So this is kind of an embarrassing story, but I want to tell it and get some feedback (hopefully)

Okay so in 2002 I went to weight watchers ... I was 180 lbs ... when I left I was 155 lbs and then I got down to 135 lbs on my own. So I was happy as could be and kept it off for a good 6 months before the pounds started creeping back. I don't know about any of you, but I'm a little weird in obsessive eating. Like if I went to McDonalds one day and it was good ... I'd crave it the next day and the next day and the next day ... not to say I'd get it everyday but when I eat something I like, I want to eat it like everyday no matter how bad it is for you. So at the time I was working retail in the mall and there was this Chinese place in the food court and everyday at lunch I'd go get seasame chicken w/ fried rice. It was SOOOO bad. I didn't notice at first and I think I was in denial actually but soon I was at 155 lbs and then 160 lbs ... then I quit that job and got this job where I sit on my butt all day and now I'm higher than ever before at 190 lbs.

My question is WHY WHY WHY ... like why would I get all the way down to 135 and allow myself to go back up? And part of the reason I'm having such a hard time going down this road again is because I'm afraid after working so hard to get down in weight I'll just do the same thing and end up putting it back on! Do any of you have any advice? It would be so helpful to hear some words of encouragement because though I'm motivated right now ... I'm easy to fall off the wagon and especially if I think negative like I am right now ...

Anyway, I kinda just wanted to share my background w/ you a little bit ... I'm so crazy w/ the thoughts in my head when it starts getting to be late at night so I hope this post made sense!

Kelli, I hear you, hon. I'm sure many people here do.
I can relate to the obsessiveness. ie If I find a type of chips I like, I've got to have a big bag a day. It just draws me.

I think the fact that you're "letting this all out" is very healthy. You're acknowledging that something is wrong, and while you might be afraid of failure, you're willing to keep trying.
We need to remember that whatever we do in life is our choice.
If, when you lose the weight again, you put it back on, that's your choice. You don't have to do it. I know that sounds brutal and over-simplified, but it's the truth.
I'm sitting here at my computer with rolls of fat hanging over the top of my jeans. I'm uncomfortable, unhealthy, and just miserable at the state I've allowed myself to get into.

This morning I was lying in bed thinking the same thoughts as yours. Three years ago I lost about 25 pounds, and was down to 145. I was looking really good (still had plans to lose another 10) when I "lost it", and started eating again with reckless abandon. I'm now up to 205, and I can't believe this has happened.

There's something I found on the Internet awhile ago which gave me a bit of a boost. I'd forgotten about it until now.
It's really really to-the-point.

The url is here:
http://www.coping.org/balanced/chap4I.htm

2. Irresponsibility

"It's too hard and I want someone else to do it for me. So in the mean time since I can't do anything about it, I am just going to relate to food as I always have."

Irresponsibility is rooted in self-hatred, low self-esteem and a belief that you are a loser who is not worth the effort. This concept is fully explored in Accepting Personal Responsibility in the Tools for Personal Growth. Irresponsibility and not taking responsibility for your actions may be due to being lazy, unmotivated to change and looking for a reason or person to blame for why you will never be successful in your dealings with food. This is the rationalizer's, excuse maker's, and blame shifter's modus operandi. It is a sign of your refusal to grow up and accept personal responsibility for your own life. You would rather blame your past life's tragedies for you current misfortune than accept that life is a series of choices which you have made. You would rather obfuscate the message of the LET GO system to overcome powerlessness over food than accept responsibility that you need to take steps to change your life and your relationship with food. You find it easier to complain about how complicated, difficult or obscure the message is than to heed the simplicity and purity of it to Let Go and hand it over to your Higher Power. You would rather complain that this message sounds like religion or pious mumbo jumbo than take the time or effort to explore your concept of spirituality and Higher Power. You are probably so unwilling to accept responsibility for your failure to achieve success in attaining a balanced lifestyle that you would rather blame the lack of entertainment value in the program or lack of motivational charisma of the class leader for your failure. You are not willing to face that you are lazy and unmotivated. You are unwilling to face that you enter programs like this to "look externally" like you are doing something about your problems with food when in fact all the time you are in the program you are concentrated on criticizing, belittling or complaining about the program, the leader and your class members. You probably never are willing to say: "I am not successful in gaining a healthy relationship with food and a balanced lifestyle because I have not made the effort to do so." That would be too responsible an act, too mature and too honest for you to utter at this time.

