[healthykelly03]

Where do I start? I've been on these boards for a short time, joined and then my account was wiped out when the system crash and I came back, but I don't post often. I actually joined to be a part of the maintainer's forum, however, unfortunately I certainly don't belong there ... yet.

I have been overweight all my life. When I was younger I tried a couple fad diets here and there, but they never lasted more than a few days. Finally, in 2001 I made the decision to change my life. I weighed 245 then, and I weigh 146 today. I got down to 137-138 at one point, but since last fall I am bouncing around in a 5 pound range. Lately, my 'range' has been inching upwards.

ALL I do is think about food. When I am not eating, I think/plan what I will be eating next, or I am feeling guilty and berating myself about the last thing I ate. I wake up in the morning and think about food, weigh myself and want to eat more for seeing a gain. Sometimes I manage to eat well until the afternoon, and then it all falls apart. Sometimes I just eat my way through an entire evening.

I have a 7 yr old and 1 yr old twins ... sometimes when the twins cry I run to the fridge because I feel like I cannot handle it.

Then once or twice a month I have a 'good' stretch where I eat healthy, no bingeing, and manage to lose a couple pounds. It all comes right back though, especially the week before AF when it seems I am completely out of control. (This has gotten worse since the twin's birth and I have an appt with my doctor next week to discuss it)

I know I have emotional issues ... my mom was an alcholic/bulimic/anorexic. It seems I am the exact opposite - addicted to food. I cry all the time - I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!

The tips don't apply to me ... I can't pick up and take a walk (at least not in the winter), I can't leave the house (when I am home with the kids, I do work outside the home as well), I can't knit, and even if I HAD something to do, occasionally the need for food is so STRONG that it wouldn't matter anyway. It's like I am on autopilot and someone else is controlling me - I am the fat puppet of some evil monster who just makes me do this to myself.

During the weight loss, I NEVER binged! I was SO well behaved I amaze myself. I don't have a CLUE of how I managed! I used to be able to go to parties and not even be tempted by the foods because it felt so good to be losing weight. What happened?

To make matters worse, I had my gallbladder removed on 2/13 and we had some complications and I cannot resume exercise until 4/1. Originally it was 3 or 4 weeks, now it is SIX weeks with no exercise! Not that I love to workout, but I need to. I am becoming maniacal, obsessing about becoming fat over this next month or so. I have gained 4 pounds this past week alone! I am still swollen and none of my pants can even button, which depresses me even more.

I am so sorry this is so long. I need support. I used to belong to another group where there were so many posts per day it was hard to keep up ... now they have changed and many people left and it isn't the same. Plus, you can't even mention the word binge before people get on your case ... I guess they think it isn't a real problem.

I guess I expected that after I lost the weight, I would be able to go back to eating a modified healthy diet with occasional treats, but I haven't been able to master that, or even come close. Maintaining is harder than the losing, and the pounds are coming back and I just feel like a failure.

Worse than the weight gain is the way I feel about myself and my lack of control. I don't know what to do anymore.

Kelly

[Jennelle]

Kelly, sweetie, you've come to the right place. 98% of your post could have been written by me!

I encourage you to take a look at the "stickies" on the 12 steps and 12 traditions. OA has given me sanity. It can for you, too.

Keep coming back.

Jennelle

[KatSLP]

Wow, Kelly, I see a lot of myself in you!

You are in the right place and we welcome you with open arms.

Please do check out the links Jennelle pointed out. www.oa.org is another great resource plus the meetings they list (online ones, too).

I'd be happy to answer any questions. Send me a PM any time.

[rochemist]

Kelly,

Wow. Your story isn't that uncommon, the funny part is I think your looking for help early. I had to gain and lose my 100 lbs a few time before it occured to me that I might have an eating disorder. Please check out the stickies and joing us in our daily thread, we offer support and comfort and understanding. The big this is YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Miss Chris

[ellis]

Oh, Kelly... you are so "me". Big hugs, sweetie...

[healthykelly03]

Thanks so much everyone! Wow ... I guess I didn't realize that there really are other people out there like me. My husband, doll that he is, doesn't understand that I really have an 'eating disorder'. I guess I myself didn't realize that overeating could actually be a disorder!

So ... what now? Any book recommendations (I also requested that info in the book area), or where do I go from here?

I was reading the advice on fatfairygodmother.com. Does anyone believe that it is truly possible to relearn eating and just become a normal eater? I would give anything to just be 'normal' ...

[KatSLP]

The OA literature is fantastic. The OA self-titles book and the OA 12/12 are good starters.

Honestly, I will never be normal. I am a compulsive overeater (COE) and therefore must follow (at least, IMO) the OA 12 steps to be able to be free of this nasty disorder.

I may not be normal, but I sure feel free. I have tools to use instead of overeating or obsessing over whatever. I am able to actually enjoy food without going crazy over it.

HTH!

[Jennelle]

Hmmm...

I will never be "normal", as in "I can eat whatever I want without consequence to my well-being." I'm just like an alcoholic, except food is my addiction. I know that I will never be able to eat a piece of cheesecake or a candy bar or a bowl of ice cream again, although I don't think of it that way. I take it one day at a time, or else I end up wallowing in it.

But at least now, I have a MORE normal relationship with food. I mean, I don't do the truly abnormal things anymore, like eating a QP with cheese super sized meal on the way home from work, then eating an entire whole dinner at home, then going out for a large DQ Blizzard. I don't eat a 24 pack of American cheese in one setting. I don't cry because I can't find any chocolate. I don't eat a half a loaf of toast with jam, followed by a few bowls of ice cream. HOWEVER, I am well-aware of the fact that if I EVER break my abstinence - no matter how small - the bingeing and crying and self-hatred will be nipping at my *** in no time.

Just MHO.