Thanks Chris. I am going to keep you in my prayers today...along with all of you. You can beat this.
I too fumble with perfectionism. My OCD makes it even worse. I remember as a kid in elementary school-if I got called on and didn't know the answer to a question I wouldn't answer at all. Not answering in my mind was better than answering and being WRONG. I still have a huge problem with this. My husband is just starting to understand that with me. I am so "all or nothing" with everything...with my dancing, with exercise, with eating, with work...with everything I do.
Recently we had a performance and I had my solo 100% down...I nailed it in every single practice. In the performance there was something unexpected-we were on a strange stage-and when the time came for my solo I found that I was on a part of the stage where there was a "bump" in it-and for a second I panicked inside my head. (I was doing sword balancing-balancing a sword on one knee while standing on one leg only-and my one foot on the ground was on this bump and not on a flat surface!) I held it together and didn't screw up-but I had to concentrate so hard to balance myself that I know I didn't have the "stage presence" and the little looks and stuff I like to give to the audience. I really, really beat myself up for weeks over something that noone probably even noticed. I went back to the dressing room and forgot the rest of that spectacular dance-all I could think about was the 20 seconds I was on that stupid bump in the stage. It really threw me for a loop for some reason. I was like-we have this huge stage-and the one place I didn't want to end up was where I DID.
I hold myself up to such high standards-and I don't allow myself to screw up...so when I do, or even when I don't but don't perform up to the high standards I set for myself-I really beat myself up over it. And when I beat myself up-I am more likely to binge eat. Then I feel worse afterwards than I did before.
Chris-I know the feeling of that intense pressure. Funny huh...that we sometimes expect so much from ourselves-expectations of perfection that we would never expect from others.
I have today off. Planning to do a big whoppin' of nothing.
Chris, I love that movie! I just saw the writer speak after a screening of Being John Malkovich. That was a lot of fun.
Our 3 year is on the 24th. The day after Thanksgiving we are going to Julian, CA which is about 3 hours South of LA. It actually has an Autumn and is like a little New England town (where we are from). We went there for our first anniversary. Julian was on the news a lot last year because it was one of the places in CA hurt by those fires. The tiny town next door is where there was the one fireman death. It will be interesting to see what looks different.
Aphil, congrats on the 2 days! And I relate to that perfectionism bit. I think I am a scramble of Type A and Type B personalities. I am a laid back perfectionist if that can make any sense.
Jennelle, that book sounds familiar but I'm not sure if I have read it. Do they deal with the girl's weight issue beyond the mother's misguided attempts?
Tracy, concentrate on the good! Good job having a day of healthy eating. For me, personally, moderation is the only way I can maintain abstinence (restriction is a trigger for me). But, that can make it difficult in the weight loss area and is a bit to juggle. I just have to keep reminding myself that I prefer sanity over insanity with a quick/temporary weight loss. Everyone is different, though, in this area. Good luck.
At yesterday's meeting someone shared that he felt leaving some food on his plate after a meal was like tithing/giving an offer to his HP. I really liked that concept a lot and am going to incorporate it in to my eating. What I am currently struggling with right now is praying to my HP BEFORE I eat. It's an area I really want to work on.
Hello to my wonderful friends! Thank goodness tommorow is Friday, the week has dragged by like it usually does when I work a Saturday. My test results came back normal so I'm relieved of that. I've made the decision to change therapists and go to the support group I signed up for. I can't handle a therapist who also deals with an ED and who divorced her husband who had an ED also!! How freaky! Eating has been ok, not normal or balanced, but I did have a fun size baby ruth bar today for the first time in 5 years I think. I don't know what made me eat it, I think it was because I was "naturally" feeling myself again, w/o the guilt. But the guilt came afterwards a little later, but not immediately. I'm just rolling with it I guess!
Aphil- Hello fellow OCD pal! LOL I'm taking Prozac to control mine and it's helped wonderfully. I have thing with numbers, time, and routine. I'm an all for nothing gal also, I guess an "extremist". Whatever I do, I take it to the extreme....especially food restriction. I also have high standards for myself and for others. If a patient of mine is doing poorly, then I take it out on myself. Which is not cool at all.
Kat-Congrats on your anniversary! The place sounds beautiful, I love anything "new england" style. Moderation is for me also... I think? I do know if I restrict myself way too much or way too long, I'm setting myself up for disaster. So at the moment, I'm buying smaller packages of "bad" foods and learning how to enjoy them like that.
Tracy-Hey gal! How are you?! Any plans for the weekend? Is CORE working out?
I think DB and I are going to the movies tommorow, our cheap theater has the garden state for 2 bucks! Then we are going to the lake to hike some trails, weather permitting. Other than that, ODAT and lots of blankets for me!
