Hi everyone!

I thought I would start the weekly thread a little personally and talk about my relapse a little bit. First I shouldn't realy be suprised, it took me 3 tries to get off methamphetamine/drugs. Quitting smoking? I have quit at least 4 times in the last 20 years, to eventually pick it up again. It takes most smokers 6-8 tries to break the habit.

The things I have learned so far. It really is one day at a time. Every day I get up I choose to quit purging. The fact I didn't do it yesterday is moot. Today is the only day I have to quit for.

Acceptance of myself in the space that I am. I have dark days. I have light days. My pants don't fit. Being uncomfortable with the fact my pants don't fit. Feeling sad that I find comfort in the food, that in some way it is still working for me. Every emotion I have positive and negative is okay. The way I look is okay. This is the way it is today. Who knows what tommorow will bring.

That my life is not my weights fault. This has been just about an epiphany. Fat or thin does not dictate my success or failure rate at the things I do from my personal relationships to my career.

God will talk to me if I open my heart to Him(Her). When I listen messages do come. Its my choice to let God in, and somedays its terrible hard. You know what, thats okay too.

Working my program doesn't mean doing the same thing day after day. I have always been this hardcore, regimented person and I think well if I am really working it I will do A, B, C. Somedays its okay to just do B or F or even Z as long as I am doing something.

I need to cry sometimes. I need to laugh sometimes. Even if my heart feels so dull this seems impossible.

Love is hard. Loving you is the only path I have right now to someday love me.

Thanks for listening.
Chris

Chris, I'm glad your keeping your head and your heart open. I'm starting to take it ODAT, very slowly and find that it's working. I'm not worrying about tommorow or the next day, or even 20 minutes from now. I can't appreciate this very moment if I'm worrying about what I am going to do at work tommorow or how much I should eat tommorow. It will work for you, if you want it to. But you have to work with it, loop holes and all. Maybe find your omfort in something that is not harmful.... writing, poems, drawing, doodling, believing.. I'm thinking and praying for you
Kat-I'll def. keep you updated on the movie! I don't want to get my hopes up so I'm just trying to tell myself it's just going to be "another" movie. Keep your head up, your doing great
To all of my other sisters, my prayers are with you and I hope you are safe. Let's take it ODAT together and nothing more.
Be good
Vanessa

Hellooooo there. Chris, you are so brave. I love you.

I have been living in the past a lot the past few months, wondering how amazing my life would be if I'd - whatever - but I'm trying to focus on enjoying life in the here and now. Things are better, but I'm still not honoring my body with my food. I need to pray more, meditate more, connect to my HP, find my divine spark, etc. I'm trying to stay positive, and I'm looking for an eating plan that will suit me.

Kat - I know you're anxious. I hope this is the month. And if not, HP has a month in mind.

Take care, ladies!

Checking in real quick. I certainly appreciate the support. And I know the exact feeling of trying to find my HP, I know He is there, but somedays the listening is so hard.

Little angry and sad at my son. He is doing poorly in school and I think its just a symptom of other stuff that his teenage brain thinks I won't understand.

Loving my husband, but I must admit I feel a littleresentful that I know he has quite a bit of money in a personal account and I am walking around dead broke barely making ends meet.

Need to reach out today, but right now I should work.
Chris

I haven't had a chance to read but will tonight or tomorrow. I just wanted to say hi to you ladies.

Have a great day!

Hey ladies! How is everyone doing tonight?? I'm alright, super tired from being up since 330am and then going back to my parents house to give my brother his gift and to see my niece. I bought him this buffy the vampire slayer inflatable chair for his room, with Buffy in a sexy black dress...Oh he loved it! Def. scored alot of points for my b-day and xmas gift! LOL Going to the MD and therapist tommorow, get to leave work early!!! But I have to see my MD for chest pains and rapid heartbeat that I've been noticing for a bit, plus my body tends to want to "jerk" sometimes?! Weird I know. Anyhow, the weekend looks good, going to some haunted houses and to a movie.
Tracy- You and me both! The past is so hard to leave behind, there are so many possibilities and "what if's", but if we were able to change it, would we? It's out of our hands though and I guess we have to go through these tough and odd times. Your right, we can't enjoy life living in the past, where's the fun in that? You'll find your plan....maybe it's not that far away as you think?
Chris and Kat- I'm praying for both of you!! If you are reaching out, I will follow right beside you. I am loyal to the end and will be there nevertheless. ODAT and nothing else.
Well Ladies, I'm outta here for now, one more day and then I don't know what else, and I kinda like it that way!
Love ya
Vanessa

I love you too Vanessa!
We are celebrating Halloween at work today, who wants to pull me off the ceeiling later? By God's grace I will not purge.

Otherwise I am doing okay. My son isn't doing well school and is having all these social and anxiety problems. Next week we will have him evaluated for therapy DH and I are definitely ODAT, but hey isn't everything?

Here's to having a nice weekend.
Chris

Vanessa, I related to feeling tired! I fell asleep at 6:30 pm yesterday and slept until 6 am.

Chris, we are celebrating Halloween here, too. By the grace of HP I've totally ignored the candy. Definitely could not do that alone.

I am waiting for AF to show up and am really wondering if this is my cycle, finally. It's been a big obsession and I am struggling giving it over to HP.

Have a great Friday!

Hey gals!! How is everyone's Saturday?? Mine is ok for now, it's raining out and a little dreery, but it's perfect for Halloween.. I went and seen SAW last night, wow what a sadistic movie! If you like the movie Seven, then you would like this one. I don't know how to describe it really, just go see it! The gentleman that I have been seeing for a month now, made it official last night that we are a couple. *sigh* I can say that I'm really happy at the moment, and this could be something that will be very positive in my life. I'm taking it ODAT and not making mistakes I have made in the past with other ex s/o/. At the MD appt yesterday, they said I might have an enlarged heart so I have to go to the hospital on Wed to have a cardiogram? and wear a heart monitor for 24hrs. It's scary, but I'm willing to accept whatever is in my future.
Chris-I love you too! How are you doing?? How is your son? Any plans on Halloween?
Kat- Great movie!!! (If you like sadistic movies that is). It was a good movie for no-name actors, I just remember that guy from the Princess Bride and Danny Glover as the only actors I recognized. I'm praying for you and I believe it will work out, our HP will never leave us and I guess he knows when the time is right?
Tracy-How are you???? How did trick or treating go for your kids?
Sandi, Jennelle, Michelle, Anna, CeeJay, Skippy, Linoleum, Christy---> How are you guys????
Well I think I am going to some Haunted Trails tonight with my DB, who knows after that. Frankly I don't care, I live by the moment
All my Love
Vanessa

Hi ladies,

AF showed her ugly head at midnight last night. I was pretty sad but after some sleep I am able to see the positive. This is the first time since we have been trying that my cycle has been long enough for actually getting pregnant. So that's awesome!

Vanessa, glad you liked the movie! And how exciting for you with your new SO. Very cool!

I saw a screening of The Incredibles and it was AWESOME. Loved it.

Tonight we are going to a very large Halloween party. DH and I will be zombies (inspired by Shaun of the Dead ).

Have a good night, all!

Kat. I loved Shaun of the Dead!

I'm sorry about AF. Maybe next month.