[backontopinjune]

Hello everyone,

I have come across this website many times over the last 9+ years and I have finally joined. I really need a place to open up and discuss how I am feeling with people who are perhaps in the same boat.

As posted in the title I am 5'4 and 180lbs. I am closer to 200lbs than 100lbs and I can't believe I have let myself go so far. It's amazing how the pounds just add up over the years. My most comfortable weight was 135lbs 6 years ago, with my average body weight my whole life being 140lbs. I would give anything to get back to that number. I had lived with eating disorders for 11 years now, binge eating disorder, bulimia and cases of restrictive eating that have left my metabolism in ruins. I no longer suffer severely from these issues and have gained some strength over them. I am trying to develop a healthy relationship with food and I am making progress although it is slow, though I suppose it will take time to undo all those years of damage to not only my body but my mind as well.

I have had an extremely rough week after watching an Australian documentary about obesity, it completely destroyed me and triggered a lot of my past issues. I get so sick and obsessed over my weight and body that I am now starting to develop symptoms of anxiety and depression over it. I can't handle walking in public because I am ashamed of myself, I feel judgement everywhere although I think it is my self-judgement I am just projecting. I feel broken, isolated, hopeless and disgusting.

I have been strength training 3x/week for over 5 months and have made major accomplishments in this area. I can bench 65lbs, deadlift 110lbs and squat 115lbs. I am proud of this and happy to say that my body is strong but it isn't enough. I want to lose more fat but I can never get control of my diet. I lost about 5 inches in 3 months but gained 3 of them back in only a month getting off track with my eating. I feel so discouraged that it takes so little for my body to become what it feels like it was destined to be, fat and disgusting. I have been living with these horrible feelings for the last 7+ days and I am fearful that the depression and anxiety i suffered from in my teenage years due to poor body image is coming back.

I am ashamed to talk about this with friends, and family doesn't understand. I really needed somewhere to talk about this so thank you for reading.

[EagleRiverDee]

Hello and welcome! This is a great place to go to for support. Many of us are in a similar boat. Especially when it comes to family or friends not really understanding. It is nice to talk to people who have the same frustrations, similar challenges, etc.

Do you think maybe you would walk outside if you had a walking buddy? I started hiking with a group of ladies of all ages and fitness that I met through Meetup. If you live in a populous area, there may be walking groups you could join. Groups are less likely to experience any bullying and if someone does say something nasty, the whole group is there to support each other. But I think really most people are nice and if they see someone walking aren't going to even think about their weight, let alone say anything.

It sounds like you're doing great on resistance training!!!

Good luck on your weight loss goals, and I hope you get the support you need for your anxieties.

[wistfulgirl]

Hi Backontopinjune!

I totally understand and sympathize with the feelings of shame and judgment. I'm about 5'3, and 165 lbs, so similar in terms of weight AND more importantly in terms of being depressed and embarrassed about it. I frequently avoid public places, although some days I'm better than others. It's a tough set of issues to deal with, but I do agree with Giselley in the "need to vent" post from 3/25/17 that (for me at least) the binge eating is tied to carb intake. If I can stay almost completely off sugar and then really limit my breads, rice, pasta, grains, my binging slows down. Once that happens (maybe four/five days off of sugar), then the depression slowly, slowly improves (along with the other energy issues, headaches etc).

My stumbling blocks are two-fold when I'm depressed.
1) grocery shopping and cooking seems overwhelming, so I go home, don't cook and then snack on unhealthy items or worse;
2) I stop by a drive-through; and then
3) feel guilty and horrible afterward.

Luckily, we have great food options locally (similar to Whole Foods), so when I'm "down in the dumps", the best way for me to tackle it is make sure I stop and pick up pre-cooked hot bar or salad bar for lunch AND pick up soup, salad or something small for dinner. I need to do it at lunchtime because by 5pm I'm too tired to stop again. Once I get past the worst of my depression (sometimes takes several weeks) I try to cook a little more. Hot bars are expensive, but I refuse to feel bad about it. I'll save my money elsewhere.

ERD is right, you should feel really good about the weight training, and getting outside for a walk is helpful too. Actually even sitting outside seems to help me. The TV is my best friend and worst enemy when I'm fighting depression. Anyway, hang in there and know we're rooting for you. Let us know how it goes over the course of the next few days!

[Love your username by the way .]

[bloominbutterflies]

Welcome to 3FC! You are not alone...

I joined this site being the heaviest I've been my whole life 171 lbs. When I was gaining in the 60's a small part of myself was dying everyday, but I thought I could make small changes and it would go away. Then I saw 170 and my heart dropped to my feet, and I knew I had to do something serious.

My 2 cents would be to try to love & forgive yourself, be proud of ALL your work and small accomplishment while you're losing weight, because it's easy to feel like 1-2 lbs don't count when you're still looking in the mirror and feeling like you're soo fat. Try to beat the negativity, it's ok to readjust your goals and change your mind. You'll discover what kind of plans fit your life and what plans don't, and that's ok, that is NOT failure. Don't be too stubborn and allow yourself to be happy .

[wistfulgirl]

How was your week everyone? I've been wondering about you BackontopinJune.