God bless you guys,
Love
Vanessa
The book actually deals more with this 13-year old girl's journey to overall improved self-esteem. Aphil, I may have misunderstood, but it's definitely not a book a six-year old would be interested in. It's more of a "young adult" novel, if you can call 12 year olds "young adults." I was in 7th grade when I first read it, and the girls who are reading it with me now are in my 6th grade class.
Hi Ladies - just a quick check in. I'm doing fine, following the Core plan for its nutritional guidelines but not restricting. I feel good and I'm loving fruit. It's been a long time since I ate this well.
Had a good time at my mom's yesterday. She watched Sarah while I took a nap with Matt, bless her. It was a year ago this week that he had his surgery, so I'm kissing his beautiful head a lot and thanking HP.
Chris - it's the family element of Christmas that I'm enjoying so much - Sarah's old enough now to begin anticipating. She went nuts over the decorations at the mall the other day. In a month, however, I might be ready for it to be over.
Vanessa - I'm relieved about your tests!
Hi to Kat, Jennelle, and Aphil - I'll try to respond more personally later. It's cold and rainy here today. I think I'll work out and clean. Hugs and kisses.
I started to post in the middle of the night last night. I was self-imploding all over the place. I wanted to "confess" to my behaviors. I think Jenelle will know what I mean when I say, there is nothing to confess over, I am addicted to food, when left to my OWN WILL I will abuse, its what I do.
So why don't I tell ya'll what I didn't do yesterday:
1. I didn't make my bed or pick up after myself
2. I didn't take time for prayer and meditation
3. I didn't go over the steps that are the life blood to my life
4. I didn't shower
5. I didn't take a walk or do any form of excercise
6. I didn't let go and let God work in my life
7. I didn't reach out and ask for help.
This is from page 83 in the 12X12: "If we are to experience permanent recoveryfrom compulsive eating, we will have to repeat, day after day, the actions that have brought us so much healing." To people like the maintainers this seems somehow intuitative, for me it is not. But this is my journey and this is what I learned yesterday and that getting 3 million on Bookworm just doesn't make you feel very fullfilled
Tracy- I am cleaning too today, maybe we can clean together. Maybe its because I don't have any small children in my life Christmas doesn't seem the same. Maybe seeing my nephew will change my mind.
Jenelle- I am hoping things are going really well.
Vanessa- I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOUR OKAY! THANK YOU HP! How cold is getting there?
Kat- I like that, leaving a little on my plate for HP (do I get to take a bigger portion ) Well your anniversary spot sounds lovely. Three years, NEWLYWEDS! How sweet
Aphil- I think a little of why I imploded was the crisis was over, I have been really pushing myself at work. Once the meeting and presentations were done, so was I. Celebrating the things we do right instead of the things we are doing wrong thats so it. I was wondering if you have looked into DBT at all. It was suggested as an addition to my program of recovery. Hopefully I wil get qualified and start classes on the 17th. I will let you know how it goes, but for OCD and ED it has been shown to be very promising. That goes for you to Vanessa.
(((Chris))) I tend to go nuts after a period of life stress, too - what IS that? I'm only giving myself something worse to stress over.
I haven't eaten very well today. I'm going to make another attempt to like oatmeal in the morning.
Kat - I hope you and DH have fun. Sounds lovely. We've always talked about going back to the site of our honeymoon for our 10 year - which is only two and a half years away now. I hope we can.
I've never posted on this paticular thread, but, seeing as I'm fighting really hard to over come an eating disorder that I thankfully am so informed of, I knew/know, that I'm only hurting myself. Not only that, but this disorder plagues me like a black rain cloud following me constanltly, just waiting to let all the rain out. I was really all alone in this, that is, when I was hiding it, when I knew that it wasn't good what I was doing, yet i had no desire to put an end to it. So, I reached out for support from family and close friends, and I really want to push the horrible thoughts out of my mind, and just be the person I am; not some weight obsessed, self-concious freak when the disorder consumes me. For the past three days, I have not purged! I felt like it a few times, but the words of a close friend ring through my mind, and i have the willpower to stop! i make it a pointto eat 5 small meals a day, keeping them very light and healthy, then, I talk myself out of feeling guilty, because I know that we need food to survive. I sometimes have to force myself to eat, but I do, because I know I need to. yes, I know, my disorder seems a little odd, you may ask? the thing is, I'm fighting a mixture of both bulimia and anorexia, according to behaviors and mindsets. Any how, thanks for listening, I know I can beat this!
