After eleven weeks of near-flawless eating, I've fallen off the wagon in a big way. I knew this day would come.
I've been working hard to keep my binge eating under control. At the same time, I've managed to lose 17 pounds and eat healthily. In my head, I know this is a big achievement, and I know that it's made me feel better physically and psychologically over the past three months.
Trouble is, my emotional psyche's either taken over or has shut off completely, depending on your point of view. Afer weigh-in on Wednesday, I went nuts -- and this is now Day 5 of going nuts. Yes, I do see a pattern: I've been stuffing myself with everything I've deprived myself of for three months, all, ironically, for fear of setting off a binge. Bingo! It's mindless eating. I'm not under any more stress than usual. I'm just out of control and relapsing.
But this has gone beyond overeating. I'm now eating for no reason, stuffing myself with whatever's available, and once again eating to the point of pain. I can't get back on the wagon, no matter how hard I try. I had an OK day yesterday but immediately lapsed into old, shameful and regrettable behaviors today. It's a slippery slope.
So, again, I knew this day would come. And I knew that when it did, my ability to recover would determine whether I'd be able to keep this weight off and manage food instead of letting it dominate me. What do I do now? I feel helpless. With each bite it's as though I've regained 17 pounds. I keep telling myself I'll start again tomorrow, but it's not happening.
Anybody willing to give me a good swift kick in the (still sizeable) pants?
Jennifer: How many times I've been in this same spot.
I think you've given yourself enuf kicks already, Jennifer. And if kicking ourselves actually worked, we'd all have never binged again after the FIRST one, wouldn't we?
As far as getting out of the binge-pit once I'm in, I've found that what really helps is:
1. clearing out all the ammunition: snack foods, candy, whatever has become my weapon of ***-destruction. Into the trash and covered with nasty stuff (coffee grounds, cat litter) so I won't be tempted to retrieve it. Yes, I waste food; but I'd rather waste it that way than waste it by wearing it. And I feel just a little bit empowered and more positive about myself hen I take back control that way.
2. finding some other activities to distract me since eating mindlessly is now off-limits. I find it easier to avoid binge-ing or to stop mid-way if I keep moving physically: doing housework, exercising, running errands (except to food stores!) rather than just sitting around watching TV or trying to journal about why I'm coming undone. What I really crave from binges is distraction anyway--slipping into that binge-trance where all my emotions and problems fade away and I rock myself to sleep with that hand-to-mouth motion. Moving physically gives me that same effect if I just make myself DO it.
3. and thought-stopping is crucial. The longer I let myself think about those cookies or chips in the kitchen, the more likely I am to get up and fetch them. When I find myself dwelling, I tell myself STOP! and shift my mental focus to something else.
4. Since binge-ing is a solo activity (my secret shame), avoiding being alone in the house with food helps. Call somebody. Go visit someone. Get online. Or just get out of the house and go to a park or drive around (but not drive-thru!) where you'll feel less tempted to shove food in your face. Sometimes all I need to do is go to the other end of the house away from the kitchen and find something else to do, like read or cross-stitch.
4. Tell yourself that you're not evil or a total failure as a human being; you're a learner. You just have an old coping mechanism (binge-ing) that you're going to chip away at until its gone. Slips are to be expected as you learn to master this new way of living.
Thanks for the kind -- and wise -- words. I intend to print them out and put them on my refrigerator door! When you write your first self-help best-seller, I'll be able to say I knew you when.
After going to bed in pain from overeating last night, finding your post this morning was like catching a life line. I did as you suggested and got rid of all tempting food. I also told myself I was starting from scratch and focusing on everything I did 12 weeks ago, when my motivation was strongest. Good thing I kept that journal. I can look back and see exactly what I did.
You also reminded me of the advice from my dietitian that I've chosen (for the past week, anyway) to ignore: Don't be alone. I've been by myself this week, with no one around to hold me accountable. Not that my husband does; actually, he's quite supportive. But his presence makes me more conscious of what I consider a shameful habit, so I don't do it as much when he's around.
As for keeping busy, you're right. My house is spotless today. Dropped off the dry cleaning and took care of the banking. A fine way to wile away the hours between meals. Yes, binging is a form of distraction. It's also a form of denying all of life's other little headaches.
I'm feeling much better today, much more positive, for the first time in a week. Thanks much for your helpful words.
Jennifer,
Right now I have two modes that I operate in....Dieting or Not Dieting. When I am dieting I eat proper, and when I am not I eat like a madwoman.
I was told once by a woman, she wrote a book that you can get online, it is a very short book called "count it as a vegetable and move on" It is all about the guilt that is linked to binge eating or eating off plan. She suffers from this so her approach is very realistic.
She told me once that when we are in that mode of binging it becomes mindless, and it becomes a rhythm that we need to break, it is like hypnotizing youself..all of the things that Shari has said is wise and I believe true, they all break the trance.
Your courage to post and share and work on yourself is inspiring and admirable....I have been working on the emotions of my overeating for years, I am only NOW begining to lose weight again after a large gain 5 years ago.
Keep up the good work...and remember when you share where you are, you touch the world.
It took me 40 years to reach this point, yet I'm convinced I should be able to reverse all of my habits instantly.
Binging is, for me, a sort of disassociative state. As long as I'm stuffing something -- anything -- into my mouth, everything else fades away. It is sometimes like being in a trance. My evil twin takes over!
My thanks to you and Shari for the wake-up call. I asked. You answered. I appreciate it.
Help! I've fallen off the wagon.