Jillian is beautiful. Is she your daughter?
I'm glad you're here, Kelli... big hugs...

Kelli,

Man, I don't have a lot of advice because I'm in the same boat as you. For some reason on this last two month binge I went on all I wanted was doughnuts. I couldn't get enough. I would go down to the store and buy a big ol' box of twelve and they would be gone in 2-3 days. I did that about once a week, PLUS I was eating fast food at least once a day for two months straight. I don't know how I didn't just keel over and die. AND, like you it was same food every day...I totally get what you are saying! About 4-5 times a week, I had to have a mexican pizza from Taco Bell. Arrrghhh...it's frustrating but I have to figure it out. Usually what whips me back around is when my clothes start getting too tight...I can't afford new clothes so I don't really have a choice but to lose the weight. Sad but true.

I think most people can relate to what you are saying. I threw away all of my old size 14 clothes so if these get tight.i'll be in real trouble. I refuse to go back to larger sizes so the discomfort helps me. I think long term weight loss probably is a system of checks and balances. One day you may eat too much, the next you Have to cut back to balance it out. Don't be too hard on yourself, i've found it only leads to more binging and can bring on depression (which no one needs). You can do it though, and you can do it permanently.

Thank you so much Ellis, Wazzu & Ginger!
I am so glad to hear I'm not alone ... I guess the people around me really don't do these things or they're too embarassed to admit it so I just felt like I had something wrong with me! When my friend from work went on maternity leave she was gone 8 weeks and everyday of those 8 weeks I had to eat lunch alone, so I'd find myself at Taco Bell usually eating tostadas and nachos bell grande and just awful choices and so that alone put a good 15 pounds on me that I could have easily avoided ... it's just things like that that make me want to pull my hair!

But I like the advice of getting rid of the bigger clothes and such ... when I was at 140 and comfortably in my size 12 jeans, I almost gave my size 14 jeans to goodwill but for some reason I kept them ... I always think it was a good thing I did now because I wear them and they're SUPER tight and I refuse to go any bigger just because like Wazzu said, I can't afford a new wardrobe for a bigger size and just man, I don't want to! But I have all my size 11/12 stuff and it's SOOOO cute compared to my 14 stuff and so that alone should be good motivation for making me get back into it, I just need to start looking at it more often to keep me going! This time I WILL throw away my size 14 clothes ... thank you all so much!

*hugs*

I can certainly releate to this!

I know exactly. I can eat almost perfectly for like a month, no bingeing or anything, then I will completly fall off the wagon and eat nothing but bad food, and way to much of it at that, for like a week straight. then I get so uncomfortable that I slowly go back to eating normal again. I hate it. I wish I could stop, but I used to do it much more often, so i guess there has been a little bit of a change because now its down to like once a month.

I am trying to be helpful, I don't know if its working, but writing about my issues makes me feel better (wow- am I selfish or what). sorry- we are all here to help.

I'm in the exact same boat!! Once I find something I like... I just can't get enough of it. I guess it's the whole will-power thing for me. Well I just wanted to say

I've done the same up/down up/down.

This time, I know it is different, because it is a lifstyle change. I'm not dieting at all. I'm eating like a thin person would. Period. I'm not counting calories, I'm not restricting any foods.

But, what I have found is that your body demands balance. If you are in a *toxic* balance, your body craves toxins (bad foods, McDonald's in your case...lots of junky carbs in my case).

When your body is not *toxic*, it craves a healthy balance. So, since I detoxed my body, I'm craving salads and veggies again. It is fine to give into those cravings, LOL!

I don't even look at the ice cream when I open the freezer because it does not call to me, and I am not interested. Same with the crackers and organic "pop tarts" in the pantry. Those are for the kids, and I am not interested.

Now, if I DID go and eat that stuff, I'd spiral down again because it would cause an imbalance in my body. But, I am not at all desiring it.

With every mouthful of food ask yourself...what will this cause in ME?