco)...
I haven't had any of the fun-size kitkats in the candy bowl either...(I almost wrote the word 'yet' - not going to write that word...oh wait i just did - lol)
I need to plan on a healthy dinner and stick to that plan...
I am definitely feeling stronger as this week progresses...I have a friend coming into town but I think I should be ok eating-wise since she's not much of a binger...that will help out a lot...
Plus, the house is CLEAN!!! does anyone else feel more stress when their house is a mess? I wonder if that was a trigger for me? Like just feeling so overwhelmed that I couldn't see straight of where to start the cleaning...random thought...
hi everyone, i just currently saw this thread and decided to let myself out. i've been belimic since last november, and i'm only 14. i binge almost everyday, and its killing my voice. i really wanna stop, but i find myself constantly pushing it on to the next day and then the day after that. all i wanna lose is 20lbs and being like this makes me feel like a complete slob loser. please help me...
Bulimics Bonding Together
and 
to the thread and 3 fat chicks forum 
, a binge came later but at least I didn't binge twice).
...I woke up at 2am SO sick. It was the closest I have come to purging in 3 months but instead I went outside in my flannel PJs at 2am and watched my puppy chase the wet grass for an hour until my stomach settled (I can't wait till REALLY warm weather so i won't freeze doing this)
