Hi everyone,

Last time I was here, maybe 2 years ago, I had lost about 55 pounds and felt amazing. I posted a "motivational" picture/post to myself about how I felt my control was slipping, and I was NOT going to let it happen. Guess what, not only did it happen, I am now almost 40 pounds heavier than my original SW, and the heaviest I have ever been. I could say it was because I started a long-term relationship, or that I couldn't afford to go to the gym or healthy food, or that I was busy and lacked energy. While those things are true, they are absolutely no longer excuses.

I am now in my first year of teaching, and I have high blood pressure (again), tension headaches, horrible pain problems, and anxiety for the first time in my life. Did I mention I am 25? This is absolutely ridiculous.

Ultimately, I really need to start focusing on myself. I take care of my boyfriend, and his daughter, and my students, and my friends, and complete strangers, but I feel nothing but GUILT if I do anything for myself. My loss of control has convinced me that I don't deserve anything worth having.

Anyway, if you're still reading, thank you. I am so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do anymore. My original weight loss was thanks to the Fat Smash Diet, which I loved, but when I attempted it again recently my boyfriend hated it and I quit after 2 days. I had no support and really we can't afford two sets of groceries. More excuses? Maybe. I always said I would lose the weight myself, without surgery. Then my mom got the surgery and the pressure mounted there too.

Sorry for the ramble. I just don't know what to do to fix my life. I love my job and feel really lucky, but I wish I could just focus on myself....

Oh MaryEllen,

Yours is the first post I have read on this site and it brought tears to my eyes. I believe that with your honesty and self-awareness you can gain the control you seek.

Chin up sweet girl, you got this!!

This is going to be short because I'm running late, but I just had to say something:

You need to remember that you can't take care of those around you without taing care of yourself. If you're not taken care of emotionally and physically, you can't take care of your daughter. You need to be good to yourself and not let guilt get in the way. You deserve attention also!

Thank you both for responding. I think what's most frustrating is that I know some of the choices I need to make, and for whatever reason I can't. The guilt is literally debilitating. I've never met anyone exactly like it.

MaryEllen I know how you feel. I was 40 lbs down four years ago and now I'm at Least 30 past where I was. I feel hopeless, everyone around me is making changes and I feel inferior.

Losing weight is hard, maintaining is HARDER! I have gained and lost and gained a few times. It is depressing! Having a significant other can make things even harder, or easier depending on that person. I know a lot of women have a tough time modivating or having support from their significant other. Luckily my fiance is very good, when he wants to be but, when he slacks I slack.

I am sure you do the grocery shopping and probably cooking too. I am not familiar what diet you used in the past, but you don't have to do two seperate. Fill your house with healthy foods and that is a huge start. If he don't like it tough sh*t. If he wants fatty snacks tell him to go get it himself and stash it out of sight only for him. The hardest part is having bad snacks lying around in sight...

out of sight out of mind!

Pack lunches! Insert activity when you can! Even a little bit will add up and go a long way.

Hey there, first please don't ever apologize that's why we're all here! I understand you completely, I'm single presently but in my last relationship my partner never wanted to eat healthy and it was hard because I wanted to please him. I think it's really important for those close to us to be supportive, can you level with your boyfriend and let him know it's not just for you in the moment, but for your life. Regardless of whether he steps up there is still hope. Maybe you can modify versions of recipes made for the family, or just have smaller portions. It's easy to sneak in olive oil, that's a simple start. If time is a factor maybe try to make a bunch of meals at once for the week--that helps me.

Anyway, I try to not usually give advice because I know we all already get plenty of that! But instead support. So here goes. I know we can do this, you already lost 55 lbs I think you said, I've done it before to. Let's make small changes and believe in ourselves and let it move us forward.

Also, even though I'm only a few years older (32) I've been through soooo much and truly believe anything can happen, and we can make and be that change. Also, stop by the success pics here (I know you're a more senior member) they inspire me!

Your post felt like I had written it! I've done the same thing and with the same end results. Joining this group and sharing my problems/challenges/dreams/goals is my first step in admitting I need some help beside the "I can do it myself" approach. Several people have said that you have to take care of yourself first. That's probably the hardest thing for people who are givers to do -- and anyone who is a teacher in today's environment definitely can be considered to be a giver. Keep sharing your thoughts -- and realizing that there are lots of us in the same boat helps some how. I can't say that it's giving me instant motivation and will power, but it is giving me acceptance of myself. And I do think that we have to like ourselves for who we are before we can make any big changes. Good luck!

I think it's going to take a lot of work and time for you to deal with not feeling guilty. I'd just like to say though: My mom is exactly like you. She always felt a tremendous amount of guilt for focusing on herself. She never took care of herself (physically, emotionally, socially, anything). I wish that that she had. I truly wish she had been selfish at least some of the time. I wish she had taken the time to do things for her. I firmly believe not doing so is why she's so sick right now and why she's going to die early.

If you can't do it for you, do it so you can be healthy and have many quality years to spend with your family. You are important and you need to take care of yourself.