Top of the morning ladies! After a nice walk in the park while listening to some christmas tunes(is that sad?!), I'm back at home in front of the tube. LOL I made the decision to quit seeing my therapist, I know I need more specialized help for my health. Granted she was good, but I need to get through this. December 1st is my first meeting, so I am looking forward to it. Here lately I've been thinking I should just try to beat this myself...I guess I sorta "created" it or instigated it, so I can surely beat this myself. Instead of having my family all involved and supporting me, maybe I need to do this alone? I know when red flags pop up and only I can prevent those from future harm. Eating has been ok, it varies weekly from restricted to sorta/semi/dysfunctional in my own way balanced. Make sense? LOL
Chris and Tracy- Could we be a cleaning trio?! Chris, what is DBT? I'm very interested! Tracy, maybe add something different to your oatmeal each time in order to not get bored with it? I've heard people on CORE put peanut butter, vanilla, sf syrup, splenda, apples, almonds, etc to jazz it up. What kind of oatmeal do you buy? Chris, it's getting down to the 40's here! Can you believe it?!
Kat-Is this weekend your anniversary w/e?! Have fun!!!
Aphil-Hey gal, how are you?!? Any plans for the weekend?
Jennelle-Thanks for the info on the book, I'm a total bookworm!
Well my ladies, I'm off to see what the HP has planned for me, it should be interesting
Love ya guys
vanessa
Welcome Jessie Sounds like you have a plan and a support network. ODAT girl!
Vanessa- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. They started using it with Border Line personalities to give them coping skills in daily life it has since been applied to Self-Injurers, EDs, and other cognitive disorders. Its alot about repitition (see yesterday's post ) We have hit lower than the 40's my house rule though is no one turns on the heat until it is below zero. My hormones are so screwed up right now I am having hot flashes daily.
Another physical side effect of ED.
Tracy- My friend eats her oatmeal with Tuna and Broccoli so you just dress it up anyway you want Hope your having ahappy Saturday!
Excellent writing workshop I went to this morning. I won a "For Today" YEAH! Okay I got to motor off to work. I have 84 hours this next week. Please pray for me and I will check in when I can.
I myself have not looked into DBT. I am not on any meds for my OCD or anxiety attacks as of now...I have never taken anything for it-just sort of "dealt".
Things have been busy here...we hosted a meeting last night for our 501st. garrison. ( www.501st.com I am a costume designer for a living-mostly belly dance and movie replica-and we are in the 501st-there is a great group photo if you click the "about us" link) We had a great time though. We had a photo shoot last night-so we had 3 stormtroopers, a biker scout, an Imperial officer, and Jango Fett in my living room. My kids think we are the coolest parents EVER.
I did well yesterday staying on plan with all the ruckus. I did a mile walk yesterday-and a 20 minute yoga session. I felt really, really good. If anyone is interested in yoga for stress/anxiety reduction-I recommend videos with Rodney Yee as the instructor. He has the most soothing hypnotizing voice...I almost fall asleep in the ending relaxation pose every time. Start with a beginners video and when you are more flexible...work your way through some of his others. If you don't have a yoga strap-a rolled towel works just fine.
Well-I better run. DH want to go to Best Buy and drool over televisions....
Aphil
Yesterday would have been DH's mother's 57th birthday. We spread some of her ashes in Maine but took some to CA with us. Yesterday, we went to the beach where DH proposed to me over 7 years ago (yes, long engagement) and spread some in the water. Now she's on both coasts.
She was a 12 stepper, so as DH spread her ashes in to the water I stood in the back and said the Serenity Prayer over and over again. Very powerful. We were blessed with a 70 degree, sunny day - it was gorgeous (plus the sun was beginning to set, so very pretty sky).
Not too sure what we are doing today. Our anniversary is the weekend of Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to our trip.
Ugh. I don't know who I am or where I'm at today. My emotions are all over the place, so my eating's all over the place. I just had some chocolate oatmeal cookies (I know - Not a single one of you suggested I put THAT in my oatmeal, did you?!) and I can feel the energy draining down to my gut.
I felt an urge this week to have another baby. I've been swearing up and down that I would stop at two, but I saw a mom holding a four month old in the air the other day, and I've been yearning ever since. My baby boy is walking and beginning to talk, and he's left babydom. I don't feel ready to close that chapter in my life. DH and I have been doing better, I guess I feel compelled to screw things up.
Watched "Eternal Sunshine..." last night. THAT'LL make you neurotic about your relationship.
Kat - your tribute to your MIL sounds lovely. I hope it helps you two get peace.
Jessie - I'm glad to see you here. I hope your treatment is getting underway and the situation with your mom is better.
Aphil! Nothing helps me more than honesty. I am so glad to have you here. 
that movie! I just saw the writer speak after a screening of Being John Malkovich. That was a lot of fun.
It will be interesting to see what looks different.
For me, personally, moderation is the only way I can maintain abstinence (restriction is a trigger for me). But, that can make it difficult in the weight loss area and is a bit to juggle. I just have to keep reminding myself that I prefer sanity over insanity with a quick/temporary weight loss. Everyone is different, though, in this area. Good luck. 
Maybe its because I don't have any small children in my life Christmas doesn't seem the same. Maybe seeing my nephew will change my mind. 
THANK YOU HP! How cold is getting there?
